Stuff

I have slept better for three nights in a row (between 5-8 hours/night).  My body is more leaden today than yesterday and the day before.  My head feels like it's made of papier-mâché.  Not even going to try to understand it.

When in doubt, pretty pictures:

I love our Hario coffee grinder.  It's a perfect little gadget.  The confluence of sensory experience it invites is heavenly: a little muscle, the scent released by fresh ground beans, the shiny dark orbs disappearing out of sight...
 

The Wii U has been very entertaining.  Cool technology.

An example of what happens when the kids and I sleep together.  Three bodies squished together at one end of a vast king-size bed.  That cream colored pillow is mine.  I took this shot after getting out of bed unable to fall asleep one night...from under Sag's leg.

Sis and bro-in-law came over for the start of Gem's birthday season.  I love a special occasion which calls for the making of homemade ranch dip.

Nephew dog Finn is gorgeous inside and out.

Kousa Dogwood.

Late spring canopy.  So grateful the heat wave has been followed by sunny and dry and wonderfully seasonal temps.

Pippa's ruby slippers.

Handmade pappardelle pasta with an organic mushroom medley, micro greens, caramelized onion, black Hawaiian sea salt and quail egg.  At Le Salbuen Cafe.  Yum.

Brioche bread pudding which instantly became my favorite local bite.  Inspired by my Vinny session, I followed my desire to grab some time with my honey and invited him out to a rare weeknight dinner out.  Our intention was to go to the Red Eye (easier on the wallet) but they were closed due to an electrical issue so we wandered across the street to Le Salbuen Cafe.  Yum, yum, yum.

Local architecture.

Evening swinging.

Play ball.

A morning after a night we slept apart.

Gem's breakfast yesterday.  A duo of potatoes.

My loot from Cap's trip to Chicago.  He went to Quimby's and loved it.  In another life we likely could have been very happy living in Chicago.

I baked another pound cake.  Gluten-free and butter-ific.  The littlest common meal-er remarked upon tucking into it: "no, it's not good...it's excellent!"

Our driveway has been ripped up, old pipe being replaced after sewage backed up into the basement one too many times (because ONCE WAS NOT ENOUGH).  Despite its issues, we remain fond of this apartment and are crossing our fingers that we will have another year here.

I love colored glass.  I love old glass.  Kelly was giving away a bunch of old Mason jars and I snagged this beauty.  (Thanks, friend!)

A Facebook friend from high school said these are anniversary jars and pricey.  They are beautiful, either way.

Peace and love.

What's going on

 shot at dawn sometime last week.

Mucho sleeplessness.  Way too mucho.  Going on ten days or so now, nearly half my nights have seen less than an hour of sleep.

This is not good.

Part hormonal insomnia, part getting out of bed multiple times a night to sit in the kids' room, part circadian rhythm shifting.

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A few days ago a local teenager climbed an embankment not far from our place and stood in front of an oncoming train and died.  I have been haunted by this...due in some part to my sleep deprived state.

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Sleep deprivation is not good for hair plucking.  My system is a bath of peri/menopausal hormones, my brain chemistry is far from shooting on all cylinders...I'm in a state of restless stasis.  Pluck, pluck, pluck.

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My corrected corrective lenses are perched on my nose.  Much better.  I am feeling inclined to read again.

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Eleven weeks since my last period, another one came.  It's been qualitatively different.  Not normal is the new normal.

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The kids are growing a ton.  Gem is changing inside and outside.  I swear he goes to bed and wakes up and is another inch taller.  He is morphing into a teen.  The countdown to his birthday has begun.

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We're in the midst of a heatwave, but I have been so out of it I've barely noticed.  Of course, I am using the air conditioners assiduously.  And drinking lots of iced coffee and tea.

