Whole30 :: Day 2

Did better at breakfast today: that's my latest yummy vinaigrette in the jam jar and white peony tea with honey in the glass...plus hard boiled eggs wrapped in prosciutto, creamy cucumber salad and lovely lettuce.  And, I sat down to eat.

One of these Whole30s I may push through 30 days with no honey, but not this one.  My stomach/digestive system really protests the absence of sugar and honey.  I am being mindful of minimizing honey as much as makes sense.

The Whole30 book reminded me of magnesium's sleep-friendly properties so I served some up at dinner (the kids and I take a dose with breakfast daily).  We all fell asleep quite easily.  Time will tell whether this was a coincidence or not.

Funny, as I was making the pesto yesterday with our ginormous bunch of basil, a tiny voice inside suggested I save some of it to use for something else.  But, I didn't have anything else in mind and am focused on close to zero waste, so I blitzed it all (and gave some of the pesto to a friend, which made both of us happy).  So, of course, this very simple and yummy sounding recipe for lemon basil cookies came across my Reader this morning.  I may be buying some basil at the farmer's market this weekend.

Another post, with a recipe for duck fat roasted garlic sweet potatoes has me intrigued about duck fat.  Last week at the farmer's market, Kelly and I stopped by the Mangalitsa Pork vendor where we discovered they sell little jam jars of lard for $5 a pop.  I'm sure it's not going to be like duck fat, but it's a smaller and more affordable place to start.

I have started watching Orange Is The New Black, and it is solid.  A bit Oz, a bit Weeds (created by the same person), quite addictive.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 1

I woke in a mood, felt better after playing in the kitchen, then shot back into a mood trying to figure something out with Cap on the phone (some day I would be interested in reading about communication amongst longterm couples...or...communication amongst women experiencing chemical/hormonal swings).

Doing a Whole30 is going to put me "in a mood" at least a few more times.  Please send Cap and the kids hugs.

The kids are fighting something.  They are both tired.  We have spent a lot of time indoors, which is largely my fault.  I am looking forward to this heat wave breaking so we can get out in the sun.

This one received a punishment for kicking his brother a couple of days ago.  When he can't Minecraft/YouTube, he draws.  (His brother received a punishment this morning for waking his mother up when it wasn't an emergency.  Dudes, when it comes to my sleep, it is on!)

Things are shifting with Gem entering adolescence.  There is conflict between these two in new ways.  Growing pains.  But, togetherness remains.  (Sag has taken to asking Gem to help him with his vision therapy exercises.)

Some of the yummies from our CSA share this week...pondering peach and apricot recipes that do not include sugar...the super bunch of basil became a boatload of pesto (shared with a friend, I am the only pesto lover in my family)...the lettuces, so tender and happy-making...look at that chard, how utterly gorgeous...the sweet onion and cucumbers and parsley were perfect for the creamy cucumber salad from Well Fed...

I skimmed the later chapters of It Starts With Food yesterday and am glad I did.  There were useful reminders of concrete aspects of the process (as opposed to the scientific applications/theories which I think they do a good job of summarizing in the earlier chapters), some of which have already come up on Day 1.

Eat three meals (no snacking for someone like me who is not active), think of the meals as Meal 1/Meal 2/Meal 3 to disengage from pre-conceived notions of breakfast/lunch/dinner, eat minimum servings of protein/vegetable/fats, and eat even if not feeling particularly hungry.

The above is today's lunch.  A palm-size serving of protein, the rest of the plate full of veg, with the avocado doing double duty as a fat.  (There is also avocado oil mayo in the cucumber salad.)  I was not hungry, but remembered Melissa and Dallas' words, so fixed up a plate of food right nice.

(Breakfast was a disaster.  I ate a cold, half-assed portion of Japanese-style thin sliced pork sautéed with scallion, garlic and olive oil leftover from last night...while standing and moving around the kitchen getting the kids' breakfasts...inhaling.  Melissa and Dallas talk about that, too.  Sitting down to eat, relaxing and chewing slowly...contemplating...nourishing.)

