Jiji visits NJ

A rousing game of Yahtzee (is there any other way to play?) followed by lunch out at Legal Seafood with Ellie and Lisa.

Morning meditation

Kelly and the girls

Always an injection of bright, happy energy. Today Kelly brought fresh water chestnuts and Armenian lentil stew. Very yummy. Cap had all six kids out back for awhile and I had the chance to bounce some future career thoughts off of my good friend. Wonderful company with whom to while away an afternoon.

Revving up

Woke up this morning in not such a good mood. As patient as I can be, I have my moments of expecting change to be quick. And when I drag during such times, physically or mentally, I get frustrated and question myself ("what is wrong with me?")

Luckily, Cap was home this morning so I took a walk. Getting outside always helps when I'm feeling this way. The kids never want to walk with me. Which is fine since it gives me some space to myself. Me and nature.

I came home and then was able to talk to a friend. This is always such a balm, as well. It's amazing how quickly a bad mood can snowball when you feel alone in your experience. And the aloneness has more to do with the circumstances of that physical moment more than anything else. But, the physical aloneness morphs rapidly into an existential aloneness...vulnerability breeds more vulnerability and soon I'm just a hot mess.

With my head and heart back in place, I played Chinese Checkers with Gem and then Sag, Gem and I played Yahtzee. It was a lot of fun. From there it was on to lunch and the arrival of Lukas and Anna for some play.

Once I was alone in the kitchen, I dug out the farm season's first spinach and sautéed it with garlic scape, sweet onion, sea salt and olive oil. Heaven. Serenity. Peace.

I've been listening to this Josh Ritter cd a lot lately and really like it.

Blast from the past

I just scanned this one. I am 7 1/2, the same age Sag is right now. I remember loving that bikini :-)

Normal CT

The chest CT came back normal. My doctor e-mailed me last night at 10:06pm. I knew she would get back to me yesterday, but didn't quite believe and shut my computer off at 9:45.

She is flummoxed. She wants to take a look at the chest x-rays to make some sense of this. The CT is the more accurate diagnostic tool, so I am now in fully optimistic mode.

Stay tuned.

All it takes

...is a burst of love.

I was sulky.

I took Vinny's advice and rested this evening. Had the apartment to my self for a couple of hours. I ate a simple and delicious dinner, watched Rescue Me, and then started Into The Wild. I was waiting for word from my doctor and needed some distraction. Having finished my book and last knitting project, a movie sounded good.

Well, this movie, though beautifully acted and filmed, with a true and moving story, was a total downer. Really sad. And to top it off, I kept checking my e-mail, but to no avail. I still do not have my chest CT results.

I did get some instant gratification and love on Facebook, which I appreciated, but when Gem got close for a photo, well, that changed everything. A little love really goes a long way.

Vertical strip garter stitch scarf

It's done and it's wonderful. 84" x 5 1/2". Used up four "odds and ends" skeins. I will definitely knit something like this again. It's a nice way to put a dent in the stash, as well as, use up some of the yarn you have left over from finished projects. Mixing the yarn up gives you a more unique look, and it's fun not knowing quite how it will come together till you get it off the needles and wrapped around a neck.


I look so wan in those pictures taken this morning. Here's another one taken now. I went out on a walk with Leo and Danielle. We ran some errands and then sat down for some crêpes for lunch. Yum. We split one savory and one sweet: spinach, feta, and onion, and banana and nutella.

I still look tired, but the fresh air gave me some color. The light has the strange glow of a coming storm. I hear we're in for another week of rain. I actually don't mind the unseasonably cool weather. Though the incessant rain is tough on our local farmers (which will be reflected in our CSA shares this summer).

Finished The Strain. Waiting for the second and third books is going to be tough! (Due out in 2010 and 2011 respectively.)

Weeds is back, funny as ever, and I'm checking out Nurse Jackie. I like it so far. The Closer is giving me that feeling that watching Law and Order: SVU did...a discomfort with what I perceived as a voyeurism with crimes that really happen and affect the lives of others. I eventually stopped watching SVU and wonder if The Closer will go that way, too.

Still waiting to hear the chest CT results.

My very own "red" space

Last month I had a rare non-period, period. 4-5 days of spotting and that was it. No discomfort of any sort (physical or emotional). You may think, hey, that sounds GREAT! But, the reality was five weeks of hanging in limbo...in an imbalance that was tipped towards negative, dark, and sad.

This cycle things are back to usual...with a vengeance. Since my life lacks a menstrual hut, I am creating my own "red" space today.

Reading my book, giving the new-to-me Josh Ritter cd The Animal Years a listen, probably finishing the scarf I am knitting, and having a well-timed piece of carrot cake. The kids and I will head over to Danielle's after Lukas and Owen get home from school.

The emphasis on consciously making this my day, a day centered on rest, renewal and rejuvenation, taps into pools of peace and well-being. It feels good. A return to balance.

I can feel a lift within myself. A shift in energy. A lightening. This is a happy thing and I am grateful.

Being

"After all, we are human beings not human doings."

That's from today's meditation. Having grown up in, and remaining ensconced in, a culture that values "doing", I often feel out-of-place/radical/on-the-fringe, and sometimes even guilty about, focusing on "being".

We can serve others and learn from others by being peaceful, patient and humble ourselves.

Soul mate cartoon

Love this.

Dreamy sleep

I almost never remember my dreams. Which leads me to believe that I rarely dream. Last night I had vivid dreams involving discomfort, relieving myself, lack of privacy and a toilet that turned into a mattress. I didn't get enough sleep last night (again). Sag ended up snuggled next to me (again). One of the times I woke up in the middle of the night it was because of a loud, crashing storm (again).

