The egg has dropped

Wow. Ovulation induced ranting yesterday. By late afternoon I was nearly catatonic.

But, the day arced nicely. We didn't make it to Fiber Arts (I may have to accept that it is simply not their cup of tea), but we spent some time outside on the porch and in the backyard. I needed pics for our holiday card. I gave it time and the kids were amenable to being photographed while being very playful. I was reminded of Karen's words and method for photographing, to take time.

Here's a link to her photography website: http://web.mac.com/raymondkg/iWeb/Site/Welcome.html


So, it was a pleasure. I hadn't taken candids of them in a long time and I loved settling into the zen of it. It was warm, in the 50s, the sky was blue with some clouds, the trees mostly bare of their leaves.

Then I made a tortilla patata (a potato frittata-esque recipe from Julia). The flame of zen was lit in me and I took my time again. Concentrated on getting the onion and potato sliced as thinly as possible, keeping the stove heat at a steady medium/low, sautéeing gently, warmly... I flipped the tortilla successfully once, then twice. Then, during the third flip, the tortilla slipped noiselessly and without fanfare off my flipping platter onto the floor. 45 minutes of tlc, splat. The kids came dashing in hearing my ohmigod. It was irreparable and inedible (the egg still uncooked on the inside, the floor really not very clean) so it went into the trash and we went to our friends' house to play.

Cap took care of getting the kids to bed last night and I was able to talk to Julia on the phone. I had to call her to tell her I was now one of the initiated, a full fledged member of the order of tortilla patata makers. Talking with her, being with her, it was so zen, too. There is just a shorthand emotionally which draws us so close. It's painful though to even think about it now. "Miss" doesn't quite encompass my feelings about the loss of Julia, Erika and Judy in my life. If I think about them or talk to them too long or deeply, I just start to feel a lot of pain, a big gaping hole.

Cap and I watched a silly and funny movie on tv last night. John Stamos playing a gay wedding planner who goes on strike protesting the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage in Maine. We NEVER watch silly movies that happen to be on tv. Ever. But, there we were relaxing and zoning out...or should I say, zenning out?

And I got me some intimacy this morning. For the first time in weeks, the kids hopped out of bed together to play rather than insisting that I get out of bed, too. (They never insist that Cap get out of bed.) What else will today bring?

Lady grey buzz

I think the decaffeinated Lady Grey tea has enough residual caffeine in it to give me a boost. Maybe it's the dollop of honey I've taken to putting into it. Girlyman is on the stereo, laundry in the machines, directions to Kelly's gotten (Fiber Arts later).

Cap was in bed most of Friday and Saturday, down with a cold. I am so bad when it comes to giving him sympathy when he gets sick. It's ridiculous, but I resent it. I think thoughts like, "wow, when's the last time I got to stay in bed for two days straight", or, "if he would just take better care of himself he wouldn't get so knocked out". Sigh.

I think it's an expression of how stretched I am. And, I really needed his presence this weekend. He was away for a week in California (including Sacramento...talk about resentment) and upon his return jumped right back into a work week. Typically, during a work week, we barely see each other. Then, he was sick, and so it's been feeling like an extended period of no contact, no cooperation, no partnership.

It's depressing.

Christmas tree/decorations? Not yet. Holiday cards? Who knows. Doing housework together this weekend? No. My own work time? Not for awhile.

We're spending Saturday night together and away this coming weekend to celebrate 17 years together. But, when time together is so sparse day-to-day, I wonder how celebratory we'll be. We'll probably be going over our calendars/coordinating schedules, and having to deal with a lot of little stuff to get it out of the way before we can even get to just chilling out.

I need some intimacy here!

I've effectively killed my buzz.

King winter

There's a strong wind this morning. It's bright, sunny and cold. The outside thermometer read 15º at 7:30 am. (I swear someone must have been out on the fire escape touching up the paint during the night because there are smudges of what look like black paint on the thermometer this morning....strange.)

I made oatmeal this morning. Oatmeal on Fridays has sunk in. I don't always make it, but I always think about it. Making and eating oatmeal is very satisfying. I didn't like having to stand at the stove for a good 15 minutes to get it going, at first, but now I love the zen of it. We use McCann's Irish steel cut oats because of the wheat contamination of rolled oats produced in the U.S. (Although I've heard there is someone now producing "safe" rolled oats --- need to look into that.) (Soy) butter, maple syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon the condiments that line the breakfast bar.

Doing some laundry. Discovering that if it can be done, doing it twice a week makes it more manageable for my back. To get to the laundry room we need to go downstairs, out the front door, around back and down into the basement through a separate entrance. We've got a great, sturdy, secondhand basket which makes the lugging easier. Doing two plus loads as opposed to the four plus loads of once-a-week laundry is proving to make a difference.

A trick to doing laundry here is to do it in the morning during the week. Generally, our upstairs and downstairs neighbors work during the day during the week. Although Donald seems to work from home sometimes.

I felt King Winter announcing his impending arrival as the wind whipped around me, me in my winter coat, with hat and gloves on, carrying the basket around the side of the house. When will it snow? Will First stand upon a snowboard this season? Will it be a white Christmas?

Time to make some lunch (rice, sausage, and spinach with tofu and miso). L and O will be here this afternoon and after that we will go observe the drumming and movement class. Cap lies in bed, felled by his jet lag/exhaustion/cold. Tonight, latkes. Decided to pass on making apple sauce, we'll have apple slices instead. And some broccoli.

Knex

Judy started it.

Knex entered our lives quietly....with stealth. Judy gave First a tub of them for his 6th birthday in June. I thought it was curious that when the tub was opened, out came a disproportionately small plastic bag of Knex. 150 pieces of Knex actually take up very little space. What I didn't know was that if you don't watch out, these plastic wonders multiply fast.

