I ♥ food

post-birth day cupcake.

brown sauce made from roasted chicken drippings.

garlic from the Dutch oven.

steeping decaf green tea with agave.

garlic scape pesto.

the season's first kale.

leftover love in a bowl.

peanut butter-banana-chocolate chip ice cream.

peace on the rocks.

I'll be posting more deets on the GFCF blog in the days to come. Right now, I am savoring abundant well-being...experiencing such goodness and love. Someone once told me my posts always make her hungry. I hope my posts can sometimes feed you, too.

A is for Anxiety

Last night I went to bed earlier than usual. I was tired (have been for a long time), it was a quiet night (the kids were mellow, Cap was out at back-to-back meetings), and somehow, my body was more directive than my mind.

Over an hour after I lay down, I was still awake. Not only that, I was experiencing what I could only assume were symptoms of anxiety.

I could faintly recognize what I was feeling. There was some muscle memory of it from long ago. But, it was perplexing because I wasn't aware of what could have brought it all on. And, boy, I thought: there is such truth to the desire to want to speak only to someone who has gone through what you are going through when it comes to something like this.

The worst feeling was the emptiness full of cool, endless rushing whooshing through me from right under my ribs to down there. Yeah, I felt very vulnerable. It was like being on one of those amusement rides where the bottom drops out from under you and you fall. Except last night, the fall was endless. It wouldn't stop. It was that unnerving ticklish feeling. It was that being at the whim of gravitational force feeling. It was feeling completely not at home in the supposed comfort of your own bed.

I was at a loss. I tried rubbing all the soothing points I could think of, breathing deeply, and, once he was home, letting Cap in on what was going on. Nothing helped completely.

I was lucky though. Because my mind was fairly clear (though I longed for simply passing out into the bliss of sleep), I remembered that Vinny had worked on some new spots yesterday afternoon. The first one really hurt. He continued on to some other ones and was surprised they didn't hurt, too, and surmised that the first one had opened up the others.

I don't know if that first spot was a gateway or not, but it certainly let loose some stuff. My massage therapist used to tell me to drink lots of water after a massage to help any released toxins to flush out quicker and more thoroughly. I wonder what the equivalent is for Qi?

I noticed that my body, particularly my back, felt really tight. I pulled an old trick out of the bag and got up and rolled around on a tennis ball. You can do this against a wall, as well. It is a simple, cheap and awesome way to release tight spots in your back. While I was rolling I was reminded of a big white back roller I used to have (bought from my massage therapist in Sacramento) and called to to Cap to see if we still had it.

We did (see photo :-)

I massaged myself thusly (Cap had worked on me with the little wooden knobby thing prior...he was a big help throughout all this) for awhile. And felt relief being to flood my system.

We watched an episode of Party Down and went to bed. I tried to ignore my worry that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Luckily, I did drift off, not too long after going back to bed.

I began this post yesterday. Two days out, I'm home while Cap and the kids travel North to visit family. I'm giving myself (with Cap's blessing) the gift of a personal retreat. I feel very lucky to have this opportunity to rest and recharge. Clearly, I need it...but who doesn't?

I almost cried watching the kids drive off, but within an hour, I was giddy with the freedom of not having to answer to anyone but myself...till Saturday night.

I love not having an agenda. I love this elastic feeling of time. That it will accommodate whatever I want. There aren't meals to be considered, kids to monitor, messes that appear that only I notice (and therefore I clean or let it bug the shit out of me)...no interruptions of thoughts, actions, flow...I move through these rooms so in the present now that I am alone.

It's very interesting. My mind is pretty much only on what I am doing or thinking or feeling. There's no static, all of a sudden. I hadn't realized how much this denouncer of multi-tasking was mentally multi-tasking all along.

I'm well on my way towards living life without multi-tasking...now to think about ways to unhitch my mind from this way of being, too.

For now, I'm going to play my music in the kitchen and twirl and gyrate while I cook up some CSA greens and the 'goo' for the peanut butter-banana ice cream I'm making myself tomorrow :-)

When's the last time you had a solo staycation? I recommend going for it. It feels great.

