Begging pardon

...for my fuss earlier.  I was/am PMSing.

If I've learned one thing over the past few years, it's to just be myself. I've been turning my back on waffling and feelings of guilt quite successfully.  And my old nemesis, self-loathing?  Way, way gone.

As I indicated earlier, this "self" changes all the time in terms of energy...which then dictates mood and capacity, variably.

So, today, I am in my pjs for the second day in a row.  And I am staying that way even as my energy shifts somewhat.  Rather than running my outdoor errands (thanks to Cap for taking those on), I am focusing the energy I've regained towards massive organizing.  Getting all the bits of mental confetti sorted and down on paper.

Oh, yes.  Today has been about making list after list.

Dinners are planned through next weekend and Cap is out now doing the food shopping.

Calendars have been synched.  We usually do three months in advance, once a month.  March birthdays have been noted.  Appointment phone calls have been made.

March/Spring brings a definite renewal type of energy to my homeschooling.  On the agenda, new, for the next couple of months: music, art, science, handwork, writing mechanics, writing, and housework.  It's going to be a squeeze on top of the usual Qigong, math, Spanish, read aloud and reading.

Cap will continue doing his thing with the kids two mornings a week, plus the daily homework he gives them.

Bonus: I am so stoked.  Cap's agreed to get the kids up and fed breakfast by 8:30 every morning.  This means I can delve into my new morning routine tomorrow!  Wake at 7 and have an hour and a half essentially to myself.

I'm going to load my Qigong music (with Master Lu naming and counting off the movements) onto my iPod so I can practice in the kitchen away from the laptop.  This will help me break my habit of going online first thing every morning.  I can unload the dishwasher, practice Qigong, eat a simple breakfast and then get dressed and go out for a walk.

My brain is doing a happy dance.  It's probably going to take a few days, or even longer, for my body to catch up.  But, it will be good.  Very good.

Mood

I am, as they say, in a mood.

Tired of Gem cycling in and out of being sick.  (He's got a high-ish fever for two days in a row now and, not surprisingly, looks run down.  Bright side is he's not in acute pain/throwing up/having diarrhea.)

Pissed that Gem woke me up twice this morning.  Once to tell me he was getting out of bed, the other to ask if he could blog about the exciting Pokemon news.  (He will learn not to wake me up, he will learn not to wake me up, he will...)

Annoyed by something that keeps coming up for us around common meal.

Frustrated that I am not myself.  Except I am.  Because we are always our selves, no matter what.  Everything is ever changing,  But...you know what I mean.  Don't you?  The past few mornings I have woken up achey and exhausted.

Moving on and looking up:

• tonight I start my new bedtime routine.  screens off by 9:30, in bedroom by 10:30, stand like a dragon between heaven and earth before getting into bed.

• tomorrow I start my new morning routine.  wake at 7.  practice Qigong.  simple breakfast.  take a walk.

• discovered that Subaru does make a wagon, an Impreza wagon.  this will be the first car we test drive.

• it is so much lighter!  at both ends of the day I am feeling it more and more.  of course this coincided with a cold snap and incredibly strong winds this weekend.  confusion has ensued.

• found some Mac-friendly typing programs.

• creating organizational structure to rely on this week and into March: meal planning, homeschooling, housework, accounting.

Time

Yesterday, we spent a lot of time with Cap.  Unusual for a "regular" day.  ("Regular" meaning not a planned day of outing/doing something very specific together...like visiting with family or hosting family.)

He came with us to the Apple store (Lula was absolutely fine up there on the Genius Bar.  She acted as if she had been fine the whole time.  Pierre was very gracious about it.  I am relieved because she continued to behave once we were home.  I think my charger wigged out and reset when I tried it on Cap's laptop right before we left for the Genius appointment.  The battery appears fine, despite the super drain of power it experienced earlier this week.)

It's always nice to have another pair of eyes when one is out of the house, and in a crowded store, with the kids.  But, it was the moral support I'd wanted in place.  In case I had to deal with someone nowhere near as pleasant as Pierre was.