Sometime since we moved to Montclair (just over three months ago), Knex fever swept through our home. Kinder took a shine to them and soon he was building, creating and designing with them for a good hour upon waking, every morning. It was discovered that Owen and Lukas have a bunch and soon the kids were feeding each other their enthusiasm, ideas and delight. (Well, not so much for Lukas who is not as into them as the other three.)

Kinder and First started saving up their money and buying small sets. Then, Kinder's birthday came. The kids are blessed with many loving relatives and friends and after the dust settled, we had a lot of Knex.

This morning, I sat down with the kids to provide moral support while they completed a much anticipated Knex project and then without really thinking about it, I started to sort what appeared to be over one thousand pieces of Knex.

Some thoughts crossed my mind:

• "This is something that would be killing me if I had to do it on one of my "weekend" days. (If I was working outside of the home full-time.)"

I was grateful to have the time and space to plunk down and lose myself in sorting piece after piece of colorful hard plastic. I don't often just sit and do with the kids and this issomethingg I am looking forward to doing more of as I make the switch to more conscious homeschooling.

• "Do I need to examine (A) Cap and I passing along our completist tendencies to these innocents, and, (B) how much stuff the kids have?"

First it was Thomas and puzzles, then it was dinosaurs, now it's Cars and Knex. I'm looking forward to going deeper with them with topics and themes instead of continually adding on.

As I organized their stuff yesterday, I was reminded of how many games and books they have (I'm very out of sight, out of mind...or in this case, out of use, out of mind.) We rarely sit down and play these games and when they choose books to read with me, they tend to pick the same books. Good thoughts to have though, since I think with the aforementioned switch I'll be looking to add variety to the games we play and the books we read. Maybe it's not that we have too much stuff, but that we don't use all the stuff that we have (probably because we have too much of it!)

• "This is a living, breathing example of the importance of kids engaged in meaningful activity."

During the couple of hours we spent together on the floor, there was no bickering, no tears, no whining, no talk from First about money (his latest obsession), patience, creativity, cooperation, negotiation and compromise.

So, was my task in sorting those many, many Knex futile? It may very well be that over time the rods will be put away in the rods bin and the joints will be put away in the joints been, the gears with the gears and so on. And, we may discover that keeping the pieces sorted doesn't matter. That it's more fun to have them overflowing the big tub, dumping them out, raking our fingers and arms through them making a racket looking for that little black joint and two of the tiny blue washers.

But, simply being together, having time slow and expand so that when I came out to the kitchen I was surprised that it was almost noon, thinking my thoughts, and being part of a process that feels so good and right and hopeful and exciting---wow, I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Your mommy hates housework

Think "Free To Be You And Me". (For those of you unfamiliar with FTBYAM by Marlo Thomas and Friends, check it out, it's a classic. On the record/cd there is a bit about housework that I think Phyllis Diller does. Basically telling kids that no one likes housework, but if you do it together, it's less of a bore.)

As I gear up for January, I've begun again to outline a schedule. When I look at the schedule, parts of it feel like an agenda, in a way that is not comfortable. The "scum" that rose to the top of my thoughts this morning: housework.

I don't hate housework, but I can think of and do many other things to fill my days before I will myself to finally do some house cleaning task. I like and appreciate a clean house. My parents kept and still keep clean households. I enjoy tasks like washing dishes and doing laundry. I feel deeply satisfied after I clean my bathroom. But, I don't have that inner drive to clean and keep clean.

I understand it rationally, I love the look of it aesthetically, and even if I could afford it, I would not hire someone else to come in and do it for me. I've never minded living in a certain amount of grime and dust and personal cluttery coziness.

But, then I had kids and things did change. Just as the amount of stuff and bodies in our household increased, the amount of time and energy to attend to keeping things clean, organized and clean again, decreased. Sisyphus had nothing on me as I began to cycle in and out of denial and harsh self-judgement.

Things are somewhat more manageable now. The kids are 5 and 6 and we are much more used to having them around. And they can help us and help themselves more and more. But, moving from Massachusetts to California two years ago and then from California to New Jersey this summer, we have not had the chance to settle into our home spaces in a deep way.

We're mostly out of boxes at this point, but I don't yet feel like everything has been unpackaged, examined, ruminated upon and then placed in its new home in our home. And I'd like to do that.

Now, how did I get here from house work?

In Waldorf ways, the early years of children and family at home find the family working and being together. The parents are supposed to be models of meaningful work such as cooking, cleaning, fixing, caring, etc. So, any time I draft a schedule, I find myself putting chores down for each day, like, Monday is floor washing, Tuesday is laundry, Wednesday is dusting, etc. The thing is, I've tried it, and it doesn't resonate with me, because I don't want to be doing it. I've accused myself of various things such as laziness, slothfulness, and the epitome of undisciplined.

But, in the last couple of days, I've been rethinking the formatting of this schedule of housework. Why not do housework on one of the weekend days so that Cap and I can both be involved and modeling? Maybe I won't feel it's such a chore if we're all doing it together? And then, this morning the voice of Phyllis Diller in my head.

I think that before we can get in a groove of regular and meaningful housework, Cap and I need to do some pre-cleaning. It's a balancing act and a process though because where I see too much stuff in too little space and just want to hoover through the apartment willy nilly, he sees an abundance of memories and objects which serve many purposes, some of which may not be immediately obvious.

I continue to tinker at this, being a partner, a family, a mother, a citizen.

Taming time

Periodically, I make attempts to tame time. When I'm doing it, of course I don't realize how fruitless an endeavor it is. I think it does help to reduce the tension of chaos in the moment. It's one of my rituals, I guess. Sitting down and mapping things out on paper in order to see what is possible, prioritize, and for a few moments anyway, make things still.

My last attempt was two days ago. I didn't know I was going to be doing it, but there I was, sitting at the computer, making schedules for the weekdays starting in the quickly looming month of January, what I've been thinking of as the "start" of the rest of the school year. My inspiration was that I could make schedules for each day, giving me more space per page compared to past schedules I've drawn up which were more "week-at-a-glance".

