Less is more but I want more

Breakfast. Toasted walnuts and Master Lu's "Digestion" tea with honey. If you have never toasted walnuts and eaten them warm, please do. I don't think you will regret it (unless you're allergic to walnuts). I just toss a handful into my little skillet and heat them up. You do have to be mindful so the nuts don't burn/smoke. They are so rich and robust and warming.

The tea is a staple for me and the kids. A member of the family, really.

This plant keeps growing! I am concerned that the pale green leaf is suffering from lack of space/nutrients. I really must find a bigger pot for this plant which thrives, not despite me, which I had long thought, but because of me.

So...the wanting more. I want a camera. And an iPod (with a deck for the kitchen and to be able to connect to the car stereo). I am inclined to just get these items for myself. Dip right into the savings which really isn't savings because we still owe my parents money for rescuing us from credit card debt.

Ego and will.

Sleep

I'm dreaming more. Falling asleep more easily. Staying asleep. I am not waking comfortably. My stomach/gut continues to announce itself with some form of heat. And I don't feel rested though I definitely have more energy when I open my eyes.

I love that Dragon's Way is a 24 hour process. That my qi is moving and flowing even as I sleep.

Practiced #10 for 5 minutes yesterday morning. Let's see what I can do this morning.

Winding down

Gem always has a little something to eat and drink before going to bed. It seems to me to border on being a compulsion, but I am not here to judge. Let's call it a ritual...part of his rhythm.

I find it deeply satisfying to have a clean kitchen at the end of the day. It fills me with peace. Are you reading this, Cap? ;-)

Sag has taken to hanging the dream catcher right by his pillow to keep the bad dreams at bay. The amazing thing about this dream catcher, which my parents brought home to us from a trip out west years and years ago, is that it works. Every time that someone has given it intention, for protection, it has come through for us.

This has been their set up for awhile. Sometimes, Sag gets up into his lower bunk, but more often than not, they sleep together on the floor.

Their new slippers arrived today. Gem's are kind of hilarious. In real life they look like they're made of Elmo. For real. Sierra Trading Post came through with free shipping and everything.

Good night to you.

Enough about me

Mason and Gabriel are over. DS and banana bread and talk of various super heroes and alternate universes. Life is good.

So...

...seeing Vinny was, as usual, very helpful. He was very directed in his work on my body and energy and I felt so much more like the me that is familiar and true afterward. It's always a relief, and quite moving, to be returned to myself. 'Cause it all feels real when it's happening, the good, the crazy, the bad. But, it feels best when it's the good. Landing on terra firma.

He recommended that I ease into the foods this week and that if I cut out meat and dairy, that's good enough. He stressed that the qi gong practice is more important to hook into. We discussed movement #10, which is my Achilles' heel. No discussion, actually, it just needs to be done. The more I do it, the better it will be for me.

#10: The Dragon Stands Between Heaven and Earth. My nemesis. I think of it as a standing meditation pose. The challenge for me is that I find it very difficult to quiet my mind. And stay still. And have some discipline. Sigh. It is not complicated...I have a serious block against it.

So, I enjoyed our meal at Yifat and Max's. I stayed away from meat and dairy, though I could not refuse the chocolate chip cupcake topped with pomegranate whipped cream. Max whipped the cream and added pomegranate molasses to it, his own flourish, which he was so excited to share with us. At the best of times, life distills down to the giving and receiving of love, whatever form that takes.

P.S. I have broken out in itchy hives on my lower legs and forearms. It's possible that they are bug bites, but unlikely. I think I would have felt or heard it getting bit so many times in such a short span of time.

P.P.S. Talking to Yifat tonight illuminated some things for me...so lucky and grateful to have insightful and caring friends.

Abundance of cuteness

A certain abundance of cuteness is turning 2. We will be celebrating his birthday this weekend in Plympton.

Inspired by a hat that Melody recently knit for one of her boys, I went stash diving and found some Wool-Ease Chunky that Gem had picked out awhile ago for a project, which has since been abandoned.

I started the hat using one pattern and ended with Melody's pattern. (Thanks, Melody!) It knit up quickly and is cozy...but it is also incredibly dense. I wondered if it would be too heavy, but it feels okay.

Gem thinks it looks like an Acorn Hat. I'm inclined to agree. Cute, cozy, washable...pretty perfect.

Lull

I feel like I am in a cocoon. The sounds I hear are muted. Sensation...subsided.