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I have been enjoying the game Candy Crush Saga.  It's my first social media tie-in game.  I've been playing it a lot.  On a related gaming note, Gem bought a Wii U.  It all happened quickly and was quite shocking because he has historically been a non-saver/-big spender.  But, he had amassed quite the bundle of coin since his last birthday and so we chipped in just a little bit and the kids have been enjoying the new Wii system thoroughly.

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I am entering a non-productive cycle of the vicious kind.  The sleep deprivation is affecting my capacity for stress management.  I am starting to feel bad about things that I can't control...or can't control easily or readily.  I am getting the bare minimum done on any given day...some days with more impromptu and nice flourishes than others.  But there is no rhythm.  Things feel haphazard and chaotic.  I have been okay with that for months, but now, not so much.

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Cap decided he wanted to replace our long suffering kitchen trash can before his impending trip to Japan.  We did our due diligence and checked out the selection at Bed Bath and Beyond...but we were not impressed.  The cans that had the features we were looking for were crazy expensive.  I found a great seeming can online at a restaurant supply store made by Rubbermaid in the USA.  Not cheap, but not as costly as the highest end stuff in BB and B.  Waiting for its arrival.

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Yep.  Feeling unmoored.  And grumpy.  Called our first, brief, official family meeting a few days ago and proposed a month of seriously increased structure.  I have been feeling quite a bit of tension holding the various strands of "home" together.  Anything that can help increase harmony by paring away missed and/or mixed expectations sounds good to me right now.  The kids were wary of committing to a month so we decided to assess how things were going after two weeks.

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The sky is lightening.  It is 5:30.  I cannot believe I've had another night with not a wink of sleep.  I am going to play a round or two of Candy Crush and then head into the kitchen.  My sister and brother-in-law are coming over for dinner and I am braising short ribs.  Yum.

Peace and love.

NASA rocks

Cicadas

Grateful today for this video about the 17-year cicadas.  We haven't seen any around here, though I've heard there are hot spots in town.

Difficult night sleep-wise.  This too shall pass, this too shall pass...



Return of the Cicadas from motionkicker on Vimeo.

Nashville

Mrs. Coach's* daughters on the show Nashville are sisters in real life!  I had no idea.  I loved their performance of this Lumineers cover.


*Mrs. Coach (nickname) = Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights) = Connie Britton (the actress) = Rayna James (Nashville)

P.S.  I am re-entering normalcy bit-by-bit.  Last week's drama was severe sleep deprivation.  Things are looking up.  Hoping to get back to more regular blogging anon!

P.P.S.  Peace and love by the bucketful.

Scandal

What on earth...I have no idea how this show never made it on my list of tv fare to check out.  What.  A.  Rush.  The first season is streaming on Netflix and the second season is on Hulu Plus (totally worth the $7.99).

For my friends who cannot do violence, there is some of that...this is a network program, but there were scenes here and there that pushed the intensity envelope.  (Think Black Ops assassins torturing each other/others.)

The cast is excellent...my favorite character was Huck.

Go watch it if you haven't!

Peace.

Mrs. Bourdain

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece this morning and am now semi-obsessed with trying tinned beef.

Music = life

Zach's songs are available on iTunes.

Glasses gone wrong

Here I am.  Sleepless.  My consolation is that I am not stressed about not sleeping.  I wish I had slept, but it was not in the cards.  Once I realized it was starting to get light out about twenty minutes ago, I knew there was no use staying in bed.  The only times I can sleep in natural light are when I am very sick or just a bit pregnant.

I realized, also, that with Gem asleep, I would have my laptop uninterrupted.  He has been using it more and more, it feels like.  So I got up.

I recently learned that the lenses in my new glasses, which I'd been wearing for over a month, were incorrectly made.  Not enough as to be glaringly obvious...which is why I spent weeks and then some more weeks wondering why my upper back and neck were SO tight without concomitant stressors and why I was starting to experience headaches (unusual for me)...and why I was finding that I could not read things close up and generally feeling eye strain/fatigue (particularly when reading on my phone screen...which I have doing much more of because my laptop has been occupied by another).