I was pleasantly surprised when Cap agreed to come with Gem and me to drop Sag off at Robotics and then on to Terra for a cuppa and the library for browsing.  This kind of "non-work" ("work" here meaning the work of the home) spontaneous time together is very rare.

Our time at Terra was distracted by fuss behind the counter related to some mechanical diagnostic going on.  But, my Irish Breakfast tea was soothing.  Gem ordering a smoothie was exciting but not to be repeated (he didn't care for it.  He did enjoy the sour gummy worms.)  Cap enjoyed a mug of hot cider and a serviceable GF biscotti.

The library was particularly fruitful.  Warriors manga, a Big Nate book, a selection of Diana Wynne Jones books (a new favored fantasy author Sag is delving into), some kid classics in Spanish (I was right: Sag was tickled)...a knitting book for me and Season 2 of Meerkat Manor for Gem and me.

After we picked up Sag, we swung around to the supermarket.  Cap was tired and decided to nap rather than make dinner.  Sag and I wandered the aisles.  He chose a croissant from the nearly empty display case while I waited for Gem's sushi to be rolled.  Sag decided to try a GF frozen pizza we hadn't tried before (Glutino Duo Cheese...'twas good, but tiny...shot them an e-mail expressing my disappointment that the pizza turned out to be smaller than the lifelike photo on the box.)

As I walked through the night rain from the car to the front door, I felt alive and happy.  A wave of nostalgia buffeted me.  Not of a specific event/experience of Cap and me walking together in the damp gloaming...but of time before, time spent together, just being and doing.

It's going to be a quiet day here.  Gem was not feeling well again last night, but seems better this morning.  I'm off to the farmer's market as soon as I get off Lula.  We were going to see about test driving some cars while Sag is at a friend's this morning, but that will wait...unless Gem is game.

I am hoping to get to some homeschooling planning/thinking, to flip through the knitting book, to catch up with The Whiskers, to roast some broccoli with bacon, and to pick my next book to read.

Peace and love y'all.

Parody

Sag just mentioned this book again.  (The kids coveted it during the holidays.)  Thanks, YouTube!

 

Buzz

Lula has a Genius appointment this afternoon (thanks for your wise words, Kelly).

Earlier this week, I read about why it is good to eat dark chocolate, even if it has a bit of sugar in it, so I had some last night.  And it felt like medicine.  Truly.  So good.  Check out Mark's fave five bars.  I had the Green & Black's.

The kids are both feeling better this morning which is a relief.  (We were exposed to strep on Wed on top of the GI stuff prior to Wed.)

I had a tendency to be thrown off by vacation weeks when I was working in schools...and this is an aspect of schooling which trips us up at home, still.  Having our schooling friends available for during-the-day play is impossible to turn down.

Between time with friends and being sick and recovering from being sick and immune systems dip fending off new germs, it is Friday already.

I cannot believe February is over next week.  For reals.  I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and then nailing some shit down.  Like multiplication tables.  And keyboarding and/or cursive.  And the declutter of another room.  (The front room is maintaining nicely though it took the better part of two days to clean it last weekend because I/we are not on top of that yet.)

The car needs to be dealt with, I'd like to figure out when we might go to Lima, and we have some March birthdays coming up.

Making inroads in the sleep and Qigong departments, cleaning up my eating, getting the kids and myself out more into fresh air...and continuing with reading and knitting.

It's been such a mild Winter.  Spring energy... cleansing, growing and otherwise, it's in the air!

Peace and love.

Didion

I am reading Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking.

I am in day 2 post-gluten gluttony.  Staying still, wondering when I will learn.

I am in a Lula bind.  Her charger has abruptly stopped working.  Cap is too preoccupied with massive grading to shoot me her registration number via e-mail.  (This I understand and there is no resentment.) She also seems to be losing her charge too quickly.  This is all to say that she has been off, mostly, and I don't want to use the desktop, so I am relatively cyber-quiet at the moment.  (I've been using Cap's charger, when I can, to keep her juice up.)

