When there's something wrong

I have been thinking that, along with reading more in 2012, I'd like to watch more documentaries.

Last night, I wanted to watch something light and funny.  A movie.  But, I couldn't find anything that called to me.  So, I popped over to HBO's on demand documentaries folder.  There was one that intrigued me right away.  It was called There's Something Wrong With Aunt Diane.  (The link will take you to a New York Times review of the film.)

It was an investigative documentary that probed into the "whys" of a devastating auto accident on the Taconic Parkway two summers ago.  The accident, which was caused by one driver in a minivan, killed eight people.  Among the fatalities were four children...the very young daughter and three nieces of the offending driver ("Aunt Diane"), who was also killed.  The other victims were all in one car...they just couldn't get out of the way fast enough.

I found the description of the film compelling and watched it.  About halfway through, I began feeling some dread.  But, I wanted to finish watching.  About three fourths of the way through, there was little doubt as to whether there had been an error made by the toxicology team who had determined that "Aunt Diane" had had high amounts of both alcohol and pot in her system at the time of her death.

But, by then, the filmmakers had also raised, skillfully, a number of other questions, which provided some serious food for thought: about childhood trauma, women's psychology, reactions to unsafe driving engendered in us as children (instincts) and adults (societal mores)...about marriage, gender roles and living with grief and surviving tragedy.

In the end, I was pretty upset...and very shaken by one image in particular, from the accident scene.  The film was well made, in my opinion.  And I don't judge the filmmakers for using the image that really stayed with me as I lay awake in bed hours later, freaked out that it was so crystal clear in my mind.  But, it was hard.

And it's got me thinking.  Do I try to stay away from documentaries that are potentially going to be difficult to watch, for whatever personal reasons, as I try to watch a documentary a month in 2012?  Or do I just roll with it...experience the upset that life sometimes brings and work through it?

Ultimately (this may sound like rationalizing an irrational impulse), I think documentaries (like other forms of art) take on the brunt of a particular kind of bearing witness.  And, it is also for this reason, my own commitment to bearing witness, that I tend not to shy away from stories that are sometimes very hard to listen to/sit with.

I am a fan of darker themes in the fictional movies and books I consume.  But, documentaries are much closer to real life...and I realized firsthand last night how the visual format provides much less filter between me and the darkness.

Barbra has already recommended a documentary that won't be hard to watch at all :-)  I think I'll make that my January selection and go from there.  I'd welcome other recommendations, too!

Late afternoon

Slump.

Restless wandering of mind and body.

Wanting to plug into something comfortable.

Nerve endings quivering feeling simultaneous love and loss.

Every thing a whorl.

P.S.  Practiced Qigong for the first time in a long time this morning and it has been a marvelous day.  Methinks this late afternoon dip would be remedied with a bit of chocolate.  Alas, there is none on hand.

Baxter

love.

He is here at the perfect time.  I've semi-secretly been checking out dogs available for adoption lately.  I may adopt a dog someday, but now still does not feel right.  With Baxter here, I get my fix.  I wonder if it will be enough.

Friday 5

(in no particular order...)

1. Japchae.  A delicious Korean noodle dish that Melody fed me.  So good.  Glass noodles made from sweet potatoes, with carrot, spinach, mushroom and onion...seasoned with salt, sugar and soy sauce, cooked with vegetable and sesame oil.  Yum, yum, yum.

2. Johnny Weir.  Dude's such a free spirit.  I love him.  Thoroughly enjoyed his skating at these Winter Games.  Looking forward to catching some eps of his docu-reality show on the Sundance Channel.

3. Shadow Tag.  The latest from my favorite author.  The library called today to let me know it's in.  Picking it up tomorrow and am determined to read it before it's due back in 2 weeks.

 

4. My girl back in Lima.  Wearing one of the shirts she bought on one of our shopping outings.  I miss her something fierce.

5. The kids and I listened to "Here Comes Science" for the first time today, another gem of a CD from They Might Be Giants.  Sag fell in love with this song, he's definitely got his dad's (and mine, too) DNA.

Finger in the dam

I'm treading water but getting tired.  I'm all emotion held together by being with the kids...being of the kids...I can feel my body when it complains in stiffness and twinges, but for the most part, I am liquid.  A sea of salty tears crowding out the air in my lungs, threatening to overflow.

Today was chock full of house work/home time: haircuts, bread baking, muffin making, playing with friends...by late afternoon I needed out and delegated brownie baking to Cap.  Simply breathing was painful as my heart has begun to break.

I drove downtown in search of a gift for Vanessa.  I am planning on making her a photo book to mail to her later (I want to make selections from all the photos we take...up to her departure), and am knitting her a scarf unexpectedly, but I wanted to give her something else...I wasn't sure what.

