Burst

Underwater.  In stasis.

Flummoxed.  Dismayed. 

I had a tiny bit of PMS at the end of last cycle.  Then DMS (during menstrual syndrome) after my period started which was more intense.  Then after barely a week in between I went into what I was jokingly describing as POS (pre-ovulation syndrome).  Which I've never experienced before.

I ain't laughing anymore.  Last night I experienced a powerful surge of chemical storminess that had me flailing and shrieking for a lifeline.  Problem is, how I am feeling doesn't translate well during such moments and I appeared to Cap a bitter and angry hormonal maniac.

Two things happened back-to-back that on a "normal" day I would find barely to a little annoying.  I know because they are things that have happened before.  Familiar.  When I am PMS hormonal, these familiar non-events suddenly bloom into problems with no solutions and drive me crazy. 

I take it personally, really hard.

In the last year or so, the surges have not been so difficult/I have found it easier to ride them out while silencing the beast, so to speak.  I've been much more able to just keep my mouth shut knowing that how I felt was going to pass.

Not so much last night.  I opened my mouth wide and the scream was not silent.

Fury, hurt, fear (of rejection), utter and base desperation...where does it all come from?  Is it old stuff buried/held in me?  Is it less emotional and more powerfully chemical (from having consumed more grain/gluten lately...from having switched up my herbs...from a new perimenopausal level reached)?

Unleashed.  Unhinged.

After my system, which literally felt like it blew up, restored some equilibrium, hindsight refocused immediately to 20/20.  But, by then, the damage had been done to my partner.  It was a TKO and he climbed into bed before I did.  Which, almost never happens.  Unless he's sick.

I attacked.  Viral (hopefully not bacterial).  Took my baby down.

My blood was throbbing.  I took some emergency herbs.  Watched the penultimate episode of Weeds on my laptop.  And went to bed.

One kid climbed in and then another.  Their warm bodies anchored me as I was buffeted about by dreary dreams.  When I awoke, I swear, my belly felt crampy.  My first thought: am I getting my period again (two weeks early)?  My second thought: am I having a miscarriage (even though, technically, structurally, there is no way this could be true)?

Lingering crazy.  (But that's how strong the throes were last night.  I felt like I was in the clutches of something impossible.)

In TCM, an episode of diarrhea can be viewed positively.  It's an example of the body/system expelling something that had been stuck...something that it doesn't need or want.  I am wondering if I can take this perspective with last night's episode of what felt like chemical/emotional vomiting.

At least now that this has happened, I can raise my awareness and cordon myself off next time: to spew in private and clean myself up before re-entering relationship to others.  Interestingly, I have never liked vomiting (I know...who does?)  Something about the loss of control...

(I have a deep old rusty need to keep stuff in.  In such diametric opposition to my Aquarian nature.  Maybe this is why my shoulders/neck are so tight lately?)

I can see now that when I am feeling that PMS-y vomit coming on, I have an instinct to latch onto Cap for protection. 

For saving.

But, no one can save you from vomiting.  The instinct might feel real, but in reality it simply doesn't make sense.  Vomit needs to happen, it's actually good for you, and it is unstoppable.

Listen to your body.

I'm outie.  Busy day ahead.  Thank you for reading.

Peace.