Because the onset of my body's messages of protest was gradual, it took me awhile to figure out the problem might be my eyes (it did not occur to me that it might be the glasses...luckily, I brought my old pair with me in the event that, crazily, my prescription had changed in the month-plus since my last eye exam and I would need to temporarily part with the new glasses).

I mention this because I had noticed, and been feeling bad about, the persistent lack of pleasure reading/writing in my life the past few months.  I do believe this is one of the reasons, perhaps the main reason, my blogging has come to nearly a standstill.  It is a relief to have the smoke clear...metaphorically...my revamped spectacles are due back to me sometime this week.  Time will tell whether and how much my newly-able-to-focus eyes will guide me back to reading and writing.

This integrates a whole new awareness and understanding of learning issues/disabilities into me, physically and mentally.  It took a long time for me, an adult who once made her living working with kids with learning issues, to put two and two together.  I can't imagine a kid, or an adult who has never known themselves to be otherwise when it comes to reading and writing, would be able to easily articulate the connection between the complex physical realities and manifestations of deficit (eyes/brain/body) with what may not even feel like unmet potential...

And pretty much on cue, my eyes are straining...my shoulders are tight, and I am going to sign off.  My dreams of luxurious uninterrupted writing time, dashed.  The light outside just seemed to intensify...as if to make it clear there will be no sleep for me tonight.  It being nearly six a.m. and all.

Peace and love.  (Speaking of love, I LOVED Call The Midwife!)

Last week

I guess I am in a non-blogging phase.  Which, for the record, I do not like.

The weekend was very split-personality.  Which, for the record, I do not like.

I seem to be having some period action after 8 weeks of menstrual radio silence.  Which, for the record, I do not like.

Whether I like it or not, life happens and time marches on.

So...

The kids are good.  Gem is on the cusp of becoming a teenager and he is transforming before our eyes.  Sag is experiencing springtime allergies for the first time and it has hit him like a truck.  OTC medication helped for 24 hours but were disrupting his sleep.  We switched him to homeopathic stuff which brought/are bringing symptoms to a level where coping is possible.  

(Interesting aside...for many years, Sag had "terrible (fill in age)-and-a-halfs" (as opposed to the "terrible twos")...we never understood the whys of it but came to expect the few weeks/couple of months during which he raged and roared and just seemed so uncomfortable in his skin.  We chalked it up to developmental growing pains...the unrest that can often precede a firm step forward in growing/growing up.  Then, as suddenly as they came on, these rough patches stopped, about four years ago.  The arrival of this Spring's allergies has highlighted the reality that Sag has been in a somewhat prolonged highly sensitive mode for about a month now.  The timing of it makes me wonder if there is...and was, a seasonal component to his difficulties around the time of his half-birthday.)

Last week we had time with their youngest cousin and with my Dad.  I don't think about it much, but it is really nice for them to be able to have this kind of (almost impromptu) time with extended family...something I did not grow up with myself.

(Barbra that is your travel pillow, by the way, on Gem's head.  I have it "out" to remind myself to mail it back to you!)

Switching back to mostly Paleo (not sweating it if I am eating out or PMSing bad...though even then I flexed just enough to allow occasional rice/corn/dairy...no gluten/sugar) has been pretty delicious.  I so appreciate color in life and forget how well having vegetables and fruit around can enhance one's colorscape.  Coffee has been fine without cream, my appetite has gone down a lot (though my ability to figure out serving size has not, concurrently...that shot of food in a pan is what was left after I took what I wanted and my intention was to cook up one serving!) and I have discovered a super simple way to prepare chicken that I love.