I was fascinated because though I was not feeling hungry, I had no trouble eating and enjoying my lunch.  About 90 minutes after I ate, I regretted not putting more of the cucumber salad on my plate.  I was hungry!

Baba ganoush is on deck (pondering halving the recipe or buying another eggplant...if I wait till Saturday I can buy another just like it from Farmer John) and there is a gorgeous cabbage to contemplate.

Life is good...but, of course, it's not, in many ways.  I have been feeling sad, angry, and close to hopeless after the Zimmerman verdict.  This piece and this piece have been standouts for me...have helped me process and contextualize and feel grateful for our capacities to communicate, connect and add meaning to our shared co-existence, to our spiritual collective.

I am finding that David Lebovitz's recipes/writing are a balm.  They consistently give me a lift.  Our very short local cherry season has come to a close, but this recipe for Cherry Mess caught my eye.  I am clipping it to Evernote (just created a CSA recipes folder) for consideration in 2014.

I recently started subscribing to the 101 Cookbooks feed and was rewarded this morning with an intriguing sounding combination of ingredients: coconut oil, avocado, toasted macadamia nuts and squash blossoms!  Very Paleo.

Last thing I'll leave you with is a made-for-Netflix show that is big on my radar: Orange Is The New Black.  I plan on starting it soon.

Peace and love.

Addendum

It occurred to me that I did not explain why it was notable that I looked relaxed and happy in the wedding photo...why it stood as a testament to positive change.

The photo was taken at about 5 p.m.  It was easily 90º out/under the big tent (the sides were not enclosed).  It was humid.  We had spent four hours in the car that day driving up to Rhode Island, arrived at the state park about half an hour before the ceremony began.  (Prior to our departure, I had spent two hours just preparing/packing food for Gem for the day.  In other words, I woke early and worked before getting in the car.)  My appetite plummets during hot and humid weather, especially if I am outdoors.  That day I ate a good breakfast at home but nothing on the road save for three French fries.  When the photo was taken I had started refreshing myself with the excellent iced tea, but dinner had not yet been served (and the appies were of no interest to me).

So, anyone who knows me well, knows that it is pretty remarkable that I look so relaxed and happy in this shot.  Travel day + hot, humid weather + no food fuel = relaxed and happy?  What?

Something energetic has shifted.  Relaxed and happy = energy/qi flowing = I ain't dead yet!

Peace.

Fat and happy

My cousin, Koko, took a picture of me at the family wedding we attended in Rhode Island a couple of weekends ago.  I think it perfectly captured my most prevalent recent state: fat and happy.

I've woken from the chaos of Spring and found myself, well, pretty fat and pretty happy.  And sleep deprived.  I am tackling the sleep first.  I know in my bones that until I am consistently getting more sleep, not much else can happen.

How am I doing this?

• watching my caffeine intake/timing.

• going to bed as early as I can (midnight these days...shooting for 10:30/11:00).

• taking my Chinese herbs/practicing Qigong (herbs I am good at, Qigong is still not happening much).

• putting my sleep needs ahead of the kids' and Cap's without totally abandoning them.

For me, being fat/overweight is both a natural and unnatural state.  I identify very much with Oprah in terms of being someone for whom the pendulum between "optimal" weight and "natural" weight swings back and forth frequently...and seemingly without cease.

"Number" weight isn't all encompassing, but I find it a useful way to talk about weight because it is a language easily accessed by most.  I am very physically "dense".  I have no idea whether it's the proverbial "big boned" thing or what, but even at my "thinnest", I've been heavier than anyone would expect.  (For example, fitting into size 4 jeans and weighing 130-something pounds.)

After this Spring I have swung to the heavier side of the spectrum.  172 for anyone keeping track.  (Which, of course, is no one.  That was me being semi-defensive against a random voice in my head.)  Funny story, my eyes are really starting to go (on my third or fourth bi-focal scrip and most people only require two), and for a few days I thought the scale was saying 167.  I'd marveled to Cap that despite a Spring of going off Paleo I'd only gained two pounds.

