Being alone has been a challenge for me most of my life. Now that I am embedded in a family with two still very much growing children, it feels like a near impossible task. This video is empowering and inspiring and loving and yummy yummy food for thought.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Hunger
Having
unanswered
niggling
gaps, gorges, gashes
evolve
resoultely.
It may not be so much about relearning how to feed myself...though there is value to that.
But, how to let the hunger go...to let it burn itself out...to soothe it to oblivion. To heal.
Standing between heaven and earth? My nemesis may be the answer to my prayers. It's what Vinny has been telling me now for years.
Time to breathe and go write down some things I am grateful for.
Time to turn this mother out :-)
unanswered
niggling
gaps, gorges, gashes
evolve
resoultely.
It may not be so much about relearning how to feed myself...though there is value to that.
But, how to let the hunger go...to let it burn itself out...to soothe it to oblivion. To heal.
Standing between heaven and earth? My nemesis may be the answer to my prayers. It's what Vinny has been telling me now for years.
Time to breathe and go write down some things I am grateful for.
Time to turn this mother out :-)
Friday, August 06, 2010
The chemistry of gratitude
Last night I remembered to write five things I felt grateful for in my Gratitude Journal. I was really tired and almost forgot. It didn't take long, the things I thought of were fairly simple.
This morning, I realized that I slept better than I have in awhile. It took me a bit to fall asleep. And I woke wishing I could catch another 30 minutes, but my younger has a cold and was up and alternately rolling around vigorously on the bed and bouncing up and out of bed to blow his nose.
The most notable and positive quality to my waking? My stomach didn't hurt. Or burn. Or feel tight. And this was after a dinner of eggplant parm and onion rings!
My knowledge is intuitive (though I bet there's some scientific research to back it up)...and I know that the time I spent feeling grateful for some things in my life last night before going to bed changed something in me, something for the better. Whether it was chemical or energetic or mental, it doesn't matter.
Most of us know that experiencing gratitude makes us feel good. What was cool about last night/this morning was realizing how easily we can transport ourselves to experiencing gratitude. And to feeling good.
A sleeping pup at one's feet doesn't hurt either.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Crevasse
I believe I've hit the nadir. Which is a good thing, because that now means there's no other way but up.
Ordered in eggplant parm and onion rings for dinner (fed the fam leftover spaghetti and a grilled cheese sandwich).
A gross in every way observation: after I ate, I started sweating bullets. My system has gone into overdrive to deal with the oil, the sodium, the white flour, the dairy.
Ready to turn over (a new leaf) again.
Ordered in eggplant parm and onion rings for dinner (fed the fam leftover spaghetti and a grilled cheese sandwich).
A gross in every way observation: after I ate, I started sweating bullets. My system has gone into overdrive to deal with the oil, the sodium, the white flour, the dairy.
Ready to turn over (a new leaf) again.
This Holistic Life
A shout out to my (online) friend Denise and her blog, This Holistic Life.
I am getting a lot of energy and inspiration from her posts. I heard about Clean from her blog, and tonight, I am renewing my commitment to practicing daily intentional gratitude by starting a Gratitude Journal (I've tried and thought about this before but it hasn't stuck.)
Peace and love.
I am getting a lot of energy and inspiration from her posts. I heard about Clean from her blog, and tonight, I am renewing my commitment to practicing daily intentional gratitude by starting a Gratitude Journal (I've tried and thought about this before but it hasn't stuck.)
Peace and love.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
The little things
Pokemon is still going strong here. The kids have been drawing/making their own Pokemon cards (they buy cards, as well).
He's reading about World Cup soccer during a D.E.A.R. (drop everything and read) time. Sag has been reading Captain Underpants books lately and I recently started Children of God (the sequel to The Sparrow).
I am so pleased that Apollo hasn't expired during his stay with us. I cleaned his tank the other night and he is invigorated.
These are the lists the kids made for today. Notice the joker who wrote "today's date" at the top of his paper.It's been a quiet and busy day. A pleasant hum of activity has been our background music. Sag has a sore throat I'm keeping my eye on, I'm knitting Felicity every chance I get, I'm fiddling with poetic words and phrases, and realizing that I don't have an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia to watch tonight. That's okay, I have last night's Louie to carry me over.
I may be an ADDish Renaissance woman, but I'm feeling the energy of coming into my own as a Renaissance woman and am digging it.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Pre-clean
I have 15 minutes before heading out to Vinny's.
I was flipping through the detox book Clean today and had some thoughts. Noticing the time, I jumped in the shower and had some more thoughts.