The chicken thing was enlightening because I have long been someone who could take or leave chicken.  It is great timing to have tasty chicken in the repertoire because I am wanting to eat less, generally, and specifically, less meat.  I suspect the cut and quality of the chicken are what makes this "recipe" a stand out.  I am getting boneless, skinless thighs from my meat guy at the Farmer's Market.  Cap has been using the chicken breast from Anthony for months now and I have been aware of the wonderful quality, but never ate much of it because...I thought I didn't really like chicken.  (This is the same farmer from whom we buy our gorgeous eggs.)  Well, despite being a dark meat girl, I never explored the world of dark meat chicken because Cap doesn't like it and the kids are not fans of eating chicken off the bone.  Deciding to follow the "getting started" recipes in Well Fed last week, kind of blindly, I asked for the boneless, skinless chicken thighs at Anthony's stall, not knowing they were a thing, and was pleasantly surprised to have two packages thunked down in front of me.

The "recipe" wasn't much of a recipe at all for anyone who cooks chicken with any regularity/intuition (not me).  It called for grilling the chicken, but had instructions on how to bake it instead, which was perfect for me.  (We have access to an outdoor grill, but living on the second floor, we don't really use it.)  The chicken is seasoned with salt, pepper and granulated garlic, placed in a baking dish and then baked at 400º for 30 minutes.

That's it.

It looks like the pic above (not very attractive, if you ask me) and tastes like gangbusters.  I cooked up 3 lbs. last week and went down to 2 lbs. this week.  (The kids liked it, but didn't ask for it again.)  It's a perfect little protein with veggies or on its own.

I did have way too much food prepped last week.  My brain must be foggier than I think because I thought I slashed items off this week's grocery list, but ended up spending more/buying just as much, it felt like.  Some patience will be needed as the process gets streamlined and sorted out.

Some seasonal stuff that happened last week: the annual film festival in town where Cap and I saw Free Angela and All Political Prisoners (directed by an alum of my high school...followed by dinner out while the kids were happily ensconced with friends) and herbs picked up at one of the annual plant sales in town.

The final pic is just something that caught my eye.  One of our drying racks broke which prompted this:

Peace and love.  (And less Ruzzle...though it comforts me when I am PMSing...and don't have ice cream or potato chips.)

Monday, monday

The leaf has turned.  To the Paleo side.  Lunch was roasted rutabaga and sweet potato, haricot vert and baked chicken (in lieu of grilling outdoors).  I followed Well Fed's recipe for grilled chicken and it was delicious.  The kids liked it, too.  I cooked the chicken while working with the kids this morning.  Easy.

The fridge is packed with pre-cooked/prepped meal components:

• steam-sautéed red cabbage

• steam-sautéed Brussels sprouts

• steam-sautéed bell peppers (green, red, orange, yellow...I love my colors)

• roasted plum tomatoes

• roasted sweet potato and rutabaga

• steamed haricot vert

• sunshine sauce

• browned ground beef/lamb

• grilled turkey sausage

• baked chicken thighs

I also have a tub of baby spinach and plenty of eggs.  Cap is swinging by Trader Joe's tonight and will pick up basil (for a pesto sauce for which I will also need some homemade mayo) and some veg for raw consumption (Persian cukes, grape toms and snap peas).

I think this is going to be too much food.  There will be an easing in period of figuring out what (variety and balance) and how much (quantity and perishability).  One of the things I am curious to see is which meal components the kids will dis/like.  In the meantime, yum.

Had rare-for-me scary dreams last night involving scenes of personal danger.  Yuck.

Early morning quiet enabled an hour of listening to a This American Life podcast while practicing Qigong and squatting.  Very nice.

Peace and love.

 

Sliding into sunday

My eyes are drooping but I wanted to check in before tomorrow's scheduled media-free day.  Here are some pics...

In a fit of...self-care?...self-love?...pushing to get closer to finishing something I started?...inspiration?  I decided to move my personal work/inspirational books to the top shelf.

The fantasy is me curled up reading poetry...some day.

Sweet blooms are studding our hyperlocal landscape.

