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Friday afternoon

...one writer-illustrator taking a lemon sorbet break.

...one Lego creator gathering the strands to make it work.


...one lover of stories adding another notch to the post of her imagination.

Keane

What I am listening to right now.

Murk

This is the shot:

Clear water. You are in the water...at least your eyes are...or your point of view. You brush your hand along the water's bottom. Billows of sand, grit, pebbles rise up. And you can no longer see anything. Except murk. You lose your bearings and you wobble. Panic is not advised. The particles will settle. Every last one. And clarity will return. Until next time.

I like to move it move it

Sag's current "it" tune.

Random

All of a sudden, threads of various shirts of mine are unraveling. Hems are unfolding. Trails follow as I move. Tails hang from assorted angles.

Lune

She lies still,

her countenance flat and smooth

like sheets tucking the corners of a bed.

Truth swells,

whitecaps breaking the surface,

traveling from the whorl of a moon shell hidden below.

Outtake,

a skip in the beating,

of air from the lookout.

Undulate physics,

time spirals space bends bodies move.

The mind defies principle.

Unifying Tao

holding all forks in the road,

multiples all resulting in One.

She lies still,

body and mind in fetal tuck

reaching back, reaching down.

Can't talk

...or write...or think clearly, as the case may be. I'm needed in other places...have boinged past my comfort zone...awash in fatigue, paralysis, negative feelings.

Back soon.

Trending positive

Truth be told, there was restlessness and internal drama earlier today. I was listening to Muse and Breaking Benjamin and not quite feeling sated. I started a poem but couldn't finagle the mental space or time to flesh much out. I was in my pajamas and read some Specials.

The kids and I headed over to Danielle's. I had a piece of flourless chocolate cake (D's birthday is tomorrow.) I played with Leo. Talked to my oldest friend in the world. Ducked out to Whole Foods for dinner stuff for the kids.

Fed the kids sushi (Gem) and cheese dogs (Sag) and then dropped them off at Silke's. Felt really good getting in the car to head to class because it was the first time Gem was staying there without one of us parents present and it was as if he had never had a problem with that before.

Class was great. There was a lot of connection and warm and loving energy. I learned some stuff about the kidney. The group practice was fantastic. Louise brought in some black sesame seed, walnut, cinnamon and honey balls she made and they were so good. Instant alignment of heart, soul and mind good. A hug from Kelly is always a treat and I got a couple tonight :-)

Picked up the kids (who when I pulled up were playing tag with Lukas and Anna in the dark around their magnolia tree and bench swing) and came home. Ordered some Chinese and had an incredible bowl of Chinese eggplant with spicy garlic sauce over fried rice.

Lay with the kids for an hour and talked and joked and massaged and listened and gazed. As much time and energy as they require, I get so much in return...

Feeling still and warm and content.

Oatmeal

There is a visceral satisfaction I get from feeding my children oatmeal*. (I am delighted that Sag has clambered onto the oatmeal wagon :-) It's "keeping it simple" to the max. It's nourishing and warming and comforting. It's body and soul love. Yes, I could go on and on.



* We use McCann's Quick Oats. Anyone following a gluten-free diet: unless otherwise specified, oats grown and stored in the US are considered gluten-contaminated.

One of the strands

Autumn settles upon us, around us, and I can feel the chaos beginning to recede. My feet are planted, barely visible underneath the fallen leaves and their colors and crunch. I feel an immunity to it all. The rushes of rocky imbalance that I felt didn't stick. I shook them of, could let them slide away, and I feel more whole.

The approach to alignment has been multi-faceted and dynamic. A cast member I don't often talk about are the herbs. I've been taking Chinese herbs for as long as I've been seeing Master Lu and Vinny. For the most part they are formulated by Master Lu. I really like the detail of placing a crop circle design on the label. Each formula has its own design.

I am currently off my usual regimen of Imperial Qi and Green Dragon. I am near the end of the change-of-season herbs: Swimming Dragon. Makes me smile envisioning swimming dragons...a cleansing flow, a moment of calm for the creatures so fiery and strong.

