Night time

Tonight: broke out the essential oil infuser because Gem was stuffy.  Lemongrass.  Poor thing threw up for a couple of hours.  I am pretty certain it was from post nasal drip irritation and not a GI bug.  He hadn't eaten anything since breakfast (he felt crappy all day) so it was the tiniest amounts of liquid brought up by powerful heaves.

Sag had fun with Cap co-creating a comic book.  Then proceeded to have a very tough time falling asleep.  This afternoon he had an intense session with Vinny to work out the kinks of his gymnastics injury.  (Did I mention he hurt his neck?)  I explained to Sag that sometimes after intense bodywork with Vinny I feel kind of uneasy as the "stuff" that was loosened up works itself through my system before it departs.

Cap and I were going to watch Avengers tonight...both kids are finally asleep, but it may be too late to start.

Peace.

Odds and ends

Science/nature appreciation outside our window.  This spider has been hanging about for a couple of weeks.  A stinkbug got caught in its web.  A feast was had.

We've had our first chilly days/nights.  Seasonal change I love.  I broke out the woolies.  Socks Wendy knit for me and a tank that was knit as a sample that I picked up during Stix n Stitches' closing sale.  Love wearing handknits.  Love.

I am hoping this is going to "stick", but in all honesty, I don't know if it will.  I really wanted the kids to pick an instrument through which they could study music and Sag immediately said he wanted to sing.  Well, the voice is an instrument, right?  Gem agreed to it, so we have had our first session.  They each picked a song, I plunked through the melodies on the piano and we sang.  It was...lovely in theory :-)

Off to Vinny's.

Peace.

Recent eats

Almost a week ago I made the final shift to grain-free, sugar-free and dairy-free.  Ostensibly, I wanted to clean up my system before I eat my way through the Bay area (I depart in a week!)  I desired as blank a canvas as I could achieve before indulging in a series of wonderful aromas, flavors and textures.  Clearing the palette, so to speak.

As per usual, flushing sugar, grains and dairy from my system has brought about opportunities for new awareness.  This time, I have been fascinated by the cravings of PMS.  Since yesterday, my body has been wracked with waves of craving.  But, because my sugar/grain/dairy/seed oil receptors have essentially been neutralized by just a week of non-use, I am not craving anything in particular (ie. ice cream, potato chips, onion rings, pizza, grilled cheese, chocolate, etc.)

It is wild.  Being with craving while not actually craving something specific.  It is a lesson for me to realize that there is no satisfying this craving.  Well, except the passage of time.  Nothing instant.

Really opens my eyes about the relationship of what exactly is it that we are satisfying when we experience instant gratification.  There are layers of craving, certainly multiple ones that are chemical (food related, as well as, hormones), as well as, those that are emotional and mental/psychological.

Personally, I see and experience more and more that my challenges stem from the chemical stuff.  I have come of age at a time when, for a lot of women's issues, the emphasis of diagnosis and treatment has been placed on the emotional and the use of band-aids in pill form.  Talking therapy, which helps a lot of people, never resonated with me.  (I get a lot out of talking to people I know and trust, but that's different somehow.)  I wonder if that is because, somehow, my body knew it wasn't what I thought and felt that could use tweaking, it was something else.

Anyway, I have dropped Kerrygold as my cooking fat of choice.  I have started using the olive oil I picked up at Fairway and it is fantastic.  The food in Barcelona was out-of-this-world.  I am certain that a multitude of factors went into that.  However, I confess, it never occured to me that an ingredient as "common" as olive oil, may have been a significant factor.

This oil, made with olives grown in Catalan, is...scrumptious.  It is light, mesmerizing, flavorful and sweet.  It elevates a plate of veggies, eggs and an herb to "heavenly".

I braised some short ribs and kept it Paleo by using coconut aminos and coconut nectar that were in the pantry.  The kids tasted no difference and the dish was a hit.  The beef came from the farm.  Yum.  My plate remained Paleo with the addition of sauerkraut as my side instead of rice.

Last night, I knew I needed something snack-y to tide me through thoughts of ice cream (even though I wasn't actually craving it, we had some in the freezer and I didn't want to trip up).  So before I settled down in front of the telly (Last Resort and Project Runway), I toasted some pecans and pistachios in a little bit of coconut oil and seasoned them with red sea salt, cumin and smoked paprika.

Coffee has become my friend.  I drink tea, too, but coffee is what really powers me through.  I have noticed that my favorite teas have tasted differently.  Probably due more to the womanly cycle hormones rather than the reverting to Paleo ones...but who knows.  A little lonely without the familiar comfort of Raspberry Earl and Irish Breakfast...but coffee to the rescue.

