Heel getting all up in my grill

As most of you know, I am not good with money.  It is, my Achilles' heel.  I have worked to raise my awareness of this critical weakness of mine over the last five years and though progress is being made incrementally, it has also been inexorably slow going.

In August, we took a family vacation to California and I made the mistake of not constructing a vacation budget.  I kind of kept my eye on our spending and we spent roughly 50% above what my vague ceiling was.  Not good.  Some would say stupid.  Irresponsible, really, when you consider the fact that we are a single income family with two kids living paycheck-to-paycheck.

September was a blur.  On top of the usual seasonal surge of expenses (signing up for classes/activities, sorting through, discarding and purchasing cooler weather clothes for the kids, back-to-school expenses for Cap), a virus put three of us down for the count.

By the time I came up for air in October, I knew we were in a spot of trouble.  I very clearly realized that we were spending more than "we" were earning.  Our "cushion" (which normally expands and contracts throughout the year because Cap's consulting earnings, which typically go straight into the savings account, are irregular) was not bouncing back to normal levels after the vacation expense debacle.

So, it's back to the drawing board.

• an immediate moratorium on buying books.  (my intention is set for at least one year.)  (most of you know this will not be a hardship for me.  I own dozens of books I have not yet read and access to an incredible consortium of libraries.)

• we are attempting a zero sum budget until the next pay check (Friday).  barring extraordinary circumstance(s) we are aiming to get through the week without dipping into our savings.  meals are planned, a skeleton crew of groceries has been bought, time to hunker down yet stay loose (for creativity and positivity).

• time to track our spending again.  for the month of November I am itemizing all spending, and going deeper than I have in the past.  I am noting the cost of individual items on the grocery bill, for instance.  this will help me to shop a little smarter: I can develop a cheat sheet at some point of staples to facilitate comparison shopping.

[tangent 1: I am grateful to see my process in play here, clearly.  by tackling this lifelong Achilles' heel in steps, concretely, as well as in a spiral progression, what once felt sickeningly overwhelming now feels much more manageable.  I can acknowledge that some people will read this post and wonder how/why it has taken me so long to get to where I am...and I am okay with that rather than stressed about it.  progress on both the emotional and mental fronts rocks!]

[tangent 2: I've recently gleaned two organizational tips from cookbooks which I plan to implement.  one involves making a kitchen inventory sheet for tracking shopping needs/spending.  the other, which builds on the first, is a shopping list sheet which is organized by mapping the grocery store(s) you shop in, creating a most efficient "flow" for shopping/spending.]

• creating a budget for the next few months will be interesting because...  November has Sag's birthday (gift and party) and Thanksgiving (special occasion dinner and travel).  December has our anniversary (gifts) and Christmas (holiday cards/postage, gifts and travel).  January has Cap's birthday (gift), my birthday (gift) and a family trip to Peru (travel).  we are heading into the most overwhelmingly spendy time of year for the manatee household!

Call me crazy, but I am kind of enjoying this.  For some reason, I feel not only up to the task of figuring some shit out, but I am looking forward to it.

Stay tuned.

Embroideries

I was going to post an image of the book cover, but came across this portrait of the author and loved it.  I found Embroideries on the library shelf when I was looking for Marbles.  I'd read Marjane's Satrapi's other graphic novels, but Embroideries, published in 2005, flew below my radar.

It clocked in at under half an hour, making it a very quick read.  And what a gem.  A friendly invitation to perch at the perimeter of a gathering of Iranian women "ventilating their hearts".  This book made me feel part of a large, warm, very much connected tribe.

Peace and love.

Themes

rhythm.

Every November, for a number of Novembers now, I feel a spark and a twinge when I am reminded of NaNoWriMo.  I think, how cool would that be, to write a novel?  Or a solid first draft of one?  And then I quickly dismiss the idea because how dare I disrespect the art form by even dreaming I could do something like that?  I am hardly a writer.

Today, a blogger I follow posted saying she will post daily for the month of November (unrelated to NaNoWriMo).  And I whispered-thought, hey, that, I can do.

Going to the farmer's market with Kelly on Saturday mornings has become a lovely routine.  The company of a good friend, being a step closer to the rhythm of the season, the genial contact with local farmers, fish mongers and culinary artisans...it all fills me with anticipation and gratitude.