The Soloist

Cap dropped the kids off at the home of friends and went to read on his own. I had another night of not enough sleep and woke with that hit-by-truck feeling. Low pressure systems, peri-menopausal stuff, seasonal transition...it's getting me down just a bit.

Zoned out and watched 3 movies today: State of Play, The Mothman Prophecies and The Soloist. For 'free' fare (of course we do pay for our cable package) they were watchable. The Soloist edged out the other two. I liked it quite a bit. Love the Downey Jr. :-)

Knitting mojo returns

A new knitting post!

Check it out

I posted a piece about Gem/parenting over at Every Day Eclectic.

He's 10

Naima

One of my picks for the June playlist. What are you listening to these days?

This week

Cap's coming home today (we're heading out to the airport in about 30 minutes). And Gem turns 10 on Thursday.

I don't think I'll be posting much this week. (Though this type of thing is often hard for me to predict...)

I am also thinking about shifting the paradigm a bit and drastically reducing my screen time. A scary thought which makes it already one worth trying. Scary in that light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel way...not in that dysfunctional self-sabotaging way...

This would probably not change things here much, actually.

Anyway, I am looking forward to a week of (re)connecting and feeling alive and well by and through what I am doing. I hope you have a wonderful and happy week.

Peace and love.

FYI

I posted a piece about Gem over at Every Day Eclectic which may be of interest. In case you're not a regular reader of that blog, I just wanted to let you know.

How does your garden grow?

I have grown to appreciate this hydrangea bush, and hydrangeas in general, so much since moving to NJ. I love photographing it through the seasons.

I don't know the name of these plants. But, my mother likes them and I think they are common in Japan. The first bloom came and went without photos. I noticed today there appears to be a second blooming on the way.



I think of these as wild roses though I don't know if they actually are. They bloom nestled in and atop the wisteria tree. They seem quite healthy in their symbiosis. The last shot gives you an idea of how hazy, hot and humid it has been the past few days.

Here's my Summer 2010 crop: cherry tomatoes. The two on the right I bought as little plantlings at a local garden's annual plant sale. I thought the one in the middle was a goner to the last frost (in latter May...it's been a crazy Spring here), but it's a survivor. If you embiggen the photo you can see how it's made its comeback.

The tomato plant on the left is a gift from Silke. I repotted it this morning and watered the bunch. I was happy to see some little green tomatoes. They are doing well despite my sometime gardening self.

I had a vague desire to grow herbs this Summer, but it hasn't happened yet.




I got these Cosmos at the same plant sale. Colorful annuals that make me smile.

My downstairs neighbor is planting some of these here and there. I don't know what they are, but I really like them.

I'm keeping it small and doable this Summer. How about you other northern hemisphere-ers?

How does your garden grow?

Ending busy

I don't like today's NaBloPoMo writing prompt. So I'm not going to do it.

I'm not inspired to write about anything. So, rather than busy myself with nothing, I leave you with a link to a piece at Zen Habits that was right up my alley this morning:

http://zenhabits.net/end-of-busy/

We seem to be harboring a low level GI bug. Social commitments are being slashed right and left.

We will run 3 errands this morning, cut down from 4. And have a quiet day at home.

The Scripps Spelling Bee is today, I hope to catch some of it (I'm recording it...geek alert!)

The kids have Night At The Museum from Netflix, I have episodes of Dr. Who. I'm planning on making baked ziti inspired pasta for dinner tonight (with ground turkey for the kids, homemade pesto for me :-)

Slow and steady for today, slow and steady.

Define freedom

I almost opted out of this writing prompt. To attempt to define "freedom" seems oxymoronic.

But, clear as a bell, something came to mind.

Access.

To me, freedom is having access. All us creatures are born with biological imperatives. And, like barnacles, various desires attach to us as we live and breathe. We convert thoughts and feelings into intentions and dreams.

But all of it has little to no meaning without an uncluttered path between point A and point B whether it be a synapse in the brain or wheelchair access or a heart unfettered by prejudice.

