Gem's Birthday

There was a "friends" party last Saturday which was essentially a larger-than-usual playdate. Lukas and Owen (and Leo :-) and the common meal kids. Gem eschewed cake and song and took advantage of the gaggle of kids to cast the movie he's been writing. They filmed a few scenes which the kids were really pretty into.














On the actual day, yesterday, we went out for lunch at a kaiten ("carousel") sushi place in Teaneck. Takai introduced us to this place which is about a 10 minute drive from his office. He met us and we feasted on our favorites. Wednesdays are "Salmon Days" and salmon sushi is discounted and abundant. Salmon sushi happens to be Gem's favorite :-)

I was very excited that our gift to Gem arrived yesterday afternoon. The Darth Vader light saber.

The "family" celebration will be this Sunday. No one from Massachusetts will be able to make it, unfortunately. We'll be having lunch and play here. My dad will make it for a few hours before we drive him over to Newark Airport so he can head out to his next stop.

There's nothing like a birthday to bring people together, generating a special brand of warmth and joy.

Lucky

I got an appointment with my trusted doctor this morning and I'm home after seeing her. Pneumonia is ruled out and she gave me a TB test which will be read on Friday. We're waiting for my insurance to approve a CAT scan and then I'll get one asap.

Cap made me some tea. I'm going to try to balance my day with sharing my thoughts and feelings as they bubble up, with celebrating as peacefully as I can, this special day when Gem was born 9 years ago.

We're off to lunch with Takai in an hour or so. We host common meal here tonight.

I am full of gratitude and love. Thank you all. Peace will come, I know.

Dang it

The x-rays show something at the base of my left lung. An infiltrate with moderate effusion. I've made an appointment with my family doc who I trust and like. I've e-mailed her the info I have so far, too. My appointment isn't till next Wednesday.

I've also e-mailed and heard back from my college friend, Heidi, who is an ER doc and who I trust and love. She sent me back a detailed e-mail and I felt immediately empowered having some solid information regarding the possibilities.

I feel the weight. Grave, gravity. I feel the depression of it on my spirit, but I am not depressed. I'm taking it in and not worrying. It may be an infection, a clot/embolism, inflammation, or, though very unlikely, a mass. The first three are relatively easily treated with antibiotics or steroids. I'll probably need a CAT scan to confirm what it is.

Taking it easy tonight. Cap's getting me some ice cream and I am remembering to breathe.

9 years ago today

...I was in labor wishing it wasn't so hot and humid, sucking down watermelon. He was due at the end of May. I labored slowly for a week...9 years ago today I was not the happiest of campers. Quite expectant, but the joy was tempered by fatigue, impatience, and nerves.

Gettin' it done

The money accounting for the first week of June is done. There's some cash unaccounted for, but it's not much and frankly, it's time to move on. I'll get better at this, I know. In the meantime, my shoulders have become hard-as-rocky terrain. Someone come work on me:

here,

and here.

Also done: multiple loads of laundry folded and put away, meals for the week planned and shopping done (thanks to Cap), living room cleaned and vacuumed, kids nagged to clean their room so I can vacuum in there, "Monday Groove" play list created and listened to while I worked, fed the kids and myself as our hungers rose, and now I am off to vacuum the kids' room and make dinner (chicken salad for the kids, Thai curry for Cap and me...thank you rotisserie chicken).

It never sounds like much when listed like that. Of course there's the time in between, time we are so lucky to have as an unschooling and academic family. Listening to Gem recount the details of various escapades within the overarching Indiana Jones story. Hugging Sag while marveling that these hugs are happening less and less as he has somehow become closer to being 8 than 7. Looking at drawings, lego masterpieces, comic book frames, costumes..."Äiti, look at this!" And hanging out for a few minutes with Cap listening and sharing, talking about stuff that matters and is real, not on anyone's schedule but our own.

Oh, and p.s., I plugged The Closer into the DVR. I cannot resist Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson :-)

Doggie poop-é

Man, I feel like crap. My body is sore and I felt tired as soon as I opened my eyes despite getting about 8 hours of sleep (albeit with one interruption). I guess the weekend's caught up with me. And, in a way, I haven't fully recovered from my week of pain.

Did I mention that while at my HS reunion I sneezed? For 10 days I'd been controlling my sneezes so that, essentially, I wouldn't, in order to protect that spot of pain in my ribs. Well, during reunion I was seriously in the moment every moment, and when I felt a sneeze coming on, I was too distracted by whomever I was catching up with that I couldn't control it. So I sneezed and felt something pop in my ribs. Pop. It was freaky. Then I had twinges and little spasms for about 15 minutes. Then, it was gone. All gone. The last of the pain has completely disappeared.

I have a feeling the x-rays I got Friday will show nothing out of the ordinary. This was, it's clear now, a muscular thing. Well, as opposed to a bone thing. The origin of the muscular thing had its roots in the emotional/energetic. Of that I am sure.

