A is for Anxiety

Last night I went to bed earlier than usual. I was tired (have been for a long time), it was a quiet night (the kids were mellow, Cap was out at back-to-back meetings), and somehow, my body was more directive than my mind.

Over an hour after I lay down, I was still awake. Not only that, I was experiencing what I could only assume were symptoms of anxiety.

I could faintly recognize what I was feeling. There was some muscle memory of it from long ago. But, it was perplexing because I wasn't aware of what could have brought it all on. And, boy, I thought: there is such truth to the desire to want to speak only to someone who has gone through what you are going through when it comes to something like this.

The worst feeling was the emptiness full of cool, endless rushing whooshing through me from right under my ribs to down there. Yeah, I felt very vulnerable. It was like being on one of those amusement rides where the bottom drops out from under you and you fall. Except last night, the fall was endless. It wouldn't stop. It was that unnerving ticklish feeling. It was that being at the whim of gravitational force feeling. It was feeling completely not at home in the supposed comfort of your own bed.

I was at a loss. I tried rubbing all the soothing points I could think of, breathing deeply, and, once he was home, letting Cap in on what was going on. Nothing helped completely.

I was lucky though. Because my mind was fairly clear (though I longed for simply passing out into the bliss of sleep), I remembered that Vinny had worked on some new spots yesterday afternoon. The first one really hurt. He continued on to some other ones and was surprised they didn't hurt, too, and surmised that the first one had opened up the others.

I don't know if that first spot was a gateway or not, but it certainly let loose some stuff. My massage therapist used to tell me to drink lots of water after a massage to help any released toxins to flush out quicker and more thoroughly. I wonder what the equivalent is for Qi?

I noticed that my body, particularly my back, felt really tight. I pulled an old trick out of the bag and got up and rolled around on a tennis ball. You can do this against a wall, as well. It is a simple, cheap and awesome way to release tight spots in your back. While I was rolling I was reminded of a big white back roller I used to have (bought from my massage therapist in Sacramento) and called to to Cap to see if we still had it.

We did (see photo :-)

I massaged myself thusly (Cap had worked on me with the little wooden knobby thing prior...he was a big help throughout all this) for awhile. And felt relief being to flood my system.

We watched an episode of Party Down and went to bed. I tried to ignore my worry that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Luckily, I did drift off, not too long after going back to bed.

I began this post yesterday. Two days out, I'm home while Cap and the kids travel North to visit family. I'm giving myself (with Cap's blessing) the gift of a personal retreat. I feel very lucky to have this opportunity to rest and recharge. Clearly, I need it...but who doesn't?

I almost cried watching the kids drive off, but within an hour, I was giddy with the freedom of not having to answer to anyone but myself...till Saturday night.

I love not having an agenda. I love this elastic feeling of time. That it will accommodate whatever I want. There aren't meals to be considered, kids to monitor, messes that appear that only I notice (and therefore I clean or let it bug the shit out of me)...no interruptions of thoughts, actions, flow...I move through these rooms so in the present now that I am alone.

It's very interesting. My mind is pretty much only on what I am doing or thinking or feeling. There's no static, all of a sudden. I hadn't realized how much this denouncer of multi-tasking was mentally multi-tasking all along.

I'm well on my way towards living life without multi-tasking...now to think about ways to unhitch my mind from this way of being, too.

For now, I'm going to play my music in the kitchen and twirl and gyrate while I cook up some CSA greens and the 'goo' for the peanut butter-banana ice cream I'm making myself tomorrow :-)

When's the last time you had a solo staycation? I recommend going for it. It feels great.