Cycle of fantasy

I have, as far back as I can remember, had an active fantasy life. It's not something I talk about much and it's not something I've thought about much.

It is rich enough that it can occupy my non-fantasy self and mind...it can bleed through and cause problems. I have caught myself longing for something I fantasize about, in real life.

This would sometimes make me feel guilty. Sometimes it makes me feel like a freak. And always, there was the danger that my natural intuitiveness would not be enough to rein in my also natural impulsiveness and gullibility. The fantasy would start to make more sense to me than my reality.

I've been thinking some more about what Silke talked to me about earlier this week. And applying it to my reality. I have my period and I also saw Vinny and I feel as though some creaky old iron gates have been pushed open. Not wide, but there's enough room for clear forms to walk through. Not wisps, not fog, no slinking or slithering. Some striding has been afoot (pun not intended..but the shoe fits!!!)

So. "PMS" (which doesn't have to come "pre-" by the way) for me has traditionally meant moodiness. When I was younger, I remember feelings of depression/sadness which were probably linked to my cycle. More recently (post-kids) the moods range more towards irritability and rage (sleep deprivation, anyone?)

Even more recently (last few years) I've begun to recognize that Cap and I fight more when I have PMS. Things that don't bother me for three weeks of the month, or do bother me, but I can let go of, suddenly become magnified and my feelings get so set on edge that during that week, I can't let go, won't back down, and we fight.

Today, I am starting to think about how my fantasy life is swooping in to save me from some of the rockiness I am feeling this week. And I realized that I never associated the activity level of my fantasies as being connected to my cycle.

So, bearing in mind what Silke said (and Dr. Lu would agree with, according to Kelly), I am transforming this time of having my period. I am viewing it as a gift, a chance to see deeper into what I am thinking and feeling. To be more brave about truly seeing so that I can act on getting rid of crap more fully, making more space for joy and peace and love.

My fantasy self this week has been bathed in the attention of a loving and present and giving being. It has felt secure and adored and utterly taken care of. God, it makes me feel so vulnerable just saying that out loud in my head while typing the words on the screen.

But, good, too. And so I then begin to struggle against identifying with the fantasy "me" too much. To keep myself grounded in my actual life despite the attraction that my fantasy life holds.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm mostly trying to keep straight as I face these revelations. Working with some more adjustments (see yesterday's post :-)