Anyway, back to Didion.

Page 77:

"I had never before had the patience to work crossword puzzles, but now imagined that the practice would encourage a return to constructive cognitive engagement."  (Emphasis mine.)

Constructive cognitive engagement.  That's what I'm thinking about.

This is an interesting book.  The subject matter is tough.  But her voice is clear and her art is beautiful.

A quickie

A quick muse.

I want to stretch my brain more.  Mental exercise.  Wondering in which direction to proceed.

Read this and appreciated it.  Connected to my new urge.

Peace and love.

Chaotic kick

I have been shaking things up a bit...living the chaos before a cleanse.  Today I (finally) had a macaron from the French bakery that opened up in town over the Summer.  They are gluten-free, but do contain sugar.  I've given them as gifts twice, but have abstained myself.

I went with pistachio.  It was interesting and very, very tasty.

I want to kick nudge myself off this plateau.  There is some energy here.  Feels a bit chaotic.

Our time with Anna and the kids was fun, loving, warming and wonderful.  Today I got to buy Elsa (our goddaughter) yarn and knitting needles!  Be still my heart.  I am full up with gratitude.

Old friends

We spent the day with before-the-womb friends.  Anna and Cara (friends of ours since freshman year of college) came over with their broods.  The six kids have known each other since they were babies...and now the oldest is nearly 14 and the youngest is 10.

Here are some shots from our trip to the bookshop.  It has been a lovely day.

Pencil bouquet

The cleaning continues.  The kids are working on their catch all dresser top, I am working on the desk/computer table.  Cap's working hard for our money.

Our artists use their pencils down to the nubs.  Once or twice a year I clean out the pencil and pen drawer tossing the ones that are no longer usable.  My brain actually likes this kind of work.  It's a nice respite from the type of cleaning I don't like.  (ie. figuring out places for the things that don't have one and have cluttered whatever space they are occupying.)

I am trying to peacefully let go of the pangs of guilt I have tossing these pencil nubs.  If I were some crafty maven I bet I'd find some use for them.  Back in the day I used to keep junk like this, bagging it and stuffing into a corner somewhere.  "Some day I will find a use for this," is what I used to say to myself.  A mutation of childhood memories of my mom shunning waste of any sort.  My mom who came of age in post-war Japan.

There is also my attraction (because of this mutated belief system?...maybe, I'd never thought of it that way...) to things/ways of "old".



Back to our quiet cleaning Sunday.

Peace and love.

Cleaning up the nest

Oh boy, this has been a long time coming.

Last week I was so fatigued I couldn't make it to the farmer's market.  Thankfully, the tide has turned and I was there at 9am today.  I bought my meat, cheese and eggs, and Sag's usual, a small cheese pizza.

Once home, I rolled up my sleeves and set to work on the front room.  I detoured into the kids' room for a bit of vacuuming behind the beds, and of course, the kitchen for the day's kitchen work.  Six hours later, I am nearly done with the front room.

For today, I'm done.  I'll fold that pile of laundry and then read my book.  (Not on my 2012 list, a V Day gift from Cap, it is wonderful.)  Knowing I'd be dealing with major cleaning all weekend (we have company coming Monday!), I snagged Cap's dinner services yesterday.  He's cooking for him and the kids tonight and tomorrow night.

I really hate cleaning.  It is so boring.  And I am so slow.  But I do love how it looks and feels when I'm done!

P.S.  Though I tend to be "in charge" of cleaning, I by no means do it all myself.  Cap has certain regular chores and is always game to pitch in with whatever I ask him to do.  We are slowly engaging the kids in cooperating with housework, too.

Sweet bitter love

Truth: I have some mixed feelings about that granny pants shot.

Let me hip block it down with a clip of an incredible rendition of Sweet Bitter Love sung by old school Aretha.

