Wow. A wonderful movie about a 20 something man with Asperger's. So many of the details rang true and the story was rendered beautifully. I read about the movie on the Autism list I'm on. One mom posted that her Aspie daughter wasn't so impressed because the main character wasn't so much like herself :-)
The male lead (Josh Hartnett) was really strong, the female lead (Radha Mitchell) was trickier. I wasn't sure if it was the aim of her performance based on the written part and/or her own instincts, or whether it was a weakness in her performance, but it didn't matter. The whole of the experience was just right.
Make note of the supporting actress who barks out the last line of the movie...something about the gravy. She was pitch perfect in her every line and gesture.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Samson's locks
For the last few weeks I have been thinking about getting my haircut. In the last couple of days it has become nearly an obsession to mull over this seemingly simple decision.
My hair m.o. is to let it grow really long and then to cut it pretty short every few years. The last couple of times I've gotten it cut I've not gone shorter than shoulder length to avoid the repetition of maintenance haircuts needed to keep it very short. My hair grows quickly and it seemed like a lot of money to spend on "hair" to visit my beloved stylist every other month (this was back in Cambridge).
My recent quandary began with discomfort at night because someone or other would be lying on my hair and it would get pulled as I turned over in my sleep. (Both boys usually end up in bed with us by early morning.) Then I started to feel lazy about washing it. I would remember wistfully while showering how quickly I could wash and condition my hair when it was super short.
When my hair is long, I like being able to do things like wearing it in braids or wearing it "up". But, the reality is that I'm not really into spending much time on my hair or giving it much thought, especially in the morning. So, inevitably, it gets pulled back in a barrette. Every day.
I feel that when I have long hair, my identity becomes somewhat entangled (pun intended, I guess) with my hair. I become my hair in a way that doesn't happen when my hair is shorter. And these days that doesn't sit well with me. I'm turning 41 on Sunday and feel renewed in my joy and wonder at who I am and the possibilities for creativity that I am feeling. I really don't want to be thinking about my hair this much at all.
I've thought about asking my sister to chop it all off when she's here tomorrow, but distractions niggle and I may wait and go to a hair salon. I know what I want it to look like at this point, but am convinced that no one will be able to replicate the vision that is me in my fantastical mind. And then I realize I am still cycling pretty vigorously in these mundane thoughts.
My hair m.o. is to let it grow really long and then to cut it pretty short every few years. The last couple of times I've gotten it cut I've not gone shorter than shoulder length to avoid the repetition of maintenance haircuts needed to keep it very short. My hair grows quickly and it seemed like a lot of money to spend on "hair" to visit my beloved stylist every other month (this was back in Cambridge).
My recent quandary began with discomfort at night because someone or other would be lying on my hair and it would get pulled as I turned over in my sleep. (Both boys usually end up in bed with us by early morning.) Then I started to feel lazy about washing it. I would remember wistfully while showering how quickly I could wash and condition my hair when it was super short.
When my hair is long, I like being able to do things like wearing it in braids or wearing it "up". But, the reality is that I'm not really into spending much time on my hair or giving it much thought, especially in the morning. So, inevitably, it gets pulled back in a barrette. Every day.
I feel that when I have long hair, my identity becomes somewhat entangled (pun intended, I guess) with my hair. I become my hair in a way that doesn't happen when my hair is shorter. And these days that doesn't sit well with me. I'm turning 41 on Sunday and feel renewed in my joy and wonder at who I am and the possibilities for creativity that I am feeling. I really don't want to be thinking about my hair this much at all.
I've thought about asking my sister to chop it all off when she's here tomorrow, but distractions niggle and I may wait and go to a hair salon. I know what I want it to look like at this point, but am convinced that no one will be able to replicate the vision that is me in my fantastical mind. And then I realize I am still cycling pretty vigorously in these mundane thoughts.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
De colores
Red
pms fury rejection wanting to hang on half pint of ben and jerry's way too late wanting house getting state of the union
Orange
short ribs bone-in simmering in cast iron nestled with carrot, onion and garlic reminds me of childhood so warming the consuming already begun
Yellow
First delighted by invented spelling which hadn't occurred to him writing a story using the golden path paper I made him
Green
the piece of scrap paper with Mummu's hospital room phone number on it floating around the apartment a testament bearing witness
Blue
the laundry the sky up above washing dishes making phone calls
Indigo
talking with Danielle in her kitchen as the light outside fades the children making money watching the bear old rem the background music
Violet
my hope my joy my strength my self rebooting reconnecting catching up and lingering with El on the phone boys coming in for goodnight kisses Cap waiting to see what he can make me for dinner
pms fury rejection wanting to hang on half pint of ben and jerry's way too late wanting house getting state of the union
Orange
short ribs bone-in simmering in cast iron nestled with carrot, onion and garlic reminds me of childhood so warming the consuming already begun
Yellow
First delighted by invented spelling which hadn't occurred to him writing a story using the golden path paper I made him
Green
the piece of scrap paper with Mummu's hospital room phone number on it floating around the apartment a testament bearing witness
Blue
the laundry the sky up above washing dishes making phone calls
Indigo
talking with Danielle in her kitchen as the light outside fades the children making money watching the bear old rem the background music
Violet
my hope my joy my strength my self rebooting reconnecting catching up and lingering with El on the phone boys coming in for goodnight kisses Cap waiting to see what he can make me for dinner
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The queen
Danielle and I went out today. An unofficial birthday outing. (Cap found out last week that he'll be in Dublin this Thurs-Sun. So, not that much "me" time forecast for b-day weekend.) We had lunch at Lalezar for Turkish/Mediterranean food. It was so good. The decor was lovely, the service nice, and the food, really wonderful. We had a Turkish salad and the appetizer sampler which included some of my favorites: grape leaves and babaghanoush. The bread was a revelation. We had them put our chicken kebob with yogurt entree straight into a doggy bag because we were stuffed by the time it was ready to be brought out.
We then went to Terra for a few minutes (one of my favorite stores in Montclair, the other one being Watchung Books). It's the kind of store that invites lots of handling. All items are fair trade and come from many corners of the world. There's a tea salon in the back and we picked up movie snacks: chocolate for D and a lemon square for me.
We went to see The Queen. I don't know what I was expecting, but I was let down. I thought it was kind of boring, though interesting at the same time if that makes sense. Helen Mirren was indeed wonderful in it. Prince Philip was made out to be a brutish jerk and I wondered what the source material was in general for a movie so based in real people and events. Watching the movie did remind me of how starved of factual and critical information we actually are (most of us) in an era that is hailed as the "information age". There's a point in the movie when Helen Mirren's character, Queen Elizabeth II, says to the Tony Blair character, "you are my tenth prime minister, the first one having been Winston Churchill." It made me go "hmmm" (I know so little and want to know more).
Cap...in part because he is feeling better and in part because I am feeling better (not teaching this semester? check; significant financial worries now past me? check)...he is appearing to me in more color, warmth and glow. I don't know how much of this is due to successful acupuncture and Chinese medicine treatment, as well. But, I am feeling more and more relaxed these days. And juicier.
I have been experiencing that "head in the ground" hibernating thing at night where after the kids go to bed my butt and brain find themselves settling down in front of the tv. I've started watching Season 4 of The Sopranos (very watchable after all these years) and am looking forward to the restarting of the Heroes season tomorrow night. I'll also be watching season 2 of Rome and enjoyed my first episode of Extras last week (though it's all about the Patriots tonight, baby).
We watched The Office and the musical episode of Scrubs last week and then kept watching Thirty Rock because it was so funny and well written.
I have noticed the days are already noticeably longer. Here's hoping that my mind and body adjust and I unplug myself from the box before I fry too many more cells. (Will she tune in for the rest of the Lost season? Will she get sucked into Amazing Race All-Stars? Will she stop watching SNL in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, she can recapture some of that lost glory be it ever so vicarious and seriously hopeless?)