This morning I picked up cider from a local orchard (where we get our weekly fruit share from) and eggs and ground sirloin from Anthony.

moments.

The berries were red and because of the cloudy light, had a wonderful matte quality to them.  I couldn't angle my shot properly to catch the color, but liked the silhouette well enough to appreciate the image for itself.

flow.

Something clicked for Gem this afternoon and he worked on some comics with an unusual fervor.  We talked about how cool it is to feel and be one with that flow.

arts.

I read Marbles today.  It was an incisive and funny memoir chronicling a journey from diagnosis to successful treatment (after four+ years!) of bipolar disorder.  It had a lot of heart and I am glad I read it.  It was featured in this piece highlighting graphic novels by women that Sherman Alexie turned me onto via his blog.

I have been enjoying American Horror Story: Coven in its many aspects, and, as a whole.  I am a sucker for wonderfully utilized music and have been riveted by their application of Fleetwood Mac, and Stevie Nicks, in particular, for Misty's storyline.

Peace and love.

Day of the dead

I do not celebrate Day of the Dead.  But, I woke up feeling half dead.  Actually, I went to bed last night feeling half dead already.  I decided not to set my alarm, to let myself sleep in.  And I did.

And what the frak, weather?  We have a low pressure system hovering and Gem and I have been feeling the doom and gloom of it.  The windows are open for the high of 70º.  On November 1.

They say holidays can trigger anxiety/depression because of unresolved emotional issues which have gone psychologically awry.  I guess maybe Halloween is one such trigger, for me.  I certainly have had mixed emotions about it as an adult and parent.

We have missed two Halloweens in a row due to severe storms...then this year, the kids' longtime trick-or-treating partner decided he was no longer interested in going.  The kids decided not to go trick-or-treating, but late yesterday afternoon we received a query about going, from another good friend, and they changed their minds.  Sag dressed as a hobbit (what Gem went as last year very belatedly once the town deemed it safe post-Sandy) and Gem dressed as a birdwatcher.

They had a good time, overall, but received a couple of negative comments about being "too old" and, I kid you not, "pathetic".  (Apparently the person who called them pathetic was "joking" and Gem did not take it personally...but, Sag, who has a very tender heart and, at 11, is still very much a kid, found these attitudes/words hurtful and confusing.)  No one refused them candy, though, and once they returned home, they ate sweets and snuggled in bed with America's Funniest Home Videos, and had a grand time.

I, was pissed.  And though I try to keep my Facebook complaint-free, I brought my feelings to my tribe over there and the ensuing conversation, which drew friends from many areas of my life, helped me see the bigger picture and showered me with warm words of support.

Parenting kids through seasonal events, like most things, is a mixed bag.  There are the many positives which come from sharing and co-creating a history over years...but nothing stays the same and change can bring with it new and unexpected challenges.

When I was their age, trick-or-treating became less fun because of the neighborhood hooligans who ran about chucking eggs at innocent bystanders and rumors of Nair flinging.  I had quite a primal reaction to the kids' first brush with (Halloween related) "loss of innocence" when my own memories and stored emotions came flooding back (were these unresolved feelings?  I don't know.)

Sleep, weather fronts moving on, and big mugs of Irish Breakfast tea with honey and cream all help.  And I am feeling much better now.

My most pressing concern of the moment is tackling our money situation.  I am feeling quite compelled to "zero sum" the next week.  We have less than what we typically spend for a week's groceries left in the account.  Can we get to next Friday without dipping into savings?

Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

Portraits and reviews (people and books)

Portraits of each of us in the throes of the season.  Cap's can use an explanation: he was taking the air conditioners out.  I was enjoying the open windows, freer light and his beautiful hands (which do so much for our family).

I am reading Men We Reaped.  I did not know anything about this book except that Roxane Gay recommended it.  It's going to gut me, the question is to what degree.

Finished The Ocean At The End Of The Lane.  It was stunning.  I loved it unequivocally and suspect it will be my #1 book read this year.  Here is my Goodreads review:

Stunning. A story that felt fresh while seeming utterly familiar and constant. A moving tapestry of profound moments gorgeously rendered and grounded in effortless accessibility.

