Taste buds

I'm shifting food gears and heading deeper into Dragon's Way territory.  My mind is caught up to the body, which always feels nice :-)  I thought about eggs when I walked into the kitchen, but I didn't want them (small sigh of relief).  The things was, though, that I didn't want walnuts either.

I meditated on it (realizing this in retrospect...at the time it was likely equal part ADD moving right along to the next thing that caught my attention and ADD strategy moving right along to ride a sprint to wash the soaking items in the sink and put away the items in the drying rack) and after taking care of some tasks and making a new recipe, Quinoa Breakfast Bars with Blueberries (I'll be blogging about this over at One Year Four Seasons later), I sat down to eat.

watermelon.

red grapes.

toasted pine nuts.

Sag practiced some knife skills he was so excited to have some watermelon.  My kids love fruit and will love the infusion of red fruit in our lives over the next six weeks (not all DW fruit is red, but most are).  They ate about 3/4 of the watermelon I thought might last me a week.  Every day something new to learn.

The pine nuts were pretty perfect.  They are so rich and so flavorful.  Very satisfying.  Everything was satisfying.  The essence of each food unique and strong and healing.  

I like to see in my mind's eye my taste buds blossoming as is so much of our half of the Earth, opening to give and receive, to take part in the cycle of Life, anchored resolutely in Natural Spirit and Universal Energy.

Party down

Funny stuff...how come I never heard about this show till Cap mentioned it recently? We are watching Season One on Starz On Demand...I think it's out on DVD, too...

Creating peace (one task at a time)

Tonight "picking up living room" was left on my list.  I was stuffed from dinner (normally enervating), but was energized by my motivation to get this one last item checked off.  I figured I had an hour before doing bath time with the kids so I got out the timer and got to work.

I love modeling these strategies!  I love that the kids are hearing and seeing and understanding that I am trying something new to help me stay on track.  They have front row seats to a grown up identifying an issue, testing possible solutions and jumping about with joy as she succeeds.

I set and reset the timer for ten minute increments.  One of the times it went off I was reaching my hand over the mouse to check e-mail.  Snagged!

It took less than an hour to do a general pick up and boy, did that feel good, to get it done.

As I picked up and organized, I made a pile of my current books and it looked so lovely.  Warm and inviting and peaceful.

Sucker for the smell

I am incredibly olfactory.  A highly sensitive smeller rather than a super smeller, I'd say.  Doesn't matter if they're good or bad, scents barrel their way right into my central nervous system and have their way with me.

I don't mind, it's been this way forever.

The other day, I was at Whole Foods and had to wait for some salmon sushi to be rolled.  I was alone and the store was pretty empty so I strolled around trying to hold the thought that this was dangerous impulse shopping territory.

Moments like these can actually be useful for me.  Having just a bit of time and space for myself, in the right environment, allows threads that typically don't make it to each other, to magically weave together quickly...magnetically.

The chaos of Spring has dried out my skin.  My scattered mind had noticed this, but hadn't yet gotten around to doing anything about it.  I found myself walking the health and beauty care aisle and standing in front of this:

I opened one and took a sniff...heaven.  Turns out there is grapefruit essential oil in there...one of my favorites.  It's a small meditation now when I remember to put some on my hands at night before turning in.

Short sprints

One of the ADD books mentions utilizing 'short sprints' of mood, motivation and/or energy to get the things you want to do, done.

This would have never occurred to me because I think of myself as such a slow moving entity.  A manatee :-)

But, as these words and ideas seep into my subconscious and stick there, because somewhere down there a part of me knows it makes sense...or at the very least it sounds worth trying, I am finding myself moving and acting in short sprints and getting things done.

The day's agenda helps, keeping it simple helps, sprinting to the end of a task (when energy/focus starts to flag) helps, self-talk helps.  This is so interesting and rewarding.

This morning I photocopied the tax forms, addressed the envelopes, wrote one check (instead of two, yay!) and handed everything over to Cap, who was going to the post office.  Afterward, I felt a very familiar letdown of energy as the adrenalin left my body.

Typically, this sort of energy letdown would lead to a haze of unfocused inactivity which could last for hours...or honestly?...for the rest of the day.