Went to a community swap today at an elementary school gym in town.  It was sobering to see folks who clearly needed the respite of picking up things they need without having to pay for them.  I felt a little guilty taking anything...but things were pretty picked over by the time I was poking around.  My very interesting find was this this old chopper thingy.  I was completely intrigued having never seen anything like it.

Shifting the old diet back to sugar- grain- and dairy-free on Monday.  Stocked up on animal protein at the farmer's market today and pre-cooked some veg.  Tomorrow I will roast some more veg (sweet potato and rutabaga) and if I have time, brown and grill some meat.  Oh, and hard boil a dozen eggs.

Peace and love.

Excellent exhale

I have been overtaken by another big push in the decluttery reorg...

I've culled the linens and have a bag of soft old cotton cloth to donate to a local animal shelter.  Those colorful plastic trays were purchased for homeschooling organization a few years ago.  They never quite hit the mark in that regard, but I was reluctant to pass them up because they were not cheap.  Thanks to the label maker, they have been relocated to the linen closet where they hold things of different category in a compact space.

I used to shop at Target a lot, but now only go about once a season.  I was stoked to find this lid organizer on my recent Target trip.  These lids have been the rattling bane of my kitchen existence for months since I shoved the glass lids in the cabinet with the metal ones (which also housed most of our pots and pans).

While we were at Ikea earlier in the week, I came across curtain wires and was intrigued.  Cap liked them, so we picked them up.  The curtain area of Ikea was overwhelming and complicated and we left the store with curtain wires and no curtains.

I found these curtains at Target and brought them home not really knowing what was what...other than that we could make these work with the curtain wires.  Cap and I have never bought and put up curtains in our twenty-plus years together.  Never.  He likes blue and I liked the springy-summery look of these.  They are 100% cotton.  They are machine washable.  They require no sewing.  Project Curtain Hanging will happen in the next few days.  Pics to follow.

I went off-list quite a bit at Target, but these "over-the-door" brushed metal hooks were on my list.  We've had one in the bathroom for years, but while making the final push in the kids' room, I realized we could throw a couple of these up in there to hold odds and ends like their bathrobes, the bow that Sag bought at the craft sale last week, and their backpacks.  I quickly extrapolated that I could also use one in this corner behind the door of the big bed room.

One of the challenges of living in not only a small space, but one that is unconventional in shape, is that we don't have a foyer or coat closet.  We use the closet in the big bed room as a coat closet, but it's in the room, not right by the apartment door.  So, early on, I asked Cap to put up this set of hooks closer to the apartment door to facilitate the kids independently and easily hanging their jackets.

But, then there were the bags.  We have a lot of bags.  I am kind of a bag freak.  I like bags.  So for years, these coat hooks were stressed with not only our fleeces and hoodies, but with bags upon bags.  Not pretty.  Or user-friendly.

I have no idea why it took me so long to figure out this space-expanding measure.  But, I don't care, I am going to spend my energy just loving it.  The corner now breathes.  It exudes peace.  Yay.

The Target shopping and linen closet work triangulated to reorganizing the medicine cabinet.  I wish I had taken a "before" shot, but, well, most of you can probably imagine what an overflowing medicine cabinet of expired/no longer used junk would look like.  While I was at it, I decluttered the cabinet under the sink, as well.  Ahhhhh.

When we put the new dresser in the kids' room, it freed up my very old childhood dresser which had been acting as overflow catcher of kids' clothes.  We have had this dresser...probably since my parents' moved out of the old homestead at the turn of the millenium.  It's kind of clunky and unattractive, but I have hung onto it kind of irrationally.  Today it found yet another new life, this time, as my bedside/crafting dresser.  Yay.

The little red dresser that could.  (Can you see it's missing an eye?)  In repose on my side of the bed.  Sigh.

My sweet little space is coming together.  Those are my cookbooks on the bottom shelf.  Eventually, I would like to dedicate the top shelf to spiritual/personal work books and "stuff".  Right now I have the materials for photography projects stuffed in there.