Craft and bake sale

Incredibly aromatic (soothing and energizing) bath salts.

Incredibly delicious Paleo carrot soup.  I was hesitant because I am not a fan of carrots, but this soup was out-of-this-world good.

Incredibly beautiful paper-crafting artform which dates back to the Renaissance.

Incredibly cool blow torched lemon brûlée cookies.

Incredibly beloved semi-annual event which was born from the mind and heart of a dear friend (performing original songs here) when she was seven.

It was another wonderful day nestled amongst loving old trees, hanging out with friends, connecting with our community.

Peace.

P.S.  The wares featured above were all conceived and executed in large and larger parts by our amazing kids.

Catching up: the natural world

These four shots are from around the house.  I appreciate all the seasons, but Autumn is my favorite.  I find the drowsing of the Earth quite beautiful.  The way the colors fade, how what is underneath, the bones of our matter, are exposed...  How simultaneously new underneaths are created and precious parts are given shelter.  How surges of life can give us delirious hope amidst the chaos of entropy.

These three shots are from a walk the kids and I took in a local park.  It was early morning but the light felt like late afternoon.  The slant of the world discombobulates.

These two were taken around the library.  Glancing fascinators.

Peace and love.

Catching up: the food

sausage-sweet potato frittata.

pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

Thai nut relish.

Hosted a wee potluck brunch last weekend and served these dishes.  All the recipes are terrific.  A variety of flavors and textures, all satisfying.  The Thai nut relish was a revelation (unsweetened shredded coconut as a base?  genius).  Oh, I also reduced the powdered sugar in the frosting significantly and the texture of the frosting was unchanged.  Win!

pumpkin muffins with raisins and choco chips.

These muffins were fabulous.  Moist and tasty.  If eaten on the first day, also nicely crusty.  Delicious with a schmear of cream cheese or butter, too.  I used coconut crystals and reduced the sugar.

Kyoto cherry rose green tea.

A recent discovery at Terra.  I had it iced on one of the last warm and humid days of the exponential Indian summers we had this year.  I have been enjoying it hot with a spoonful of local honey since turning the heat on last week.

roasted sweet potatoes.

Another gem of a recipe from Martha Stewart's site.  I did not have Old Bay seasoning so subbed with poultry seasoning that I need to get through speedily because of its recent "expiration" date.  This was simple to put together and highlighted the natural goodness of sweet spuds, well (flavor/texture/color).

cornbread stuffing with ground turkey, pecans and raisins.

Making this stuffing was a valuable first step in tinkering my way towards the scrumptiously sublime stuffing of my dreams.  It was much better than the horror of last year's stuffing.

• loved the pecans and raisins.

• if I make cornbread stuffing again, will decrease or eliminate the sugar in the cornbread.

• ground turkey, while nice for the non-red meat eating member of our family, didn't quite cut it, flavor-wise.

• the chicken broth (store bought...Imagine or Pacific Foods) was too one note...bordering on cloying.

• I forgot to plan for making gravy...gravy likely would have helped this stuffing go down easier.

• I gave most of this stuffing away to gluten-free friends and they loved it.

I have the ingredients for my next effort lined up and ready to go.

shakshouka.

Lovely, lovely breakfast food.  Teaches me patience every time while I wait for the eggs to cook just so.

cabbage head.

1. Wish I had a cleaver.

2. Confession: a cabbage bigger than one's head brings with it a tide of CSA fatigue.

beef-pork meatballs.

Delectable.  I don't think I will ever make beef-only meatballs ever again.  The pork added a fantastic je ne sais quoi to these nuggets of yummy.  I adapted the recipe quite a bit, but found it to provide a solid base.

sweet relish.

Sag and I love sweet relish.  But, of course, sweet relish contains loads of sugar.  It occurred to me this week that I could make sweet relish at home controlling for sugar.  After some Googling, I decided to pick up a jar of Bubbies (the store didn't have the relish so I bought the pickles).  I chopped up half the pickles, added some of the pickle juice and stirred in 2 Tbs local honey.  This relish nearly filled a repurposed salsa jar.

spaghetti carbonara.