We then went to Terra for a few minutes (one of my favorite stores in Montclair, the other one being Watchung Books). It's the kind of store that invites lots of handling. All items are fair trade and come from many corners of the world. There's a tea salon in the back and we picked up movie snacks: chocolate for D and a lemon square for me.
We went to see The Queen. I don't know what I was expecting, but I was let down. I thought it was kind of boring, though interesting at the same time if that makes sense. Helen Mirren was indeed wonderful in it. Prince Philip was made out to be a brutish jerk and I wondered what the source material was in general for a movie so based in real people and events. Watching the movie did remind me of how starved of factual and critical information we actually are (most of us) in an era that is hailed as the "information age". There's a point in the movie when Helen Mirren's character, Queen Elizabeth II, says to the Tony Blair character, "you are my tenth prime minister, the first one having been Winston Churchill." It made me go "hmmm" (I know so little and want to know more).
Cap...in part because he is feeling better and in part because I am feeling better (not teaching this semester? check; significant financial worries now past me? check)...he is appearing to me in more color, warmth and glow. I don't know how much of this is due to successful acupuncture and Chinese medicine treatment, as well. But, I am feeling more and more relaxed these days. And juicier.
I have been experiencing that "head in the ground" hibernating thing at night where after the kids go to bed my butt and brain find themselves settling down in front of the tv. I've started watching Season 4 of The Sopranos (very watchable after all these years) and am looking forward to the restarting of the Heroes season tomorrow night. I'll also be watching season 2 of Rome and enjoyed my first episode of Extras last week (though it's all about the Patriots tonight, baby).
We watched The Office and the musical episode of Scrubs last week and then kept watching Thirty Rock because it was so funny and well written.
I have noticed the days are already noticeably longer. Here's hoping that my mind and body adjust and I unplug myself from the box before I fry too many more cells. (Will she tune in for the rest of the Lost season? Will she get sucked into Amazing Race All-Stars? Will she stop watching SNL in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, she can recapture some of that lost glory be it ever so vicarious and seriously hopeless?)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Update
An arctic front is descending on us here in NJ and I wonder, seriously, why I ever complained about the unseasonably mild weather we've been having. Well, at least our tub of water on the front porch, our ice experiment, should yield some ice in the morning.
• Cap is finally back on his feet after his third cold in four weeks had him in bed for a few days. We celebrated his 42nd birthday yesterday. Chana masala, saag paneer, aluu gobi, garlic naan and scrumptious samosas from our local veggie Indian place. Sandy and Mike came over. We had a satisfying yellow cake with chocolate frosting for dessert. Cap did the baking, as he is wont to do. Gluten-free, casein-free, of course. I splurged for the Scharffen-Berger baking chocolate that was used for the frosting. Mmmm.
• Cap did some lesson time with the kids this morning. They sounded like they had a blast while I tinkered away at my desk in the next room. Kinder worked on "---ack" words and enjoyed drawing pictures of the words he came up with. For "lack" he drew an empty box utilizing the 3-D drawing skills he has been exploring lately. First worked on geography and learned, among other things, that the Canadian dollar coin has the nickname "loonie".
• I twisted my foot this morning stepping off our front steps onto a briquette sized rock from the front yard. A drawback to Dansko clogs.... No ice skating this week for me.
• Had a life altering conversation with my mom on the phone over the weekend. Our debt to my parents has been excused, a gift in lieu of help with a down payment. My path has diverged from those of my siblings in a number of ways, home ownership being one. It was amazing to literally feel a weight being lifted from my body. I hadn't quite realized how heavy the burden had been on a day-to-day basis. Our financial situation is seeming SO much more manageable. Getting out from under credit card debt seems possible within 2 years, knock on wood. If we don't have to move again in 2 years, we should actually be able to start saving at that point!
• Watched Everything Is Illuminated which I loved (we both did). Impressive directorial debut by Liev Schreiber. Great acting, funny and immensely sad.
• Watched the Golden Globes. Boooring. Seeing Sascha Baron Cohen as himself was great. Hugh Laurie yum yum as usual. Jennifer Hudson and America Ferrar were both touching to watch as they accepted their awards. As was Forrest Whitaker. Justin Timberlake made my jaw drop when he impersonated Prince in a visual gag. It was funny, but seemingly inadvisable.
• Finished A Cook's Tour which I thoroughly enjoyed. I've started The Woman At The Washington Zoo.
• Nearly done going through and organizing my papers. Put up a bunch of photo frames yesterday making the livingroom/our bedroom in particular feel quite cozy. Pictures that never made it out of boxes in Sacramento are getting dusted off and finding homes here in Montclair.
• Looking forward to seeing JR and Pam this weekend. They are in NYC visiting Jodie.
• Decided not to renew my teaching license after looking into what would be required and discovering that if I ever go back to a job where I would need a license, that I would be able to reapply for renewal at that point. It was still a little hard to let go of yet another part of my professional past. But, mostly, it feels like I am clearing out my closet, making way for new and exciting things.
• Love love love my little niece Lily. We talk on the phone sometimes (she's 1 1/2 :-)
• Go Pats!
• Cap is finally back on his feet after his third cold in four weeks had him in bed for a few days. We celebrated his 42nd birthday yesterday. Chana masala, saag paneer, aluu gobi, garlic naan and scrumptious samosas from our local veggie Indian place. Sandy and Mike came over. We had a satisfying yellow cake with chocolate frosting for dessert. Cap did the baking, as he is wont to do. Gluten-free, casein-free, of course. I splurged for the Scharffen-Berger baking chocolate that was used for the frosting. Mmmm.
• Cap did some lesson time with the kids this morning. They sounded like they had a blast while I tinkered away at my desk in the next room. Kinder worked on "---ack" words and enjoyed drawing pictures of the words he came up with. For "lack" he drew an empty box utilizing the 3-D drawing skills he has been exploring lately. First worked on geography and learned, among other things, that the Canadian dollar coin has the nickname "loonie".
• I twisted my foot this morning stepping off our front steps onto a briquette sized rock from the front yard. A drawback to Dansko clogs.... No ice skating this week for me.
• Had a life altering conversation with my mom on the phone over the weekend. Our debt to my parents has been excused, a gift in lieu of help with a down payment. My path has diverged from those of my siblings in a number of ways, home ownership being one. It was amazing to literally feel a weight being lifted from my body. I hadn't quite realized how heavy the burden had been on a day-to-day basis. Our financial situation is seeming SO much more manageable. Getting out from under credit card debt seems possible within 2 years, knock on wood. If we don't have to move again in 2 years, we should actually be able to start saving at that point!
• Watched Everything Is Illuminated which I loved (we both did). Impressive directorial debut by Liev Schreiber. Great acting, funny and immensely sad.
• Watched the Golden Globes. Boooring. Seeing Sascha Baron Cohen as himself was great. Hugh Laurie yum yum as usual. Jennifer Hudson and America Ferrar were both touching to watch as they accepted their awards. As was Forrest Whitaker. Justin Timberlake made my jaw drop when he impersonated Prince in a visual gag. It was funny, but seemingly inadvisable.
• Finished A Cook's Tour which I thoroughly enjoyed. I've started The Woman At The Washington Zoo.
• Nearly done going through and organizing my papers. Put up a bunch of photo frames yesterday making the livingroom/our bedroom in particular feel quite cozy. Pictures that never made it out of boxes in Sacramento are getting dusted off and finding homes here in Montclair.
• Looking forward to seeing JR and Pam this weekend. They are in NYC visiting Jodie.