Next time you feel your freedom constrained, next time you find yourself judging someone else for (not) doing something, consider access. If you can identify what is blocking the path, for you and for others, I believe it will take all of us one step closer to ultimate freedom.

Sing it

Favorite poem

I discovered last night, after posting, that there's a website devoted to NaBloPoMo. And there are suggested daily writing prompts. Which is handy because I was wondering what the heck I was going to write about everyday.

Today's prompt is to write about your favorite poem. And if you don't have one, to write about why.

My earliest full memory of a poem is Casey At The Bat. I was in fourth grade, or maybe sixth, and our class had to memorize the poem and recite it during a school assembly. I did not enjoy the exercise. Nor did I connect with the material. But, there were sparks. Which is why I remember it so clearly.

I love taking part in choral expression. I've known this about myself in respect to singing, but until now, I didn't realize the same goes for recitation. The idea extends itself and I recognize my affection for chanting in a group.

In the thirty plus years since Casey At The Bat touched my life, I have not sought out poetry, for the most part. But, poems (and poets) have found me.

One such poem is Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver. I tend to like poems, songs and non-fiction writing that carry on its shoulders the mantle of the natural world. It's a vital point of arrival and departure. Of connection.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Washing the kitchen floor

I washed the kitchen floor this weekend for the first time in a long time. The last time was over a year ago, I'm sure.

(I am not a "good housekeeper". When I was a kid in the 1970s, my mom had a subscription to "Good Housekeeping" magazine. I remember feeling derisive about the whole idea of "good housekeeping" from a fairly young age. Things are different now.)

My mom spent some time with us in our place on Sargent Street after Gem was born. She was a huge help in every way. One of the things she did was get down on her hands and knees and wash all the floors with a washcloth.

Honestly, it comes as a shock to me often enough, so it will likely shock others how often I don't think of the obvious. My understanding of the practical world is a series of blind spots waiting to be filled in by images others present to me.

(I am a very intuitive person and tend to "see" things via connections invisible to the naked eye.)

Until I saw my mom in my apartment wiping down the hardwood floors with a damp washcloth, it just never occurred to me to clean my home that way.

(I like gadgets quite a bit, but I am also drawn to the inherent simplicity of not "reinventing the wheel", especially when money/advertising/consumer culture becomes involved. At that point my dance card had names on it like: broom, Swiffer and vacuum cleaner. With notes penciled in next to those names such as: not effective against dust bunnies, novelty wore off fast and too loud and heavy.)

Thanks to mom that day, technically, I no longer had a blind spot, but my mind layered another one right over it. This feminist princess was not getting down on the floor. Rationales blossomed from air.

(I have a long term partner, a man, who was raised by a feminist alongside a feminist sibling. He has no qualms about doing housework. Unfortunately, for me, his tolerance for dust and disarray equaled mine.)

Gem is turning 10 next week.

I've made some slow progress, at times the creaking of the rusted gears has been deafening, and over the weekend I got down on my hands and knees and wiped down the kitchen floor.

We're in a different apartment, two states removed. There's wall-to-wall carpeting which I am trying to restore (from damage inflicted by us) with the help of my Dyson, surface after surface get dusty pretty quickly and I intend to model "good housekeeping" as best as I can to two growing boys and grown man.

As I was back down on my knees in the kitchen this morning (once a gear clicks into place I sometimes become hyperfocused...I find gestalt irresistible), I saw Cinderella in my mind. Disney Cinderella. And I realized that a part of me equated housework as a prerequisite to the arrival of my Prince who would, not necessarily sweep me away, but signal the arrival of what's next.

And if the drudgery of housework was what came before what happened next, then it would not exist in the ever after. Of course, in my "before" my mom did most everything. And, I hit my "what's next" in very early adulthood (Cap and I got together in 1989). I left all thoughts of housework behind quite a bit before I was done thinking all my grown up thoughts.

So here I am at age 44, beginning to put some basic blocks of thought and action together. Focusing awareness and intention from within, outward. It's never too late.


(This is me "just doing (it)" NaBloPoMo. Thanks for the inspiration, Monica.)

