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Burning The Old Year

by Naomi Shihab Nye

Letters swallow themselves in seconds.   

Notes friends tied to the doorknob,   

transparent scarlet paper,

sizzle like moth wings,

marry the air.

So much of any year is flammable,   

lists of vegetables, partial poems.   

Orange swirling flame of days,   

so little is a stone.

Where there was something and suddenly isn’t,   

an absence shouts, celebrates, leaves a space.   

I begin again with the smallest numbers.

Quick dance, shuffle of losses and leaves,   

only the things I didn’t do   

crackle after the blazing dies.

*    *    *    *

Unready in nearly every way, I am moving over to my new blog, A Fire Horse Bearing Water.  Hope to see you over there.  Hope to see me over there!

Peace and love...and thank you.

Solstice sigh

Popping in to wish everyone a Winter Solstice full of light and wonder.  In the midst of the chaotic energy of the season, moments like the above have been restorative and nourishing.

Peace and joy.

Throwback thuesday

Still holding on hard to this extraordinary egg 20+ years later.  News of best possible outcomes continue to trickle in.  Gratitude, joy and relief overfloweth.

Peace and love.

Someone knit me something!

Our NYC family came over yesterday for a belated birthday and early Christmas celebration.  Us adult siblings no longer exchange gifts, so I was surprised when my sister produced a present for me.  I love it!  A neck cozy that warms me perfectly, in my favorite yarn: Noro.

Peace and love.

Us-ness

Plymouth, MA.  very early 90s.

Together 24 years today.  We won't have time to do anything "celebratory", but I plan to hold close my feelings of gratitude, love and joy.

Peace.

Busy day coming up

Well, only two things were checked off of yesterday's list.  But, there was an impromptu lunch with Cap (the $10 lunch buffet at Mausam, their nan is baked on the premises and, oh, the butter nan is divine).  And, we were very close to one of the yarn shops in town so I popped in and found the "just right" yarn for Sag's hat.  And, our town being its righteous, delightful self, we found Finn's bully sticks "low odor" and "free range".

And this happened:

No more snack-sized ziplocs for my candied pecans!

Peace and love.

P.S.  I have added a third Christmas cookie to my list...

Walking the walk

This morning, son #2 was having a hard time.  He was hit with the quick bug I had and is feeling occasionally overwhelmed in its aftermath.  (Son #1 is feeling under the weather today.)

Fortunately, I had resumed meditating and practicing Qigong (the routine was thrown by my getting sick), and my calmer and clearer mind was able to feel compassion and assist in problem solving.

We did some talk processing, but the clincher was making a list.

Once he was squared away, I tripped over some of my own feelings of overwhelm.  Then, I made a list.

Things to be completed by Sag's family birthday party/Christmas gathering on Sunday:

• knit a hat, weave in ends of two hats, wrap two hats

• make candied pecans

• put a dent in the holiday cards (at the very least, the three for family members gathering)

• deep clean kitchen (it. is. so. nasty.)

• deep clean the bathroom

• dust all rooms

• vacuum all rooms

• pick up and wrap nephew dog's gift

• clean and organize my "desk" (still so much loose paper!)

• bake Christmas cookies: these and these

• put up tree and decorations

• prep party food: appies (hopefully the farmer's market will persevere pre-snowstorm), deviled eggs, steamed carrots, onigiri, cream cheese frosting.  (Cap is baking the cake, my mom is bringing meatballs, and we're bringing in a couple of pizzas.)

Breathe in, breathe out.  And smile.  And feel grateful.  My mantras.

train crossing at night.

found tucked in library book.

candied pecans o'clock.

curly Su?

I hope it's a happy Friday for you.

Peace and love.

Artifact uprising

I am happy to have my first Instagram-friendly photo book which I made over at Artifact Uprising.  It has a lovely hand feel to it, and there is something very pleasing about seeing the photos in this format.  I'm looking forward to making more over the years, giving thought to themes and connections amongst the many, many photos that I take.

Peace and love.

Small moments

Taking in the nourishment of small moments:

• the spontaneous and emotional hugs and kisses from my children.

• discovering at check-out that every single item I bought was on sale ($12 and change for three skeins of chunky yarn and a big roll of wrapping paper...holiday shopping that jingles my bells).

• local florists who deliver meadow flowers in Ball mason jars.  (my friend is heading home today *big smile*.)

• cold salami sandwiches with mayo and mustard on Udi's bread.

• Les Revenants/The Returned.

• realizing that my immune system is one tough and fiery broad.

• Earl Grey tea with honey and milk.

• munchkins and moon rocks (with my little man, Leo).

• the joy of The Killers and a great cover.

Peace and love.

Taking a breath

Sad at the moment.  A good friend is having surgery tomorrow.  I was surfing the web looking at flowers and plants, pondering whether to send to hospital or home, when it hit me: she could die on the table.