• Decided not to renew my teaching license after looking into what would be required and discovering that if I ever go back to a job where I would need a license, that I would be able to reapply for renewal at that point. It was still a little hard to let go of yet another part of my professional past. But, mostly, it feels like I am clearing out my closet, making way for new and exciting things.
• Love love love my little niece Lily. We talk on the phone sometimes (she's 1 1/2 :-)
• Go Pats!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
My moment of zen
As I gazed at my lunch of cold leftover zucchini pancakes and still warm sweet potato fries, I knew I was getting better. Plus, there was the seven loads of laundry I was in the midst of doing. Another quiet day at home while we recuperate from our various maladies. Unfortunately, Cap came home last night and fell ill (3rd time in 4 weeks).
I'm watching Rome, pretty addictive stuff. HBO is rerunning season 1 before starting season 2 on Sunday.
Watched United 93 the other night. It was harrowing. When it first came out, I thought I would never watch it. Then it made year's best lists and I reconsidered. I'm glad I watched it. It was both a way to feel like bearing witness and a way to support a brave, honest and human work of art.
Am reading and loving A Cook's Tour by Anthony Bourdain. I'd like to make it to Les Halles someday.
I've put together a bit of a schedule for next week. Baking, painting and drawing for Kinder; form drawing and recorder for First. Outdoors time and handwork for everyone. I'm going to make a King Winter doll for the nature table. Also hoping to get to yoga, everyone's health permitting, and getting out for a walk/gentle jog a few times.
We had a few minutes of snow flurries this morning followed by cold air and bright sun. Maybe we will have some winter after all (it was near 70ยบ four days ago as I traipsed through Manhattan with my girls Mary, Jay and Lily).
I'm watching Rome, pretty addictive stuff. HBO is rerunning season 1 before starting season 2 on Sunday.
Watched United 93 the other night. It was harrowing. When it first came out, I thought I would never watch it. Then it made year's best lists and I reconsidered. I'm glad I watched it. It was both a way to feel like bearing witness and a way to support a brave, honest and human work of art.
Am reading and loving A Cook's Tour by Anthony Bourdain. I'd like to make it to Les Halles someday.
I've put together a bit of a schedule for next week. Baking, painting and drawing for Kinder; form drawing and recorder for First. Outdoors time and handwork for everyone. I'm going to make a King Winter doll for the nature table. Also hoping to get to yoga, everyone's health permitting, and getting out for a walk/gentle jog a few times.
We had a few minutes of snow flurries this morning followed by cold air and bright sun. Maybe we will have some winter after all (it was near 70ยบ four days ago as I traipsed through Manhattan with my girls Mary, Jay and Lily).
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Dreamz with a z
We watched American Dreamz a couple of nights ago. It was funny. I once had a brief encounter with Paul Weitz, the writer and director of the movie. We went to the same university. In front of Olin library, I saw him crouched over looking at something intently on the ground. I joined him and I don't even remember what it was...a bug maybe? I liked him and the moment, though.
A movie that I loved that he made was About A Boy.
American Dreamz manages to be smart and clever and humane about modern American life and the dilemmas herein.
I finished reading Cell last night. Cap gave it to me for X-mas. I've been a Stephen King fan since high school. The last King novel I read and loved was Insomnia, probably ten years ago. Cell was pretty fracking scary, especially in the beginning. It was both thrilling and unnerving to be scared while reading a book cozily wrapped in an afghan on my own couch.
I am desperately fending off Cap's cold. Trying a new herbal remedy called Umcka, my mom's trusty Kaigen and chugging Synergy, trying all the different flavors. I want to stay healthy for my girl's weekend in Manhattan with Mary! She's in town for a depo and we will be painting the town our own lovely hues, immune system willing.
The end is in sight with my grading. I'm just waiting to see if a few students will revise and resubmit work to push their grades up. By Monday I should only have two students who will be finishing up incompletes this spring.
We're cleaning and organizing and opening our arms up to 2007. Cap and the boys took the tree down yesterday, I've laid out the list of house cleaning chores that need to be done, hopefully before Anna arrives tomorrow night, and you can actually see the apple red surface of my desk!
A movie that I loved that he made was About A Boy.
American Dreamz manages to be smart and clever and humane about modern American life and the dilemmas herein.
I finished reading Cell last night. Cap gave it to me for X-mas. I've been a Stephen King fan since high school. The last King novel I read and loved was Insomnia, probably ten years ago. Cell was pretty fracking scary, especially in the beginning. It was both thrilling and unnerving to be scared while reading a book cozily wrapped in an afghan on my own couch.
I am desperately fending off Cap's cold. Trying a new herbal remedy called Umcka, my mom's trusty Kaigen and chugging Synergy, trying all the different flavors. I want to stay healthy for my girl's weekend in Manhattan with Mary! She's in town for a depo and we will be painting the town our own lovely hues, immune system willing.
The end is in sight with my grading. I'm just waiting to see if a few students will revise and resubmit work to push their grades up. By Monday I should only have two students who will be finishing up incompletes this spring.
We're cleaning and organizing and opening our arms up to 2007. Cap and the boys took the tree down yesterday, I've laid out the list of house cleaning chores that need to be done, hopefully before Anna arrives tomorrow night, and you can actually see the apple red surface of my desk!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
I heart Nathan Fillion
Cap and I watched Slither and Inside Man last week.
Slither was reminiscent of Tremors. Alien horror with lots of tongue in cheek laughs. Nathan Fillion was in it and I love him. That's all one really needs to know. He was Caleb towards the end of Buffy and Mal in Firefly/Serenity. I give Slither four stars though it is not for folks who don't like "Alien" type gore. Barbra will have to watch it with remote in hand. If she watches it at all.
Inside Man was great. The opening sequence setting the scene in Manhattan was beautifully done. You had no doubt about where you were, but it was shot in a very fresh way, making me feel like I was seeing the city from a completely new perspective. What a gift it is to have been able to see so many of Spike Lee's movies as a contemporary.
Clive Owen was the best I've seen of him yet. (Did I really see him on Boston Legal the other night? Karen, Brent and I were all kind of bleary-eyed and I couldn't decide definitively.) Jodie Foster was pretty stunning, making an impression in a small, but pivotal role. And Denzel, well he just shone. He flexed those chops and his body just sang throughout the performance. And Ziggy, from The Wire season 2 was in it!
I give it four stars, too. There was one niggling question which was a distraction after the movie ended which held it back from five star status.
Slither was reminiscent of Tremors. Alien horror with lots of tongue in cheek laughs. Nathan Fillion was in it and I love him. That's all one really needs to know. He was Caleb towards the end of Buffy and Mal in Firefly/Serenity. I give Slither four stars though it is not for folks who don't like "Alien" type gore. Barbra will have to watch it with remote in hand. If she watches it at all.
Inside Man was great. The opening sequence setting the scene in Manhattan was beautifully done. You had no doubt about where you were, but it was shot in a very fresh way, making me feel like I was seeing the city from a completely new perspective. What a gift it is to have been able to see so many of Spike Lee's movies as a contemporary.
Clive Owen was the best I've seen of him yet. (Did I really see him on Boston Legal the other night? Karen, Brent and I were all kind of bleary-eyed and I couldn't decide definitively.) Jodie Foster was pretty stunning, making an impression in a small, but pivotal role. And Denzel, well he just shone. He flexed those chops and his body just sang throughout the performance. And Ziggy, from The Wire season 2 was in it!
I give it four stars, too. There was one niggling question which was a distraction after the movie ended which held it back from five star status.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Money matters
First is really into money. I sometimes refer to it as an obsession, but feel ultimately, that that has a tinge of judgement to it that I don't like.
It started with Uncle Scrooge, Donald Duck's uncle and now has a fairly healthy life of its own. First's favorite Christmas presents this year: a $100 bill, a $50 bill, and a safe (except for the loud alarm which we have not yet been able to help him disarm).