Well, once I was looking at "day-at-a-glance", I started to feel squeezed. How is there possibly enough time in a day?

And so, evolved the epiphany this morning, "taming time". What am I trying to do and why? Time doesn't exist to be tamed. It exists to be filled with what we want it to be filled with. It should not be ruling me, I should be...not getting my panties rolled up in a bunch about it. How's that for eloquence.

One of my biggest struggles is with having a side that doesn't care a bit about what others think, and having a side that judges myself relentlessly. And the judge-y part of me has been inevitably affected by what I see and hear around me, effortlessly absorbing it all. It is in response to this that I sometimes feel like the best thing in the world for me would be to go live in a hut somewhere, off the grid. Grow my own food, wake with the sun, sleep with the dark, you know the drill.

But, no, now, now, focus on the now. I give myself the proverbial pinch and wake up and it feels like it's time to scramble, again. Don't spend too much time making lists or spiralling into thought, just do. Look around my home and space, listen to my kids and partner, slow down enough to feel what is inside me, and go from there. Be ruled by this. It's not time that needs to be tamed after all.

Where to start

Here.

Cap came home this morning from a week away. He flew the red-eye and after a quick shower and bowl of cereal, went to work. All he wants to do tonight is crack open a beer and chill on the couch. He's out getting some Chinese food as I type.

The kids and I went to Fiber Arts Circle today. It was at Holly and Lucia's house. Kelly, Lila and Pippa were there, as were Mary, Grace and Elinor. We met Mary and her daughters for the first time today. It was nice. Comfortable, open, welcoming.

I had pretty serious apartment envy, Holly's place is on the 6th floor of an 8 floor, old, beautiful apartment building with two apartments per floor. 1500 sq. ft., hardwood floors, high ceilings and a view of the Manhattan skyline. I felt like I was in a nest high atop the treetops. (An even lovelier surprise was returning home and feeling a powerful sense and love of our home. It's currently a mess and has such drab carpets and bare walls and is so not put together, but it's still our place, no doubt.)

Kinder started weaving on one of those pot holder making looms. He got about half the loops on going in one direction :-) First wanted to make snow out of fibers and worked on that for awhile. He ended up sewing up a piece of wool roving into a little ball. I brought along a few unfinished things that have been laying around for awhile and managed to sew back on the head of a little stuffed cat.

I'm looking forward to becoming more regular attendants of this gathering.

Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange. I have learned that First likes the terminology of "school". So when I said we were going on a "field trip", as opposed to "let's go check out the zoo", he was thrilled and excited. I asked him recently what he wanted to "do" once we resume more of a structured "home school" in January and the first thing he said was that he wanted home work :-)

I developed yet a new incarnation of a schedule yesterday and when I showed him that I'd like to have a block with Kinder during which time he would do stuff on his own, I impulsively said, "you know, like homework", and boy did his smile shine.

Wednesday we have a playdate with a Waldorf inspired home schooling family.

Friday we are going to observe a drumming and movement class that has a wonderful reputation for having amazing teachers.

Saturday, hopefully, we'll put the tree and decorations up.

Sunday, I have an appointment with Dr. Li and the kids will spend time with their uncle Takai and Auntie Lisa in Forest Hills.

Chinese food is here. Heroes is on tonight. Thanks for reading, my friends and sorry for the long absence.

Moonlight Magic

Kinder lay himself down on the floor in a square of moonlight. It was so striking that I crawled over from my usual bedtime spot on Kinder's beanbag chair and joined him. First did, too. We marvelled at how quickly the moon had changed to full. We had looked at the moon in all her gibbous, Halloween glory only two nights ago as we walked home from trick-or-treating.

We lay on our backs, looking up at the moon and sang our bedtime songs: Twinkle, Twinkle; Hush Little Alien; This Little Light of Mine; and Baby Beluga. Inspired by our togetherness, bodies warmly snuggled, we moved our arms and hands about to the songs. It was so nice, a lovely change of pace to our normal routine brought about by something as simple and awesome as moonlight.

And then I realized that we were in the exact spot where the window had blown in and landed on Friday night, just six nights ago. My mood faltered just a bit, but then it soldiered on and I went with it. We took back the spot, the moonlight was too irresistable.

Bath

I took the bath because my sciatic pain was flaring up big time. Also, because a cold front has descended upon us and our apartment and my body were cold.

I love baths, Japanese style. Deep, deep tub, hot, hot water. In this country, clawfoot tubs provide a close second experience (although honestly, it's like comparing apples to oranges). I haven't had a clawfoot tub since Ben's and my place in SF.

So, despite things like Mare sending me bath bombs and my efforts to create wonderful aromatherapeutic bath times for the kids, I don't often take baths. I know they're good for me, but....

I'm so glad that I did tonight. Drops of grapefruit and rose geranium essential oils (the rg is from a precious, small, brown bottle from Wendy that is about to run out) set the stage. Grapefruit is my favorite eo. Rose is First's. Kinder favors vanilla. First hung out with me while the tub filled up. The three steps going down from their bedroom into the bathroom a convenient sitting place.

When I step into a hot bath, it feels like coming home. So comforting, so enlivening. It literally forces me back into my own skin. And this, was the valuable lesson I learned. With a hot bath, I can experience at home, a respite from the noise in my head. Even the various body parts poking out of the tub didn't bother me. Nor having to roll over occasionally to get an even heat.

I need to ask Mare to send me a bath bomb because I plan on doing this again soon.

Play

Kinder has been really into K-nex. He builds cars, machines, gadgets, and structures, some from exposure to stuff from "real" life, some drawn from his imagination. He usually spends 30-60 minutes across a day playing with these.