To clarify, this is highly, incredibly highly, unlikely.  The surgery itself carries no more risk than what I imagine is average.  But, these momentous events, yeah, I'm looking at you, cancer, have a way of reminding us just how tenuous our lives are.

Yet, we move on and forward.  And keep living.  Just as she will, I know, well beyond tomorrow.

Peace and love.

Hit repeat

It was meditative watching him tumble on the trampoline.  Part of me wants to loop into that state of bliss all day.

But, other stuff of life needs doing.  Tough to get motivated on this gloomy, foggy, damp unseasonably warm nearly winter morning.

Peace and love.

Tuesday 10

• combining my interests in Finland, aging and nature, this photo series rocks my world.

• I've been on a documentary kick and have loved this, this and this.

• Hyperbole and a Half has so entranced Sag he rued not bringing his gift cards to the bookstore yesterday when he spotted it on the shelves.  oh, and the shop was having "Cider Monday" with a warm cider station and mulling spices greeting you as you walked in!

• speaking of which, this article helped clarify my issues, critically, with the frenzy of consumerism associated with this time of year.  the underbelly of the beast is incredibly ugly, the beast a force of destruction.  I have taken a step back and am considering my purchases (and how I purchase) even more carefully.

• speaking of which, I do rely on an online vendor for our holiday photo cards.  I grew up with my mug smiling out of a Kodak photo card, every Christmas, literally since I was born.  Kodak is no more and we rode the tide over to Shutterfly (who took over Kodak customers) a couple of years ago.  long story short, this year's card arrived (all 150) and the text of the message was difficult to read.  I gave them a call, the rep took a look on her screen, agreed immediately and issued us credit for 150 more cards and their most express level of shipping!  excellent, excellent customer service.  (because I am a flibbertigibbet I realized as soon as I clicked "order", when reordering, that the edited cards look Halloween-y because I went with the thickest font in black (overcompensation for the original delicate font in white) on an orange background.)

• the Hubble Space Telescope Advent Calendar!

• some really lovely illustrated children's books and picture books.  I used to collect them in my life before kids...some of these are quite enticing.

• I follow National Geographic photos on Instagram and Facebook.  if you are not on social media, check out their "Photo of the Day" on the website...you won't regret it.  their photos are stunning.

• "because when I am tired and frazzled, what I'm missing most is my own attention."  read that line recently and it hit a chord.  the author was Jennifer Louden and I now have two of her books (one borrowed from a friend, one from the library) waiting to be perused.

• I kind of can't get enough of this shot I took from the car and processed in Instagram.  it's a Plympton cranberry bog in late afternoon Thanksgiving Day light.

Peace and love.

Doing the math

I read this short piece on The Necessary Art of Subtraction recently.  The wisdom/strategy is obvious and simple, yet easy to miss.

My tendency is to add...and see how the chips fall in terms of what gets subtracted.  I find it difficult to actively subtract.

Here is what I have added and subtracted in these days after Thanksgiving and before Winter Solstice:

+

• dosage of magnesium supplement (really helps my sleep)

• meditation (doing the 10-day free trial)

• Qigong

• setting an alarm to wake up

-

• cane sugar

• grains

• dairy

Decluttering, keeping up with household cleaning, and tightening up the household budget continue to be glaring areas of need.  What must I subtract in order to bring these aspects of responsibility into the fold of my present intention/attention?

(post-sauna selfie in Plympton.)

Peace and love.

Autumn into advent

Autumn is my favorite season.  One of the things I love this time of year, in this part of the world, is what is uncovered when the leaves fall from the trees (or vines, as the second photo shows).  It feels like Mother Earth presenting opened gifts to me, to us, over and over again.

I was surprised this morning to see that there was a nest in the wisteria out back.  And then, as swiftly, I wasn't surprised as I recalled the bursts of bird song and ruckus, very frequent, amongst the vines and purple blooms during the spring.  Puzzle piece falls into place.  This neighbor cat was drawn by what I imagine were faint yet irresistible scents still wafting from the old nest.

My holiday weekend came to a lovely close with an unexpectedly, luxuriously, long tea with a friend.  Somehow, I unearthed a treasure of a menu item at my favorite café in town.  How did I not know this existed?  It was called "Cream Tea" and included a medium pot of black tea with a scone, butter and jam.  Incredibly complete and comforting.

I hope your days or evenings, as we enter this darkest time of year here in the northern hemisphere, are bringing to light some moments of discovery and delight.

Peace and love.

Pumpkin pie

I baked a pumpkin pie for our (day after) Thanksgiving dinner and it was my favorite thing I made.  I loved the simple elegance of the recipe...and the resulting pie was delish.  Sag liked it (particularly the crust), Gem tried it (a testament to how visually attractive it was because he does not like pie), and somehow, Cap hasn't tried it yet.

Sag stuck a Milky Way mini into his slice.  What a great idea.  (The chocolates were part of his birthday gift from godmother Jamie.)

