This piece by Ayelet Waldman in the NYT comes at a good time for me. Or a bad time. (smile)
Since Saturday I have been very quiet. I've had virus-y symptoms varied and, for the most part, mild. (The kids, too.) We were exposed to a nasty bug last week.
Time will tell as it marches on what this fallow time represents.
It has been on my mind that I am at another plateau. Brain chemistry-wise, the flatness of plateaus do not work for me. I get bored, I get restless. This NYT piece recently struck a chord.
I feel deflated in moments. And it could be any, all or some combination of the below (for bonus points the combinations and durations of combinations could be variable from hour to hour!):
• immune system low
• SAD (seasonal affective disorder)
• hormonal/menstrual/mood cycle disorder
• plateau of sugar- and grain-free process
The thing to do is to keep moving. The whys are not that important to me. Articles like Waldman's are good because they serve to open my eyes and mind...and my heart. I feel less alone because I read her piece. Less of a freak show and more of the flow.
The bad of reading articles like hers is less bad these days. For a long time, I had a tendency to glom onto new ideas and make them a part of me, quickly and deeply. (The novelty thing, see second link.) This morning, though I could relate to specific experiences she mentioned in her piece, I knew, deep down, that I don't have bipolar.
But, I can easily place myself on the bipolar spectrum. My genetic family tree lights up with addiction spots not too far removed from where I sit (one of my grandparents was likely an alcoholic). So it was interesting to read about Bipolar II. I'd never heard of that before.
The thing about "just keep moving" is that it is hard to do in a month like February. For all the light I felt during January and this mild Winter, February is finding me, so far, entrenched like so many Februarys past.
I am tired. I am not sleeping well. I am not getting outside. It's like I'm hibernating, but I'm not. Because it's not that restful...yet it does feel essential.
Peace.
3 comments:
Really, really interesting...hormones versus crazy....what a story! I did not have those very highs and lows you and she describe; what I had were very, very painful cramps. Aside from very serious side effects from my hysterectomy/oopherectomy, I did not miss having periods!
I try to be in the "now" and not look forward to menopause. And who knows, maybe menopause won't be a bed of roses either. The highs are so good. It actually does feel worth it for me...but having a partner and kids...it's not necessarily worth it for them.
I don't seem to have any of the highs, mostly just the lows. I'm positive it has to do with perimenopause.
Keep taking one day at a time :-)
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