Update

I still don't have the time or mind space to reflect and/or compose. Cap's been gone 10 days and he returns a week from tomorrow. Today is the first day I really wished he were home. Luckily, my mom, sister and brother-in-law made the trek from Queens and Manhattan to come spend time with the kids and me.

They played the Geography game. Sag and Mike came in first, Sandy came in second, and Gem came in third. The kids brought out 'the podium', Sag whipped up some medals and I was the paparazzi. Sadly, my mom didn't make it onto the podium today.

I prepped and cooked for two days and we feasted on a smashing dinner: braised short ribs, sloppy lentils, rice, cold sea tangle salad, chicken salad, tamagoyaki, nimono and kinpira gobo (the last three dishes thanks to mom :-)

Sandy brought tortilla chips and salsa (which the kids scarfed) and a yummy bean dip to accompany the store bought GF crackers I had recently picked up. I made deviled eggs with the pastured eggs and, oh my goodness, they were amazing.

For dessert, I grilled banana crumpets with olive oil (I baked them last night) and served them with homemade strawberry soy ice cream. Yum.

Oh, and I made hibiscus iced tea which was lovely with a dollop of agave :-)

After dinner, they all went out back to play baseball and I was able to wash everything up save for my new cast iron Dutch oven. I decided to let the beef fat get nice and congealed which will make disposal of said animal fat easier.

I am pleased to report that I continue to make incremental progress on the organizing and cleaning front. I got down on my knees and washed both the bathroom and kitchen floors. I am thoroughly enjoying walking in the kitchen in my bare feet again :-)

We wound down tonight with silly and happy photos.

And skyping with Cap.

I'm not sure what this week will bring in terms of blogging...

Up In The Air

Saw a great movie, Up In The Air.

I guess I'm busier with Cap being gone. Not much space or time to blog. Things are good. Full. If you were a Facebook friend you'd be getting more updates :-)

For now, another song, by another artist I'd never heard of before.

Peace and love.

Lightning in a voice

I've been seriously digging Season 3 of Mad Men. It is really good.

Tonight I watched an episode and this song, this voice, played over the end credits. Went right to my core via my thrumming ear drums.

I love that each new moment gives us the chance to hear something true and beautiful...something that, despite never having heard it before, is instantly recognized as part of one's soul.

Bettye Lavette : Love Reign O'er Me

I love a good cover :-)

The pudding

...as in the proof (is in the pudding)...

Choosing motherhood, choosing learning at home, choosing joy, choosing the moment.

LOST anthem

This is AWESOME. Can't believe it's ending Sunday!

Sometimes a doppelgänger

I believe in energies that no one has to see for us to prove
I believe in you and me and everything we'll ever see and do.



I probably have sometimes a hard enough time being an activist for myself. (1:41 in the clip.)

Starting

We could start tonight...Mr. Pond is at it again ♥

Equipoise

Pause

a tulip of sorts.

Time has been whizzing by lately. Things have been busy...and different, as Cap spent a week or so prepping an online course he's teaching this month and preparing for his three week trip to Japan (he left this morning).

The kids and I are ready for a pause, to reset our energies and foci. And next week we'll resume the routine we began setting up last week.

• ordered a few of the ADD books I was able to peruse thanks to the library. the used bookstore in town didn't have them, and I couldn't renew them because others were waiting their turns...so I bit the bullet and ordered them from Amazon. it feels good to have cleared personal book shelf space. (did I mention that here? $40 credit at the used bookstore!) when my new books come, they will move right onto an empty shelf.

• majorly fell off the Dragon's Way food and GFCF wagon since Saturday. the result? feeling very tired...as if my limbs were replaced by some dense and heavy material that it now takes four, five, six times the energy to move about. would like to make time to read some of the mindful eating material I have. today I am back to no meat and dairy. I made myself a delicious stiry-fry for dinner tonight: scallion, garlic, ginger, green pepper, mushroom, bamboo shoots, safflower oil, coconut aminos, salt, black pepper, sugar, and red pepper flakes.

• loving the sight of the kids in their new big boy raincoats. this Spring has been swinging kind of intensely between chilly and rainy to hot and sunny and back again.