So many low pressure systems the past few weeks.  Look at how the shot of the coffee machine is so drained of color, naturally!  That was taken this morning around 9:30.  I kept thinking I'd turned the machine on and would go to pour myself a cup...and see that there was no coffee ready yet.  Third time was the charm.

Peace and love.

Taking a new turn

I feel I am neglecting the blog.  And I miss the opportunity to reflect.  But it was busy again today.

Sag started a gymnastics class.  It was a watershed moment.  

He has been interested in gymnastics for a few months.  (The original spark was watching his cousin in her gymnastics class one day when he accompanied his aunt to pick her up.  The Olympics and YouTube have provided continued inspiration.)

This class brought together a confluence of positive factors.  He has a longtime friend in the class.  There is another boy.  The teachers are both men.  (I think he was fully expecting to be the only male for miles around...I think I was, too.)  Being a homeschool class, the class happened in the early afternoon and the gym was a peaceful oasis.  The two teachers split the six kids into two groups of three.  (That is a kickass teacher:student ratio!)  The cost of the class is very affordable.  The owner of the gym/school is a former Olympian.  The gym was clean and comfortable and very well-stocked.  There is a waiting area adjacent to the gym floor with big plate glass windows.

The reason the just about perfect set up was so important: as stoked as Sag was for this experience, he had no idea how hard some of it was going to be.  Really frakking hard.  He had to face feeling incapable and inept...within himself, in front of a friend and in front of a teacher.  This is something that is typically very challenging for him.

And yet...I watched him try so hard...and when he still couldn't do it, try some more.  (Rope Climbing)  I watched him try to figure something out...and not quite get it...and then try again...and then not quite get it...receiving an instruction from the teacher to make an adjustment...and then doing perceptibly better.  (Trampoline)  I watched him throw himself up into a handstand...and then crumple onto himself hurting his neck.  Then I watched him recover under the calm voice and watchful gaze of his teacher.  (Floor)

He did so much more.  He said the hour felt like forever (in a good way).  He said he didn't love it, but definitely liked it.  He liked his teacher.

I am so happy for Sag that he had this opportunity to follow a passion, transform himself through struggle and experience and learn new things.  Watching him, I remembered that it was around the age he is now that I began to struggle during gym class.  I started hating my body for not being able to do what I saw others do.  For being heavy when I saw others being light.

(I totally remember not being able to climb the rope during the President's Challenge during the upper grades of elementary school.  But, everyone got a patch!)

Sag may never be able to climb the rope either.  (I never did and I turned out no worse for the lack of wear, I think.)  But, he has something I never did.  The chance to work with a gymnastics teacher who knows what he's doing and has a way about him.  The chance to work with this teacher closely, in an environment that inspires and challenges and feels safe.  He is going to get to practice persistence.  He may not get to the top of that rope, but I have a feeling he's going to go higher than he did today.  (He could not get up above that first knot...the one a few inches off the ground.)  And when he does, he is going to know what it's like to feel that special surge of electricity go through your body when you know you've really accomplished something.

We're not settled into a daily or even a weekly rhythm yet.  But, I am realizing that we are writing the next verses to our homeschooling song.  The kids are growing into their own learning experiences in new ways.  Accepting fresh challenges, growing their passions and curiosity further outward.  The extension of progress and process is making sense to them in a way that it hasn't up till now.  They are readier to put into practice outside of themselves, the motivations and machinations that have driven them in their more private paces and efforts to learn.

This is something.  Amongst the chaos, I am starting to find meaning.

Peace.

An opposite of graceful post

The busy-ness continues.

• Energy Gates.

• park/playground with the kids.  so many dogs.  one (active) wasp nest.  no ducks today.

• visit with Leo and Danielle included an intro to the world of faucets.

• strep test for Sag who woke up with sore throat: negative.

• braised beef short ribs.  served them up for dinner.

• more new books for Cap and the kids and tons added to my Goodreads "to read" list.

• had Cap pick up CSA with bonus local honey.

• took kids to first video game making class (they loved it).

• had a cup of tea and Instagrammed at Terra wile the kids were in class.  alone time.

• dinner planning for my Oakland-SF trip is pretty complete.  Foreign Cinema, Boca Nova, Haven and Incanto.  yes, my foodie side will be fed this holiday.

• had some thoughts.

• felt some things.

• enjoyed my earrings...one of the first pair I bought after getting my ears pierced in college.

Off to tuck the lads in.

Peace and love.

10pm already

It has been a heck of a busy day.  Lots of Emmy dresses to gawk at.  Well, that and a slew of other things.