First has been into playing store. He usually is the proprietor of a comic book store, although his wares usually include dvds and computer games, too. He takes a lot of care to create his displays and then invites me to come and buy. He enjoys figuring out change for me.

Today Kinder made a store for the first time. First often builds with K-nex, too. There is overlap.

Today, together, they did some "experiments" at the bathroom sink (a regular activity for Kinder, but not for First). Mostly this seemed to involve slathering one of their baby dolls with toothpaste, soap and Aquaphor. After they had their way with him, they gave him a bath in the tub. Incidentally, soap, toothpaste and Aquaphor may be a magical solution to a semi-clogged sink. We'll see how the sink does, but it seems to be draining quicker.

After lunch they treated me to a puppet show. It was about three old ladies rolling down a hill. Again, an elaborate set-up was involved with attention to detail and the use of toys from many different categories. I didn't understand most of it, but enjoyed it immensely. First rarely "performs" for us and he flew through his rendition of this story. He explained later that part of it was inspired by an "Over The Hedge" preview he saw somewhere (which I missed).

Then, it was onto restaurant play. They created "Nauna's" and invited me to come in for a meal. Nauna's is the name of a local pizzeria/restaurant. The debate over how to pronounce the name continued as Kinder called it "nawnas" and First called it "nanas". I had some Eggplant Mash, Strawberry Dumplings, Hot Dog Pizza and Baby Food Pizza. For dessert I had white chocolate and Fruit Punch Dumplings.

In between play I've been responding to student e-mails, paying bills online, transferring credit card balances to a new 0% APR credit card, doing laundry, feeding, cleaning, figuring out our Friday plans (I'm taking the kids into NYC to see my parents) and baking French bread for dinner.

Soon I need to help them clean up so we can be ready to play with Lukas if he's up for it after his long day at school.

Auntie Barbra

Barbra came to visit from Oakland and she was just the dose of grounding friendship that I needed.

First, life kind of paused. On Thursday we cleaned and prepared the room where Auntie Barbra would be sleeping. We had a nighttime adventure picking her up at Newark Airport (First loves to take drives at night.)

On Friday, we had a lovely oatmeal breakfast and just relaxed. In the late afternoon B and I drove out to her hometown and tripped down memory lane. Highlights for me were the bakery and the Magick Shop at the end of Main Street. And just being able to be with her for this special time. We ended with dinner at Greek Delight in Montclair, a chance stumblig upon which yielded much yummy food.

Over dinner B asked me about homeschooling. It was the catalyst for me to descend from the clattering, yet stagnated noise in my head. Over the next few days I became more and more grounded and by dinner last night, at Daikichi in Montclair (good sushi, not great), I felt l could conclude my conversation with her about how things are going and what I think. I am feeling much less rambly and more focused.

(In between, B went to Cass and Bob's for a couple of days. We had a lovely time with Cara, Ethan and Charlie on Saturday and a great family hike on Sunday. I made a to-die-for pot of soup and Erik's loaves of nisu - Finnish cardamom bread - were perfect.)

So, we're at a point where Cap and I need to sit down and map out our goals for the year. Now that I've tried out some things to establish what our days do and could look like, I need to flip over to the other side of things---where we want to end up (concretely, in terms of skills taught/learned).

Interestingly, I have the feeling that our system is going to be humming along nicely by the end of 2006/beginning of 2007. What's interesting about this is that many, many moons ago, I had proposed that we do a laid back extension of a Waldorfy Kindergarten with the kids from Sept-Dec. I felt this would give the kids and I time to acclimate to Montclair and discover who we are in this place, where we like to go, what we like to do, who we do it with. Knowing that homeschooled kids generally finish up their year's academic requirements in a much shorter time than their in-school peers, I thought we could do First's first grade work from Jan-June.

This would have given me Sept-Dec to work on and work out curriculum considerations and planning. Cap was resistant to this idea. And, at the time, I was okay with letting go. It seems like it's coming back full circle.

I read a quote on a magnet in Whole Foods today. It was an Abe Lincoln quote. I can't find it in a quick internet search. But, it reminded me of the kind of thing Dr. Li has said/would say. Don't worry, take it easy and slow. Eat three square meals, exercise, and sleep. Something along those lines. I feel like I've unhitched myself from a team of horses that served a purpose, perhaps, but for now, it's time to stable them. I'm switching course, continuing on the journey, more grounded, feeling much easier.

Kinder

Today I took the kids out around 3:00 pm. It had been a lethargic day and a gloomy one weather-wise. Both kids had low grade temps and I had canceled a playground date. But, there was a lull that felt like it could teeter into unproductive ennui and so I announced a walk to a nearby store.

We walked to Dem Two Hands, a funky boutiquey kind of place. The autumn colored leaves were in stark contrast to the greyness of the day. As we walked, Kinder expressed his desire to grab some of the leaves from the trees. He wished that he could climb up into a tree or somehow just get some in his hands. I didn't quite get it yet.

The kids were patient in the store as I looked for something for Danielle. She turns forty on Friday and I wanted to see f I could find a little something. They leave Friday for a weekend in Maine and I wanted to try to give her something before they depart. Success was had---Kinder helped me make some selections.

On the walk home, we approached a stand of trees near the Rand School. The ground on one side of the sidewalk sloped up and the lowest branches of the trees on the other side of the sidewalk hung down to meet the slope. Kinder crowed out, "I can reach those leaves!", and off he went.

I realized today, in a quiet, but visceral way, how much Kinder is like me, and how much I want to return to "being" in the way that he is. We take walks nearly every day and we've been looking at trees and leaves a lot. But, it has not been enough for him to pick up leaves off the ground. He has been wanting to experience the leaves in the trees, the leaves in their original form.

As he has grown familiar with our walks and comfortable with the routine (left out onto Chestnut, left onto Midland, left onto the street whose name I still don't know, left onto Central and left onto Chestnut again---around the block, no crossing of streets), he has been walking slower and slower.