• dropped a bundle on two new bras...and don't regret it. good bras are like good shoes...or good eyeglasses. you get what you pay for and it is so worth it for items you wear/use every single day.

• we'll be hitting bed earlyish tonight. all of us have been going to bed just a tad later than our bodies are okay with, I think.

• Qigong, Qigong, Qigong...oh how you elude me, oh how I will track and follow you and make you mine...

• looking forward to a quiet day tomorrow. we've postponed the zoo to next week and will take the day as it comes, moment by moment.

Right now, Gem is watching the Red Sox game and Sag is playing with Lego. Cap is less than six hours away from landing in Osaka. Me? I am enjoying the feeling of lightening...and feeling my body let go of the hunger that has been gripping it for the past few days.

Dragon's Way update

The Dragon's Way class ended yesterday. I was absent.

Cap is in a frenzy of getting ready for his trip, I am bobbing along, unmoored from any semblance of routine, my brain/my system crouched defensively (but not afraid) in the face of this impending paradigm shift: 19 days without co-parent and partner.

So I didn't go to class, to free up the schedule at a time of the day that could use it. (I have been taking pockets of time for myself in preparation for being solo.)

When I sent my teacher an e-mail telling her I would not be present, I noticed that I felt differently than I usually do when I am letting her know I won't be there.

I felt no guilt.

This Dragon's Way has been eye-opening. Which is what you want when you attempt to heal yourself consciously. Which is what you want when you make adjustments to your day-to-day in an effort to learn something...to open up channels of flow and awareness. Which is what you want when you decide to step out of the box for awhile.

The first time I did Dragon's Way, I remember being very 'successful' with the food part of it. The Qigong has always been a struggle. The food, since that first time, has also been a struggle. But, this last time, it was less of a struggle.

I feel less guilty.

My mind is a big part of who I am. It has been interesting learning about the neurophysiological aspects of the/my mind lately, but right now I am talking about the 'thinking' part of me. As much as I value 'doing' and know that I am a kinesthetic learner, I think a lot and thinking defines my reality way more than doing does.

In my quest to become more balanced, to be happier, to grow and serve, I am attempting to align my thinking more with doing: in parenting, in cooking/eating, in practicing Qigong, in learning, in being.

It's slow going, which I am learning to accept. And I am excited to report that I am seeing changes.

Lately, I've been noticing that I don't need nearly as much food as I have in the fridge/pantry. This is immediately complicated by the fact that I don't live alone. My kitchen space is a shared one. I wish there was a practical way to separate the foods that feed each of us. Visually. Spatially. This would help my ADDish brain.

Attempts to streamline food and family have been moving along...slowly. Meal planning, a cost control measure, has helped me to organize my time better around cooking. But, my eyes have opened more to the reality that we four do not taper neatly into a simple whole when it comes to eating.

And this has had an impact on my attempts to dovetail into 'eating Dragon's Way'. This serves as a good example of why 'just do it' doesn't work for me, as a rule. I have a mind that tends to not only place equal weight on many things that other brains would automatically assign varying weights to without consciousness (the neurophysio part...the part that doesn't hone in on the Dragon's Way veggies when I open the fridge door), but I also have a mind that can, it feels sometimes, think its way into or out of a paper bag.

So, yes, this is my long winded way of saying that doing Dragon's Way is hard with my (any) particular set of life distractions. And that there has been grace in realizing that that is okay. But, more than that, that incremental learning and healing are possible even when you are feeling slowed down by the morass of the day-to-day.

I can't necessarily have less in my fridge and pantry. I am, after all, responsible for feeding three other people with various tastes and needs. But, by healing myself through Qigong and eating for healing, I am able to see more clearly what helps me along on this path. Without thinking about it, I am doing things like reaching for the veggies. Heck, I'm even doing it when I am thinking about other foods, talk about Transition!

How high the moon

I've started reading a new-to-me blog called We Go With Him, a chronicling of a mom's journey co-parenting a teenaged son with autism. Thanks to Sue who introduced me to the blog. In addition to the parenting and autism aspects, both subjects close to my heart, this family lives in NJ and the blogger is an academic, which adds layers of kindred spiritness, for me.