Christmas at Sandy and Mike's was colored by the $2 bill, buffalo nickels and wheat pennies. Pops gave us a zinc penny and a liberty dime. And Santa gave First the official U.S. Mint 50 State Quarters Collector's Archive. So now, we are chasing quarters, as well.
First and Kinder have had an interest in maps and geography for years. In a way, it's what they know. First traveled to Paris in utero, Kinder's first trip to Japan was in utero. They have both been excellent traveling companions on planes, trains and automobiles. We have lived in three states with them and they have family in two other states, as well as, another country.
The Quarter Collector's Archive has created a nice segue from money to geography. As 2006 comes to a close, I have been longing for travel. I've been day dreaming about visits to California and Florida, we are hoping for a grant to come through which would bring us to Japan in the summer, and we are wondering if we'll be able to pull together the money for a dream trip to Finland for Cap anytime soon...
We visited the U.S. Dept. of Engraving and Printing website the other day and discovered that they have tours. Like Jelly Belly, I explained to them. First wondered if they would be giving out samples of money as they did samples of jelly beans with a knowing smile on his face.
So now, the kids are acting upon the familial compass and it is pointing south. Washington D.C. here we come.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
The night gardener
I finished reading The Night Gardener by George Pelecanos today. Cap gave it to me on our anniversary. I opened it in the car as we were driving away from the house. It was on Stephen King's EW list and Pelecanos is a writer on The Wire. Between those two things, I was eager to read it.
There was definitely Wire-ish resonance, although it stood on its own. It's a whodunit about a young teen's death set in contemporary Washington DC. But, there's stuff in there about culture, class and race which seeps out at you, making for some satisfying yet sad reading. Much like The Wire, incidentally (in which case it's satisfying yet sad watching).
There was one point when I heard "Omar"'s voice from The Wire in the dialogue of a character in the book. That made me smile. Pelecanos has written about a dozen books. I'll probably check out some of his other novels at some point. But for now, I have two new books that I received from Kinder and Cap for Christmas. Kate Atkinson's Behind The Scenes At The Museum (her Case Histories was my favorite book read in 2006) and Cell by Stephen King.
We opened our presents today because we're leaving for Massachusetts early tomorrow and thought it cruel to have the kids open presents and then have to leave them at home with no leisurely playing time.
Celebrated with Sandy and Mike last night at their place. There was a point in the evening when I realized that I was lying on their couch watching Sandy, my sister, order her collection of wheat pennies. We were alone in a room, bathed by the light of an onlooking lamp. It has been so long since we've had time like that together. It was...priceless as Master Card would say.
There was definitely Wire-ish resonance, although it stood on its own. It's a whodunit about a young teen's death set in contemporary Washington DC. But, there's stuff in there about culture, class and race which seeps out at you, making for some satisfying yet sad reading. Much like The Wire, incidentally (in which case it's satisfying yet sad watching).
There was one point when I heard "Omar"'s voice from The Wire in the dialogue of a character in the book. That made me smile. Pelecanos has written about a dozen books. I'll probably check out some of his other novels at some point. But for now, I have two new books that I received from Kinder and Cap for Christmas. Kate Atkinson's Behind The Scenes At The Museum (her Case Histories was my favorite book read in 2006) and Cell by Stephen King.
We opened our presents today because we're leaving for Massachusetts early tomorrow and thought it cruel to have the kids open presents and then have to leave them at home with no leisurely playing time.
Celebrated with Sandy and Mike last night at their place. There was a point in the evening when I realized that I was lying on their couch watching Sandy, my sister, order her collection of wheat pennies. We were alone in a room, bathed by the light of an onlooking lamp. It has been so long since we've had time like that together. It was...priceless as Master Card would say.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The downside of christmas
It's happened again.
Christmas comes and we go crazy. Less crazy than in years past, but we've lost our heads again and I've been fretting over our online banking account. We've got about $150 till next Friday. $150 for the next eight days. Dammit. The debits don't always come in in real time, so it's possible we have less. I moved $500 over from our savings to cover our tushes. That's half our savings.
I did pare down this year. I think we ordered 150 holiday cards to last year's 175. And, theoretically, we spent less on gifts this year. But, I didn't budget. I have found it undoable, to budget, since our move. I've tried, but with so little give between incoming and outgoing, and the different times that bills come in in a given month, I'm still grappling. I literally can't find the beginning point.
Then there was the anniversary. I did something that we tend to do, again less often than we used to, which is to turn a blind eye once we've decided to "go for it". I did stick to one of my new things which is to use the debit card for pretty much anything. Hence, the $150 we are reduced to.
The credit card bill came today, the "miles" one that is meant to be paid off every month. Cap's hotel charges from his CA trip were on there for $700. The reimbursement won't be coming in time for payment though. And the Radio City X-mas Spectacular charge was on there. I thought I'd put it on, earn the miles, and send them the check as soon as my mom paid me back. She paid me back and in the midst of Kinder's birthday and Thanksgiving, I didn't immediately write a check to the credit card company and now the $400+ has been absorbed by our own spending. Frack, frack, frack.
The feelings of dread, of blood running cold, of regret....it's hard not to go into lockdown. No more Christmas, no more gifts, no more celebrating, etc. Especially tonight, the longest night of the year.
But, all is not lost. Cap has money coming in from a consulting gig he did in Texas, I have the second half of my Lesley money coming in at the end of this month. Then, Cap has another check coming from other consulting work that he is just about done with. Our finances refuse to stay still.
Dare I say it? My first resolution for 2007: a household budget!
Christmas comes and we go crazy. Less crazy than in years past, but we've lost our heads again and I've been fretting over our online banking account. We've got about $150 till next Friday. $150 for the next eight days. Dammit. The debits don't always come in in real time, so it's possible we have less. I moved $500 over from our savings to cover our tushes. That's half our savings.
I did pare down this year. I think we ordered 150 holiday cards to last year's 175. And, theoretically, we spent less on gifts this year. But, I didn't budget. I have found it undoable, to budget, since our move. I've tried, but with so little give between incoming and outgoing, and the different times that bills come in in a given month, I'm still grappling. I literally can't find the beginning point.
Then there was the anniversary. I did something that we tend to do, again less often than we used to, which is to turn a blind eye once we've decided to "go for it". I did stick to one of my new things which is to use the debit card for pretty much anything. Hence, the $150 we are reduced to.
The credit card bill came today, the "miles" one that is meant to be paid off every month. Cap's hotel charges from his CA trip were on there for $700. The reimbursement won't be coming in time for payment though. And the Radio City X-mas Spectacular charge was on there. I thought I'd put it on, earn the miles, and send them the check as soon as my mom paid me back. She paid me back and in the midst of Kinder's birthday and Thanksgiving, I didn't immediately write a check to the credit card company and now the $400+ has been absorbed by our own spending. Frack, frack, frack.
The feelings of dread, of blood running cold, of regret....it's hard not to go into lockdown. No more Christmas, no more gifts, no more celebrating, etc. Especially tonight, the longest night of the year.
But, all is not lost. Cap has money coming in from a consulting gig he did in Texas, I have the second half of my Lesley money coming in at the end of this month. Then, Cap has another check coming from other consulting work that he is just about done with. Our finances refuse to stay still.
Dare I say it? My first resolution for 2007: a household budget!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Anniversary of the first kiss
Cap and I celebrated 17 years since our first kiss this weekend. Sandy came over to be with the kids and Cap and I had nearly 24 hours together, alone.
Celebrating, taking this time for us, required peeling away of layers. It's amazing and kind of awesome how time and experience and aging and growing adds on so much to two young ones coming together in the heat of attraction. The details and accumulation of stuff...some of it becomes debris that needs to be brushed away. More so than maybe I realized.