I found something pretty much just right.  I am grateful to be living in a town that promotes independent and unique and arty shops.  I am grateful to have had the time to spend with Vanessa to learn what she likes and who she is.

Back home, Cap caught my emo-hormonal-handful-self and we enjoyed our homemade sushi dinner.

Now, we're watching the Olympics coverage, I will go cut the brownies which are chilling in the fridge, and busy my hands with either the scarf or part of Ellie's birthday present (her third bday party is tomorrow afternoon...yup, three!)

Here's a quiet picture to help calm my so unquiet nerves.  That baggie down there contains hair that Gem wanted me to save so he could make a moustache.  :-)

I'm just a big cliché

Cap has got the kids watching The Three Stooges.  I'm on my own.  I can share the room, just not that particular space.  I'm plugged into my tunes and thinking about what a big old cliché I am.

I'm not at "resolutions", but I am definitely thinking about process and continued opportunity as the new year, and yes, new decade, fast approaches.

I've got a new budget ready to go.  I designed a new accounting sheet and it's feeling sensical and doable though I know the doing is going to be difficult.  Decreasing spending by 20% is a sea change, really.  (I'm starting out at 16%...a wiser person would start at 10%, but I'm dreamy that way :-)

I'm going to start stretching and strengthening my will muscle.  It can't be too late.  I can't forever attribute my lack of will to my childhood/herstory/past.  Well, I can, but where's the awareness and growth and learning in that?

Again, another person would perhaps start with one area, but I'm jumping in.  Time outdoors, Qigong, and vegan eating.  Every day.  For a year.  Typing that leaves me quivery with anticipation and, I'll admit it, dread.  Th big cliché is setting yourself up for stunning failure by making such pronouncements on New Year's Eve ;-)

One thing I can't give up is my time on the computer/online.

As I come into more balance, that will work itself out.  No pressure and no worries.  As long as I am co-parenting and learning at home with these two kids, my time is going to be limited and in many ways, not mine.  It's critical that I feed my soul with nourishment, warmth and light when I can.

I love the energy that comes to me and rushes through my veins when I connect with a person, their words, their feelings, their truths, their laughter, their songs...and when I hook up my own connection by posting myself out there.  A lot of that happens fiber optically for me, it's really much more of a blessing than a curse.

Last year I made lists of knitting and books (fiction and non-fiction). 

I ain't doing that this year because I did not finish a single book from either book list...wow, talk about crash and burn.  I still would like to read those same books and I have about thirty other books I'd like to read in my virtual "book bag" in my online library account.

And, I'd like to do some more knitting.  I've got a number of projects on the needles and a number of projects-in-waiting...

January is going to be about the three daily "will" exercises mentioned above, mixed into a warm, nourishing soup of living more intentionally hewing to the new budget, renewing focus on the kids' learning styles, needs and interests, and continuing on creating a wonderful-to-breathe-in living space.

A very special ingredient will be added to the mix in mid-January.  The 14 year old daughter of a dear friend (a child I haven't seen since she was 4 :-) will be homestaying with us for a month.  I am excited and happy...we are all looking forward to her arrival.

So, it's a lot, but I am choosing these things...these practices and ways of being which will help me be clearer, more aware, and more happy.  Thank you for being with me as a part of the whole.  Know that I feel your warmth and support and love.

10 minutes left.  Happy new year :-)

(Birth)day

 

I am brimming with love and gratitude.  He is Fire.  He is creative, energetic, lively, loving, passionate, musical, artistic, sensitive, expressive...  He is his own Self.  He teaches me every day.  He has given me so much...from the moment I discovered he was Here, inside me...on that March day when it snowed in Cambridge.

Oatmeal

There is a visceral satisfaction I get from feeding my children oatmeal*. (I am delighted that Sag has clambered onto the oatmeal wagon :-) It's "keeping it simple" to the max. It's nourishing and warming and comforting. It's body and soul love. Yes, I could go on and on.



* We use McCann's Quick Oats. Anyone following a gluten-free diet: unless otherwise specified, oats grown and stored in the US are considered gluten-contaminated.

The first day of the rest of my life and computer news

We spent much of yesterday cleaning out old and/or redundant files from our 7+ year old eMac yesterday. The next best thing to buying a new computer. And, honestly, better than buying a new one. (We can use Cap's work laptop to play the Star Wars lego game and have fun with Photo Booth :-)

Our method was part trashing (mostly me) and part backing up to external memory/storage (mostly Cap).

The computer feels happy to me this morning.

I went to bed at 10pm last night (actually a little later...I was glued to the drama of a player down in the Steelers-Ravens game). Good thing because my sick kid was up from 2:00 to 3:30 and then I didn't make it back to sleep till 4:30 or so. Then he woke me at 6:00 and 7:00, but I must have looked a wreck because he retreated till 8:00 when I finally awoke and arose.

