How am I doing this?
• watching my caffeine intake/timing.
• going to bed as early as I can (midnight these days...shooting for 10:30/11:00).
• taking my Chinese herbs/practicing Qigong (herbs I am good at, Qigong is still not happening much).
• putting my sleep needs ahead of the kids' and Cap's without totally abandoning them.
For me, being fat/overweight is both a natural and unnatural state. I identify very much with Oprah in terms of being someone for whom the pendulum between "optimal" weight and "natural" weight swings back and forth frequently...and seemingly without cease.
"Number" weight isn't all encompassing, but I find it a useful way to talk about weight because it is a language easily accessed by most. I am very physically "dense". I have no idea whether it's the proverbial "big boned" thing or what, but even at my "thinnest", I've been heavier than anyone would expect. (For example, fitting into size 4 jeans and weighing 130-something pounds.)
After this Spring I have swung to the heavier side of the spectrum. 172 for anyone keeping track. (Which, of course, is no one. That was me being semi-defensive against a random voice in my head.) Funny story, my eyes are really starting to go (on my third or fourth bi-focal scrip and most people only require two), and for a few days I thought the scale was saying 167. I'd marveled to Cap that despite a Spring of going off Paleo I'd only gained two pounds.
I have some issues with "looking" fat. But, as I age, I am finding my focus has shifted less from concern over how I look and more towards how I feel. There is no denying it. When I go off the Paleo rails, eventually, I start to feel physically old. Aches and pains galore flare up and it takes some will not to pop an Advil or two. I have long (long) flirted along the outskirts of various chronic-type modern maladies: fatigue, anxiety, depression...all of these settle down on me quite firmly when I am not eating Paleo.
Actually, depression has not come back easily. I have been happier in the last year. I will insert here that the label/diagnosis "depression" has never sat well with me when it came to me. I know I have "presented" that way a number of times in my adult life, but there was always a small whisper inside that said, "really?" I never quite believed it. (I think my mood/energy are affected by various factors including: hormones, chemicals, food, digestion, movement, time outdoors, the weather, the emotional weather around me, sensory input/overload...in a nutshell, my tends-toward-higher sensitivity.)
Anyhoo, this is all to say that I am starting a Whole 30 tomorrow. I've pulled out my Whole 30 book and some cookbooks. Our weekly CSA share arrives this evening, tomorrow I will hit the kitchen full force. I will finish the Whole 30 right before our trip to California...during which time I intend to eat whatever I want...but have fancied ordering my super burrito on a plate sans tortilla...we'll see.
I've also pulled out Master Lu's hormone-free menopause book. And I have been visualizing a return to the elliptical machine at the Y...waiting for that one to manifest as my sleep makes a firmer, truer shift. I practiced Qigong a tiny bit this morning. A re/start. (Our CSA farmer's report, which was in my inbox this morning, stated that there is no high heat in the longterm forecast after this week till mid-August, which will help get me outdoors for walks around the block...though he also said this current heatwave was not predicted...)
In the meantime, the things I read add nourishment to my moments here on Earth:
• some words from Pema.
• on refrigerator blindness and how to cure it.
• mung bean dosa recipe. (Gem and Cap loves dosas.)
• and the following, which Ane Axford posted on Facebook. it's something I've considered for myself but have not been able to successfully integrate. which has resulted, over and over again, in "avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal". during this "rebuilding" Summer, I am tossing this idea, a "space of my own", into the mix.
I haven't met an HSP yet who doesn't need a space of their own to be alone in a predictable way. It's important to have your own sacred space with protective boundaries to allow you alone time and solitude when and how you need it. It is important to inform anyone who needs to be informed about what these protective boundaries are so that they can intentionally be observed. This is much different that avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal. This is time with yourself away from stimulation. When your nervous system is always taking in and processing, you need quiet protected space to be with you and you alone.
We are each different with the time we need and the type of space we need to be alone. Some like the forest or a long walk, others like an altar in a special room in your home. Some like an hour a day and others like a day a week, and some can only get 20 minutes (parents!). Given your lifestyle and your circumstances, imagine what time with yourself would feel good right now where you are. You don't need to get anything new, just arrange what you have in a new way. And, maybe it does feel important to you to get something new. Listen and trust in what your sensitive body tells you when you ask it what all-one time looks like for you. If it feels like a big relaxing sigh and you can breathe easier when you think of it, you have it!
~ Ane Axford
2 comments:
So many thoughts here. You are so brave in this blog; I know I could not be so outspoken.
Isn't life complex? Weight, depression, sensitivity, a place of one's own, children, significant others, food, sleep, and so forth. And they all connect together for each person in a particularly complex way.
I think trying for a drug-free menopause is great. And I also know, deep down, the struggle between exercise and sleep. You simply cannot exercise when you are sleep-deprived. It's good that you are going to put your sleep needs ahead of the others; after all, you can't take care of them if you are not at your best. in my years of insomnia, I gained weight. I craved carbos and had not enough oxygen to get out there and push myself. However, walks are great and will help with the sleep issue.
And depression: I was actually happy when I was diagnosed; I just thought I was weaker than everyone else and 'felt more deeply'. However, it clearly runs in my family, given the Irish melancholy, and I am fine with taking the medication. It brings me up to a normal level of functioning. Depression also interferes with sleep, however, so you might think about that.
It's all a process of figuring out what works for you and makes you happy. And if you are comfortable in your body, that's fine! I think you look great, and I am glad to see you so happy!
A very heartfelt thank you, Sue. For always reading and caring. Hugs.
Post a Comment