Yesterday was a tough day.  My mood was quite dank and black.  (Today the skies of my mind have cleared.)  Late in the day, I received an iTunes gift.  It was a bunch of Aretha songs.  I never knew you could do that through iTunes!

Thank you, Snapper, for injecting some goodness into a dark day.

Granny pants

 

kickin' it old school.

My granny pants have arrived.  

Growing up with an Asian mom and being a practitioner of TCM, the importance of keeping the belly and lower back warm is engrained in me.  I often wear an undershirt which is firmly tucked into my pants.  I am a layered queen.  Knitting myself hats, scarves, cowls, shawls and wrist/arm warmers: a pleasure.  The head, the back of the neck, the back...all good to keep warm.

When my beloved Maggie's organics underwear started falling apart a couple of months ago, it was time to invest in some new unders.  You may recall my ruminations here.  It's nerve wracking ordering custom made underwear.  Decent Exposures make their undies in a variety of styles, fabrics and colors.  That part was fun.  (Mine are granny "full brief" style, organic cotton, lavender and black.)

What was less fun was wondering about how they were going to fit...for a month.  They provide you with very specific sizing info including the fact that their sizes tend to run big.  Honestly, when I pulled these out of the package, I was a bit horrified.  They looked SO big.

I knew they weren't going to shrink in the dryer because I don't plan on putting them through the dryer.  After their maiden wash through a cold, delicate cycle, I put them on this morning...and they fit like a dream.  They are so freaking comfortable.  The cotton is soft, the little bit of spandex pulls the styling together (no poufiness in these underpants) and the color is pretty in a natural way.  Well done, Decent Exposures, well done.

On this month's playlist

Fallow february

This piece by Ayelet Waldman in the NYT comes at a good time for me.  Or a bad time.  (smile)

Since Saturday I have been very quiet.  I've had virus-y symptoms varied and, for the most part, mild.  (The kids, too.)  We were exposed to a nasty bug last week.

Time will tell as it marches on what this fallow time represents.

It has been on my mind that I am at another plateau. Brain chemistry-wise, the flatness of plateaus do not work for me.  I get bored, I get restless.  This NYT piece recently struck a chord.

I feel deflated in moments.  And it could be any, all or some combination of the below (for bonus points the combinations and durations of combinations could be variable from hour to hour!):

• immune system low

• SAD (seasonal affective disorder)

• hormonal/menstrual/mood cycle disorder

• plateau of sugar- and grain-free process

The thing to do is to keep moving.  The whys are not that important to me.  Articles like Waldman's are good because they serve to open my eyes and mind...and my heart.  I feel less alone because I read her piece.  Less of a freak show and more of the flow.

The bad of reading articles like hers is less bad these days.  For a long time, I had a tendency to glom onto new ideas and make them a part of me, quickly and deeply.  (The novelty thing, see second link.)  This morning, though I could relate to specific experiences she mentioned in her piece, I knew, deep down, that I don't have bipolar.

But, I can easily place myself on the bipolar spectrum.  My genetic family tree lights up with addiction spots not too far removed from where I sit (one of my grandparents was likely an alcoholic).  So it was interesting to read about Bipolar II.  I'd never heard of that before.

The thing about "just keep moving" is that it is hard to do in a month like February.  For all the light I felt during January and this mild Winter, February is finding me, so far, entrenched like so many Februarys past.

I am tired.  I am not sleeping well.  I am not getting outside.  It's like I'm hibernating, but I'm not.  Because it's not that restful...yet it does feel essential.

Peace.

Fun stuff

I am reading Going Bovine.  It started slow, but has really picked up.  It's a ride with plenty of twists and turns...and to the author's credit, I am happily being flung about not wanting it to end.

This passage just made me laugh out loud.  It may be that you have to be here...in which case, perhaps you want to go pick up a copy of the book and read for yourself...