Today, I really saw him when I turned to check on him. I asked him to "catch up" less and less. I saw how absorbed he was with his experience. I saw him so clearly as his own person, with his own thoughts and his own pace.

Today he worked for a long time on a K-nex piece. He told First and me that it was Doc Ock. I wish I had taken a picture of it. I wish I had made more of a fuss over it. He has been interested in Spiderman and the villains of his world since this summer. Lisa's mom, Sara, gave the kids a book about Spiderman and he's been hooked ever since. I love that he was working out his visualization of Doc Ock using these abstract 3-D materials.

I've been worried that I haven't been paying as much attention to Kinder as I've been planning "homeschool" recently. Well, the last two days have been an interesting time of germination. I've been using the schedule I developed to help guide our rhythm in terms of household chores and meals, but a lot of the "learning" has come about more organically and spontaneously (ie. not according to the schedule).

Tonight we snuggled in the big bed for Read Aloud. Finn Family Moomintroll is our "official" read aloud book, but we also read a Donald Duck comic (First's choice) and a Backyardigans book (Kinder's choice). It was a nice way to end our day. We also decided to make pacakes for breakfast because the pancakes the Moomin family were eating for breakfast sounded really yummy.

Not school at home

This thought wandered into my head as I lay in the dark waiting for First to fall asleep. Not school at home.

And I took a deep out breath. I've been pushing it a bit, trying to make things school at home.

Let me just say that pushing First's bedtime to 7:30 has worked out wonderfully. Now each boy gets some one-on-one attention while they drift off, which is nice for them, and for us. While one of us is in with Kinder, First has been hanging out on the couch in the livingroom reading his comics. (We are pretty much operating on a one parent-two kids/one parent working system most of the time.) By the time we come out to be with First, it's usually 7:20 or 7:25. We read with him for a few minutes and then he gets in bed at 7:30. By this time, he is yawning and fuzzy and quite ready for bed.

The comforters have been working out well, too. Worth the money. Whether it's snuggling in for the night or making their beds in the morning, the one layer is much easier for them to manage than the three of sheet-blanket-quilted cover.

Back to daytime.

Form Drawing has been interesting. First is particularly interested in making his own pictures/images out of the forms. So far, he's made a butterflies and a sun. For our purposes, for now, I've decided to let him. He has to follow certain rules about using only block crayons and making his forms from top to bottom and using one, fluid motion, as much as possible. But, once he's practiced the forms we're working on, I'm letting him make his pictures, even in his Main Lesson Book.

Today, after making banana muffins for snack and doing Form Drawing, we drove Cap to the Uni and from there, took a field trip. We drove back roads to Millburn, to visit the Whole Foods there. It was a nice drive. The leaves are starting their autumn change and although it wasn't a New England back roads drive in fall, it was very pretty.

We're going apple and pumpkin picking this weekend and our extended family on my side will be joining us. We're going here: http://www.peacefulvalleyorchards.com/ We've invited them over for an early dinner afterwards. I'll be making braised pork with scallions, ginger and garlic, teriyaki chicken, a salad (we'll be picking up our Purple Dragon share Saturday morning), rice, and a chocolate cake for dessert.

For the last few nights, I've been going back through our old copies of Living Without and dogearing recipes. I came across one for chocolate cake and frosting that sounds really good and chocolate chip cookies, too. I thought the family gathering was the perfect reason to bake the cake sooner than later. (They'll be my guinea pigs.) Hence, the field trip to the Whole Foods. We have a WF in town, not a five minute drive away, but it is a small one and their GF selection is correspondingly small.

I found everything I needed except for sweet rice flour. I'm going to substitute white rice flour and hope for the best.

By this afternoon I was feeling crappy. As if I had PMS again, like I did last week. Except I got my period on Sunday and so should not be feeling this way. Pre-menopausal loop-de-loop maybe? Inexplicable rage, short fuse, big yawns...Cap took the kids to the comic book store. They love going. I did a bit of Lesley work and then delved into cooking/the kitchen which is what I did just before getting my period. Whipped up a chahan (Japanese style fried rice) for dinner, re/labeled our pantry storage containers, and after dinner, mixed up and threw in the ingredients for a GF loaf in the bread machine. It's starting to smell like fresh, baked bread :-)

After a shower, I am feeling human again. Bedtime was smooth and cozy (see above :-)

Look at me, I'm all smiles!

A better day

Yesterday sucked.

But, I'm not going to get into it now. I am starting to feel like a broken record lately. Just ask my sister who unforutnately has been getting the brunt of my venting, I fear.

Last night, Cap came home around 7:30, the kids were in bed (though First came out periodically unable to fall asleep), and I was agitated, almost paralyzed. Luckily, I was able to spit out my problems. Cap is a great problem solver. His objective eye, caring soul and giving heart have helped me repeatedly over the last weeks.

This morning, I whipped up a new schedule and discussed it with the kids after our walk. I asked for their input for certain sections. I could see that, especially for First, things were clearer to him in terms of what the expectations were in terms of a rhythm that each day would have. Kinder lost interest/couldn't keep up with too much of the details.

I wish I could upload it here...maybe I can cut and paste it. Nope, it gets all wibbly AND you don't get the nice table effect. I love making tables.

Here's the gist:

• Morning Routine

• Breakfast

• House Work

• Walk

• Circle

• School Work

• Snack

• School Work

• Read Aloud

• Lunch

• Quiet Time

• School Work

• Snack

• Outdoor Play

• Quiet/Indoor Play

• Clean Up

• Dinner

• Games/Bath

• Night Routine

On Mondays and Fridays we will have regular outings with our local homeschoolers group: "gecho" (Greater Essex County homeschoolers organization).