Today, I could feel the haze settling almost from outside my body.  And this external awareness helped me click into the strategies I've been reading about.  The out-of-body clarity I think came from the new herbs I'm taking kicking into full gear (which happened after the intense PMS and start of period roared through me...who knows maybe that intensity was part of the herbs kicking in).

So I made bread, cleaned the bathroom, practiced Qigong and made a new recipe for dinner.  Four of the five things on my list, accomplished.  As strange as this may seem to you, this does feel like an accomplishment to me.  I did more than these things today, but without a list guiding me, these are all things which could have easily fallen by the wayside.  Day after day after day...until my mood latched onto the activity for one random and unplanned reason or another, or, some sort of emotional trigger forced my hand (like cleaning the bathroom to avoid the shame of a guest walking into my really gross bathroom).

I have one more thing left on my list, so I'm off to do that now.

Peace and love, people.

Giggle

no, not on the Dragon's Way list.

Yesterday was crazy.  A perfect storm of one opportunity to the next to simply let things go from morning till night.  Just do and do again.

I felt energized all day and kept the voice at my ear screaming "taxes, taxes!" at bay and eventually it fell away.

I tried Amy's GFCF mac and cheese for dinner and was very pleasantly surprised.  It's a satisfying bit of processed food.

Today has opened up, as these things sometimes happen, so I'm off to the eye doctor and then will work on the taxes the rest of the day with the usual breaks to feed and care for children.

The return

toasted walnuts with honey.

I'm starting a Dragon's Way class tonight.

I have been craving meat lately and quelling the need by eating it, and feeling happy.  Over the weekend I had a steak, which doesn't happen very often.  It was utterly satisfying.

Yesterday, as I was moving along on my 'getting-things-done', it occurred to me that maybe I should ease up on my desire to 'do the food' while doing Dragon's Way.  I felt like it would be stressful to cut out animal protein when my body is wanting it so much lately.  I allowed myself the flexibility to see what happens.

This morning, interestingly enough, I didn't want my usual two eggs on toast.  I kind of felt like Panda Puffs with a banana and rice milk.  And then, somehow, my mind went to: just have the walnuts (that were ready to go in the fridge because I had planned on eating Dragon's Way and stocked up on ingredients over the weekend).

So, I toasted some walnuts on the stove, drizzled them with honey, and munched.

I have a list of items for today.  I've done one already which was to bake bread (technically, it will be done, the bread is in the machine as I type).

My working on taxes will have to shift a bit because I did not get the response I needed from my bank about a figure I need from them.  Hopefully, Cap will have that number for me by day's end.  I can get started on the state form and Danielle gave me a heads up about a new schedule M that is causing confusion.

I feel restless.  I can feel a heat rising inside.  Is it a resistance to going back to the list?  Or is it a desire to get back to the list?  

A playdate at a nearby playground has materialized overnight.  I want to add it to my list, but does that mean I should subtract something, taking a cue from one of the books?  I should try that rather than continue feeling a bit queasy and indecisive about whether to go or not.

Little notebook

smile.

I'm smiling because last night I remembered the keyboard shortcut which allows me to use the built-in camera on the computer without the countdown (which is loud).  Which means I can sneak shots of unsuspecting children who don't normally like to have their picture taken.

But, I am also smiling because I am picking up strategies and information from two of the ADD books I've started to read and they worked well today.

The biggest smile, which is mostly inside and with my whole being, is due to paradigm shifting.  Always exciting when that happens :-)

Ah...I can feel my thoughts, specific ideas, swirling around my head and I am having difficulty putting words to keyboard.  A characteristic of ADD wouldn't you know.  For the moment, I am going to resist the urge to go to bullet points.  And, I'm grabbing the timer.

In one of the books, they suggest using a timer to help keep you on track.  And rather than itemize a task by name only, to itemize using a time frame.  So, I just decided to blog about this for 30 minutes.  And I am setting the timer for 10 minute intervals to help me remain on task.

I used the timer this afternoon to work on the taxes for 2 hours, which was one of my day's items.  It was so interesting...and unexpected, to experience time in a different way.  Though each block was 10 minutes long, they certainly didn't feel equally long/short.  It definitely helped me stay focused.  I did get distracted by checking e-mail and interacting with the kids, but I didn't lose track.  I was able to get back to my designated task at hand, and, as it turned out, every time the timer went off, I was working on the taxes!