Gem came to me around 3am and though I sensed him, I didn't wake right away. And when I did, my mind was alert, but my body was comatose. I was able to get my mouth to work well enough to rouse Cap so he could help him.

I woke on my own at 5:20. Probably because I was drenched in sweat. It was the oddest thing. The night clothes I had on were nearly soaked through. I was discombobulated till I realized I needed to change because I was uncomfortable. Afterward, I fell back asleep.

I woke again shortly before 8am. But, it took my body about half and hour to catch up, which is when I finally got out of bed. The boys' bodies felt warm and good on either side of me.

It's amazing...powerful to feel the effects of Dragon's Way at night, in my sleep. I don't understand, but I hold on.

I don't understand, but I hold on. Those were words that came to me via White Bison this morning. Words that bring light to moments that could go either way, light or dark.

I foresee a quiet day. Vinny this afternoon and common meal at Yifat and Max's tonight.

I am not hungry this morning.

Grrr

Oh, I am in a mood.

Three loads of laundry folded while watching three episodes of tv. Up too late with cranky kids who are overtired. Working on a semi-stealth knitting project, with a deadline, that is starting to feel like it's not going to work. And, guess what? I'm hungry! Take me away, sleep, take me away.

Ahhh

This is the smile brought on by egg whites.

As Gem and I drove home from the Y, I started thinking about bread. And eggs. By the time we were home I was getting wigged out. I was close to tears wanting a fried egg sandwich. With mayo.

Cap had rice going in the rice cooker so I decided to wait for that and to sauté something to go with it. Scallion, red onion, olive oil, salt, pepper, and two egg whites. It was heavenly.

I am noticing already how boosted the flavors of my food taste. And, how I didn't miss the bread, egg yolk or mayo. Gonna keep on truckin'.

It's in the genes

It's weird to start resembling my mother's face after a lifetime of not.

Fits and starts

Hungry, faint, all around wobbly continues. But, I'm less tired. I can detect that through the layers. I took a walk while chatting with Karen on the phone. A catching up and breathing out that felt good. She has been very sick. Wash those hands, people.

I came home and hit the kitchen. I'm doing my cooking and eating on the fly. I sautéed scallions, mushrooms and tofu in olive oil and added a dash of Bragg's. I was consumed by a frenetic energy from being so hungry. I starting eating as I walked through the apartment and to the computer.

What on Earth? I'm always getting on the kids to not walk through the apartment while eating and if I ever see anyone with food or drink anywhere near the computer, I'm all hell to the no!

It'll smooth out. I know. But, the crazy...wow.

Gathering qi

Kelly helped me with her wise and loving words yesterday. (Thank you :-)

She explained that doing Dragon's Way in the Fall is different than the Spring. Because we here in the northern hemisphere are internally driven to begin storing fat for the winter, it feels counter, not only to intuition, but to the way our bodies "feel", to cut out animal fats and proteins. And to be eating less. And not carbing up.

It feels very different to me. 24 hours in, I am hungry. I was hungry and grumpy by yesterday afternoon and this morning I haven't gotten past movement 6 because my hunger is driving me to distraction. I woke hungry, fed my online self, then began to practice. Gem woke up and migrated to the big bed.

Sag woke up and migrated, too, but he didn't fall back asleep and came back out soon afterward. His "tummy" hurt. I deflected his request to play with the DS and we snuggled and I rubbed his stomach spots on his feet and legs. Then he asked me to read to him which is a rare occurrence and I jumped at the chance. He chose a classic: Captain Underpants :-)

Funny how spending authentic time with your child (or anyone, really) can stave off the pangs of hunger for a spell. What's magical is when spending time with the words of a friend can do the same.

What Kelly told me yesterday was this: think of this process as storing qi. Transform the urge to store fat to the urge to store qi. That's what the Dragon's Way is: replenishing your personal bank of qi...most of us grown ups are operating with a deficit of qi, or with a teetering barely balance. Most of us are unaccustomed to even feel our qi and so the urge to have it in abundance, to gather it when we need more, is not primal.

But, maybe it never is... Maybe that sort of balance just "is" and there is no urgency that accompanies it. Maybe what I think I need to feel is moot. But, I can think of this hunger in a different way. Shift it, to make it work for me, rather than against me.