Sag and I started our day with a post-Qigong park stroll and playground romp.  I took a bunch of pics but haven't processed them yet.

It was a good day.  Tomorrow promises more...goodness and busy-ness.  Tonight I nurse a possible cold...or yet another kink being worked out of my system (like the thumb "injury" that was intense but passed in 24 hours this weekend).

Peace and love.

Bountiful beauty brooklyn style

What an amazing day.

The company:

Cara, Stephen, Cap and I were all freshman hallmates in 1984.  A group of about a dozen of us remain close friends of ours, to this day.  There is something so wonderfully easy about hanging out with old friends.  Even the kids (our three families happen to consist of two boys each, very symmetrical), who don't see each other but once every year or two, have a level of comfort with each other that is more akin to family than friends.

The event:

Our plans to gather happened to coincide with the Brooklyn Book Fest.  Which happens to be the baby of a fellow university friend, Johnny Temple.  The book love was abundant and palpable.  Cap got to see a comic writer/illustrator he admires greatly on a panel called "Building Worlds Over Time".  I was thrilled to pick up some literary treats (despite not really getting much browsing time due to being chief kid wrangler).

A literary magazine, two novels, and a collection of poetry for $40.  That is some serious festival love.

The architecture:

When in a city, I am often looking up.  There is something I love about how buildings meet sky.  I also love discovering the details of a structure, both functional and decorative.  Growing up in NYC provided me with lots of opportunity...and no doubt inspired me at a tender age.  We drove through lower Manhattan today, over the Brooklyn Bridge and into Brooklyn Heights.  The festival was at Borough Hall.  There was much oohing and aahing.

The weather:

A truly picture perfect northeastern US Fall day.  Bright, hot sun, a brisk undercurrent to the breeze, wonderfully dry.  Colors popped, the best of summer lingered, it felt so good to be alive.

The pics:

Peace and love.

Push

Slept about seven hours and was woken up by Sag apologetically asking me a question that could not wait (for him).  I felt like I could have slept some more, but awake was awake.  My body ached and felt leaden.

The light was bright out the windows and the air felt dry (yesterday was muggy, sheets of heavy cold rain washed it all away during the night).  I pushed myself forward.  Turned the laptop on and pushed past the urge to check my email.

Repeated my practice of yesterday.

Notes:

• feeling a lot of energy/stagnation resolutions (current quick-n-hot spots) at my bottom and top.  evacuations out the bottom have been purposeful and efficient.  I'm guessing most of us are constipated to some degree and don't even know it.  my head...this one is going to take some time.  but, I wish I could drill a tiny hole at the top of my skull to let out the energy faster.  there's more pressure there than I'd like.  when I practice, especially Dragon's Way #10, my head starts pulsing a song of swelling.  (stroke runs in my genes...hope practicing can assuage this malady somewhat.)

• every time I have gone grain-free and sugar-free I have felt ache-y.  and irritable.  today is no different.  practicing definitely helped take the edge off.  we will be spending the afternoon in Brooklyn, outdoors, at the Brooklyn Book Festival.  part of me feels it might risk the feelings/better opinions of whoever I am around, but a larger part feels this will be a good way to stay out of my head: reap the benefits of sunshine, friends and the letters.

• my thumb is much better this morning.  surprisingly so.  it really hurt last night.  I have wondered if it was my body's way of forcing the issue of my unbalanced laptop use.  I use my right thumb to manipulate the trackpad.  this morning, after a night of rest and practicing, I can feel there is tightness running up my right arm...could be from favoring my thumb to the disfavor of other muscles...also could be another part of the message.

• after our hike yesterday, I felt tired/sleepy.  the air had been, and still was, very heavy.  since it was Cap's night to make dinner, I decided to practice the Dragon's Way movements (#1-#8).  felt better afterward, perked up, and had a good rest of the evening (except for the thumb injury).

• DW #7: felt a nub of stagnation/pain so "I am here, you cannot ignore me" on the inside of my left foot...it was shocking.  I never feel much of anything doing this one, and when I do, it feels good.  interesting.

Okay.  Kid waiting to use my laptop.  Gotta fly.

Peace.

Equinox hike

I seem to have sprained my thumb and it hurts to use the laptop, so here are some pics of our traditional walk around the pond...without words.

Here we are on our first hike (Summer Solstice 2007).  Here we are on our second hike (Summer Solstice 2008).   Here the third (Vernal Equinox 2008).  The fourth (Spring Equinox 2009).  The fifth (Summer Solstice 2009).  You get the picture :-)

Verily enjoy the vernal equinox today

I slept abut six hours, mostly with Sag who had a really hard time getting to sleep last night.