I didn't finish the taxes.  But, I felt so productive, having used so many of the minutes to do what it was I had set out to do.  I felt really good, and so fulfilled.  I'm tearing up typing this because I am realizing that there are people who feel this kind of satisfaction most of the time.  I wasn't even clearly aware of this lack in my experience (or had long ago suppressed it because it was no fun being aware of it and not being able to do anything about it).  I've been living long term with the slow burn of frustration and ennui that comes with derailed intentions and never ending roads ahead.

Another suggestion in one of the books was to make a specific list of things you want to do that day (as opposed to week/month, or to have a running mental list).  I have done this in the past, but only here and there, never as a practice.  Or, as part of a larger calendar, such as a week's schedule (in a very schooly way).

I have a 2010 week-at-a-glance spiral bound notebook calendar that I bought on one of my Manhattan trips with Vanessa.  I like it because it reminds me of her.  This year I am using the electronic calendar in my home computer (my cell phone is not a 'smart phone') for the first time and loving it.  I had bought the paper calendar to jot my appointments with Vinny, but this hasn't worked out, practically.

So, this morning, I was glad to find a possible new use for this little notebook.  In the block for a day, there's room to write in about 8 items.  For today, I filled in 7:

• 2 hrs. taxes

• veggie soup

• bread flour

• Qigong

• walk

• V's photo album - pack

• fold laundry

And, I am stunned to report that 6 of the items are crossed off.  I managed my time so that everything got done.  With no stress.  That is key.  You know, there are right times and places...and I think this unfolding is happening because of that.

I did not pack the photo album for Vanessa.  I did e-mail her to get the absolute correct mailing address (I don't want this to get lost!)  And Sag says he wants to include something in the package so I gave him a few days to do that.

The thing about this list as a strategy is that the things on the list are not inherently overwhelming.  But, for someone like me, without the list, the items never get done because they don't get attended to.  They get lost in the ether as something else comes my way (and something always does) and my mind is captured by the movement (not necessarily the content!)  Tasks are completely forgotten till the end of the day round up of events...

Sounds so familiar (from the books):

• "People with ADD often...try to do everything at the same time (EAST).  They may begin multiple organizing projects with great enthusiasm---purchasing storage boxes, shelving, and paint but months later, the shelving hasn't been taken out of the boxes and the paint cans are still unopened."

• "ADD brains tend to be reactive---that is, they react to whatever comes into their immediate vicinity---making it harder for adults with ADD to stay on track with projects."

• "Adults with ADD often tend to slip into micro-focus when they're organizing---they get lost in the details instead of focusing on the larger task.  For example, if your task is to declutter your family room, but you find yourself organizing photos in your photo album you've slipped into micro-focus..."

• "Typically, adults with ADD grossly underestimate the amount of time a task will require."  (Since becoming a parent, I tend to overcompensate for this by setting aside huge blocks of time to get tasks done and then don't get them done anyway!)

• "Adults with ADD seem to both underdo it and overdo it, as paradoxical as this seems."

• "Adults with ADD often add things to their life---objects, activities, commitments---without doing the necessary subtraction...All this addition increases the chronic stress in the lives of many adults with ADD."

Okay, the timer is about to go off.  I could go on, but I need to move along to my next intentional activity: watching The Amazing Race with the kids.  

My shoulders have tightened typing these sentences.  They bring up suppressed stress, unhappiness and anger.  Breathe in, breathe out.

The timer went off.  I'm off.

Tickled

by the yellow curl.

by unstoppable energy.

Notes

• start tracking periods again.  it may help with planning to know when the chemical dips and chaos happens.  if there is a pattern, it will reveal itself through keeping track.

• start making a day's agenda in the morning...or the night before.  for my brain, this may be more helpful than a regular calendar of events or a week's schedule.

• start taking walks.  remember to put it on the day's agenda.  getting fresh air helps me a lot but I often don't remember to do it.

Like a klieg light

I burned my tongue on a lovely chai tea soy latte at Terra yesterday.  I met Silke for tea and was early.  It was peaceful.  And good.

Our time together was also, as always wonderful.  There's an immediacy to our connection as we catch up without kids and other grown ups.

