Oh

Just had a thought: lately, if I am bothered by someone (as opposed to something though if the something is making me all flustered then the thing would be considered, too), there is a pattern: I'm PMS-y...my system is experiencing some sort of hormonal surge or drop.

Because I am a female of a certain age (I'm assuming here...maybe it has more to do with the years long process of recalibrating I am undergoing), my PMS attacks are no longer happening a few days before my period.  Yesterday it was an ovulation spike (the lightbulb went on really bright as I was shoveling yet another handful of Glutino pretzels into my mouth...alternating the salt with squares of Divine choc).  I've also noticed in the last half year or so that I have emo waves as my period is ending, rather than before it comes.

The shifts of timing have thrown me off balance, but in a wonderful way, have opened my eyes.

What's helpful about this type of knowledge is that when I realize what's happening inside me, I can attempt to check myself.  Keep my trap shut and wait for it to pass because it will, it always does.  But, most of us menstruatin' women know that this is sometimes impossible.  It's part of the package, the wild powerful womanly craziness that is PMS.

This isn't to say that I completely ignore who/what is bothering me.  There is inevitably a hurt or frustration or confusion that is running below the surface.  Something worth excavating and either studied or tossed aside as useless detritus.

But, that urge to express and expunge, a primal need dictated by hormonal activity...it is by definition uncontrollable...by embracing it and knowing it, I can be with it a little better...hold it till the storm quiets.