I feel like I've been letting stuff just hang on, that I've been quite still not disturbing the acculturation of my self within my relationship. I feel like a hermit crab ready to look for another shell. One I can decorate with new eyes, and with a new aesthetic.
We saw Girlyman last night. The show was in an auditorium smaller than most school auditoriums. It was perhaps the size of an intimate lecture hall. 150 seats tops. We were in the front row, right in the middle. They were feet away from us. I felt like we were all in a big living room. Never again, I thought. They're so quiet, I also thought (I'm used to listening to them full blast while dancing around the kitchen.)
It was inspiring to see folks doing what they love, being creative for themselves, making music/art/performace cooperatively, being funny, being cute, and spreading joy and love along the way. I have a thing for artists.
And so I hope that I can continue to strive to bring artistry to my own life and my life with my children and partner. Cap and I had a good talk about homeschooling over a satisfying breakfast at the Eagle Rock diner this morning. (I tried a NJ specialty: Taylor ham --- it was good :-) I had a good talk with a new friend, Silke, about homeschooling last week, as well.
Back when I had my first kiss with Cap, I'm sure I envisioned the possibility of a life together with this cute boy. And now, here I am, with a life with him. I've had my moments the past few years when I've longed for, screamed for, a return to the heat, the romance, the sweeping off of feet, of promise. I've wondered, in the last few years, if there is a necessary trade off. That with stability, with commitment and children there comes a requisite loss of that bubbly unknown. The excitement of what can only be imagined.
It's time to come out from under the yoke of the old shell. It's a lovely place in its way, comforting and familiar, but with some stale corners...some hardened edges. I will keep with me myself. The original me. The me inside. The me that matters. The me that I know can generate heat, promise and bubbly excitement.
Celebrating, taking this time for us, required peeling away of layers. It's amazing and kind of awesome how time and experience and aging and growing adds on so much to two young ones coming together in the heat of attraction. The details and accumulation of stuff...some of it becomes debris that needs to be brushed away. More so than maybe I realized.
I feel like I've been letting stuff just hang on, that I've been quite still not disturbing the acculturation of my self within my relationship. I feel like a hermit crab ready to look for another shell. One I can decorate with new eyes, and with a new aesthetic.
We saw Girlyman last night. The show was in an auditorium smaller than most school auditoriums. It was perhaps the size of an intimate lecture hall. 150 seats tops. We were in the front row, right in the middle. They were feet away from us. I felt like we were all in a big living room. Never again, I thought. They're so quiet, I also thought (I'm used to listening to them full blast while dancing around the kitchen.)
It was inspiring to see folks doing what they love, being creative for themselves, making music/art/performace cooperatively, being funny, being cute, and spreading joy and love along the way. I have a thing for artists.
And so I hope that I can continue to strive to bring artistry to my own life and my life with my children and partner. Cap and I had a good talk about homeschooling over a satisfying breakfast at the Eagle Rock diner this morning. (I tried a NJ specialty: Taylor ham --- it was good :-) I had a good talk with a new friend, Silke, about homeschooling last week, as well.
Back when I had my first kiss with Cap, I'm sure I envisioned the possibility of a life together with this cute boy. And now, here I am, with a life with him. I've had my moments the past few years when I've longed for, screamed for, a return to the heat, the romance, the sweeping off of feet, of promise. I've wondered, in the last few years, if there is a necessary trade off. That with stability, with commitment and children there comes a requisite loss of that bubbly unknown. The excitement of what can only be imagined.
It's time to come out from under the yoke of the old shell. It's a lovely place in its way, comforting and familiar, but with some stale corners...some hardened edges. I will keep with me myself. The original me. The me inside. The me that matters. The me that I know can generate heat, promise and bubbly excitement.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The egg has dropped
Wow. Ovulation induced ranting yesterday. By late afternoon I was nearly catatonic.
But, the day arced nicely. We didn't make it to Fiber Arts (I may have to accept that it is simply not their cup of tea), but we spent some time outside on the porch and in the backyard. I needed pics for our holiday card. I gave it time and the kids were amenable to being photographed while being very playful. I was reminded of Karen's words and method for photographing, to take time.
Here's a link to her photography website: http://web.mac.com/raymondkg/iWeb/Site/Welcome.html
So, it was a pleasure. I hadn't taken candids of them in a long time and I loved settling into the zen of it. It was warm, in the 50s, the sky was blue with some clouds, the trees mostly bare of their leaves.
Then I made a tortilla patata (a potato frittata-esque recipe from Julia). The flame of zen was lit in me and I took my time again. Concentrated on getting the onion and potato sliced as thinly as possible, keeping the stove heat at a steady medium/low, sautรฉeing gently, warmly... I flipped the tortilla successfully once, then twice. Then, during the third flip, the tortilla slipped noiselessly and without fanfare off my flipping platter onto the floor. 45 minutes of tlc, splat. The kids came dashing in hearing my ohmigod. It was irreparable and inedible (the egg still uncooked on the inside, the floor really not very clean) so it went into the trash and we went to our friends' house to play.
Cap took care of getting the kids to bed last night and I was able to talk to Julia on the phone. I had to call her to tell her I was now one of the initiated, a full fledged member of the order of tortilla patata makers. Talking with her, being with her, it was so zen, too. There is just a shorthand emotionally which draws us so close. It's painful though to even think about it now. "Miss" doesn't quite encompass my feelings about the loss of Julia, Erika and Judy in my life. If I think about them or talk to them too long or deeply, I just start to feel a lot of pain, a big gaping hole.
Cap and I watched a silly and funny movie on tv last night. John Stamos playing a gay wedding planner who goes on strike protesting the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage in Maine. We NEVER watch silly movies that happen to be on tv. Ever. But, there we were relaxing and zoning out...or should I say, zenning out?
And I got me some intimacy this morning. For the first time in weeks, the kids hopped out of bed together to play rather than insisting that I get out of bed, too. (They never insist that Cap get out of bed.) What else will today bring?
But, the day arced nicely. We didn't make it to Fiber Arts (I may have to accept that it is simply not their cup of tea), but we spent some time outside on the porch and in the backyard. I needed pics for our holiday card. I gave it time and the kids were amenable to being photographed while being very playful. I was reminded of Karen's words and method for photographing, to take time.
Here's a link to her photography website: http://web.mac.com/raymondkg/iWeb/Site/Welcome.html
So, it was a pleasure. I hadn't taken candids of them in a long time and I loved settling into the zen of it. It was warm, in the 50s, the sky was blue with some clouds, the trees mostly bare of their leaves.
Then I made a tortilla patata (a potato frittata-esque recipe from Julia). The flame of zen was lit in me and I took my time again. Concentrated on getting the onion and potato sliced as thinly as possible, keeping the stove heat at a steady medium/low, sautรฉeing gently, warmly... I flipped the tortilla successfully once, then twice. Then, during the third flip, the tortilla slipped noiselessly and without fanfare off my flipping platter onto the floor. 45 minutes of tlc, splat. The kids came dashing in hearing my ohmigod. It was irreparable and inedible (the egg still uncooked on the inside, the floor really not very clean) so it went into the trash and we went to our friends' house to play.
Cap took care of getting the kids to bed last night and I was able to talk to Julia on the phone. I had to call her to tell her I was now one of the initiated, a full fledged member of the order of tortilla patata makers. Talking with her, being with her, it was so zen, too. There is just a shorthand emotionally which draws us so close. It's painful though to even think about it now. "Miss" doesn't quite encompass my feelings about the loss of Julia, Erika and Judy in my life. If I think about them or talk to them too long or deeply, I just start to feel a lot of pain, a big gaping hole.
Cap and I watched a silly and funny movie on tv last night. John Stamos playing a gay wedding planner who goes on strike protesting the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage in Maine. We NEVER watch silly movies that happen to be on tv. Ever. But, there we were relaxing and zoning out...or should I say, zenning out?