Afterward we walked, she with her bike, to the library.  There, I discovered with some dismay that they were completely out of 1040 forms.  (I am loathe to use up expensive printer ink to print out forms and whatnot.)

I also picked up my latest batch of requested items.  Three books on ADD and a young adult novel called The Shadow Project.

Later we enjoyed a delicious family dinner.  Cap made burritos.

After dinner I played Wii with the kids while Cap cleaned up.  (Our general kitchen rule is that the cook does all clean up.  Our styles in the kitchen are quite different and this rule is at my request.)

While Cap tucked the kids in and made himself some movie watching dessert, I sat down with one of the ADD books: Add-Friendly Ways To Organize Your Life.  It is co-authored by a professional organizer and a psychologist who specializes in ADD.

I read the first 20 pages, my jaw dropping lower and lower as the sentences started flying past my eyes.

It was like a klieg light  clanked on, shining brightly on me, on aspects of my life.  Incredible.  Wow wow wow wow wow.

Scrambled

The chemicals in my body are resetting.  The weepiness has subsided, as has the strong lethargy.  I did wake up with a stomachache and a seemingly random spot on my right thigh has hurt since yesterday evening.

Donna called me during the day yesterday and it really helped to talk, be heard, and listen.  It helped immensely to hear her identify some things about me which she understands from loving and seeing and knowing me.  She definitely caught some strands which were swirling around my head.

I started crying, but held back.  That happened a couple of other times yesterday.  It's progress.  I used to be able to cry freely when I was younger.  Now, I do only with or through someone else's story, never my own.  As uncomfortable as I was yesterday, it was a shaking up of something pretty deep and if it's part of loosening up my ability to more freely express myself, it's ultimately a good thing.

I didn't fall asleep till after 2 am and had a bit of a hard time waking up.  When I did, I remembered that I still have to do the taxes.  Oops.

I thought about non-GFCF food yesterday in the throes of my depression, but I didn't crave it.  And I didn't have any.  The main thought/image I had was of subs.  Hmm.

I did have four kombuchas in four days after a long dry spell.  None in the fridge at the moment.  We'll see how that goes.

No more tv till I get my financial catch up, including the taxes, done.

And now, for some Qigong.

Down in the dumps

It's a mystery, it's a pendulum, it's impermanent.

Last night was good.  We had dinner with old family friends.  My mom came in from the city, I held a baby for long periods of time, the whole meal was wonderful and completely GFCF.

In my pocket

I was having a hard time this morning and almost didn't drive out to the health food store about 20 miles away to get an ingredient for my first ever hamburger buns.  I tried to get Cap to come with me and make it a field trip, but he had his own muse to follow (which involved cleaning the kids' room with the kids and doing a super thorough vacuuming so I am not complaining :-)

I was extremely motivated by my excitement about these burger buns.  My friend Lisa had sent me a bag of Montina flour in the mail 2 weeks ago, my bun pan arrived from Amazon last week, and all I needed to round out the 'new' components for this recipe was the non-dairy milk powder that waited for me at Nature's Pavilion.  (B, I was thinking of you, the store is in Pompton Plains :-)

I was digging through my jacket pocket for my lip balm and what not (record highs projected for today, no jacket necessary!) and my fingers felt something that instantly slowed me down.  The stones I had picked up at the beach on Sunday.

And I felt somewhat better.  Better enough to walk out the door and into the world to get my ingredient and a whole lot more.

Natural magnetism

Someone shares my love of the sea.  When he was in utero, I remember driving out to the tip of Provincetown and feeling him awaken and energize inside me.

Back from a weekend in Massachusetts.  Lovely visits with family (of origin and choice) abounded.  The drive home was arduously long and this morning came way too early with a child throwing up in bed.

Qigong

I've been practicing the standing dragon pose every morning while listening to Samskeyti by Sigur Rós.  It's about 5 minutes long.  Next week I'm going to add another song I can groove meditatively to...I see a Qigong playlist in my future :-)

I've been practicing every night next to the bed, right before I lay down.  Last night, I lay down first, then hopped back up remembering to practice.  Amazing how something can change in a matter of days.

Last night I felt a distinct opening of the gateway of my neck/shoulders as I practiced (a matter of minutes).  They felt tight and heavy as I started.  Then I felt throbbing...an achey throbbing as the Qi and blood worked its way through the tight channels.  Then relief and calm and warmth spread.