I watered him and the humidifiers and he promptly fell back asleep. Sag is lego-ing and I did some qi gong for the first time in weeks. I am attempting to add some of that structure to our life I was inspired by at the start of the new year. Sh*t happens (and did happen) and I want to move on.

So, off the computer I go :-)

Facebook

A view outside from inside. It's c-c-cold out there.

The kids having their own fun. Loving Peanuts a lot lately.

Arm warmer #1 done, arm warmer #2 started. Loving this yarn knit up even more. (I have an aunt in Japan, Momoko's mom, who always gives me the most perfect gifts. This pink, white and brown striped bag, perfect to tote a small knitting project around in, is her most recent.)

My organic chai with vanilla hemp milk gone cold as I sat glued to Facebook.

So, Facebook. Or Crackbook, as my high school classmate Jonathan has called it. Something lined up in the universe today and I was immersed in Facebook for something like 2+ hours this morning.

It's nifty and fun though. You can connect with friends old and new...the format really works for me. I added profile info today and this is what I wrote:

Unschooling mom to two boys. Juggling being at home with the kids, knitting, cooking, taking pictures, blogging, staying in touch with friends, watching tv, reading, and partnering with my love of 19 years. Oh, and working on transforming my nemesis of a messy, cluttered living space into a thing of simplicity, beauty, and function.

Look me up on it if you haven't already. Try it, you'll like it!

Tortuga

Drool.

I just love this yarn. I think I'm going back to get more for myself to knit the Shalom Cardigan. It will be my birthday gift to myself.

Malabrigo worsted in Tortuga.

Uncle time

Takai came over yesterday after work and slept over. He wanted some "man time" with the boys and I needed the respite.

They ate pizza and sushi and potato chips (uncle knows how to treat them right) and then watched a Star Wars movie. Then they snuggled in for the night with some reading and then off to slumber land.

We went out for dinner (French lentil soup and crab cakes and apple slaw for me---yum). One of my yarn stores was a few doors down from the restaurant and Cap gallantly agreed to accompany me in.

It was a new experience for me to go into the yarn shop reminding myself to resist my habit of simply buying. I went to the sale basket first and though I held four or five skeins at one point, ended up putting all but one down (a butter yellow Cascade 220: $3). I then browsed and my mind had slowed enough that I could picture and remember some of the yarn I had in my stash (which is formidable) which helped me from buying more.

I did find a skein of Malabrigo in the color Tortuga which was gorgeous, and perfect for Christine's requested charcoal color for arm warmers I'm knitting her. So in the end, I reduced my average spending in a yarn store by 50%.

My favorite part of the evening though, was hitting the A&P at 9pm with Cap to pick up some Pull-Ups and ice cream. It reminded me of our child-free days, wandering through a nearly vacant supermarket pondering the merits of different flavors, finding a never-before-seen rose scented Dr. Brommer's bar soap on sale, and just smiling at each other in that unmistakable fluorescent glare of night time convenience shopping.

A boy and his dad

My boys

I've bundled them up and sent them out to play. My due-any-day-now friend came by to pick them up and I am alone, for the first time in a long time.

I've been trying to catch this dimple, digitally, all day. Finally got it!

A little snow goes a long way

It started about an hour ago. I was carrying out recycling and trash (and organizing the too-many-cans-without-lids situation back there, grr) which led to the kids coming out to enjoy the beginning of the snow.

We're not supposed to get more than 3-5 inches, but there's just something magical about snow when you don't live in Alaska. Or Minnesota.

Or you have young spirits and beings around to remind you. Snow is special.



Here the kids were playing a game where you stood in front of the swing and waited to be kicked in the butt.

There's something so powerful here, for me, in the holding.

I think I like these pods best of all in the winter.



My knits in action. (Who is that tired looking woman wearing my hat?!)



I hope something is giving you the lift you need this moment. And that you are in a place to receive it with wonder and grace. (If not, I urge you to go outside. Nature is truly a giving force.)

Malabrigo "Toast"

What a quick knit. I should have blocked them before modeling, but I'm a gal who just can't wait. I will block them tonight.

The yarn: Malabrigo worsted (100% merino wool) in Vermilion...less than one skein

The pattern: Toast

The actual color is much redder. They are cozy. I love them.

A moment with a muffin

Imagine. A warm, days old, homemade, GFCF, banana chocolate chip muffin with a dollop of melty peanut butter. (The picture really doesn't do it justice.)

There is so much goodness, nourishment, and joy in the smallest of moments. Gustatory or otherwise.

Oshougatsu

...is New Year's Day in Japan where a number of traditions and rituals are practiced to welcome the new year with lots of hope and wishes for a good one. My family of origin makes it a point to get together on New Year's Day to feast and play together.

I didn't take many pictures. I was busy savoring the flavors, nestling with family, and giving shoulder rubs. But, look at these two shots!

New year's night

X-mas '08