I'm glad I got to keep my dresser.  There had been some talk of Sag taking it and my getting the new dresser.  Originally I had hoped to pare down my clothes enough to buy a smaller dresser.  But, I wasn't up for the task of going total ascetic...and luckily, Ikea had affordable options in the bigger size.

This is the pile of stuff that still needs tending to...

...not bad considering what the pile looked like for a couple of weeks there.

There is a Japanese turn of phrase that comes to mind: kotsu kotsu to (little by little)...

Peace and love.

Dressers

As reorganizing the kids' room has proceeded, I realized it was time to get a second dresser in there.  The kids have shared a dresser since birth.  We bought their dresser right before Gem was born.  We chose it because we wanted it to double as a changing table.

The sturdy thing has moved with us from Cambridge to Plympton to Sacramento to here.  It is of the style we favored for a long time after Cap and I coupled up: unfinished wood.  The kids decided it would become Gem's.  Sag was willing to roll the dice for a new one.

The new dresser is of our new style: Ikea.  Gem has proclaimed (not with joy) that their room/our apartment is starting to look like an Ikea showroom.  This dresser is so roomy I am a bit regretful we didn't think to get one sooner.  No more jamming in clothes to recalcitrant drawers for them!

I think, finally, their room is "done".  I'm sure the need/desire to tweak things now and again will arise, but there is a satisfying sense of completion, for now.

I leave you with a photo shot today (yesterday by the time you read this...we are doing another media-free day tomorrow...today by the time you read this).  The kids and I went to the library and this was my view as we walked there from the parked car.  They, our town, the world, our universe...so beautiful.  I feel very lucky.

Peace and love.

Feast or famine

I try to be more in balance, but feast or famine is a vein that runs through me.  Rituals do not come naturally, I am more of a habits girl.  And being an Air sign, my habits can barely be called habits as they have nothing to stick to.

On Sunday we had a mostly media-free day.  No email, , no social media, no video gaming, no computer/online usage except for homework or research.  We did watch parts of the Red Sox game, the kids and I watched Amazing Race and then I watched Game of Thrones and Mad Men (which I was unsure of until just before I decided to watch both).

Sag loved it and asked when we could do it again (Wednesday).  Gem chafed under it and his misery grew with each passing hour.  I was amazed (and delighted) at how much the day seemed to lengthen and open up.  There was no feeling of pre-commitment to an electronic device/activity (Sag and I, in particular, seemed to be wired to relate this way to screen time).  There was no feeling of having lost time...or its sister feeling of regret at the hour of the day/realization that you haven't done what you wanted to do yet...despite having occupied oneself with what seemed entertaining and even necessary, at the time.  (The brain/nervous system can be tricky.)

I have been trying to (re)form (re)new habits:

• sleep.  sleeping better, more consistently.  dreaming.  but not waking/going to bed early enough to call it a habit yet.  not getting the natural positive reinforcement of waking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, either.

• Qigong.  it is so working-against-me to call Qigong the bane of my existence.  and overly dramatic.  but I continue to be challenged, vigorously, by my seeming incapacity to develop a habit here.  there is no spark.  when I have practiced, it has felt good, but not good.  interestingly, my occasional Y workouts (30 minutes of elliptical, I have not made it back to a Zumba class) had me believing I was happily healthy inside because I have been able to handle them without aches or pains during or after.  but as the weeks have passed, my body is getting stiffer and every time I practice Qigong I am faced with less, not more.  argh.  I am energetically resisting (re)gaining energetic health.

• tv.  I haven't gone as far as deleting them from the DVR, but I am dropping The Following and Revolution.  some shows have ended (Top of the Lake, House of Lies, Shameless, Spartacus, Southland...the latter two for good), I am picking up Rectify and The Bletchley Circle.  Project Runway ends this week.  Amazing Race ends this week or next.  there is some disentangling...I am feeling more tired at the end of the day, really feeling in and listening to my body, and zoning out in front of the tube less.