The book mentioned that moving "no" foods out of the house is a good idea during the detox/cleansing process. A problem I've had in the past during Dragon's Way was spending (too) much energy planning and prepping my own food, in addition to, everyone else's. However, I don't expect the rest of the family to follow Dragon's Way or an eating for detox routine.
When the next two Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons come my way, I am going to invest in a sturdy blender (this one, I think) and juicer (this one, I think).
In the meantime, I am renewing my commitment to preparing the whole family more whole foods and less processed foods. And really encouraging them (and me!) to "eat food, not too much, mostly plants".
In the meantime, I'm thinking checklists. Organized by day in a week-at-a-glance format. For me and for the rest of the family. Visual reminders to help us prioritize and do, so that we are doing what we want to be doing and doing what we need to be doing.
I am envisioning that by the time I have a powerful blender and good juicer as part of my kitchen team, it will be easier for me to transition to a deeper, more focused detox routine.
Time to go!
Monday, August 02, 2010
Mumble
Hopped on the liquid caffeine, gluten and dairy train and boy do I feel crappy.
• once I step on...it's almost always an express making no local stops.
• kind of like PMS (and kind of not), it brings to the fore underlying unpleasant unmooring.
Accounting work today.
• once I step on...it's almost always an express making no local stops.
• kind of like PMS (and kind of not), it brings to the fore underlying unpleasant unmooring.
Accounting work today.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Helix
Time bends and the helix twists and souls are brought together if even for a short while. Anna and crew are here for 24 hours that feels much fuller. Looking each other in the eye, laughing and talking, sitting side by side quietly reading, comic book store, baseball game, Thai food, stadium seating, Rita's, Wii, Incan Gold, blueberry cake breakfast and Erik's Silly Restaurant dessert...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Drag
Is it the stress of identity theft (three more charges posted to the account, the grand total is now $1000)?
Was it the traditional Finnish cuppa at Tiina's yesterday afternoon (complete in Moomin cup)?
Was it the unusual twofer of crisis conversing with friends in the evening, one in a neighborhood pub and one in the blue chair in the bedroom as the clock hands approached 11:00?
Perhaps the not waning fast enough for my waters full moon?
I finally drifted off to sleep around 4:30am.
Slogging through my morning routines (Qigong has fallen out of favor yet again) and rolling to Kelly's soon. This afternoon: tidying the place up for Anna and her crew who are descending for the weekend. Hoping to get my hands going and soul rapturing on some peach pie, too. I've got 10 lbs. of ripe luscious peaches from the orchard chilling out in the fridge.
Two books have arrived from the library: Children of God, the sequel to The Sparrow, and Clean, a book about self-healing through detoxing the body.
Time...it is slipping and sliding through my fingers...
Was it the traditional Finnish cuppa at Tiina's yesterday afternoon (complete in Moomin cup)?
Was it the unusual twofer of crisis conversing with friends in the evening, one in a neighborhood pub and one in the blue chair in the bedroom as the clock hands approached 11:00?
Perhaps the not waning fast enough for my waters full moon?
I finally drifted off to sleep around 4:30am.
Slogging through my morning routines (Qigong has fallen out of favor yet again) and rolling to Kelly's soon. This afternoon: tidying the place up for Anna and her crew who are descending for the weekend. Hoping to get my hands going and soul rapturing on some peach pie, too. I've got 10 lbs. of ripe luscious peaches from the orchard chilling out in the fridge.
Two books have arrived from the library: Children of God, the sequel to The Sparrow, and Clean, a book about self-healing through detoxing the body.
Time...it is slipping and sliding through my fingers...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Plummet
The hormonal emo-PMS started sometime during common meal. I made good food, bathed happily in my friends' proclamations of satisfaction and gratitude, but could feel myself slipping into a quiet place. A familiar cocoon.
It's been a busy few days of doing, doing, doing, fueled by a burst of energy and of necessity. (update: Cap had a friend bolt cut his cast off two nights ago and he has an appointment with a second ortho doc next week. He's been in e-mail contact with our trusted family doc who has been advising him---before and after the fact of his journey as the case may be---along the way.)
By the time I'm done cleaning and shutting down the kitchen for the night and then scrolling through my Reader items, it's approaching 10pm and I'm too tired to help the kids with showers, but will the energy to give them massages. (Sag's lasts only a couple of minutes as he finds them very giggle-inducing.)
By the time I've tucked them in, blessings recited for all (Sag has some stuffed animal 'bros' who each get one, too), it's almost 11pm.
Last night, by this point, my blood was beginning to do the hormonal boil. My patience was flatlined and I hated the way I sounded. I went in to apologize and was forgiven on the spot.
A kernel of remembrance brought me back to the computer (the previous night I was surprised at the dip in our balance) and I logged onto my bank account. And there I saw it: someone(s) else has been busy, too. Using my hacked debit card number to help themselves to cash.