The obvious pleasure of blogs is the shared reading and writing. The free flow of ideas traveling and transmitted...learning something, understanding something, in a new or different way.

Sometimes there is the added bonus of discovering a book or a song...this I love.

Clothes shopping

Clothes shopping...not the bane of our existence, but something we (Cap and I) do not enjoy and tend to do rarely. Because of this, we don't have a system in place for it.

Cap is going away this week, a mostly business research trip to Japan. (This is a whole other blog post, but it is striking how academics must scramble to fund their own work...I guess it's related to their not 'working for the Man', so to speak, but in truth, any work they do while in the employ of a college/university...that school gets ownership of the work, in one way or another.)

Anyway, a clothes shopping expedition was in order. I can sometimes do this online (my preferred mode), but he needs shoes, among other things, so off we went to a local mall yesterday evening, two active boys in tow. (The family that clothes shops together, survives together :-)

Did you know Doc Martens are now, for the most part, made in China? We learned that yesterday. He didn't like the couple of styles he saw, shoes were not bought.

We entered a Gap Kids, which we do maybe once a year or two. One of Cap's Japanese colleagues, when asked what she might like brought to her from the States, had requested "light, cotton clothes" for her 2yo son. We found a cute outfit for him, plus bathing suits for our kids and a sale shirt for Sag. The bathing suits were not on sale, but hard to deny.

The mall was pretty crowded, but not completely insufferable. I think this was because we were all there together. I tend to space out in malls and tend to find the whole mall shopping experience very unpleasant. It was grounding to be there with Cap and the kids. It helped, too, that we were on a specific mission and that we had less than 90 minutes till the mall closed.

I have had good luck at the Land's End shop at Sears in the past, and we did again, last night. A lot of stuff was on sale and they have very basic, comfortable pieces. He found exactly what he needed, plus a nice blue shirt, and it didn't break the bank.

I found something, too! I've been on the look out for some new jeans since two faithful pairs bit the dust in the last few weeks. My body is in a transitional place. I want to take off some weight and am teetering on doing so, but it's going slower than I initially thought. So I don't really want to buy new jeans for my current shape, but don't want to commit to buying in a smaller size...'cause, you know, you never know.

Then, last night, there they were. Skirts made of a cotton jersey fabric with some stretch with a 'soft' waist that will deal with my transitions just fine, thank you very much. I hesitated a little because of the length of the skirt. I've never been a fan of my 'athletic' calves. But, I had a moment. Something let go, and I embraced the years of comfort these skirts would likely bring.

They are not Goodwill cheap, by any means, but at $24 a pop (on sale), they work for me. (I got one in brown and one in black.)

Walking

Cap and I had some together time today thanks to some friends taking the kids for a few hours.

We drove out to DeKorte Park which is part of the New Jersey Meadowlands. Holly introduced me to this slice of nature heaven, a swath of native ecology that has re/claimed an area surrounded by industry past and present.














The trails I'd walked before were all closed, in need of repair. Somehow, I fear it may be awhile before the funding for repairs comes through.

Nonetheless we drank in the luscious oxygen, that certain tone of muted quiet that envelops the space right by a body of water of certain volume, the endless birdsong and the bottomless green and blue.

We saw tree swallows, an egret, a Baltimore oriole and a small and quick yellow bird. I bowed to the glory of the Rugosa Rose, the dark pink color such a favorite of mine.

It was a wonderful morning for a walk. Breathe in, breathe out.

Please Give

The opening audio-visual montage of this movie is amazing. I hate even giving that away, but felt like I had to in order to warn you that if you click on the link for Please Give in my movies box to the right, more than that will be given away and spoiled.

So, if you want to be somewhat surprised, do not click over before you see the movie.

Cap is leaving for Japan on Thursday and will be gone for weeks. I am beginning to anticipate this on a cellular level and am grabbing for time right and left (with him, for myself). I snagged babysitting for the kids today and we will have some date time this morning into the early afternoon.