• expressing.  I have yet to do the emotional cleansing exercises Vinny keeps prescribing.  yet, I find myself expressing my emotions more organically, bit by bit.  sometimes, I can feel myself separating from myself right after.  still a protective kind of response in place.  pulling away to watch the scene.

• eating/food.  have not made it back to Paleo.  the effects of inflammation (which is tied into everything, but to me feels most connected to this realm) are ever presently evident.  yet, yet.  I am eating simpler, I am eating less.  but I am bloated and heavy.  and I am not willing to completely give up sugar.  my stomach/digestive system has been doing its own cleansing which appears to be of internal workings rather than due to foreign invaders.

And now, here, about an hour has passed.  I can hear one kid stirring, which usually means the other is not far behind.  I have a date to go to the Y and then to Target.  I would like to eat a bit beforehand.

But, one more thought.  (Well, two.  I did not address money/finances.  Another time.)  Spring shoots growth to front and center.  And as I grapple with my issues, I am reminded more forcefully than in any other season (seemingly, but don't trust me...us sensitive types we feel "most"/"-est" quite often and it blots out all else), everything changes.  And where for years and years, I resisted the absolute transience of all, I am grateful to be in a place of accepting it and being truly okay with it, much more often than not.

With that, I leave you with the Japanese sign of the season, the inimitable symbol of the delicate beauty and design of the temporary...

Peace and love.

Priming to unfurl

I am finding the season inspiring despite its tendency to throw down the gauntlet year after year.  (C'mon, I dare you to grow.)  Greens popping up in lovely varieties.  Seasonal delights like music to all of my senses.  Energy pulsing crescendo bursting at seams.

Islands of quiet provide respite...but the current keeps pulling me along.  I think this time of year is hardest for me in terms of being highly sensitive-ish.  The impulse of the natural world in Spring is undeniable and absolute...in supernatural overdrive.  Grow, strive, reach...(re)create, (re)birth, (re)new...there is no choice, there is no exit.  Resistance is not only futile, it is inviting Thanatos in for a cuppa.

I spent this morning with Kelly.  So, so long overdue.  We talked and talked and I was able to unpackage some of my feelings of the last weeks into a thought: Spring has made me her bitch this year (as she so often does)...but I have held steady.  I've been bending and bending and overall have been quiet and tired.  But, I have not broken.  I have definitely retreated, but I have not invited Thanatos in...(or have I)?

Concretely:

• I have been expressing my emotions more.  (Good for me, but hard for me and good and bad for those closest to me.)

• I have been facing my mortality, gaining some understanding of aging and more clearly seeing the rest of my life.  The last few weeks have been an opportunity to improve my health and my ego has been steadfast in doing what it does best: toot its own horn.  The id has been strong (fueled by the life energy of Spring?):  I want to do what I want to do.  Then ego chimes in: sure, be in the present, this moment is forever, live it!  For many, many years, super-ego would then rant and rave about laziness, slothfulness, shamefulness, gluttony, selfishness, etc.  But, the last few weeks, super-ego has been quite constructively critical.  It has been patiently and quietly saying: you can have more energy, you know what to do, you have the capacity...and it is time to understand that you are insisting on making withdrawals on your qi account when you are at a stage of life when making deposits is no-way-around-it crucial (using some Dragon's Way speak there).

• I have been feeding my urge for more plant-based meals.

• I have been sleeping a bit more, though not consistently well.  I still wake up tired more often than not...but subtly less so.

• I have not been going to the Y...the last time I worked out was Easter weekend.  I have been taking walks and practicing Qigong.

• I have been enjoying ice cream with splashes of PX sherry in the evenings.

• I have been reading anew.  (I do not know if I will ever knit again.)

• I have been experiencing a distinct boost of vitality in the boudoir.

• I have been happier despite the bouts of fatigue and retreat.

Peace and love.