Anger, anxiety, a sense of invasion and hopelessness. (I feel exposed and brought into violent community against my will. And I know this is nothing compared to what millions of other souls experience day-to-day in terms of being 'brought into violent community against their wills'. This strikes horror in my heart.)
(Our bank has shown itself to be equipped to handle this type of situation seemingly efficiently, so far. The amounts should be credited back by the beginning of next week pending our faxing them back an affidavit which they have already e-mailed me a pdf of. $700. Scary.)
An episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia helped last night. It smoothed out the frazzle enough that I could fall asleep sometime past 1am.
This morning there were some more charges that hadn't yet posted last night. Felt like another blow to this psyche made tender by hormones. It should all be over soon. The account number has been flagged as stolen, a new number has been generated, life goes on. I wonder how much money banks lose over this kind of thing every year? I know they still make plenty of profit. It's all kind of messed up.
Woke to the sound of rain hitting air conditioner metal.
This morning the kids are watching a Harry Potter movie they picked up at the library yesterday. I'm heading into the kitchen to roast a chicken and put away the (clean) accoutrement of common meal. This afternoon, a play date at Tiina's. Tonight a planned phone date with a beloved friend.
Peace to you today.
It's been a busy few days of doing, doing, doing, fueled by a burst of energy and of necessity. (update: Cap had a friend bolt cut his cast off two nights ago and he has an appointment with a second ortho doc next week. He's been in e-mail contact with our trusted family doc who has been advising him---before and after the fact of his journey as the case may be---along the way.)
By the time I'm done cleaning and shutting down the kitchen for the night and then scrolling through my Reader items, it's approaching 10pm and I'm too tired to help the kids with showers, but will the energy to give them massages. (Sag's lasts only a couple of minutes as he finds them very giggle-inducing.)
By the time I've tucked them in, blessings recited for all (Sag has some stuffed animal 'bros' who each get one, too), it's almost 11pm.
Last night, by this point, my blood was beginning to do the hormonal boil. My patience was flatlined and I hated the way I sounded. I went in to apologize and was forgiven on the spot.
A kernel of remembrance brought me back to the computer (the previous night I was surprised at the dip in our balance) and I logged onto my bank account. And there I saw it: someone(s) else has been busy, too. Using my hacked debit card number to help themselves to cash.
Anger, anxiety, a sense of invasion and hopelessness. (I feel exposed and brought into violent community against my will. And I know this is nothing compared to what millions of other souls experience day-to-day in terms of being 'brought into violent community against their wills'. This strikes horror in my heart.)
(Our bank has shown itself to be equipped to handle this type of situation seemingly efficiently, so far. The amounts should be credited back by the beginning of next week pending our faxing them back an affidavit which they have already e-mailed me a pdf of. $700. Scary.)
An episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia helped last night. It smoothed out the frazzle enough that I could fall asleep sometime past 1am.
This morning there were some more charges that hadn't yet posted last night. Felt like another blow to this psyche made tender by hormones. It should all be over soon. The account number has been flagged as stolen, a new number has been generated, life goes on. I wonder how much money banks lose over this kind of thing every year? I know they still make plenty of profit. It's all kind of messed up.
Woke to the sound of rain hitting air conditioner metal.
This morning the kids are watching a Harry Potter movie they picked up at the library yesterday. I'm heading into the kitchen to roast a chicken and put away the (clean) accoutrement of common meal. This afternoon, a play date at Tiina's. Tonight a planned phone date with a beloved friend.
Peace to you today.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sign of life
When my mom gave up the house in Queens, the childhood home of my memories, she gave up a seasonal cast of flora with which to express her art in tea ceremony.
Our yard, for which I can take virtually no credit, sometimes provides her with a spark of color, a bit of the outside brought in. When we went over on Sunday, my mom made a small request and so I brought her some of this. (The only bloom, other than the hydrangeas, in a yard that has been the scene of a lot of hot, dehydrating weather.)
I like being a bridge between my mom and the natural world.
In the kitchen
Seaweed soup simmering.
Black and kidney bean 'mush' resting.
White rice cooking (for onigiri making).
Agave-sweetened red bush tea icing.
Bag of Yukon Golds waiting.
More cooking tomorrow, Wednesday night common meal is back on and we're hosting.
Black and kidney bean 'mush' resting.
White rice cooking (for onigiri making).
Agave-sweetened red bush tea icing.
Bag of Yukon Golds waiting.
More cooking tomorrow, Wednesday night common meal is back on and we're hosting.
Monday, July 26, 2010
A good day
A cold front came through last night. Sag and I slept together in the living room (he's been having some intense bouts of "bad thoughts" at bedtime). The windows were wide open all night. I love that. I slept like a baby.