And I got me some intimacy this morning. For the first time in weeks, the kids hopped out of bed together to play rather than insisting that I get out of bed, too. (They never insist that Cap get out of bed.) What else will today bring?
Monday, December 11, 2006
Lady grey buzz
I think the decaffeinated Lady Grey tea has enough residual caffeine in it to give me a boost. Maybe it's the dollop of honey I've taken to putting into it. Girlyman is on the stereo, laundry in the machines, directions to Kelly's gotten (Fiber Arts later).
Cap was in bed most of Friday and Saturday, down with a cold. I am so bad when it comes to giving him sympathy when he gets sick. It's ridiculous, but I resent it. I think thoughts like, "wow, when's the last time I got to stay in bed for two days straight", or, "if he would just take better care of himself he wouldn't get so knocked out". Sigh.
I think it's an expression of how stretched I am. And, I really needed his presence this weekend. He was away for a week in California (including Sacramento...talk about resentment) and upon his return jumped right back into a work week. Typically, during a work week, we barely see each other. Then, he was sick, and so it's been feeling like an extended period of no contact, no cooperation, no partnership.
It's depressing.
Christmas tree/decorations? Not yet. Holiday cards? Who knows. Doing housework together this weekend? No. My own work time? Not for awhile.
We're spending Saturday night together and away this coming weekend to celebrate 17 years together. But, when time together is so sparse day-to-day, I wonder how celebratory we'll be. We'll probably be going over our calendars/coordinating schedules, and having to deal with a lot of little stuff to get it out of the way before we can even get to just chilling out.
I need some intimacy here!
I've effectively killed my buzz.
Cap was in bed most of Friday and Saturday, down with a cold. I am so bad when it comes to giving him sympathy when he gets sick. It's ridiculous, but I resent it. I think thoughts like, "wow, when's the last time I got to stay in bed for two days straight", or, "if he would just take better care of himself he wouldn't get so knocked out". Sigh.
I think it's an expression of how stretched I am. And, I really needed his presence this weekend. He was away for a week in California (including Sacramento...talk about resentment) and upon his return jumped right back into a work week. Typically, during a work week, we barely see each other. Then, he was sick, and so it's been feeling like an extended period of no contact, no cooperation, no partnership.
It's depressing.
Christmas tree/decorations? Not yet. Holiday cards? Who knows. Doing housework together this weekend? No. My own work time? Not for awhile.
We're spending Saturday night together and away this coming weekend to celebrate 17 years together. But, when time together is so sparse day-to-day, I wonder how celebratory we'll be. We'll probably be going over our calendars/coordinating schedules, and having to deal with a lot of little stuff to get it out of the way before we can even get to just chilling out.
I need some intimacy here!
I've effectively killed my buzz.
Friday, December 08, 2006
King winter
There's a strong wind this morning. It's bright, sunny and cold. The outside thermometer read 15ยบ at 7:30 am. (I swear someone must have been out on the fire escape touching up the paint during the night because there are smudges of what look like black paint on the thermometer this morning....strange.)
I made oatmeal this morning. Oatmeal on Fridays has sunk in. I don't always make it, but I always think about it. Making and eating oatmeal is very satisfying. I didn't like having to stand at the stove for a good 15 minutes to get it going, at first, but now I love the zen of it. We use McCann's Irish steel cut oats because of the wheat contamination of rolled oats produced in the U.S. (Although I've heard there is someone now producing "safe" rolled oats --- need to look into that.) (Soy) butter, maple syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon the condiments that line the breakfast bar.
Doing some laundry. Discovering that if it can be done, doing it twice a week makes it more manageable for my back. To get to the laundry room we need to go downstairs, out the front door, around back and down into the basement through a separate entrance. We've got a great, sturdy, secondhand basket which makes the lugging easier. Doing two plus loads as opposed to the four plus loads of once-a-week laundry is proving to make a difference.
A trick to doing laundry here is to do it in the morning during the week. Generally, our upstairs and downstairs neighbors work during the day during the week. Although Donald seems to work from home sometimes.
I felt King Winter announcing his impending arrival as the wind whipped around me, me in my winter coat, with hat and gloves on, carrying the basket around the side of the house. When will it snow? Will First stand upon a snowboard this season? Will it be a white Christmas?
Time to make some lunch (rice, sausage, and spinach with tofu and miso). L and O will be here this afternoon and after that we will go observe the drumming and movement class. Cap lies in bed, felled by his jet lag/exhaustion/cold. Tonight, latkes. Decided to pass on making apple sauce, we'll have apple slices instead. And some broccoli.
I made oatmeal this morning. Oatmeal on Fridays has sunk in. I don't always make it, but I always think about it. Making and eating oatmeal is very satisfying. I didn't like having to stand at the stove for a good 15 minutes to get it going, at first, but now I love the zen of it. We use McCann's Irish steel cut oats because of the wheat contamination of rolled oats produced in the U.S. (Although I've heard there is someone now producing "safe" rolled oats --- need to look into that.) (Soy) butter, maple syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon the condiments that line the breakfast bar.
Doing some laundry. Discovering that if it can be done, doing it twice a week makes it more manageable for my back. To get to the laundry room we need to go downstairs, out the front door, around back and down into the basement through a separate entrance. We've got a great, sturdy, secondhand basket which makes the lugging easier. Doing two plus loads as opposed to the four plus loads of once-a-week laundry is proving to make a difference.
A trick to doing laundry here is to do it in the morning during the week. Generally, our upstairs and downstairs neighbors work during the day during the week. Although Donald seems to work from home sometimes.
I felt King Winter announcing his impending arrival as the wind whipped around me, me in my winter coat, with hat and gloves on, carrying the basket around the side of the house. When will it snow? Will First stand upon a snowboard this season? Will it be a white Christmas?
Time to make some lunch (rice, sausage, and spinach with tofu and miso). L and O will be here this afternoon and after that we will go observe the drumming and movement class. Cap lies in bed, felled by his jet lag/exhaustion/cold. Tonight, latkes. Decided to pass on making apple sauce, we'll have apple slices instead. And some broccoli.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Knex
Judy started it.
Knex entered our lives quietly....with stealth. Judy gave First a tub of them for his 6th birthday in June. I thought it was curious that when the tub was opened, out came a disproportionately small plastic bag of Knex. 150 pieces of Knex actually take up very little space. What I didn't know was that if you don't watch out, these plastic wonders multiply fast.
Sometime since we moved to Montclair (just over three months ago), Knex fever swept through our home. Kinder took a shine to them and soon he was building, creating and designing with them for a good hour upon waking, every morning. It was discovered that Owen and Lukas have a bunch and soon the kids were feeding each other their enthusiasm, ideas and delight. (Well, not so much for Lukas who is not as into them as the other three.)
Kinder and First started saving up their money and buying small sets. Then, Kinder's birthday came. The kids are blessed with many loving relatives and friends and after the dust settled, we had a lot of Knex.
This morning, I sat down with the kids to provide moral support while they completed a much anticipated Knex project and then without really thinking about it, I started to sort what appeared to be over one thousand pieces of Knex.
Some thoughts crossed my mind:
• "This is something that would be killing me if I had to do it on one of my "weekend" days. (If I was working outside of the home full-time.)"
I was grateful to have the time and space to plunk down and lose myself in sorting piece after piece of colorful hard plastic. I don't often just sit and do with the kids and this issomethingg I am looking forward to doing more of as I make the switch to more conscious homeschooling.
• "Do I need to examine (A) Cap and I passing along our completist tendencies to these innocents, and, (B) how much stuff the kids have?"
First it was Thomas and puzzles, then it was dinosaurs, now it's Cars and Knex. I'm looking forward to going deeper with them with topics and themes instead of continually adding on.