I have some issues with "looking" fat.  But, as I age, I am finding my focus has shifted less from concern over how I look and more towards how I feel.  There is no denying it.  When I go off the Paleo rails, eventually, I start to feel physically old.  Aches and pains galore flare up and it takes some will not to pop an Advil or two.  I have long (long) flirted along the outskirts of various chronic-type modern maladies: fatigue, anxiety, depression...all of these settle down on me quite firmly when I am not eating Paleo.

Actually, depression has not come back easily.  I have been happier in the last year.  I will insert here that the label/diagnosis "depression" has never sat well with me when it came to me.  I know I have "presented" that way a number of times in my adult life, but there was always a small whisper inside that said, "really?"  I never quite believed it.  (I think my mood/energy are affected by various factors including: hormones, chemicals, food, digestion, movement, time outdoors, the weather, the emotional weather around me, sensory input/overload...in a nutshell, my tends-toward-higher sensitivity.)

Anyhoo, this is all to say that I am starting a Whole 30 tomorrow.  I've pulled out my Whole 30 book and some cookbooks.  Our weekly CSA share arrives this evening, tomorrow I will hit the kitchen full force.  I will finish the Whole 30 right before our trip to California...during which time I intend to eat whatever I want...but have fancied ordering my super burrito on a plate sans tortilla...we'll see.

I've also pulled out Master Lu's hormone-free menopause book.  And I have been visualizing a return to the elliptical machine at the Y...waiting for that one to manifest as my sleep makes a firmer, truer shift.  I practiced Qigong a tiny bit this morning.  A re/start.  (Our CSA farmer's report, which was in my inbox this morning, stated that there is no high heat in the longterm forecast after this week till mid-August, which will help get me outdoors for walks around the block...though he also said this current heatwave was not predicted...)

In the meantime, the things I read add nourishment to my moments here on Earth:

• some words from Pema.

• on refrigerator blindness and how to cure it.

• mung bean dosa recipe.  (Gem and Cap loves dosas.)

• and the following, which Ane Axford posted on Facebook.  it's something I've considered for myself but have not been able to successfully integrate.  which has resulted, over and over again, in "avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal".  during this "rebuilding" Summer, I am tossing this idea, a "space of my own", into the mix.

I haven't met an HSP yet who doesn't need a space of their own to be alone in a predictable way. It's important to have your own sacred space with protective boundaries to allow you alone time and solitude when and how you need it. It is important to inform anyone who needs to be informed about what these protective boundaries are so that they can intentionally be observed. This is much different that avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal. This is time with yourself away from stimulation. When your nervous system is always taking in and processing, you need quiet protected space to be with you and you alone. 

We are each different with the time we need and the type of space we need to be alone. Some like the forest or a long walk, others like an altar in a special room in your home. Some like an hour a day and others like a day a week, and some can only get 20 minutes (parents!). Given your lifestyle and your circumstances, imagine what time with yourself would feel good right now where you are. You don't need to get anything new, just arrange what you have in a new way. And, maybe it does feel important to you to get something new. Listen and trust in what your sensitive body tells you when you ask it what all-one time looks like for you. If it feels like a big relaxing sigh and you can breathe easier when you think of it, you have it!

~ Ane Axford

Peace and love.

Flowers and food

These bouquets at our CSA farmer's stand at the farmer's market stopped me in my tracks.

The sour cherry jam, after a night in the icebox, blew my mind.  One of the best things I've ever made, hands down.  Enjoyed here with a small square of homemade corn bread and smear of Kerrygold.

I am digging hard boiled egg wrapped in prosciutto lately.  Tasty little bundles of protein.

I couldn't resist: I brought flowers home.

Peace.

Confiture de griottes

...which, today, sounds so much nicer to me than Sour Cherry Jam.

I have never been much of a cherry/cherry flavor girl.  Occasionally black cherry would give me a zing, in a soda or an ice cream.  Only occasionally.

Me and cherries have come a long way, though.  When we started getting the fruit share as part of our CSA (it's separate, not a farm, but an orchard), I was stunned by the first delivery: Bing cherries.  I had no idea they could be grown in our part of the country.

And, they were incredibly, sublimely, delicious.

The last few years, these cherries became an annual treat (most seasons they came only once).  There would be a race to see who would gobble the most to the finish (Gem and I are especially fond of them).