My goals for today will be getting accounting for June so far into the book. Meal planning for the week. (We're hosting common meal and will have our family birthday celebration for Gem on Sunday so it will be a big cooking week.) Re-vacuuming the living room and the kids' room. Making some good food for lunch and dinner. Homefries are delicious and beloved by all, but I'm kind of getting sick of them.

And giving the kids particular attention. Between the late night Saturday and Gem's approaching birthday they are out of their element, out of their bodies, and kind of out of sorts.

Here's a picture of me when I was 4. Sandy was 2. Takai was but a twinkle in my parents' eyes. Makes me feel a little less crappy :-)

Let's talk about sex

Woo hoo! The kids finally asked me over dinner tonight what the f-word means. I'd been dreading the moment, but it went really well. We've talked about plant sex enough that they understand the biology of the creation of life.

I took my time, wanting to be thoughtful and mindful...and also to keep the occasional giggle at bay. Sag kept saying, "but what is f@ck? is that f@ck? when are you going to get to f@ck?" When I finally got to the mechanics involved in the biology, Sag could not contain himself. He screeched, a mixture of shock and disgust.

Their minds were blown, momentarily. But, then, life continued. Gem asked the question of why a word that means the act of creating life would be given the designation of "worst" curse word and I didn't have an answer, other than to agree that it doesn't make sense.

Sometimes being a parent is awesome. This was one of those times :-)

Reunited

...and it feels so good! The reunion last night was so much fun. I think there were well over 100 people there...so many that I didn't get to talk to everyone who I would have liked to have caught up with. (Our class was under 200.) Marc and Erin and Peter were there from my old gang. Robert, Norman, Laura and William were not. It was very relaxed and somehow cozy. Lots of hugs and genuine connection. Being such a small class and being together from 7th through 12th grades, as a class (you can only enter the school as a 7th grader), makes a crucial difference in attachment and camaraderie, I think. We got back to my mom's an hour past the time I had told the kids we'd be back. I was expecting Gem to be upset, but it was Sag who screamed, "where were you?!?", and burst into tears when we walked in at midnight. Poor guy...I felt so bad.

Morning round up

(I need an attitude adjustment...)

• started The Horse Boy...an interesting read so far about a father's journey in healing his son

• watched The Furies last night with Cap...part cheese, part intense, all fun

• cleaning the kids' room in order to vacuum it...so a bunch of kids can trash it again tomorrow

• the scarf ended up being 13.5 feet long...what the...

• Farmer John was a no-show at the farmer's market...Cap brought back locally grown goodies

• no one is getting enough sleep...especially Gem who is internally, uncontrollably, geared up to turn 9 next week

• trying to stay present but I want to escape my bad mood...

• off to my mom's later this afternoon...Thai for dinner and then my high school reunion...

Stashbusting

497 stitches across (+/- a few no doubt). Garter stitch (knit, knit, knit, and knit). Using leftover yarn from other projects. There is an intended recipient to celebrate a birthday, but I am entertaining thoughts of keeping it for myself. I like the memories the scraps bring me. And the memories going into the knitting.

Food for thought

"We humans are equipped with natural change abilities."

I'm becoming aware of potent and interesting connections between Native American and Traditional Chinese Medicine philosophies. The above is an excerpt from today's Elder meditation from the White Bison organization. A daily gift in my Inbox.

Reunion coming up

My 25th high school reunion, that is.

I just had my needed-to-get-it-out-of-the-way chat with Cap. Why pay $110 to go to a party? This is me we're talking about. I don't like parties. I shut down from the sensory overload and can usually be found in the corner staring dazedly into space.

But, look at the location. And this is a once every five years kind of thing. And I did have a good time at the 20th. And Cap wants to go which is a surprising twist. Twist! (30 Rock y'all check it out.)

We can walk there from my mom's, she'll be watching the kids, and there's no pressure. We'll just venture out into the late spring Manhattan night with no goal but to hold hands sans kids for awhile and have some fun.

I can do that.

Broccoli slaw

I read about this dish here. They heard about it here. I made it today and it's yummy. Fresh, textural, punches of flavor.

The recipe can be found at the second link. Sub away depending on what you have in the kitchen. Exact measurements are not important here. I used dried, sweetened cranberries and scallion today because that's what I had. I was all set to toss in pine nuts instead of the almonds, but a more thorough search of the fridge, for raisins, yielded some slivered almonds :-)

I had this with some home fries I made for Gem and it was a good lunch.

Julia, I hope this will reward your patience. I think you will like it.

Unfolding

My body's healing is unfolding and I am back to being able to hug my kids into a photo that they don't really want to be in... Fun and good.

But...

What do you do when your mind unfolds and you find yourself back somewhere you've been before? A place that is uncomfortable. That brings you down. Dread, tightening, anger.

Are you on a wheel where stepping off affords some relief only to step back on again?

Has there indeed been growth and change, but some of the old nigglies persist only to be banished once completely dealt with?

Is life simply a house of mirrors that does not differentiate between good and bad, but simply reflects one or the other depending on which way you turn?