As I organized their stuff yesterday, I was reminded of how many games and books they have (I'm very out of sight, out of mind...or in this case, out of use, out of mind.) We rarely sit down and play these games and when they choose books to read with me, they tend to pick the same books. Good thoughts to have though, since I think with the aforementioned switch I'll be looking to add variety to the games we play and the books we read. Maybe it's not that we have too much stuff, but that we don't use all the stuff that we have (probably because we have too much of it!)
• "This is a living, breathing example of the importance of kids engaged in meaningful activity."
During the couple of hours we spent together on the floor, there was no bickering, no tears, no whining, no talk from First about money (his latest obsession), patience, creativity, cooperation, negotiation and compromise.
So, was my task in sorting those many, many Knex futile? It may very well be that over time the rods will be put away in the rods bin and the joints will be put away in the joints been, the gears with the gears and so on. And, we may discover that keeping the pieces sorted doesn't matter. That it's more fun to have them overflowing the big tub, dumping them out, raking our fingers and arms through them making a racket looking for that little black joint and two of the tiny blue washers.
But, simply being together, having time slow and expand so that when I came out to the kitchen I was surprised that it was almost noon, thinking my thoughts, and being part of a process that feels so good and right and hopeful and exciting---wow, I wouldn't trade this for anything.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Your mommy hates housework
Think "Free To Be You And Me". (For those of you unfamiliar with FTBYAM by Marlo Thomas and Friends, check it out, it's a classic. On the record/cd there is a bit about housework that I think Phyllis Diller does. Basically telling kids that no one likes housework, but if you do it together, it's less of a bore.)
As I gear up for January, I've begun again to outline a schedule. When I look at the schedule, parts of it feel like an agenda, in a way that is not comfortable. The "scum" that rose to the top of my thoughts this morning: housework.
I don't hate housework, but I can think of and do many other things to fill my days before I will myself to finally do some house cleaning task. I like and appreciate a clean house. My parents kept and still keep clean households. I enjoy tasks like washing dishes and doing laundry. I feel deeply satisfied after I clean my bathroom. But, I don't have that inner drive to clean and keep clean.
I understand it rationally, I love the look of it aesthetically, and even if I could afford it, I would not hire someone else to come in and do it for me. I've never minded living in a certain amount of grime and dust and personal cluttery coziness.
But, then I had kids and things did change. Just as the amount of stuff and bodies in our household increased, the amount of time and energy to attend to keeping things clean, organized and clean again, decreased. Sisyphus had nothing on me as I began to cycle in and out of denial and harsh self-judgement.
Things are somewhat more manageable now. The kids are 5 and 6 and we are much more used to having them around. And they can help us and help themselves more and more. But, moving from Massachusetts to California two years ago and then from California to New Jersey this summer, we have not had the chance to settle into our home spaces in a deep way.
We're mostly out of boxes at this point, but I don't yet feel like everything has been unpackaged, examined, ruminated upon and then placed in its new home in our home. And I'd like to do that.
Now, how did I get here from house work?
In Waldorf ways, the early years of children and family at home find the family working and being together. The parents are supposed to be models of meaningful work such as cooking, cleaning, fixing, caring, etc. So, any time I draft a schedule, I find myself putting chores down for each day, like, Monday is floor washing, Tuesday is laundry, Wednesday is dusting, etc. The thing is, I've tried it, and it doesn't resonate with me, because I don't want to be doing it. I've accused myself of various things such as laziness, slothfulness, and the epitome of undisciplined.
But, in the last couple of days, I've been rethinking the formatting of this schedule of housework. Why not do housework on one of the weekend days so that Cap and I can both be involved and modeling? Maybe I won't feel it's such a chore if we're all doing it together? And then, this morning the voice of Phyllis Diller in my head.
I think that before we can get in a groove of regular and meaningful housework, Cap and I need to do some pre-cleaning. It's a balancing act and a process though because where I see too much stuff in too little space and just want to hoover through the apartment willy nilly, he sees an abundance of memories and objects which serve many purposes, some of which may not be immediately obvious.
I continue to tinker at this, being a partner, a family, a mother, a citizen.
As I gear up for January, I've begun again to outline a schedule. When I look at the schedule, parts of it feel like an agenda, in a way that is not comfortable. The "scum" that rose to the top of my thoughts this morning: housework.
I don't hate housework, but I can think of and do many other things to fill my days before I will myself to finally do some house cleaning task. I like and appreciate a clean house. My parents kept and still keep clean households. I enjoy tasks like washing dishes and doing laundry. I feel deeply satisfied after I clean my bathroom. But, I don't have that inner drive to clean and keep clean.
I understand it rationally, I love the look of it aesthetically, and even if I could afford it, I would not hire someone else to come in and do it for me. I've never minded living in a certain amount of grime and dust and personal cluttery coziness.
But, then I had kids and things did change. Just as the amount of stuff and bodies in our household increased, the amount of time and energy to attend to keeping things clean, organized and clean again, decreased. Sisyphus had nothing on me as I began to cycle in and out of denial and harsh self-judgement.
Things are somewhat more manageable now. The kids are 5 and 6 and we are much more used to having them around. And they can help us and help themselves more and more. But, moving from Massachusetts to California two years ago and then from California to New Jersey this summer, we have not had the chance to settle into our home spaces in a deep way.
We're mostly out of boxes at this point, but I don't yet feel like everything has been unpackaged, examined, ruminated upon and then placed in its new home in our home. And I'd like to do that.
Now, how did I get here from house work?
In Waldorf ways, the early years of children and family at home find the family working and being together. The parents are supposed to be models of meaningful work such as cooking, cleaning, fixing, caring, etc. So, any time I draft a schedule, I find myself putting chores down for each day, like, Monday is floor washing, Tuesday is laundry, Wednesday is dusting, etc. The thing is, I've tried it, and it doesn't resonate with me, because I don't want to be doing it. I've accused myself of various things such as laziness, slothfulness, and the epitome of undisciplined.
But, in the last couple of days, I've been rethinking the formatting of this schedule of housework. Why not do housework on one of the weekend days so that Cap and I can both be involved and modeling? Maybe I won't feel it's such a chore if we're all doing it together? And then, this morning the voice of Phyllis Diller in my head.
I think that before we can get in a groove of regular and meaningful housework, Cap and I need to do some pre-cleaning. It's a balancing act and a process though because where I see too much stuff in too little space and just want to hoover through the apartment willy nilly, he sees an abundance of memories and objects which serve many purposes, some of which may not be immediately obvious.
I continue to tinker at this, being a partner, a family, a mother, a citizen.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Taming time
Periodically, I make attempts to tame time. When I'm doing it, of course I don't realize how fruitless an endeavor it is. I think it does help to reduce the tension of chaos in the moment. It's one of my rituals, I guess. Sitting down and mapping things out on paper in order to see what is possible, prioritize, and for a few moments anyway, make things still.
My last attempt was two days ago. I didn't know I was going to be doing it, but there I was, sitting at the computer, making schedules for the weekdays starting in the quickly looming month of January, what I've been thinking of as the "start" of the rest of the school year. My inspiration was that I could make schedules for each day, giving me more space per page compared to past schedules I've drawn up which were more "week-at-a-glance".
Well, once I was looking at "day-at-a-glance", I started to feel squeezed. How is there possibly enough time in a day?
And so, evolved the epiphany this morning, "taming time". What am I trying to do and why? Time doesn't exist to be tamed. It exists to be filled with what we want it to be filled with. It should not be ruling me, I should be...not getting my panties rolled up in a bunch about it. How's that for eloquence.
