Twofer

Cap came home from Chicago yesterday afternoon and left for Massachusetts a few hours later.  He brought home a motherlode of Sonic comics for the kids, all back issues, some from as long ago as 1999.  They were very happy.

But, after dinner, as Cap was getting ready to leave, it hit Sag really hard that his dad was leaving so soon after coming home.  His grief was palpable and heartbreaking.  Sag ended up coming back in and the three of us spent the better part of the next two hours brainstorming, snuggling and crying, trying to figure out a resolution together and peacefully.  (Thankfully Cap was driving, not flying, to his next destination.)

Parenting can sometimes require a boatload of patience with process.  But, it is so worth it, especially for the child.  Sag is a very emotional kid and sometimes his emotions turn in on himself painfully.  He felt like we "hated" him because we wouldn't give him what he needed (for Cap to stay home).  From our perspective the cost of Cap not leaving last night was too great, but of course, he couldn't fully understand that, or more importantly, truly feel it.

As humans coexisting I think we always have to allow for someone to not really feel about something the way we ourselves do.  As much as we have in common, we are not any of us exactly the same.  It just makes sense to me to allow for, accept and respectfully tolerate differences.

This can be so tricky when you are an adult dealing with a child.  Most of us adults have our own issues about molding future generations so entrenched in our identities that we dress our desires and impulses to be "good" role models/teachers/parents in robes of righteousness and authority.  If we look the part, we must be right.

I didn't intend to write a treatise on parenting or the rights of children...  I'll just say that for various reasons most kids have and/or will experience getting shafted and that most adults have and/or will do some shafting.  Verbal reasoning can get you to places of mutual understanding, but plenty of times, it won't.  At that point the question becomes: do you have what it takes to put in the time and energy to resolve the situation differently?

There's true magic to be found in taking and making the time and creating and giving the space for a kid to experience something that makes her sad/mad/frustrated/impatient. etc.  Especially if you are, intentionally or not, the instrument of sad/mad/frustrated/impatient-making.

It took us two hours of not taking things personally, of listening and not disagreeing, of dropping it when it was pointed out you were trying to distract attention, of simply holding while he cried, of making gentle suggestions, of sticking to his guns, of waiting, of being peaceful together, of explaining that things would get better, of reassuring, of saying "I love you", of negotiating, and finally, of relenting and feeling safe and confident that, indeed, things had already started to get better.

I was immensely grateful and satisfied to be Sag's mother and Cap's partner last night.  (Poor Cap ran into crazy traffic in CT and didn't arrive to his sister's till 2:30am...)

As I mentioned above, Sag is emotionally sensitive.  Lately, I've noticed subtle but definite changes in his reactions to my killing bugs in the apartment.  He used to be so afraid of bugs that rescue from his fear trumped anything else he might have felt about them.  But, things are different now.

Even before I had kids, I tried to end the lives of flies, mosquitoes and creepy crawly type insects with respect and apology.  I haven't killed a spider in decades because I know they have "good" qualities and frankly, they are easy to remove quickly.  (This is progress.  I used to be very fearful of spiders and get really wigged out by the sight of them.)

But, death is death, killing is killing  There's no way around that.  And my attempts at a fast death usually means a loud one (the slam of a book against a window or wall, for instance).  And the string of curse words, as whispered as they may be, would seem to be indication of some unresolved issues/unspoken fear/hostility on my part.

None of this escapes Sag's eyes, ears and heart.  And he feels bad for the critter whose life comes to a brutal end at my hands.  It's been more and more obvious.

I was just beginning to wonder again whether Sag would eventually become a vegetarian when he made the above "protest sign" (his words).  He has really been enjoying the new meats he's been trying lately, but clearly it weighs on his conscience.

I am honored to bear bittersweet witness.