This tornado loves you (Neko Case)

Getting pumped to see her next month.

Pyramid Mountain

Wow. We met up with Kelly and crew at Pyramid Mountain today and what a gem of a place. We spent some time in the small, but incredibly engaging Visitor's Center before heading out on our hike.

We were in the woods about 2 1/2 hours and made it about 1/4 of the way into the journey to Tripod Rock. There was so much to look at and climb and explore. A mere few steps onto the trail and the oxygen-love from the trees enveloped us and we were transported to a different dimension.

By the time we finished our lunch on the rocks most of our party was ready to head back and that's what we did. Locals, I cannot recommend this spot highly enough. It was simply wonderful.




































(I really couldn't get enough of Sag and his hat. He hates having his picture taken these days and I have become adept at snapping him anyway, but it takes attention and time to finesse. So, today, I really didn't snap many of Gem being so distracted by the adorable Indiana Jones look adventuring in the woods.)

Consequences

I was able to talk some of this out with a friend on the phone this afternoon. She was talking about taking risks and being afraid of consequences and how it's worth it to feel like you are truer version of yourself.

And I connected that back to what I wrote about this morning. Falling equals taking risks, being a truer version of yourself equals being a truer version of yourself, so...the smooth black hole, the acute sense of potential loss...could that equal fear of consequences?

This is interesting.

• Because I have taken plenty of risks while flashing that smile at whatever consequences might follow. It makes sense now that this doesn't have to be black or white. I am looking for more detail within the grays. A process which will no doubt continue for the rest of my days. The key is to tread peacefully as I travel in between times of clarity.

• Because I can see how this type of knot could have formed and tightened over the years. I don't remember a big specific event, but I've certainly had experiences in and out of my family that made me feel less inclined to simply feel comfortable being myself. I've opted to take on actions, roles and outward identities/appearances in order to avoid potentially feeling ashamed, embarrassed or hurt.

• Because if you spend time showing a front to the world, eventually you can pull adrift from who you really are. And if you don't reflect on this kind of disconnect and it simply gets left by the wayside as you do manage to reconnect pieces here and there... Those knots don't go away on their own and, as another friend said, they can take awhile to unravel.

• Because this ties into something else that has occurred to me. I think entering middle age continues to lob new awareness my way. And I mistake that as an opportunity to learn something new each time. The error of my ways is that this process is nowhere near as linear as I make it out to be. 1+1 sometimes equals 1. (ie. There's the me that doesn't worry about consequences at all, there's the me that worries about them unconsciously, a lot. But, it's all always just me. 1+1=1.)

• Because "consequences" is still a term that I toss (or sometimes throw in utter frustration) to my kids, literally or metaphorically, and sometimes insidiously, and I can see more clearly now why I struggle with this. There is a difference between a natural consequence and an unnatural/inorganic condition coming into play when interacting with anyone, but especially with children or someone with less power than you.

• Because there is a connection I can see between "consequence" and the sense of deprivation and being externally controlled that I do remember from childhood.

• Because earlier today I requested a book and dvd about string theory from the library. String theory momentarily blew my mind when I had a conversation about it with Judy while living in Sacramento. I was stunned to hear about a scientific theory (not being much of a science person) that made so much sense to me. And then I kind of let it go and didn't learn more about it. I wonder if this theory will connect back to some of this other discovery...

Shedding the theoretical and being more in the here and now...drinking in moments like this one...smiles shining with love and nonsense.

Minding the physical mess around me, but not enough to stress about it, or to put it before whatever it is I really want to be doing in the moment.

Aware of my right hip. There's been a tightness there for months coming and going. Vinny says we're going to pay closer attention to it. Clearing that up will ease communication between the upper and lower sections of my body.

He pushed harder on my liver and stomach meridians last visit. He is excited for me, he can sense whatever it is that is happening. Those same spots that shrieked to life under his fingertips are still humming a song of recovery...