On Mondays we will join a Fiber Arts Circle that rotates through people's homes three Mondays a month. Parents and kids can work on knitting and the such, kids can also play. One Monday a month is the gathering at the library. This was a bit of a bust last time we went. The room was crowded and pretty nosiy. The kids were soon overwhelmed and we ended up in the Children's library upstairs.

On Fridays, folks gather at a park in Montclair for outdoor play. Our Fridays have been pretty loose, but Cap and I tightened up our schedules last night which will allow me to take the kids to the park regularly.

I have definitely been noticing our lack of time with other kids. Part of it has been trying to tame the chaos, but part of it is my own shyness. So, it's time to change that. It occurred to me a few days ago that we need to meet some more kids because Kinder's birthday is in November and we need to have friends to invite!

I'm hoping that we might have a regular, weekly playdate with Owen and Lukas. Like we did with Bennett and Malachi. We'll see.

The kids chose house work tasks to assign to certain days and they helped me draw up a list of snacks and we assigned those to days too, for the morning snack. I also mapped out breakfasts for the weekdays. This was something I did last year, before we were homeschooling and it helped a lot not to have to think of what to make at a given mealtime.

During Quiet Time, I will be doing yoga, some aerobic exercise and stretching. I caught sight of myself in a picture that Dave, Jodie's boyfriend took at our house last weekend when Jay and Lily were visiting and nearly had a heart attack. It was one of those freakish angles, but oh my goodness, it was a wake up call. That and the fact that I get out of breath climbing up a flight of stairs.

I'm changing the old diet, too. It's so hard, last night when I was relating my stress to Cap, I was dying for chocolate, something sweet and stimulating. I settled for a cup of peppermint tea with honey, which ended up being great (our talking really helped, too).

I'm pushing First's bedtime back to 7:30. Kinder's will stay at 7:00 (bearing in mind that day light savings will be coming to an end in less than a month). First is ready for recognition that he is older. We had played around with shifting his bedtime while still in Sac, but it fell by the wayside. They both sleep well, but are not getting eleven hours consistently.

First is also feeling the effects of always being with Kinder. He and I talked about it before he finally fell asleep last night, tearily. He really wants his own room. I suggested we could rig a sheet to create a wall for his bottom bunk. He said Sandy had mentioned something similar. Cap and I have talked about wanting to have some one kid only time with them. We need to revisit this.

I'll end with a highlight. Yesterday, recorder time went horribly. First was resistant to trying and just wanting to blow "as hard as he could". I abandoned it and was wondering if we should drop recorder till January, whether it was a fine motor issue, whether it was a performance anxiety issue, whether I was being too unsturctured and exploratory and what he needed was more structure, etc.

Well, today, I pushed through my own doubts and we had recorder time and it went well! He was able to cover all the holes with his fingers and he was willing and motivated to try the first few notes of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". It was very sweet and fun (maybe not auditorily recognizable yet...)

Sunday night speed blog

Kitchen shut down for the night. Love that feeling.

NJ highway signage is deficient and confusing. We were turned around all sorts of ways on an outing to the Elizabeth Toys R Us Kids' World and Ikea. Kinder and First showed impressive restraint. When they didn't have enough money for what they really wanted, they opted to save their money for what they wanted. They (unfortunately) sure didn't learn that from us.

The course is going well. Read a bunch of terrific discussion posts today.

Have some general plans for the week. I'll pick a fairytale tonight, though I won't have time to memorize it, between Amazing Race at 8:00 and The Wire at 10:00.

Must put Oz season 6 on my Netflix queue. I completely forgot about it!

Judy sent me a cyber kick in the pants, much needed. Tomorrow I start yoga and stretching during Quiet Time. Also changing the old fallback diet tomorrow. After a few weeks I'm hoping to add an aerobic component.

Had painting on the schedule for tomorrow, but the Mercurius order hasn't arrived yet, so I don't have watercolor paints yet.

Did buy the Yamaha recorder for First on Friday while driving around with Jay and Lily. The Candy Apple won't work for left handed players---beware!

More Form Drawing tomorrow. And may work on fingerknitting a long jumprope. I'm planning on jumping rope during Outdoor Play tomorrow. I have my period so I don't have to worry about leaks while jumping. Sorry, that's way too much information, but..."it's my blog and I'll tell if I want to, tell if I want to, tell if I want to..."

Time for the Race!

Morning has broken

Last night the facade cracked and my tears washed away the coats of denial and stiff upper lip and brought relief. Basically, I unmasked my sadness and let myself feel it. Wise Julia says it must have been time. Wise Barbra says being in touch with my feelings is a good place to start. Las tnight, in the throes of my despair, I could hear wise Judy saying if Momma ain't happy, then ain't no one happy.

As I lay in my bed, eyes wide open at 2:00 am this morning, I vowed to reconnect with my two boys and spend the day WITH them, not around them, not on the periphery.

We were out of bed before 7:00 (should help me stick to another vow, to start going to bed at 10:00. What's the point of being a grumpy, irritable, stay-at-home, homeschooling mom? I still love me my Jon Stewart, but I need more sleep!)

One of the first things First said this morning was that he wanted to be absent from homeschool.

We stuck to the getting dressed and making beds routine. I explained that we needed to have a loose deal of agreeing to each other's requests. His request was that he get to check out the rest of the Knex toys on Amazon (we had started that a couple of days ago).

They helped sort the laundry and I got the wash going.

Breakfast of Peanut Butter Panda Puffs and soy milk.

We went on a walk. I explained that I'd heard of a bakery that baked gluten-free items sometimes. We agreed to check it out. We ran into Danielle and checked out how the kitchen renovation is coming along. We walked to the Montclair Bread Company. It's about seven blocks away from the house. We saw where the stream from Rand Park (2 blocks from our house) ends up, a much stronger stream near the bakery.

The bakery was a revelation.

http://www.thebreadcompany.com/breadco/main.htm

First chose chocolate chip cookies, Kinder chose hot cross buns, I chose leek and lentil soup. On our way home, First suggested we sit in Rand Park and eat. Which we did. On our walk home, we noticed knots in trees which had been one of the answers to one of the riddles we read out of our riddle book at the end of breakfast.

