Taming time

Periodically, I make attempts to tame time. When I'm doing it, of course I don't realize how fruitless an endeavor it is. I think it does help to reduce the tension of chaos in the moment. It's one of my rituals, I guess. Sitting down and mapping things out on paper in order to see what is possible, prioritize, and for a few moments anyway, make things still.

My last attempt was two days ago. I didn't know I was going to be doing it, but there I was, sitting at the computer, making schedules for the weekdays starting in the quickly looming month of January, what I've been thinking of as the "start" of the rest of the school year. My inspiration was that I could make schedules for each day, giving me more space per page compared to past schedules I've drawn up which were more "week-at-a-glance".

Well, once I was looking at "day-at-a-glance", I started to feel squeezed. How is there possibly enough time in a day?

And so, evolved the epiphany this morning, "taming time". What am I trying to do and why? Time doesn't exist to be tamed. It exists to be filled with what we want it to be filled with. It should not be ruling me, I should be...not getting my panties rolled up in a bunch about it. How's that for eloquence.

One of my biggest struggles is with having a side that doesn't care a bit about what others think, and having a side that judges myself relentlessly. And the judge-y part of me has been inevitably affected by what I see and hear around me, effortlessly absorbing it all. It is in response to this that I sometimes feel like the best thing in the world for me would be to go live in a hut somewhere, off the grid. Grow my own food, wake with the sun, sleep with the dark, you know the drill.

But, no, now, now, focus on the now. I give myself the proverbial pinch and wake up and it feels like it's time to scramble, again. Don't spend too much time making lists or spiralling into thought, just do. Look around my home and space, listen to my kids and partner, slow down enough to feel what is inside me, and go from there. Be ruled by this. It's not time that needs to be tamed after all.