"Later, after we've polished off some deer meat and Rad soda, Balder has a blast letting the scientists test their various lasers and protoplasm pelters and even a potato gun on him.  With each hit, he shouts out, "Who's your Daddy?", in Norse, until, frankly, it gets kind of annoying."

Rosetta stone

I wish I could take a photo to capture something of the magic that is Sag and Rosetta Stone Home School Spanish (Latin America).

Last Fall, when we thought we might be visiting Vanessa in January, I bought the Rosetta Stone (at a little bit of a bulk discount through Homeschool Buyers Co-op).  Both the kids dove right in, enjoying it a lot.

As it turns out, Sag took to learning Spanish like a fish to water.

Maybe it's no coincidence that this kid loves music so much, too.  Listening to him speak Spanish, to the cadence of his thoughts as they trill through figuring out the nuts and bolts...the clear tones of joy merging with growth and now...

His Spanish is the backbeat of my soundtrack these days.  (He asked me to buy Level Two, it arrived the other day.  Chugging along, he is.)

Purple goodness

I do love purple.  My SIL gave me some squishy and sparkly purple yarn for my birthday.

I spent much of the weekend knitting the blanket.  (Not purple.)  And while it was satisfying, this kind of longterm knitting does take on a sloggy feel to it, for me.  You can't quite completely take the ADDish need for instant gratification out of this girl, as it turns out.

So, late last night, I cast on the purple for a scarf.  And this evening, I wove in the ends.  That super bulky yarn will knit up right quick for you, hear?

I love the sparklies.  For real.  But, I don't love the feel of the 51% acrylic.  Especially when it's paired with mohair which I am coming to realize is not a favored fiber of mine.  No worries.  I can easily wear this not directly on my skin.

I am looking to steam block it.  (Kelly, do you have a steam iron I can borrow?)  Blocking, like swatching, is an aspect of knitting I have yet to embrace very fully. But, these leaves curl slightly and blocking would likely help flatten them, making them more visually prominent.  If the yarn was wool, it'd be a no brainer to block.  But, word is that acrylic is blockable if done carefully (ie. don't stick the iron on those plastic filaments!)

Purple goodness.  Love it.

About gloves

Where we live, we need gloves in wintertime.  Two kinds.  One for serious snowy fun (waterproof and warm).  One for cozy comfort (lighter weight and possibly more fashionable).

When the kids were little, I treated gloves as consumables (ie. buy cheap) because they grew so much between seasons.  As they entered boyhood they didn't need them in the Sacramento seasons.  We moved here and suddenly gloves became consumable for a whole other reason: single gloves would inevitably get lost within weeks of purchase...sometimes days.

For these reasons, gloves were never a significant line item in our clothing budget.

I was shocked when the gloves I ordered for the kids from L.L. Bean arrived a few weeks ago and they were too small.  Like no other item of clothing, kids size out of kid size gloves before age 12!  When I exchanged them today (at a store they recently opened locally), I was able to try on the men's gloves to see whether they would fit the kids.  Indeed, the men's small felt between just right and snug on my hands (depending on the style of glove) and my hands are a smidge bigger than the boys' hands.

Even with the "serious" winter ones being on sale, the total for four pairs of gloves for the kids?  $90!  Yikes.

(I have this thing where I will spend more money on what I consider to be quality items...generally for things which are used daily/heavily and/or things which need to be reliable when they are needed.  Hence, this, these and these...all of which have provided me or the kids with comfort and good looking wear for years and years and years.)

It cracks me up that these gloves are as big as my head.  They do not feel it, at all, when you have them on.  Hopefully they will not get lost (they're too big to get lost, right?) and hopefully they will last for more than a season of growth.  In any event, time to adjust.  Again.

Quiet sunday

Listening to Miles, knitting stitch upon stitch of this colorful cotton blanket (wishing it was more wooly, the wintry wind is a-blowin'), one boy Minecrafting happily, one boy iPad-ing in bed quietly (under the weather), one boy working assiduously on an initial report of the state of adult education, for the State.