"It's between heaven and earth and is not on a tree,
In this riddle I have told you, but you can't tell me."

Once home we continued with the wash. We made our Weather Tree (from the Christopherus First Grade Curriculum). The kids played some. We ate a lunch of leftovers and the yummy leek and lentil soup.

I talked to Jay.

The kids and I went out to the backyard for some time outside. I started flipping through Roots, Shoots, Bucket and Boots and loved what I saw. First climbed what he could of the Japanese Maple and then asked for help relocating the spider with the very ong, skinny legs. Kinder sent Ginger (his stuffed animal cat) up and down the slide. The mosquitoes and their bites became a distraction.

I talked to Sandy.

The kids' comforter covers arrived. I ripped open the boxes on the porch and tossed them into the wash. Yellow for First, rose for Kinder.

The kids played some more while I made some nikujaga (a Japanese meat and potatoes dish that is so simple and out of this world).

I talked to Julia while I cooked.

Today was a day that had me coming in and out the door frequently (the washing machine is in the basement, no access through the inside of the house). Every time I left, I worked on the traditional Japanese phrases: "ittekimasu" (I'm leaving) / "itterasshai" (Go) and "tadaima" (Just got back) / "okaerinasai" (Welcome back). It never fails to delight my ears to hear them say something in Japanese.

Kinder tonight at dinner: "oh, only one piece of nikujaga this time" (after eating the one piece of meat that came in his second helping and digging around the potatoes searching for more---the correct way would have been to say one piece of "niku" (meat) but I didn't care---it was so cute).

The day felt longer, it felt way more relaxed. The kids weren't getting into tiffs. I think part of that was that they weren't being left to their own "free" play for as long as usual. I actually kissed them good morning this morning. There was more eye contact, especially from First.

What a relief.

Now they're in bed snuggled under their new back-in-the-northeast down comforters. Chatting about the comics and movies they will write.

Late afternoon saw me at the computer doing work for my online course, Cap took the kids to the comic book store in Nutley (Kinder is into The Human Torch from Fantastic Four and Spiderman. First is into Uncle Scrooge, Donald Duck's uncle). They picked up some groceries for our healing-from-surgery downstairs neighbor and then sprawled out on the livingroom couch reading today's purchases.

Cap's now at work till 11:00. I need to make some calls to coordinate whose coming over when to visit with Jay and Lily who will be here tomorrow for an overnight from Boston. Then, The Office and Grey's Anatomy.

It's a start

Sometime over the weekend I realized I would start up the "Happy Little Homeschool" on Monday (today). A small, rosy, interior light just went on and I was ready. Were my verses memorized? No. Do we have a blackboard yet? No. Did any of the scissors other than the kitchen scissors make the move to NJ with us? Don't know, but it's looking unlikely.

What was so obvious hadn't quite hit me the right way (I guess). The kids need to start. They need a sense of closure to the summer, our big summer of chaos and transition.

Yesterday I drafted a schedule, which First really wanted. He was surprised and a bit dismayed that he didn't get any Free Play until late afternoon. Well, that's first grade for you.

Here's the schedule:

• Wake Up

• Get dressed.

• Make beds.

• Breakfast.

• Brush teeth.

• Take walk (we walked to Edgemont Park for the first time---there's a pond, playground, geese, ducks and what appeared to be a cormorant-like bird, a monument to Montclair war dead, two baseball fields....).

• Circle (this was lots of fun---the highlight for me was singing a Japanese song, "Ookina taiko/chiisana taiko" [Big drum/little drum], and banging on the big and small taiko that Cap made in Sacramento.

• Form Drawing/Drawing (First began a Form Drawing block and Kinder worked on filling his whole picture with color).

• Snack (apple sauce and peanuts---First wanted to know if this would be the regular snack on Mondays, this kind of consistent "rhythm" being something which they are used to from their time in Waldorf settings).

• Wash Snack Dishes.

• Recorder/Free Play (First and I did some warm-up clapping exercises and then explored making different sounds with our recorders---Kinder had Free Play in his room).

• Read Aloud (I had wanted Cap to pick the book, so that he'd be with us in spirit, but he didn't get around to choosing one, so I ended up picking Finn Family Moomintroll on the fly).

• Make Lunch (I ended up letting them play and made lunch by myself---I gave First the option to help with lunch, but he went with Free Play :-)

• Lunch.

• Quiet Time (they were a bit wild after lunch---unusually quiet during lunch---so I had Kinder choose a book and we read on the couch---Appelmando's Dream by Patricia Polacco. Then they brought quiet toys and books into their beds for Quiet Time---this is where we are in the schedule as I type. First came out at about the 30 minute mark but has settled back after a couple of pleas to stay with me).

• Errands (library to renew some books and the craft stores for scissors, among other things :-)

• Snack.

• Craft Activity (cut leaves for Weather Tree).

• Outdoor Play (the backyard today).

• Free Play/Clean Up Toys (while I make dinner).

• Dinner.

• Bath.

• Bedtime Stories.

• Brush Teeth.

• Bedtime.

Now, for some pleasure reading time for myself. Oh, I'm distracted by the sound of the UPS truck pulling away. I think we have a package!

Oh boy

Things came to an abrupt halt today. I was making a shopping list, organizing my larger list into three smaller ones by store: the craft store, the art supply store and Target. Cap asked a question about money and things got tense. But, then, it became evident that it was time to push aside the algae and really look at ourselves in the waters of reality. And we were able to do that, which was good. Because, oh boy, money has historically been a big trigger of stress for us.

The transition and chaos of moving trumped absolute financial attention, for two months. So today, instead of going out and getting my things to continue to plan and prepare our space and activities, I took over the pile of paperwork that Cap had been working with since I left Sacramento. Reacclimated myself to our online banking site, revisited and updated my household money worksheets, and paid some bills.