One of my biggest struggles is with having a side that doesn't care a bit about what others think, and having a side that judges myself relentlessly. And the judge-y part of me has been inevitably affected by what I see and hear around me, effortlessly absorbing it all. It is in response to this that I sometimes feel like the best thing in the world for me would be to go live in a hut somewhere, off the grid. Grow my own food, wake with the sun, sleep with the dark, you know the drill.
But, no, now, now, focus on the now. I give myself the proverbial pinch and wake up and it feels like it's time to scramble, again. Don't spend too much time making lists or spiralling into thought, just do. Look around my home and space, listen to my kids and partner, slow down enough to feel what is inside me, and go from there. Be ruled by this. It's not time that needs to be tamed after all.
My last attempt was two days ago. I didn't know I was going to be doing it, but there I was, sitting at the computer, making schedules for the weekdays starting in the quickly looming month of January, what I've been thinking of as the "start" of the rest of the school year. My inspiration was that I could make schedules for each day, giving me more space per page compared to past schedules I've drawn up which were more "week-at-a-glance".
Well, once I was looking at "day-at-a-glance", I started to feel squeezed. How is there possibly enough time in a day?
And so, evolved the epiphany this morning, "taming time". What am I trying to do and why? Time doesn't exist to be tamed. It exists to be filled with what we want it to be filled with. It should not be ruling me, I should be...not getting my panties rolled up in a bunch about it. How's that for eloquence.
One of my biggest struggles is with having a side that doesn't care a bit about what others think, and having a side that judges myself relentlessly. And the judge-y part of me has been inevitably affected by what I see and hear around me, effortlessly absorbing it all. It is in response to this that I sometimes feel like the best thing in the world for me would be to go live in a hut somewhere, off the grid. Grow my own food, wake with the sun, sleep with the dark, you know the drill.
But, no, now, now, focus on the now. I give myself the proverbial pinch and wake up and it feels like it's time to scramble, again. Don't spend too much time making lists or spiralling into thought, just do. Look around my home and space, listen to my kids and partner, slow down enough to feel what is inside me, and go from there. Be ruled by this. It's not time that needs to be tamed after all.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Where to start
Here.
Cap came home this morning from a week away. He flew the red-eye and after a quick shower and bowl of cereal, went to work. All he wants to do tonight is crack open a beer and chill on the couch. He's out getting some Chinese food as I type.
The kids and I went to Fiber Arts Circle today. It was at Holly and Lucia's house. Kelly, Lila and Pippa were there, as were Mary, Grace and Elinor. We met Mary and her daughters for the first time today. It was nice. Comfortable, open, welcoming.
I had pretty serious apartment envy, Holly's place is on the 6th floor of an 8 floor, old, beautiful apartment building with two apartments per floor. 1500 sq. ft., hardwood floors, high ceilings and a view of the Manhattan skyline. I felt like I was in a nest high atop the treetops. (An even lovelier surprise was returning home and feeling a powerful sense and love of our home. It's currently a mess and has such drab carpets and bare walls and is so not put together, but it's still our place, no doubt.)
Kinder started weaving on one of those pot holder making looms. He got about half the loops on going in one direction :-) First wanted to make snow out of fibers and worked on that for awhile. He ended up sewing up a piece of wool roving into a little ball. I brought along a few unfinished things that have been laying around for awhile and managed to sew back on the head of a little stuffed cat.
I'm looking forward to becoming more regular attendants of this gathering.
Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange. I have learned that First likes the terminology of "school". So when I said we were going on a "field trip", as opposed to "let's go check out the zoo", he was thrilled and excited. I asked him recently what he wanted to "do" once we resume more of a structured "home school" in January and the first thing he said was that he wanted home work :-)
I developed yet a new incarnation of a schedule yesterday and when I showed him that I'd like to have a block with Kinder during which time he would do stuff on his own, I impulsively said, "you know, like homework", and boy did his smile shine.
Wednesday we have a playdate with a Waldorf inspired home schooling family.
Friday we are going to observe a drumming and movement class that has a wonderful reputation for having amazing teachers.
Saturday, hopefully, we'll put the tree and decorations up.
Sunday, I have an appointment with Dr. Li and the kids will spend time with their uncle Takai and Auntie Lisa in Forest Hills.
Chinese food is here. Heroes is on tonight. Thanks for reading, my friends and sorry for the long absence.
Cap came home this morning from a week away. He flew the red-eye and after a quick shower and bowl of cereal, went to work. All he wants to do tonight is crack open a beer and chill on the couch. He's out getting some Chinese food as I type.
The kids and I went to Fiber Arts Circle today. It was at Holly and Lucia's house. Kelly, Lila and Pippa were there, as were Mary, Grace and Elinor. We met Mary and her daughters for the first time today. It was nice. Comfortable, open, welcoming.
I had pretty serious apartment envy, Holly's place is on the 6th floor of an 8 floor, old, beautiful apartment building with two apartments per floor. 1500 sq. ft., hardwood floors, high ceilings and a view of the Manhattan skyline. I felt like I was in a nest high atop the treetops. (An even lovelier surprise was returning home and feeling a powerful sense and love of our home. It's currently a mess and has such drab carpets and bare walls and is so not put together, but it's still our place, no doubt.)
Kinder started weaving on one of those pot holder making looms. He got about half the loops on going in one direction :-) First wanted to make snow out of fibers and worked on that for awhile. He ended up sewing up a piece of wool roving into a little ball. I brought along a few unfinished things that have been laying around for awhile and managed to sew back on the head of a little stuffed cat.
I'm looking forward to becoming more regular attendants of this gathering.
Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange. I have learned that First likes the terminology of "school". So when I said we were going on a "field trip", as opposed to "let's go check out the zoo", he was thrilled and excited. I asked him recently what he wanted to "do" once we resume more of a structured "home school" in January and the first thing he said was that he wanted home work :-)
I developed yet a new incarnation of a schedule yesterday and when I showed him that I'd like to have a block with Kinder during which time he would do stuff on his own, I impulsively said, "you know, like homework", and boy did his smile shine.
Wednesday we have a playdate with a Waldorf inspired home schooling family.
Friday we are going to observe a drumming and movement class that has a wonderful reputation for having amazing teachers.
Saturday, hopefully, we'll put the tree and decorations up.
Sunday, I have an appointment with Dr. Li and the kids will spend time with their uncle Takai and Auntie Lisa in Forest Hills.
Chinese food is here. Heroes is on tonight. Thanks for reading, my friends and sorry for the long absence.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Moonlight Magic
Kinder lay himself down on the floor in a square of moonlight. It was so striking that I crawled over from my usual bedtime spot on Kinder's beanbag chair and joined him. First did, too. We marvelled at how quickly the moon had changed to full. We had looked at the moon in all her gibbous, Halloween glory only two nights ago as we walked home from trick-or-treating.
We lay on our backs, looking up at the moon and sang our bedtime songs: Twinkle, Twinkle; Hush Little Alien; This Little Light of Mine; and Baby Beluga. Inspired by our togetherness, bodies warmly snuggled, we moved our arms and hands about to the songs. It was so nice, a lovely change of pace to our normal routine brought about by something as simple and awesome as moonlight.
And then I realized that we were in the exact spot where the window had blown in and landed on Friday night, just six nights ago. My mood faltered just a bit, but then it soldiered on and I went with it. We took back the spot, the moonlight was too irresistable.
We lay on our backs, looking up at the moon and sang our bedtime songs: Twinkle, Twinkle; Hush Little Alien; This Little Light of Mine; and Baby Beluga. Inspired by our togetherness, bodies warmly snuggled, we moved our arms and hands about to the songs. It was so nice, a lovely change of pace to our normal routine brought about by something as simple and awesome as moonlight.
And then I realized that we were in the exact spot where the window had blown in and landed on Friday night, just six nights ago. My mood faltered just a bit, but then it soldiered on and I went with it. We took back the spot, the moonlight was too irresistable.
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