Cap and I celebrated 17 years since our first kiss this weekend. Sandy came over to be with the kids and Cap and I had nearly 24 hours together, alone.
Celebrating, taking this time for us, required peeling away of layers. It's amazing and kind of awesome how time and experience and aging and growing adds on so much to two young ones coming together in the heat of attraction. The details and accumulation of stuff...some of it becomes debris that needs to be brushed away. More so than maybe I realized.
I feel like I've been letting stuff just hang on, that I've been quite still not disturbing the acculturation of my self within my relationship. I feel like a hermit crab ready to look for another shell. One I can decorate with new eyes, and with a new aesthetic.
We saw Girlyman last night. The show was in an auditorium smaller than most school auditoriums. It was perhaps the size of an intimate lecture hall. 150 seats tops. We were in the front row, right in the middle. They were feet away from us. I felt like we were all in a big living room. Never again, I thought. They're so quiet, I also thought (I'm used to listening to them full blast while dancing around the kitchen.)
It was inspiring to see folks doing what they love, being creative for themselves, making music/art/performace cooperatively, being funny, being cute, and spreading joy and love along the way. I have a thing for artists.
And so I hope that I can continue to strive to bring artistry to my own life and my life with my children and partner. Cap and I had a good talk about homeschooling over a satisfying breakfast at the Eagle Rock diner this morning. (I tried a NJ specialty: Taylor ham --- it was good :-) I had a good talk with a new friend, Silke, about homeschooling last week, as well.
Back when I had my first kiss with Cap, I'm sure I envisioned the possibility of a life together with this cute boy. And now, here I am, with a life with him. I've had my moments the past few years when I've longed for, screamed for, a return to the heat, the romance, the sweeping off of feet, of promise. I've wondered, in the last few years, if there is a necessary trade off. That with stability, with commitment and children there comes a requisite loss of that bubbly unknown. The excitement of what can only be imagined.
It's time to come out from under the yoke of the old shell. It's a lovely place in its way, comforting and familiar, but with some stale corners...some hardened edges. I will keep with me myself. The original me. The me inside. The me that matters. The me that I know can generate heat, promise and bubbly excitement.
2 comments:
Dearest Manatee: Remember my telling you about my aunt? She always went on about her husband & treated him as though he were the Second Incarnation. (A horrible stretch!) Over the years, he became what she professed he was. Honestly. I don't understand it, but it worked. Shut off the logic & adopt her method. Love grew & grew. Love is crazy. Be nuts.
Thanks, good advice :-)
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