Last night, I impulsively called Donna, who I knew was without her son for the weekend, and we went to a 9:20 showing of Please Give. I discovered that my friend is a fellow movie buff.

The movie theater, one of two in town, was hopping. We were at the one that shows the artier films. It was awash with people...most of them older than me, it seemed. It was interesting to be out at a time of day that I am usually curled up in my living room in my pjs. It was galvanizing joining an external hum of life.

I enjoy Nicole Holofcener's work a lot. Walking and Talking, her first movie, was a revelation. Please Give did not disappoint. The-truth-hurts zingers nestled among quiet, clear-eyed, observations of women dealing with and embodying various tendrils of a common spectrum of being...she does it well.

Catherine Keener, as usual, gave a poignant performance. All the actors were great. The movie gets pretty sad towards the end. But, I do recommend it.

Treme

There are many wonderful things about David Simon's new show on HBO, Treme.

This is simply one of those things (John Goodman's character becomes a bit of a celebrity after he posts this rant):

DSI Jane Tennison

I recently watched Prime Suspect 7: The Final Act in pretty much one sitting. It was a great send-off to an amazing series (can it truly be over?) Helen Mirren kicks ass in a role that has been given so much loving time to unfold and grow. (The series began in 1992 and The Final Act aired in 2006.)

I highly recommend it...there are moments of grisly graphic detail, but there is also so much more.

Reading again

I've been reading for pleasure again lately and have read two engaging and entertaining books:

and

The Cheese Monkeys is a work of fiction, a debut novel by a graphic artist who supposedly has revolutionized the art of the book cover. I heard about it on Seth Godin's blog, a new blog I've got coming into my Google Reader that I enjoy (I also learned about THXTHXTHX there, check it out, it's a wonderful, delectable slice of life :-)

I just started the sequel, The Learners.

Michael Chabon's book is a collection of essays. He is a well respected author whose fiction I have yet to read though I've been interested to, for years. Many of the essays, a majority of them, struck resonant chords. He certainly has a way with words, but more than that, I really appreciated finding threads and oases of kindred spirit and thought.

Irma Thomas:It's Raining

Heard this gem as the credits rolled on this week's episode of Treme.

The little things

In the case of the pencils, literally, they are the little things.

I like small, finite tasks. Or should I say, my brain likes them. The pleasure that wells up from deep within when I am immersed in a short and simple task goes way back. I can remember feeling it when I was very young though the specific activities are long forgotten.

I have been enjoying some days of clarity and smooth hum (a good thing to remember through the squalls of an intense period...there will be calm after the storm...)

This morning I set about decluttering the pens and pencils.

The kids spend a lot of time and energy drawing. And it was high time the cigar box was emptied of the 2 inch pencil stubs.

The eraser tin has been overflowing with pen caps for months. So I went through the pens testing them for ink and then making sure each one had a cap.

Every few months I go through the marker bin and chuck the markers that have dried out. But, that task I left for another day.

Instead, I continued with organizing and taking away. The apartmentscape is starting to clear in perceptible ways which is gratifying. Progress is being made (in what feels like) at long last.

(I wish I had a 'before' picture...but what're you going to do...some of you know what the 'before' looked like, and the truth is that this 'after' will likely clutter up again sooner or later anyway :-)

Yes

This kind of reading/writing/thinking/believing resonates with me.

Care

File under "what goes around comes around".

And "from the mouths of babes".

And "bolt of clarity".

And "wow".

Tonight I had pretty successfully talked myself out of going to Dragon's Way class. Gem looked me in the eye and said, "you know you will feel better if you go".

In that moment I knew he spoke the Truth.

I went.

I did feel better.

I was living in the negative (feeling like a loser bc I hadn't practiced in like a week) and he pulled me into the positive.

Organizing

I've bought myself two weekly pill boxes. And I love them. A simple way for me to know in a glance whether I've remembered to take my herbs. (I currently take 9 pills twice a day...the number changes depending on the season and what I am taking.)


And here are two of the handmade organizers I bought from Etsy (the one on the door knob is one I've had for some years...and not necessarily in that location for keeps).