I lassoed the morning with some structure and organization. After breakfast the kids and I spent two hours together reading, playing Chutes and Ladders (hopefully not again anytime soon, I can't stand that game), and writing. More structure means I'm going to have to do some planning and prepping. Re-enter one passion, another will have to exit. (So it goes in my world of musical interests/activities.)
We spent the afternoon at Danielle's. The kids played, I did a bit of food shopping, and D and I got to spend some time hanging out which we haven't done in awhile. It was wonderfully relaxing.
I read aloud a chapter of The Middle Moffat after we got home. Put some rice in the rice cooker and then the kids and I watched last night's episode of "Next Food Network Star". I made a patchwork type of dinner: three different types of sandwiches for three of us, rice for the fourth, anchoring it all with sautéed zucchini, onion and garlic from the farm.
Cap took the kids to the comic book store for some birthday gift shopping. And once I got the kitchen cleaned up, I caught up with my online stuff and then opened the box that arrived in the mail this morning.
me and my cone.
I lassoed the morning with some structure and organization. After breakfast the kids and I spent two hours together reading, playing Chutes and Ladders (hopefully not again anytime soon, I can't stand that game), and writing. More structure means I'm going to have to do some planning and prepping. Re-enter one passion, another will have to exit. (So it goes in my world of musical interests/activities.)
We spent the afternoon at Danielle's. The kids played, I did a bit of food shopping, and D and I got to spend some time hanging out which we haven't done in awhile. It was wonderfully relaxing.
I read aloud a chapter of The Middle Moffat after we got home. Put some rice in the rice cooker and then the kids and I watched last night's episode of "Next Food Network Star". I made a patchwork type of dinner: three different types of sandwiches for three of us, rice for the fourth, anchoring it all with sautéed zucchini, onion and garlic from the farm.
Cap took the kids to the comic book store for some birthday gift shopping. And once I got the kitchen cleaned up, I caught up with my online stuff and then opened the box that arrived in the mail this morning.
me and my cone.I'm going to enjoy tonight's episode of The Closer with my gelati from Rita's. A hormonal treat which may also teach the kids the value of finishing one's truly small portion of vegetables...you never know when dessert is going to be something as sweet as Rita's.
On deck for tomorrow: washing the kitchen floor, playdate with Melody and her boys, the Stix-n-Stitches birthday yarn sale (I have a gift certificate!), CSA pick up (veggies! fruit! chicken! eggs!), and an appointment with Vinny.
Ongoing: falling back in love with reading...
On deck for tomorrow: washing the kitchen floor, playdate with Melody and her boys, the Stix-n-Stitches birthday yarn sale (I have a gift certificate!), CSA pick up (veggies! fruit! chicken! eggs!), and an appointment with Vinny.
Ongoing: falling back in love with reading...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Today
The big event will be the show: Walking with Dinosaurs at Madison Square Garden with my mom. She's into theatrical productions big and small. When I was little she took my sibs and me to see Annie, Joseph's Technicolor Dreamcoat and Beatlemania on Broadway. She also encouraged us to sing in the church choir and perform in the annual children's theater shows.As an adult I've been less enamored with musicals, but have enjoyed aspects of performances she has taken me to, including Phantom and Damn Yankees. Honestly, she's taken me to see so many productions I'm sure I don't remember all of them. But, they are all in me, bits and parts of art and music and wonder and emotion...and I am grateful.
As the kids have become beings who can sit and tolerate the sights and sounds of live theater, my mom has begun to take them to performances, as well. I think the first one was The Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall. Then last year it was Cirque du Soleil's Wintuk. This year, it's Walking with Dinosaurs.
It will be one of those hot days in the city that I remember well from my childhood/adolescence. The shimmers and smells that bake onto themselves as you waft in and out. Each movement and moment in seeming slow motion. The melting pot temperature on super boil as any breeze attempting to break through the fortress gets turned away.
No mind though, as my mom's perfected GFCF Japanese style pan fried chicken will be our dinner. Yum, yum and yum.
Yesterday afternoon Shannon hosted a lovely get together. We watched some episodes of Arrested Development. (First we indoctrinated Elizabeth into the Church of Bluth and yesterday it was Joan's turn :-) We ate delicious fruit, veggies and dips. We sipped root beer and coconut water. We talked, shared and laughed.
Last night I started reading Last Night at the Lobster. I'm still reading On Writing, but the memoir part is over and now it's about writing. Still good stuff, but not quite the lyrical experience I need to unwind at the end of the day.
Hope you're having some lyrical experience this weekend :-)
Friday, July 23, 2010
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