Off to practice..."you're not above it you're not below it"...

A picture speaks...

Maybe not a thousand words, but this picture says a lot about where I am these days. (Which was not intentional when I took the photo. Coincidence or the subconscious at work?)

The words "when one door closes, another door opens" have been swimming in my head for days and days. (Full quote by Alexander Graham Bell...I had no idea!) : “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”)

The four-sided shape of light on the carpet represents an open door, bursting with bright possibility and well within my reach. I can see it, but I'm not there.

My feet are planted at the end of this road. I am not opposed to jumping. I can see that spot of light and it looks inviting. And it doesn't look to far to make it safely.

But, there's something peeking out at me from under the ledge. I can see it is looking directly at me. It is meant for me. That's undeniable.

I can't see the whole of it and don't understand what it is. But, I can feel what it wants. It wants me to look. And somehow, I'm afraid that if I go for it, take a leap while turning a blind eye, that it may grab for a limb (and maybe only manage to make contact with a finger or toe or a ponytail) and I will fall.

I hate falling. I wasn't always like this. I remember a particularly spectacular fall running down the block full speed heading for the playground. I was maybe seven. I approached the corner and I skidded, braking and turning, my Pro-Keds unable to grip completely, mysterious grains of sand thinly spread out on the speckled concrete. I went down and wide swaths of scraped skin formed starting at my knee caps and ending somewhere around my ankles. The heels of my hands were mottled with bits of sand studding my skin, indentations where the sidewalk left imprints, and dots of blooming blood.

And I felt triumphant. I was full of energy, I loved going fast, and I was unstoppable. I don't remember what happened next. Maybe I cried. Very likely I had to return home to get the scrapes cleaned. But, I am sure that I ended up exactly where I had been headed for originally: time to play outside.

This memory is a gift rare and vivid. Maybe it is a part of what is peering out at me from below. A reminder of who I am underneath all the layers and static of time. Not afraid to fall, flashing a smile in the face of a tumble, in fact.

A being willing and happy to fly forward not knowing what's coming around the corner but trusting that whatever it is, she can handle it. And in the meantime, what about this ride? It's GREAT!

Doing Dragon's Way, continuing with working with Vinny and the herbs, the hallway has become a much more comfortable place. I've figured out how to replace some of the old light bulbs. But, I know I can't live in a hallway forever. And I don't want to.

I am paralyzed, at this spot. I haven't practiced in days, I have been eating to fill that unnamed hole in my soul, my curiosity about the pause in my journey is turning into sadness about the fear that is part of me.

The strains of the cello in the background slow me enough to realize that it isn't the falling that scares me. I have taken falls since that memorable childhood spill.

As a free wheeling teenager I was knocked off my ten speed when someone opened their car door moments too soon. I've passed out: once stepping out of a bath tub and once in the midst of streaming demonstrators on the Mall in D.C. I've fallen down half a flight of a steep stone stairs in Fisk Hall and been hit by a car right around the corner from the same building during college.

And none of those experiences were particularly traumatizing. Falling happens. I know I can't control it, I can try to be careful, and recovery can be anticipated (I am very much a cup half full person.)

So what is it that I am afraid of? Not knowing what it is I will lose by pushing forward (if not flying) to get to my truer self. There are things I want to do, or have wanted to do for a long time that I haven't been able to do. To live more simply, to have less stuff, to be able to do what I need to do (commitments I have chosen to take on) and what I want to do, in some balance, each day.

I don't know why I feel such an acute sense of potential loss. Maybe that ties into the unnamed hole in my soul. Maybe that is what the hole is. I don't care much how the hole got there. But, I would really like to get rid of it.

Is that what this is about? Facing the hole more squarely? Do I need to recognize it more fully, to name it, in order to let it go? If that is so, then I have my work cut out for me. Because right now, the hole is blank and smooth. I don't see any way in to gain a better understanding.