I woke up around 6am and stumbled out to the living room. Checked e-mail and then snuggled into the sleeping bag on the couch and read some chapters of The Strain. Sag joined me and then Gem woke up. Somehow, amongst their chatter and bodies, I fell back asleep around 8:45. I half-heard Cap scoot them into their room and I slept for an hour.

That was when a deeper chamber was unlocked and my fears about what is going on with my body came rushing out in dream-form. It was powerful, scary, multi-sensory, and so cathartic. It served as a good reminder for why sleep is so important. Sleep allows our unconsciousness to play out our worries, our ever evolving emotional and spiritual processes, and this type of energy movement has a positive impact on our ohysical health, as well. Sleep is, truly, a way we can heal ourselves.

The chest CT was quick and uneventful. My doctor should have the report by tomorrow.

The family that eats together...

We gathered today to celebrate Gem turning 9. He requested tuna fish sushi and helped Baba roll some.

My dad was able to come before he flew out to Lincoln for a business meeting. I overheard him testing the kids' multiplication as he jumped right into catching up with them (they only see each other every few months).

We hadn't seen my cousin, Momoko, in awhile. She's doing well. Interning for an architect-designer, continuing her grueling studies, and still working part-time at the restaurant.

Ellie was a kick, as usual. I got to play with her and then unexpectedly have a snuggle. Sorry for the lack of photos of Ellie today. I was too busy just "being" with her :-)

There was much delighted opening of lego sets and other toys, noshing, chatting, and relaxing. A really lovely afternoon.

On the menu: tuna fish rolls, cucumber rolls, umeboshi-cucumber rolls, tamagoyaki, deviled eggs, green salad with cuke, grape tomatoes, and sliced almonds, garlic scape pesto and homemade brown rice crackers, pickles, garlic stuffed green olives, watermelon, chicken apple sausage, red bush iced tea with agave, limeade, potato chips, and for dessert, GFCF carrot cake with white coconut frosting.

Really frikkin' delicious, all of it.

Keep moving

Woke up in a mild panic. Very unusual for me. *Sigh* Touched Cap's arm, the skin-on-skin contact helped some. Much to do which will serve to distract at the very least. Gots to keep on moving.



Okay. I feel a bit better now. Silly fun is good for that :-)

Just curious

My 1000th post is coming up. I'm in the 900s right now. I'm thinking of a celebration contest. Leave a comment if you have any ideas for prizes, contest content, etc.

Return of the scape

Yes. It's that time of year. Farmer John has garlic scape. We're doing CSA with him this season, our shares start next week. Today we bopped down to the farmer's market to see if he had scape. I wanted to make some pesto for my family tomorrow. There will be deviled eggs for my brother, olives for Mike, tunafish sushi for Gem, tamagoyaki for Sag, and carrot cake for me (Gem didn't want cake or singing so I made a special request to our resident cake maker). There will be something for everyone, but you know how there are certain foods that become permanently associated with that person...

We ran into Kelly and the girls at Stix. The sidewalk sale and outdoor knitting (today is World Wide Knit In Public Day :-) had been moved indoors due to rain. I looked for bargains, but nothing leapt out at me and I kept thinking of the wonderful skeins at home waiting to be knit up. (I'd also placed an order for knitting "stuff" earlier in the morning: blocking boards, wires and pins, a bottle of Eucalan wool wash, and a set of wooden sock knitting needles that I have wanted for over a year.)

Lukas and Owen just arrived to play. I'm going to tackle some laundry that needs folding. Cap is writing, editing, revising... It's a wet, cool, and quiet afternoon here.

Another update

TB test is negative. Insurance approved the Chest CT. It is scheduled for Monday morning. Thanks, y'all. Now go have a great start to the weekend.

Keeping it simple, taking it slow

The truth is that I tend to this anyway. Or at least strive to. Check out the Zen Habits post I shared last night in the Shared Items box. I think I'm going to print that one out and slap it up on the wall here. Right where I will see it multiple times a day.

On Gem's birthday I found myself getting really angry at two different people...at e-mails they sent me. I knew then that I was not at peace inside. So yesterday I really slowed it down. I read, I frogged the 13 foot long scarf (turned out to be unexpectedly meditative), fixed easy and simple food for me and the kids and enjoyed a scrumptious dinner made by Cap, listened to Josh Ritter, etc.

The most important thing I did towards my end goal was to not feel bad about completely letting go and just being. Something we should all be doing every day, but something our assorted baggage rarely lets us do. We "should" be doing this, we "should" be doing that. The guilt, the self-loathing, the confusion...not peaceful.

This is the book I started reading this morning. Some delicious horror à la Stephen King. The Strain by Guillermo Del Toro (writer/director of Pan's Labyrinth, a movie I loved) and Chuck Hogan.

Looking forward to another peaceful day. How about you?

Hugged

A damn good brownie

I've written about it before, I'll probably write about it again. I love these brownies. Cap baked the batch yesterday and used a different dark chocolate. I could taste the difference. I'll take 'em either way, but appreciated the change of flavor experience.

Brownies bring together key elements of an excellent dessert: chocolate, cakiness, sweet with a dash of savory.

Baseball, strawberry juice, and evening sky

The kids are getting into baseball. They are learning by watching (the Red Sox), listening (to Cap), and doing (on their own at the playground here). At their own pace, on their own time.



The night that Cap and I attended my 25th high school reunion, my mom watched the kids. Here they turned dessert, fresh strawberries from the farmer's market, into juice. It takes quite a number of strawberries to yield juice of significant amount.

The lone photo I took that night. I saw this in the evening sky as we walked to Grand Central Station. I was way too immersed to take pictures once I was at the reunion. So many people to hug and talk to, so little time.