Peace and love.

When a door closes and a window opens

I've decided to draw this blog to a close and start a new one.  I haven't decided whether to change the name of the blog, or not, but the address will change.  This blog, at this web location, will be set to private rather than deleted.  If you want to be able to access it, you will have to do an extra step of login in order to see it.  I will also need to add the email addy you have associated with Google/Blogger to my list of members who can access the blog.  I will not be adding any posts to this blog after the "end date" which will be determined later.

Once the new blog gets going, I will let you know here.  The new blog will be public.  The new blog will not have identifying photos of the kids.  It will likely have much less detail about them, as well.  I'm not sure where or how I will share news of them and those irresistible "precious moments"...maybe Facebook, maybe Instagram, maybe a "family and friends" email newsletter (haha do not hold your breath on that one)...that aspect of things is not fleshed out...at all.

In addition to detaching my blogging from the kids to give them not only the privacy they are due, but also experiment with designing a more personal/individual space for me, I am looking to flex some old/new muscles of self-expression through the written word and the photo lens.  Less catching up and updating...more thought to creative and mindful sharing.  Less blip, more ripple.

There are some upcoming days (winter solstice, the new year, my birthday) that feel auspicious for launching a new venture...but knowing me, I may just start when the mood strikes.  Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

P.S.  I have learned, scouring my photo library of the last year, that I do not take photos of doors.

Quickie

Stopping in just to say all is well. I had a significant breakthrough in my thinking and self-awareness for which I am grateful and relieved.

Sag's birthday signals the start of a crazy busy season for our family and it has most certainly begun.

Today I was so grateful for technology which allowed me to photograph (involved downloading a free camera timer app to my phone), design and order our holiday cards, all within an hour.

Here's a funny "awkward family photo" from our living room couch session:

Peace and love.

12

Peace and love.

Time waits for no one

This one is turing 12.  I am laying low...I finally felt 100% back to normal this morning, at least mentally, but my body has let me know that, nope, not 100% yet.  Trying to relax so I can participate in all the festivity and celebration of Sag's birth on the morrow!

Peace and love.

Grasshopper

Will this grasshopper ever learn? Last night I was starting to feel distinctly better virus-wise. But I felt heavy, bloated, and inflamed.

Over the weekend I'd had bouts of chemically-fueled anxiety...for want of a better way to put it. I'd be sitting there (usually quite literally, in my red chair) and, as if a switch was turned on, a circus would start to rehearse in the cavity of my chest. The swoops and somersaults of trapeze artists, the vibratory thumps and trumpets of elephants, the buzz and din of an excited throng...

I paused and experienced and it would inevitably pass in a few minutes.

I yelled at one of the kids over the weekend and generally had way less patience with them.

My decade-old eczema patch on my scalp flared up big time and was itchy, red and tender-to-the-touch...this weekend.

Yesterday, despite a lovely visit from an old friend of ours the day before which precipitated the putting on of clothes and  socializing and realizing that, indeed, the virus was on its way out, all I wanted to do (and did) was stay in my pajamas and curl into being as alone as I could.

Oh, and last night I had trouble falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

So, in retrospect, there would seem to have been some sort of significance to this weekend.

Last night the old voice(s) came out of the woodwork. Happily, I do not react and struggle anywhere near the levels I used to. But, the message inevitably gets transmitted: this is your fault, do something about it.

This is when I go into "shut it down" mode and begin to concoct "the plan". About going to the gym, about drasticating my diet, about practicing Qigong, etc.  About becoming blameless. About being the paragon I believe I never am.

There is nothing wrong with the impulse to want to transform, to improve self-care...but for me, there is something intrinsically Sisyphusian about having the impulse rear up during a moment of needing a "fix".  (Those pesky backslides.)

I interface better and more productively with ideas of self-care when I am not in the throes of what feels like a crisis in my heart, my brain, my central nervous system.

When I can get to the root of the old emotional stuff that comes up, oh, ONCE A MONTH (perimenopause is fickle and I am suddenly regular again), when I can feel out the edges and sharpen my tool, I can, and will, excise it and let it dissolve into the ether...or primordial ooze.

The old voices are important to recognize so they can be put in their place, at least, until they are dismissed forever.

PMS, get thee back into your corner.

Ad infinitum. I wonder if this process will continue up to the day I die. Or if some day I will achieve the next level of grasshopperdom and step off this particular hamster wheel (to mix my critter metaphors).

I made something yummy yesterday. Baked oatmeal, for the first time. My crazy brain was telling me late last night, as it was keeping me from sleep, that I should not eat this today because of inflammation and going Paleo in between all the celebrations coming up and the weight I'm gaining with all the hibernation eating I've been doing...

Well, I got my period this morning and I am feeling so much better, inside and out. The show's over, there's nothing left to see. 

(Except a shot of yummy.)

Peace.