This year, the stars have aligned and I am finally, finally, using most of our CSA produce and giving away what we don't use...close to zero waste so far, about one month in (I have not managed to eat/feed all of what I prepare...my family, for the most part does not eat what I eat, it's not to their taste).  A happy result of this has been: 2013, my summer of jams.  (Insert huge smile, I love jam!)

In our share this week were pretty, and mysterious, sour cherries.  We've probably gotten them in years past and they've rotted in the back of the fridge, my ADDish addled mind incapable of pulling the strands together to do something with an unfamiliar ingredient.  I don't know, I cannot recollect.  This year, I did some internet research and learned some things.  Like English peas, they do not last long.  You have to pounce and act in order to enjoy their goodness.

Between processing other veg and fruit, hosting common meal and sleep-energy issues, the sour cherries got washed yesterday, but I did not actually play with them till today, three days post-delivery.  Well, there were a few bruised/browned past use, but otherwise, phew, they were fine.  (Another thing I have learned this summer...some/most produce do not do well to be washed before refrigeration...so I was a tad worried that I had washed them yesterday only to stick them back in the fridge.)

I had earmarked the sour cherries for pickling or jam...and went with jam.  Am I ever glad I did.  The kids helped me pit the pound of cherries and I subbed coconut sugar for the sugar.  I aslo added the couple of drops of almond extract.  (My body/brain were buzzing after just a few sample tastes while cooking...I may not consume this jam, it's just too sugar-y for me during this sugar-less time.  Interesting piece about coconut sugar here.)  The process, as outlined by David Lebovitz, invited thought and a slowing down which I enjoyed.  The resulting jam was a vibrant red-purple that I just wanted to dive into and get lost in.

And the flavor and texture?  Robust.  In-your-face.  Tart.  Explosive.

Cherries, I love you.

Peace.

It's friday

Windows are open for the first time in forever and it feels so good.

And potato salad is more delicious the second day.

yukon golds, avocado oil mayo, rice vinegar, salt/pepper, scallion, summer savory.

The fruit salad yesterday was pretty to look at, but, frankly, only serviceable in flavor.  I'm getting spoiled by super fresh local produce!

The green salad rocked and I made my best vinaigrette yet using: local blueberry patch honey, Dijon mustard, garlic powder, salt/pepper, ume (plum) vinegar and Spanish olive oil.

a mix of lettuces, cuke, cherry toms, orange bell pepper, toasted pecans, summer savory.

Cap chose the summer savory as our herb this week and using it has been a delight.  I was previously unfamiliar with this ingredient and really like it.  It even gifted me a tiny blossom.

I don't know if it's post-growth spurt plateauing or summer heat shut-in slow down, but the kids have been skipping lunch, fortified with snacks or nothing at all mid-day.  On my better days I am a happy snack cart wending my way through Minecraft-land.

I am super behind on paper work.  Realized this morning that two books I have out of the library were a week overdue...best make sure there are no bills overdue!

But all I want to do is read my next book!

Peace and love.

Hump day +1

Top bunk at sunrise yesterday.  Both kids had trouble falling asleep and then Sag had a very restless night, up and down a few times.  Here he finally slept and I staggered back to my bed (presently the fold out in the living room because I am an AC all-the-time person and Cap is an AC only-when-absolutely-necessary person).  I finally fell asleep around 5:30 am.

Believe me when I say that the level of sleep deprivation and disturbance I have been experiencing in 2013...sucks.  Yesterday morning when I woke up from my four hours, I was awash in negativity.  But, generally, I am accepting of it.  I think it is part of my menopausal story.  It is part of my parenting story.  Parts of me and my life that I would not have any other way.

Thanks to my work with Vinny over the years, and having a partner who gives me the space and time to be wholly who I am, I experience the natural stress that comes with sleep deprivation territory, but I do not pile on the stress that can come with "baggage" territory.  (The chorus of voices inside judging and criticizing from all possible angles.)

So, after a brief battle with the voices and a flurry of texting with Cap, I decided to postpone common meal one day and cancel my plans to go to tap class in the evening (the session started three weeks ago and I have not made it there yet...)  I headed into the kitchen and surprised myself with my productivity.  In retrospect, I believe it was kitchen therapy at work.