Oh, the third organizer, the one I bought for the car is actually in one of the pockets of the golden organizer. This one is now in the car (and looks great).

With organizing, sometimes it's a quick and satisfying fix, like the pill boxes, and sometimes it takes longer. But, there is pleasure in the anticipation of something good, something more, coming down the pike.

I am

...subdued.

An intense period (mercifully short) knocked me down Friday and Saturday. Mother's Day yesterday was mellow and pleasant.

This morning...

Same old shit sounds more negative than I feel, but it kinda feels that way...(the same old shit part, not the negative part...)

It's a spiral, which is what I always contend. Looping curves which move forward, up or down, inward or outward...always onward, never closing.

So, yes, I am in process (seemingly in forever loops) with sleep, Qigong, food, homeschooling, decluttering/organizing, being.

Yes, being.

Here's a quote from D.A.R.E. an essay by Michael Chabon. He's talking about marijuana, but these words have struck a chord within me (who has not smoked pot since sometime during college).

"...could intensify the sunshine of a perfect summer day, but it could also deepen the gloom of a wintry afternoon; it had bred false camaraderies and drawn my attention to deep flaws and fault lines when what mattered---what matters so often in the course of everyday human life---were the surfaces and joins."

At the crux of my striving for balance lies this choice...of the surfaces and joins over the extremes both high and low. I am realizing and recognizing that my brain appears neurobiologically predisposed to tipping towards the highs and lows. That is where I feel most alive and most whole.

(Enough so that I've possibly been overcompensating for it in some ways, but not enough so that I've begun self-medicating or am unable to function in the world.)

So I turn my attention, in a more conscious way, to the surfaces and joins. Words can be such a catalyst...I am so grateful for writers for that.

For movie lovers

Thanks Shannon :-)

Good tv

Three network shows which I have really been enjoying the past couple of months:

Community

Parenthood

The Good Wife

With an honorable mention going to:

Flash Forward

My longtime network staples:

House

Lost

Great read

The Cheese Monkeys by Chip Kidd. I just requested the sequel from the library.

I had a premonition

...that I would not be posting much this week. And almost made an announcement. But, didn't.

It's a combo of factors. Sorry to my most faithful readers. I will try to post this weekend.

Tomorrow, my day will be full babysitting our 3yo niece/cousin for the first time. She will be here sans parents for six hours!

Harmonic convergence of sorts

My two favorite pairs of blue jeans, my only two pairs of blue jeans, have both started to split in the crotch/butt areas. One pair I bought in Sacramento (about six years ago), the other (my true fave) I bought here in Jersey for $7.50 brand new at a Land's End store.

As luck would have it, I've taken off some inches doing Dragon's Way and fit back into my orange pants, just-in-time.

(ignore the piles of laundry to be folded, please)

A strand of focus for this week will be to cut out meat (again...it's been creeping back in) and carbs other than the recommended handful of rice.

I've been shifting my sleep and going to bed earlier and waking earlier. As this smooths out, I will also focus on practicing Qigong twice a day, once in the morning and once at night.

It may be pushing it to add a third thing in...I'll see how it goes. I'm going to scale back my time online and try to add more reading time in for myself. I have a growing pile that I want to attend to.

This explains a lot

From ADD-Friendly Ways To Organize Your Life:

"Although we don't really understand the neurological mechanism, the ADD need for stimulation is well known. It is more obvious among hyperactive/impulsive ADDers because their stimulation seeking is quite observable, from fast driving and fast talking to sky diving. But, even quiet, inattentive-type ADDers stimulate themselves through daydreaming, television, escape novels, and overeating if the events around them aren't interesting. Thom Hartmann, a well-known writer on the topic of ADD, hypothesizes that those with ADD crave a sense of aliveness more intensely than others. Some ADDers are so intolerant of boredom that they start an argument or create a crisis to avoid understimulation. Stimulation-seeking behavior can be either your key to success or your undoing, depending upon how it is managed."

Wow. It is unreal, seeing very real, very true aspects of myself from a new and different perspective.

I'm grateful.