Last night, again, I felt the walls closing in. Strongly. I'd been feeling it more benignly for days. Too much stuff, stuff overflowing, not enough space, piles seemingly everywhere I look, a kitchen that is never completely clean, dust visible on all smooth surfaces.

A couple of hours ago I heard myself saying to Karen, so much of it is in your mind. And this holds true for me, as well, as it does for you :-) The way I feel when I feel this way? It's all in me. No one else really has a problem with it. It's my problem.

I chip away, chip away, Cap helps as he can, but until I resolve what the heck it is that bugs me so about my situation, I will not find true relief.

In the meantime, I find peace where I can (see above), clear my head, and keep going.

You never know

When Gem was born, I dove into motherhood like gangbusters. We waited five years, but in my way, I had been waiting most of my life for him. I was in labor for a week, he made his entrance nearly two weeks past his due date, and delivery was arduous and tricky (there is a great story that has become part of the "Delivery" segment of this experience...but that is for another time.)

Shortly after he was born (I had enough time to gaze upon his paleness and note that his skin tone came from his father), he was whisked away. Meconium in the amniotic fluid, needed a boost of O2, I sent Cap to watch over him...I needed some tending to myself.

The members of the Special Care unit that Gem was placed in (5 day course of antibiotics, standard protocol for possible meconium ingestion) were responsive to and supportive of my efforts to breastfeed Gem. We were able to nurse, they stopped giving him formula immediately, and when they urged me to get more rest (I was anemic), I pumped and Cap fed him, or, one of the nurses would give him the middle-of-the-night bottle of mama's milk.

Five days later we were home and the unexpected drama faded fast. Gem drank like a champ, started growing rolls of flesh, and I was in heaven.

But, within three months we were sitting with him in Children's Hospital in Boston. He'd been having bloody stools for a few weeks. I'd eliminated most foods from my diet, one by one, to try to figure out what I might be consuming that his little digestive system could not tolerate. No luck, still bleeding. I knew what was coming and was desperate to avoid it.

Gem and I stopped nursing when he was four and a half months old. Emotionally, it was really hard and still brings tears to my eyes. Though the tears nowadays are for a new mother who didn't realize what was opening up when closing the door to breastfeeding.

I came across this photo of Gem and me last night. I was moved by his posture. How he is tucked right into me, his fingers rubbing my ear. He is about two and a half. I was also struck by the picture-speaks-a-thousand-words-ness of the moment. If you feed and nurture a child, no matter what the particular delivery system might be, or the chemical make-up of said sustenance, there will be a powerful connection between you while you "nurse".

Gem and I look no less a mama and her nursling in this picture than Sag and I do in pictures of us nursing. (He nursed till he was three years old so I did get extended nursing time in with one of my kids...there are some stories there too.)

Speaking of Sag, he may not have made it to this world had I not stopped breastfeeding Gem as early as I did. It has occurred to me, often, that if we had ever gotten to a point of "planning" for a second child, that we never would have found the "right" time (always a number of rational reasons to wait.) The Universe saw the small window of opportunity and tossed Sag our way.

You never know.

College daze

Scanning away

Damn...how fun is scanning old photos into the computer? The scanner on our old printer never worked so this totally-up-my alley activity has been a long time coming. That's me and my moms in January of '67.

I am nearly back to normal. Once I started improving, recovery has been fast. I can still feel a sharp pain in my ribs if I breathe deeply, laugh or take a regular breath while twisted just so. Maybe an x-ray is not such a bad idea. I was wiped by late afternoon and was feeling PMS-y emotional by early evening.

The kids, Gem in particular, has been a bit of a mess this evening.

I was like a kid trying to shake a wad of scotch tape off my finger by shaking my hand every which way trying to get free of the kids. Their usual patter and energy were grating on my nerves and I just wanted some peace. When I told them to go to their room, he lost it and has been teary ever since.

Once I came to my senses, I went in there (by then Sag was also crying under the covers) and we calmed down together. Had a bite to eat and then picked up "a path" in their room (the emergency pathway free of legos and whatnot so that they can exit through either door in the dark without hurting themselves...they never do...it's really for us grown ups).

Gem said he's been feeling more sensitive lately and then he reminded me he gets this way as his birthday approaches. That had occurred to me in the last few weeks because he has been a touch more sensitive, but then being out of commission for four days, I had forgotten.

It is really cool to see him able to express himself and his self-awareness.

I think it's been hard for them to see me in pain and not able to interact with me as they normally do. Now that I'm up and about, some of that is bubbling up and out, as it should.

Sag's probably going to be stressing a bit as he watches Gem have a birthday...namely seeing the presents he gets. This too shall pass.

I'll leave y'all with another scanned oldie :-) This is Marc and me about to leave for our prom. Which I'm pretty sure we took the subway to. I know we did coming home, I'll never forget riding the train home at dawn.

Tulip tree blossoms

Holly was over the other day and excitedly exclaimed over the tulip tree blossoms scattered about on the driveway. Honestly, I think I would have missed this year's bloom had this moment not occurred. Here's a shot of the pretties still in the tree.