Begin it now

This is always on my mind...whether I know it or not. And whether I like it or not. I can dream about life in a cottage by the sea, a forest separating me and my loves from the rest of civilization, but the truth lies elsewhere (for now).

The truth is a life in the suburbs with two growing children and a single income. Food, car, healthcare, hobbies, more food, there's a nearly constant flow of expense. Living, by its apparent nature, seems a distraction itself. A deeper truth is that stress here and there is soothed by things like knitting and connecting with friends...not sitting down with a bunch of papers.

But, then the stress continues just below the surface...the stress of work not completed.

So, yesterday, I finally sat with my accordion folders, my bags full of receipts, my old money notebook, my new money binder and accounting sheets, my sheaf of debit account records...and when I realized that I was going back to February... Well, I almost threw in the towel. My psyche felt like a handful of rose petals being crushed in the fist of an unknowing child. I literally started pacing, full of pent up energy that couldn't find release.

I felt like a loser for minute or two, but that passed, thanks to the progress I've made in that department. Thank you, TCM :-)

I noticed that I had an impulse to go onto Facebook and post some dramatic whine-y status updates. But, I kept restraining myself. I felt alone, fueled in part by a more existential loneliness I've been feeling, fueled in part by a hormonal swing fueled by my cycle.

I feel a responsibility to my dad. He has been unconditional in his trust of me, and his belief in me, that I can do this. And in the end, I think that's what gave me the energy to push on and I settled down at the table and got going. I talked to the kids about needing the computer (for my music needs) and the big table to spread out, and generally just needing a peaceful atmosphere. They were really flexible and accommodating. I was touched by that.

I switched gears and fueled up with Matt Pond PA. I worked for hours. Cap did the food shopping and then offered to make dinner. So I worked some more. And at the end of the night, I was caught up through May. Which was much farther than I'd thought I'd get.

I'm planning on continuing today, putting other things on hold as much as I can. I'm hoping to get caught up through August. Then I can get September set up to account for expenses day-to-day. And then, the most important work of going back over the accounting and analyzing it. A budget, per se, still feels like it will be a stretch. We are living very much paycheck to paycheck without excessive luxury (is my yarn habit an excessive luxury? shh...)

It will be interesting to see what I can see.

And, in the meantime, like a Goethe quote that caught my eye this morning:

“Whatever you dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

Begin it now.