So, what does one do when one feels like there is nothing "extra" to spend on something as basic as homeschooling supplies? Well, for one, I think as the next months roll by, I'll be able to figure out how to better economize (use online resources and books from the library, start a new collection of reusable items for arts and crafts, etc.) I'll also have a better idea of how much is coming in and how much is going out. Knowing the bottom line is important.

I don't know. I had my ideas of how to try to be as fiscally responsible with our move and transition. But, I wasn't able to bring Cap onto my "page". If you're in a couple, you have to work through things like this together, and come up with solutions that work for you, as a couple. But, it's so hard sometimes to deal with the outcome compared to what I feel the outcome could have been and I just wish I could do it all my way.

So, what to do with the piles of shoes without a shoe shelf? It's all I can do to not clench internally every time I walk by them....many, many times a day.

For the first time, today, I wondered if for my emotional health, I should put First in school. It is hard to continue to deflect my feelings of guilt that I haven't started "school" yet. It's actually more than that, the guilt I feel is because I am giving them so little concentated attention around learning. Between setting up the apartment (we're not done yet), starting up my online course (I always forget how much time that takes) and the fact that they are happy to play with each other and without much supervision and intervention, the three of us haven't been spending much time really together the last four weeks.

Of course, putting him in school wouldn't deal with the root of the problem, I still would not be giving him the time and attention I want to be if he was in school and I was at home. But, it would provide me with what I really need right now, which is a free babysitter! If I could have a babysitter for five days, six hours each day, I can't even imagine how much progress I would make, how much ground I could cover...

Hum

There's been a hum in my head, in my atmosphere. A busy-ness, an anticipation, a storm before the calm (I hope).

The kids have been spending all sorts of time on their own since we moved in about four (already?!) weeks ago. I've been wrapped up in getting our home somewhat settled, and getting my online course and students somewhat settled. The nuts and bolts of starting to homeschool were truly left for the last minute.

What's been nice is my lack, for the most part, of guilt, that unhelpful state of mind which can be so paralyzing.

Here's what my "To do and get" list looks like:

• wooden mop

• feather duster

• choose read aloud book

• learn songs for: dusting, mopping, washing (from the Mary Thienes-Schunemann cds)

• choose verses, songs, fingerplays for Movement and Beginning Our Day (I made my intial choices this afternoon)
Good Morning: Seasonal Treasury p. 13
Movement game: ST p. 16
Quieting verse: ST p. 15
Michael Row Your Boat Ashore: Joyful Movement p. 70
Counting verse: ST p. 21
Riddle: ST p. 20 (The kids are very into riddles and jokes right now.)
Five Little Leaves: ST p. 48
Okina taiko (Japanese song)

• sand/water tray (sand for form drawing; water for wet-on-wet painting)

• learn some jumprope chants

• sidewalk chalk

• t-shirts

• plastic sheet? cedar chips?

• non-toxic poison ivy control

• Day of the Dead (a festival I am thinking I'd like to incorporate into our yearly rhythmn)

• new mealtime blessing: ST p. 10

• learn handwork warm-up verse: Five Little Bells from JM p. 52

• recorder warm-up: clapping game from JM p. 78

• candied apples recipe: ST p. 61

• leaf banners nature craft activity from Earthways

• Festivals, Family and Food: craft ideas with found items from nature and wool

• porch sweeping verse: Autumn p. 54

• First day of fall ceremony (in lieu of the Waldorf/Celtic festival, Michaelmas)
verse
a family story telling of an act of bravery
presentation of wooden swords with a verse
song: This Little Light of Mine

• Halloween Lantern Walk @ Sunbridge College

• make a schedule to be posted/visually accessible for kids

• black board

• Sheep and Fiber festival

• apple picking (I located an organic orchard 2 hours away after too many minutes of scrolling through the New York NOFA site---my eyes are still burning)

The kids are asleep, worn out by our pizza and movie night last night with Danielle, Owen and Lukas. My kids get really ramped up and unnerved by movies. It was Toy Story. We watched about 30 minutes of it and boy were they a mess for most of the morning. So, tonight they sleep, Cap and I are about to veg out to Elf. Tomorrow, the Sheep and Fiber festival.

I'm back

I'm in a new town, in a new climate, in a new time zone. The Happy Little Homeschool will open for business on Monday. I can't wait for everything to be just right, because it ain't gonna be, anytime soon. Things are definitely good enough, though. Piles, schmiles.

I bought Donna Simmons' First Grade Curriculum for Waldorf homeschoolers. In a short time it has helped me focus my concentration and attention. Kinder has become First. He decided a couple of weeks ago he was going to do first grade, and the short and happy of it is that his clarity and will have prevailed.

I also bought Donna's Form Drawing book and we'll be starting with a two week block (unit) of making straight lines and curves. In the air, in sand, in mud, with fingers, with toes, on paper, with block crayon. We walked Baxter this afternoon (Takai and Lisa's dog who we're dogsitting for a week) and found straight lines and curves amongst the trees, signs, stream, etc.

We'll also start recorder and working with wool (which will lead up to learning how to knit). We picked out our recorders at Montclair Music the other day. Evergreen for him, apple green for me. Kinder was bummed that he wasn't getting one and then decided that I should get him an electric guitar instead. He longs to rock out.

Tomorrow, weather permitting, we will head down to the Garden State Sheep Breeders' 12th Annual Sheep and Fiber Festival. Here's a link to their website:

http://www.quintillion.com/gssb/festival/index.html

I'm hoping that we'll be able to touch some sheep, feel some raw wool, watch some spinning and maybe buy some wool that we can dye at home. This is one of the things I love about Waldorf, the emphasis on the whole. Let's look at some sheep before we start learning to knit. See where it all begins.