Roasted broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini and fennel from the farm...

baked chicken thighs seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic and Galena Street rub (huh, I just noticed at their site they list sugar in the ingredients...didn't notice that on my jar)...

weeded, washed, spun and stored two heads of lettuce...

made mayo using Nom Nom Paleo's old school method of whisking.  The trick is to have helping hands hold the bowl and keep you company...

I believe this method was quicker than using the blender...crazy...

and beautiful...

made pesto, too.  I used the beautiful bunch of licorice basil from our CSA share and some garlic scape, pine nuts, olive oil and salt.  It came out quite tasty.  The licorice flavor nearly obliterated in the blitz of blades.

By the time I looked up from all this Cap was home from work.  I finally ate something (a plate of chicken and veg, natch) after having no appetite all day.  Settled into folding laundry and watching an episode of The Newsroom.

I tweaked the kids' bedtime routine a little and talked to them about needing some sleep after the debacle of the night before.  They fell asleep rather quickly, I slept a solid seven hours despite Sag coming in at some point during the night, and woke up to this...

Common meal tonight, cooking and cleaning today.  I boiled my spuds for potato salad and have used this opportunity to write to cool down the kitchen.  I am also making a green salad and a fruit salad.  Cool kitchen, lots of chopping.

Here are some links and a song (it makes me sad but sometimes life is like that)...

• adding to my dreamy dream list

• caramel love

• outdoor art love

• eggy love

• as someone who loves a good hummus but has all but eliminated beans from her diet (even when I am not Paleo) this recipe for mung bean hummus has me very intrigued.  mung beans are actually seeds and not beans and I think won't give me the same digestive hassle.

• I like the idea of flavor boosters and love condiments, in general.  this one is on my list to make and give a go.

Peace and love.

Pupa

I've entered the next pupa phase.  Gettin' back on the Paleo path.  Today is going to be a quiet day of feeling chemically-induced crappy (this withdrawal is not the hardest its been, but tougher than the last time) and watching episodes of The Newsroom.

We had a lovely time at a family wedding near the water in Rhode Island over the weekend.

I dig this photo evidence: my hair is a hot mess (I believe more and more the plucking is due to peri/menopausal hormonal/chemical shifts), my body is like sausage...but I am radiating positive vibration.  My smile comes from a deeper well of contentment than a year ago.  I am part of this unified, happy and playful family.  The Spring was so chaotic...something inside me unstoppably tuned into the churning energies of new life and growth, of spinning momentum.  I feel I have been released into Summer.  There is relief (presently ironic given how much I have historically hated the type of hot and humid weather we have had for weeks), there is a blinking-into-light-like-a-mole, there is serenity.

I read Beautiful Ruins.  Loved the first half and the ending, felt it was kind of meh in between.  An entertaining and fast summer read, though, if you are looking for fiction.  A lot of people loved this book.  Maybe you will, too.

I am feeling like I have my Reader back with InoReader.  Here are some recent bits which resonated:

• What's In Prince's Fridge?

• Gluten-Free Goddess talking about FODMAPs and probiotics

• a recipe for dark chocolate truffles grain-free, vegan, sweetened with honey and stevia

• perhaps the most succinct clarion call I have ever seen regarding the lunacy of war and the lives and deaths of American soldiers

• I love this guy's writing...honest and vulnerable, thoughtful and intelligent

I leave you with my latest iTunes purchase...peace and love, people!

Slaughterhouse 90210

Fellow lovers of tv and books, run, do not walk to this awesome tumblr!

Laughs and love.

Your cosmic relevance

I just love him.

   

Quipping

Coming to you from...

...the keys of my new Air-y Apple gadget

...the throes of middle-aged menopausal "fat-fuzzy-frazzled" miasma

...super mugginess and daily flash flood warnings

...more sleep deprivation

...explaining, not complaining...as you can see, I am still here...somewhat upright and kind of smiling.