I don't remember how I came to start reading Kate Christensen's blog.  I have not read her fiction, but she is a writer who likes food.  I like writerly things/people.  I like food.  She is from Boston and I like Boston.  So, somehow, I found her blog and I like to read it.  She posted a Carbonara recipe last week that entranced me.  I had never made Carbonara at home.  It is a dish that I have adored the occasional times I have had it.  I did not grow up eating it.  It always struck me as an otherworldly combination of crazily indulgent ingredients.

So, I was genuinely struck by the simple and straightforward recipe.  Pasta+bacon+garlic+olive oil+eggs+Parmesan cheese+black pepper.  Really?  Not only could I do that, but I realized that the relatively short list of ingredients was a signal for alchemical magic ahead.

Yum, yum, yum.  This was utterly comforting, nostalgic and perfect.  As I ate, this song came on and folded in a whole other layer of memory.

(I am a believer in every moment being perfection in it of itself...but it's not always easy to read the moment as so.  Eating this for dinner last night, many, many things came together and I became one with perfect.)

Peace and love and happy taste buds.

Absence results in avalanche

I promised myself to post today to not let it go longer than a week since my last post.  And I do hope it won't be as long till my next one.

I was going to pick one photo to save time (which I only wanted to do in order to facilitate the actual happening of writing a post), but looking at my photo stream made me warm and fuzzy and I could not pick just one.

I am delighted by an unexpected turn of events.  This Fall has been defined by a surge in cooking and baking as I have mused about it here in this space.  The development in the last week or so is that I have made some food which has made me go "hmm".  And I find myself very curious and wanting to learn more about the science behind the alchemy of cooking.

I have requested Ratio and Gluten-Free Girl Every Day from the library.  Both authors are proponents of using ratios to develop recipes and deepen one's understanding of how recipes work.  I cannot imagine I will ever be creating my own recipes...but am kind of thrilled to be exploring cooking and baking in a new way.  Maybe I do like it, after all.

And now, the pics...

local intersection.  I had just stepped out of Anthropologie, a store I go into maybe once a year.  I like it every time, but then forget about it until someone or something reminds me and I go in again.

sweet rice flour!  we've started using it, but I have not batched "my" all-purpose flour mix yet.  (I need a snazzy name for it.)

Chinese lump candy (aka rock candy).  the kids, particularly Gem, have been loving it.  some less processed sweet for the stomach system.

pumpkin chocolate chunk bars.  the first of three items I baked in the last week that came out vastly differently than I thought it would.  it tasted good, but the texture was very wet.  it was like a pumpkin pie without the crust.  the recipe poster's photo shows a much cake-ier looking bar so I was disappointed...and wondered what went awry.

we returned upstate for pumpkins.  the kids enjoyed our trip to Gill's Farm last year so we made a day of it with auntie and uncle.

boys on rock in woods.

beautiful birches.

more often than not, lately, all I want for breakfast is a piece of toast with Kerrygold and a big ass mug of black tea (English or Irish Breakfast) with honey.  must be the bits of stardust in me that hail from the British Isles rallying for some recognition.

pumpkin bacon scallion biscuits.  the greatest of expectations dashed upon a cruel and rocky shore.  these were a shocking bust.  and I am fairly certain it was me...and that I can tweak my performance to turn out a better product.  these were soft on the inside, bordering on mushy.  the outside was crusty...but I was seeking a flakey experience throughout.

I made something a couple of weeks ago, it was the oatmeal raisin cookies, and I questioned the use/quality of nutmeg (an ingredient I normally dig, especially in savory dishes).  well, I finally checked the date on the jar and, oops, it was way past expiration.  at the market, they were out of "regular" nutmeg so I decided to get a jar of whole ones.  I enjoyed the "return to a simpler time" aspect of grating the nutmeg...and, not surprisingly, the wonderful aromatherapy.

apple cider donut hole.  making these was a mixed bag.  I guess you could say the hype (in my head and heart) could not quite be lived up to.  the logistical pain of frying donuts for the first time will never be as challenging as it was yesterday and so I can envision myself making these again and having the total experience be a happier one.  the donut "holes" themselves were really good.  I mean, a warm and crispy fried dough ball?  what's not to like?  these were light and pleasing.  they were not cooked well through, though.  next time they need to be smaller.  and I need a working candy thermometer for next time.  I really had no idea what temperature the oil was.  and speaking of oil...Cap is our resident fryer and being a kinesthetic learner, I had to experience frying to understand the ins and outs of how/how much dang oil is used to deep fry.  it's a frakking lot.  and...honestly, it felt like a waste.  so, next time, I guess I'll make more donuts.  but it would have to be for a crowd because, really, they are best still warm from frying.  see?  my complicated mixed feelings.  also disappointing: Cap didn't want one (he wasn't feeling well) and the boys did not like them.  I am usually not invested in the rest of the family loving, or even liking, what I make, but this one made my heart twinge a bit.