Mark Sandman/Morphine

Mark Sandman was a musician embedded in the Cambridge/Boston music scene. At the time we were living in Cambridge, he was in a band called Morphine. (The name of the band was apparently derived from Morpheus, the god of dreams, rather than the painkiller... though, sadly, he probably knew a thing or two about those having been robbed and stabbed in the chest while driving a cab...)

I don't know what brought me back to Morphine yesterday while YouTube surfing. I haven't listened to them in many, many years. But, I stumbled upon their music again, there they were, and it was amazing. His voice, their sound, the words, the mood... Beautiful, haunting, romantic...hooking into me more at 43 than it did at 30.

Mark died in 1999 at the age of 46. His heart gave out while performing.

C-c-c-crashing

Grumpy. Hungry. Class looking less and less likely with each passing minute.

Sag's GI system is not cooperating. I've put in a call to my brother to see if he can come watch the kids after work. But, he hasn't called back...he may not even be in the state for all I know (he travels frequently for work).

I'm realizing there's a connection between feeling bored and eating.

And today when our plans to go to the park and meet up with friends were scrapped because of aforementioned uncooperative GI system, the perky energy from earlier in the day was gone, taking with it any natural inclination to do something productive like wash the kitchen floor.

I'm feeling a little dizzy. But, I'm also already feeling some clarity in my system. I feel a lightening. Hence the dizziness perhaps... Talking in circles. Time to go.

I've toasted some walnuts and been noshing on those. Making spaghetti with meat sauce for the Y-chromosomers. I am jonesing for some eggs. But, I will sauté mushrooms and scallions and tofu for my dinner instead. Maybe I'll make some apple or pear compote for the morning.

DW week 1, day 1

I am feeling it. Deep joy. Dragon's Way starts today.

I look tired. I am tired. And my face and body are full from all the meat and cheese and ice cream I've been consuming this week...ostensibly to say "good-bye". I had onion rings a couple of days ago. I hadn't had onion rings, a food I used to love, in a long time actually.

I noticed that the letting go of these foods was very mental, as opposed to, physical. But, emotional nourishment through food is a big part of my relationship to eating. The shift that I am encouraging in myself is to dwell in the positive emotions and associations rather than the negative ones.

I woke up this morning to a child who needed help. I took a few breaths and got out of bed. And helped. He decided to stay awake. (And has been quite a snuggle bunny ...I think he's going to be tired this afternoon and evening.) (Another thought...the now nightly ritual of back rubs is opening him up in some wonderful ways...the snuggling...that kind of connection and nonverbal communication is so powerful.)

I check my "e-mail" a lot. This involves my actual e-mail account, Google Reader, Ravelry, and Facebook. In the morning, I usualy blog, as well. Well, as it worked out this morning, I wrote a blog post last night and set it to post for today. I wanted to clear some space for qi gong. I did still check my e-mail, but then I practiced qi gong for the first time in over a week...maybe two.

It was delicious. The gentle stretching of the tendons infuses me with well-being. Why why why why why then do I not practice every day? It's the frakking paradox of my life. I did movements #1-9. Still have a block going against #10. But, I figured I'd have the chance to practice that one tonight at the first class meeting.

Afterward I was perky with energy and showered, dropped off our library items and shopped for some healing foods, all before 10am. (Those of you who work 9-5 may feel horrified that this feels like some sort of accomplishment...being home with the kids is a whole different world for me...)

I made a veggie soup with red onion, garlic, ginger, celery, carrot and broccoli. I used some of the chicken stock I made the other day and tossed in some vegetable bouillon. Gem requested home fries so I spent some time peeling fingerling potatoes, some of which I was calling finger-tip-ling potatoes. The kids and I finished off a bowl of red grapes as I cooked and they read at the kitchen table.

I never got to toasting my walnuts, but did make watermelon "juice" for the first time using all the parts of a few slices of watermelon. I did drink half a small glass. I envisioned myself a dragon for that one. It was...challenging.

I actually am unsure that I will make it to class tonight. Sag's GI system continues to be sensitive and I'm not sure I want to saddle a friend with potentially having to deal with that and all it can entail...

Regardless, I am enjoying this shift in focus...the quiet energy...the lift in mood.

Fall Equinox

We went on our Fall Equinox walk a day early and without our usual companions. Silke, Roger and the kids have been in Germany all summer. They return at the end of the month. It will be so good to see them. They are missed.

Cap is up at school on Mondays this semester so we went on our pond walk on Sunday. It was a balmy, beautiful afternoon.

Happy Equinox. May you feel the power of balance today.