Thinking about this summer season as a time of tackling some niggling things off my life list (mundane and not-so-mundane...but mostly mundane):

• tap dancing

• finishing the lap blanket that has been unknit for nearly two years now

• my Superhero Lunchbox

• homeschool planning

• writing a household budget

• getting back to reading

• getting back to writing

Gawd.  Making the above list is enough to send me crawling back beneath the nearest rock.  It's all a bit overwhelming these days.  (We also have vacationing in MA and CA planned for August.)

Anyhoo, here are a few things to read and listen to:

• a piece about food and Boston

• a yummy sounding egg bake recipe

• a bittersweet rumination of life's twists

• a song I have long loved not knowing it was a COVER. loving up the original.

Peace and love.

Evening chat

A rare side-by-side candid shot of these two where you can see their faces.

They really don't resemble each other.

They really keep growing.

They really are their own beautiful selves.

Peace and love.

Proud manatee mama

Sag created this banner for Gem's YouTube channel.

I love it!

Catching up

I was feeling emotionally down for a few days. That has abated, but I am tired! It has been hot and muggy-ish all week. I am grateful for my air conditioning...but long for fresh air.

Gem was under the weather last week, fine over the weekend, but back to under the weather this week. A friend described having a symptom-less virus at common meal last night (I went solo, I really needed to get out of the house for some company) and it struck me that this is what Gem seems to be dealing with.

Cap comes home tomorrow, storm gods willing. We are looking forward to his return. I actually like this annual threesome time...but we do miss our fourth.

We will finish off Gem's birthday celebrating with a family gathering on Sunday. Then we will go into something of a summer mode, I suppose.

Here are some pictures to tell the story of the past week...

Snapped at Kate's during a feed-the-cat pop-by.

Shot out on the sidewalk in front of the house with my Precious (iPhone). Super moon. I am sensitive to the moon and weather. My mood dip may have been related to the special lunar event.

I ran out of my new favorite coffee so picked up this local blend. It's flavorful and refreshing. (Cap will be bringing home some more Momoko coffee tomorrow, yay!)

Recalling something funny and then telling me the story...

...and then getting back to long division.

The iPad was propped up against that blue back pillow and they were homeschooling via Skype with Cap.

Mystery bag piper. S/he has been practicing/playing across the street this week. Our street is very wide and not conducive to impromptu chats so we don't know our neighbors well. I don't think s/he is one of the kids who lives there... Regardless, I adore hearing live music and have enjoyed their playing enormously.

The lately daily "I don't want to go to school..." ritual of re/iterating the day's work/tasks and bemoaning the lack of hours in a day and attempting to negotiate personal burdens down.

Sag and I have been enjoying cream cheese, something we don't often have in the house. I introduced him to a childhood favorite of mine, cream cheese and jam on toast. This, though, is avocado with cream cheese. I stopped buying avocado for awhile after having some less than satisfactory ones (one of the things I miss about living in California is the abundance of fresh avocado year-round). I picked up a bag of 'em this week and they have been yummy.

Speaking of abundance, the CSA is fast having a "win some" kind of season (as in you win some, you lose some). That is a frakking motherlode of green stuff! Two kinds of lettuce, napa cabbage, kale, escarole, arugula, two bunches of spinach...and that's just the leafy, greens.

Last week, despite cooking up the greens, I didn't eat them! I could not keep up. I was still eating veg from the week before. I have also strayed WAY off the Paleo reservation lately and have been filling myself with carby carbs and take-out...too much take-out.

What I have managed so far this week: the strawberries and cherries (fruit share commenced, yay!), the lettuce has been washed and prepped at-the-ready in the fridge, we shelled 2lbs of green peas and they are cooked...but they are old (I now know they need to be cooked/eaten within a few days of being picked), and I finally made some garlic scape pesto!

Scape pesto is one of my favorite things about summer. A sublime and snappy seasonal sensation. I had some with the last of the cream cheese yesterday and found it to taste like the best Boursin cheese, ever.

Donna has a beautiful garden. It is a lush and creative space...using design born out of inspiration and a keen eye and mind. I rarely go for white when it comes to flowers. But, these gorgeous beings caught my eye last night and had me swooning.

Peace and love.