pumpkin tea cake with cream cheese frosting.  sometimes, I will change what I call something to reflect a shift in ingredients.  for example, the pumpkin bacon scallion biscuits were called pumpkin bacon chive biscuits in the original recipe.  but, this one, I could not call these pumpkin bars, not with this frosting, which elevated/transformed the final product to more of a cake.  I am now using coconut crystals or honey or maple syrup as substitutes for cane sugar when I bake.  but, for this frosting, I decided to use the powdered sugar called for because the thought of a brown cream cheese frosting made me sad.  this came out wonderfully.  the cake was dense and it had a rustic, hearty quality that paired nicely with the sweet, sticky frosting (which was way too sweet for me...and raised the burning question: how much can you decrease the sugar in a frosting without negatively impacting the texture of it?)  I froze half the cake and plan on serving it at a brunch this weekend.  I am going to make a non-dairy frosting for it using vegan cream cheese and will use less sugar.  I may make a tiny test batch using coconut crystals to see how unsightly the resulting brown is.

celery root, sweet potato and red onion.  I adapted this Martha Stewart recipe to use up the celery root from last week's CSA share.  I thought the apple, even a tart one, would make it sweeter than I wanted...but the celery root had more of a kick to it than I expected and next time, I will put the apple in.  this was pure CSA goodness.  we are very much entering root vegetable season here and I will be making variations of this kind of peel, cube, par boil and skillet fry for weeks and weeks to come.  Martha Stewart's website is becoming a reliable source of recipes for me.  (another thing that makes me go hmm.)

we are in the midst of a delicious and bountiful apple season.  the simple pleasures of gazing upon Mother Earth's color spectrum, inhaling the delicate and unadorned scents and biting into juicy, crunchy, sweet, flavorful apples has been incredibly happy-making.

I have also been amassing tabs in my Google Chrome...of things I wanted to share here...

• homemade mosquito spray.

• coconut white chocolate recipe.  I have ordered the cocoa butter and am stoked to make this!

• apple honey "lemonade" recipe.  "aid digestion and boost immunity"?  yes, please.

• daily rituals of creative minds.  this reinforced things I already strive for and think highly of.

• 8 fascinating facts about anxiety.  5,6 and 8 were the ones that surprised me (both because I recognized myself in them and I never made a connection to these experiences and anxiety).

• re-Sendakify Sendak.  thanks to Lana for this one.  a must for fans of kid lit.

• a lovely poem.

• making lemonade out of lemons.  if by lemonade we mean gorgeous and haunting black and white photos...and by lemons we mean a frightening and destabilizing medical experience.  this one is from Lana's photo blog.

• 15 Peruvian foods you have to try.  I don't want to jinx anything by saying we're going to Peru in a few months, but that is the plan.  one of the things making me anxious about this trip is wondering what Gem is going to eat/how to feed him.  I was pleased to see that apart from the desserts on this list, most seemed gluten- and dairy-free.

• another lovely poem.

• GO: A Kid's Guide To Graphic Design.  looks like a cool book.  Kidd's first novel, The Cheese Monkeys, blew me away.  this one is not a novel, it's about graphic design and aimed for humans 10 and up.

• gorgeous and stunning nature photography.

• headspace.  a meditation app I am thinking about trying.

• pumpkin muffins on my to do list.

• pumpkin truffles on my to do list.

• raw almond butter cups on my to do list.

• my latest percolating obsession: stuffing.  of the 25 on this list, I'm going to try the Kitchn one first.  (gluten-free, of course.)

• I am wanting meat less these days and was delighted to see this come across my virtual desk this morning: 37 vegetarian dishes for Thanksgiving.

Phew.  Okay, that was a lot.

Peace, my loves.