I've noticed from night one that if I practice before laying down, the bed feels incredibly soft...actually, it feels tender.  As if it is welcoming my body with love.  My body 's receptors are so open and alive that it feels pleasure and comfort on every square centimeter as it touches down.  Bliss.

Maybe the last thing today

Maybe.  I'm not making any promises.

My mood is swinging and dipping (I can now add sadness to the irritation of earlier) despite the fact that I have been GFCF for 10 days now and, more importantly, have been practicing (though just a bit) for 3 days.  I know those are small numbers.  It will be interesting to note what happens next month when the numbers are higher.

I've been thinking that I might have a slight case of ADD.  

The following items are from The Adult ADHD Self-Reporting Scale put out by Harvard Medical School professors.  I definitely don't have the "H" in ADHD.  Seven of the eighteen questions popped out at me for their familiarity, some to great degree, some to lesser.

• Do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?

• When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, how often do you avoid or delay getting started?

• Do you have difficulty keeping your attention when you are doing boring or repetitive work?

• Do you have difficulty concentrating on what people say to you, even when they are speaking to you directly? 

• Are you distracted by activity or noise around you? 

• Do you have difficulty waiting your turn in situations when turn taking is required?

• Do you interrupt others when they are busy?

Interesting.

One more thing

I found myself getting really irritated with the kids this morning with their usual trying-to-talk-to-me-while-I'm-on-the-phone.  It baffles me how they are still, at ages 8 and 9, so oblivious to this line (of mine) drawn in the sand.  When I am calm enough to see the situation objectively, I suppose the truth may be that this line is invisible to them.  It certainly has no meaning.  Perhaps we are speaking different languages when it comes to seeing eye-to-eye on this matter.

What I do know is that sometimes I take it personally and sometimes I don't.  Life all around is much better when I don't.  Simple fact.

This morning, I was taking it personally.  I didn't feel good, I'm sure they didn't feel good to see and experience my reaction.  (Which must seem unpredictable to them because sometimes I deal with it calmly and sometimes I am clearly frustrated.  Unpredictability in a parent sucks.)

I was wondering if my night time hunger the last two nights may be related to reproductive type hormones.  Now, with my mood swinging towards volatile, I wonder with more conviction if my hormones are shifting.

As luck would have it, Donna came by with Daniel to take the kids to their house to play.  Daniel has been sick and is finally better.  He was home from school and they swung by after a morning of running errands.

Perfect timing because no one should have to be around me when my mood is this wobbly.

And then

...I hear two voices.  Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in call and response, sometimes in a jumbled mass.

(They do not always wake at the same time.  But, this morning they did.)

And I go to them.  There's no stopping me, there's no where else I'd rather be.  I sometimes don't recognize my voice when I call out to them "good morning".  I rediscover myself every time I see them again after sleep.

I go from tired and dulled to uplifted and energized in that instant.

Sometimes it's just a kiss and a squeeze.  Sometimes there's snuggling.  Sometimes there's a conversation of some sort.

I am really fucking lucky.

Insight

Here's another little nugget.  Obvious yes, but want to note the observation.

The past two nights I've stayed up later than I have been.  Last night I really should have gone bed.  I felt very sleepy by 11:00 or so.  But, didn't go to bed till 12:30.  What's more, both nights, I ate something past 10pm because I was hungry.

Two nights ago it was a small bowl (the smallest of bowls, really) of chicken salad leftover from dinner.  Last night it was a small bowl of tortilla strips.  Twice.

Both morning-afters I woke feeling my stomach.  It didn't hurt, but it didn't feel good.  Once up, I could see my face was bloated and could feel the bloat all over.  And my face looked as tired as I felt.

The picture I took of myself yesterday morning?  Case in point.

I've been sleeping fine, doing the pose before lying down the past two nights has helped me fall asleep pretty promptly.  And I have been waking up pretty consistently in the vicinity of 7:30 I've been noticing.

I have been doing the standing pose every day since Tuesday.  That, no doubt, helps things move along.  But, the burden would be lessened if I went to bed earlier and skipped the late night snack.

Waking up bright and refreshed?  A worthy goal.