After getting out of bed it took some will power and self-talk to not check my email (that is a slippery slope leading to my Reader, Facebook and Twitter).  I unfolded and smoothed out my Four Energy Gates xerox and turned the laptop on.  (Check that link out for videos!)  Yo-Yo Ma's Bach Cello Suites were my background music this morning.

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #1

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #2

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #3

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #4

≈ 6 minutes of Dragon's Way #10

≈ 5 minutes of squatting

Look at how bright I was by the time I was squatting!

After I was done with my Qigong practice, the kids and I got dressed and went to the park.  (They had been reading comics in the room while I practiced.)  We drove with their scooters.  I was surprised to see so many folks at the park at 9:30 on a Saturday morning.  (Clearly, I could stand to get out more.)  We ran into Max, Eli and Lucy and got to catch a glimpse of Giles (our old car).

The kids scooted and played on the playground while I walked a couple of loops on the park paths.  I enjoyed watching the ducks and geese and hearing the splash of the fountain in the pond through the tunes on my iPod.  I forgot my phone so didn't have a watch or camera...which was completely okay.  I used my brain to process what I was seeing and to gauge time.  My Vibrams kept my feet and ramble feeling very fine.

Back in the car, I realized we didn't have enough time to go to the farmer's market if Sag was to eat breakfast and get to his swimming class on time.  I dropped them off and went to the market solo.  I enjoyed the bustle of the market in the cooler autumn air.  In addition to the usual meat and eggs, the patriarch of Vacchiano's Farm sold me on beef short ribs.  I also picked up low-spray apple cider, a quart of new pickles and three bunches of fading chives.

By the time I got home, Cap decided to take Sag to class because I hadn't eaten yet.  When you're eating Paleo, breakfast can't be resolved with a quick bagel or doughnut pitstop.  So, grateful, I settled into preparing myself a pastured egg scramble with chives and bell pepper from the farm sautéed in olive oil made from Catalonian olives (a Fairway splurge that was so worth it!)

Aprés breakfast I enjoyed a steaming mug of black peach tea with wildflower honey.  Very satisfying.

A happy vernal equinox to you.  Sending wishes that you are finding deep balance on this most balanced of days.

Peace.

Equinox eve

This image is called Autumn Vibration.  Happy Autumnal Equinox.

I have popped a couple of sleep aid herbs.  Again.  It's been happening more and more often.  I felt a little bit like an addict when I asked Vinny if I could have another bottle of them this week.  They are not addictive in and of themselves...but I feel like I am not taking full responsibility for my actions knowing I can fall back on taking them on nights I feel I can't fall right asleep.

Or I could be rationalizing.

I feel a bit manic tonight.  But, I have had caffeine and sugar this evening.  It could be externally chemical.  I have felt out of control in various ways the last few weeks.  Something clicked for me today.  I did many things which should have made me feel happy.  But, they didn't.

A walk in the woods, shopping at Fairway (a foodie heaven) for the first time, watching two movies, spending the day with the whole family, lamb samosas, triple caramel chunk ice cream...  I was out of sync.  I appreciated all these things...but the appreciation barely nicked the surface of my feelings.

Which brings me to another thought: it's strange how functional I can appear when I am experiencing such disconnect.  To most, not to everyone.  The kids know something is up.  Their well being has been disintegrating this week and today they were both quite fragile.

Is this the rationalizing?

It doesn't matter.  And I don't mean to alarm anyone.  I have enough mental clarity and, hopefully, the wherewithal, to put some strategies into play.  I've asked Cap to help, though, his self-preservation instincts may kick in involuntarily.  I have been beastly to him this week.

Last week I went to bed earlier.  That helped me wake up earlier...but it didn't make me practice Qigong or get out to walk.

On deck:

• practice Qigong every day: 4 energy gates, Dragon's Way movements and squatting.

• no sugar, no grains, no dairy, no legumes, no vegetable oils (except olive oil).

• go outside/take a walk every day.  even if it's just around the block.

My energy, and hence my productivity, vitality and joy, are all down.  I don't know what happened, but, again, it doesn't matter.  I know there are things I can do, all for free, all at my fingertips, which will help.

Sleep will follow.  Mindful activity will follow.  I've been floundering.  It's time to walk a different path.

Peace.

P.S.  I'm thinking this will mean less time on the laptop.  Hopefully I won't stray too far or long from the blog.

Bright meadow

I don't often see meadows.  When I do, I am drawn to them.  We came upon this meadow during our walk in the woods today.  And I remembered, as I sighed into it, that my name means "from the bright/white meadow". 

I felt connected...as I always do when I am out in nature.