Tantrum

...by me.

Another interesting PMS tidbit. The last few months I've noticed that the mood stuff shifts around. Where in the past my mood would really suffer just before getting my period, this is the second time in two or three cycles that I've been walloped with my anger/neediness factor going from zero to "eleven" (Spinal Tap anyone?) at the drop of a hat during my period.

I feel cleansed and a tad depleted. Much better now.

PMS

I asked Dr. Vinny about PMS today.

He said that mood is closely linked to the liver. He recommended the inside the leg massage that Dr. Lu had prescribed for me earlier this winter. I haven't yet begun doing this on my own. As Vinny pointed out, sometimes this TCM stuff is so simple that we don't do it. It's a puzzle.

I'm supposed to be using a brush (bristle side on the leg) and vigorously massaging up and down the inside of my leg, as high up as I can go.

He also suggested massaging the perineum (the area between the vajayjay and the anus) and that if there is a tender spot there to really work it.

He said that the mood part of PMS is a tough one which was actually comforting. It would suck to know that there are easy solutions that none of us know about.

I've noticed that since inviting TCM into my life back in the fall, my period issues have improved. Most noticeably, my flow is now consistently heavy for two days and then very light for four or five days (I've always been a seven day gal). The clottiness seems to happen every other cycle which I will follow more closely to see if it's true.

So, the heavy flow and clots haven't gone away, but they are much more controlled.

I do have crampiness for the first day which makes me consider going back on calcium-magnesium supplements for the two weeks leading up to my period because that has helped in the past.

For the moods, I'm going to go back on evening primrose oil for the two weeks leading up to my period. This cycle I was thrown off by being sick which made the thought of taking the supplements unappetizing.

I'm going to give the liver-friendly massaging a go, as well.

Gratitude

I thank my friends who continue to bestow on me beautiful and beautifying trinkets and accessories.

I used to be so much more stylin' before young children made themselves an undeniable presence in my life nearly twenty years ago.

I've nearly given up on myself, but my friends haven't. Thank you.

Sewing

Do I take the adult school class for $120 for nine 2-hour sessions?

Do I buy a book with some of my birthday money?

Do I invite my sister or mother over for a crash course in how to use my "new" machine? (I bought it last summer and still haven't used it.)

Julie's been inspiring me with her sewing projects here.

Whisper and repeat

Kinder's been doing this thing for months now. He whispers and repeats what he has just said to you with a slight smile on his face. It's for himself and not for others. He doesn't do it every single time, but quite often. Sometimes he does it repeating what you have just said. It's always just the last sentence or phrase.

It's so interesting and I haven't been able to figure out its purpose or function. But, it obviously feels good!

What is this

...transition?

Kinder doesn't eat much breakfast at all (sometimes he's happy to skip it---gets that from his daddy). First has slid into this habit of asking me what he can have and then rejecting every choice, his voice crescendo-ing into a whine of "what else? what else?" I get irritated.

So, yesterday I started putting out breakfast without asking the kids what they wanted. I made toast all around and both kids ate up silently after just a tiny yelp of protest. This morning, it's cereal. I've already eaten, their bowls and spoons and the boxes of cereal are out on the table. (First just ate with no protest at all!)

I hate this kind of grey, damp weather we have today.

I wish I could cast a vote in the democratic primary today, but I can't because I'm a registered independent. Then I think, but it's a not a vote-for-vote decision because the delegates aren't bound by the votes cast by the people. How confusing and strange.

I'm trying to get the taxes done, but am missing documentation here and there and am thwarted for now.

I'm living this balance (but it feels wobbly) of activities that we're invited to or that are open to us because of our membership in various homeschooling communities around us that my kids are not interested in participating in.

I think the natural next step will be transforming my perception of how we/they do spend our/their time. To see it in terms of what it is rather than what it isn't. And to let it take shape more organically.

In a way, I feel like I'm getting back on the ride...that I'm ready to continue what I consciously started thinking about back in early fall.

In part, the wobbly feeling is brought about as a remnant of my professional teacher self. I feel like I've "lost" time due to my own seasonal mood stuff and a slew of viral and bacterial attacks on us this winter.

But, it's all a state of mind. Because I do believe that we are all learning all the time (as John Holt says). And if you believe that, then you are never losing time.

The last king of scotland

I recorded this recently and watched it last night. It was pretty much biopic genre fare. I thought it started out strong and then petered out. I didn't know the details of the story going in, but somehow it didn't feel new or particularly fresh. This could have more to do with my jaded self than be the fault of the filmmakers.

Forest Whitaker was quite amazing. I was stunned and kind of stumped to see Gillian Anderson in it. She's better than the role she had. James McAvoy...not unlike the like the movie, he made a great impression at first, but then faded out.

Super bowl sunday

There are some guys throwing a football around up front. Most are on the other side of the street, but one is on our side. And they're throwing the football across the street to each other.

The funny thing is, is that about an hour ago, the teen brothers from next door were doing the same thing but with a frisbee.

Cap took Kinder to the field behind our yard to throw the pigskin around. I just took a peek out the bathroom window and saw that Norb, Roger, Anna and Lukas have joined them.

First is not 100% yet and opted to stay home with his crampy mom.

Our menu for tonight: sushi rolls stuffed with chicken salad, homemade french fries, and homemade onion dip with tater chips and crudité. Eclectic, n'est-ce pas?

Shortcomings

I recently read Shortcomings, a graphic novel by Adrian Tomine. I gave it to Cap awhile back after reading about it in EW (Entertainment Weekly). The author is a native of Sacramento, which was a draw. Also, Cap's interests include graphic novels and outsider art.

It was great. I liked the illustrations which was key given the format. It was cool to see a character who looked like me on the pages of something I was reading. The character was Korean-American and a dyke, but she was also funny, chubby, bespectacled, and absolutely adorable.

The story took place in Berkeley and New York City (cities I have some familiarity and history with) and was insightful, funny, and painful. I hope he writes more installments some day.

Persepolis and hollywoodland

I needed to get out of the house today. I've been so cooped up with all the illness we've been dealing with. Happily, Danielle was up for it and we walked down to the local art house and saw Persepolis.

It was well done. Triumphant, subtle and sad. I'm glad I saw it on the big screen.

Movies have been my big escape lately.

Last night Hollywoodland was on HBO so I settled in and watched it. I really enjoyed Adrien Brody in The Darjeeling Limited and liked him in Hollywoodland, too. Ben Affleck was very good, as well. And I love Diane Lane. I saw A Little Romance on the big screen way back when and have been a fan of hers ever since. Some of her facial mannerisms in this movie kept reminding me of Kima on The Wire which was SO odd.

Smokin' aces

Cap spent the day in the city yesterday participating in a conference for adult educators. He left the apartment at 6:30 and commuted in. He put in a full day and met Stephen for coffee afterwards.

The kids and I wanted to pick him up at the station, but our phones have been tempestuous and we could not connect in time. (Cap's cell has reason to be upset. It went through the washing machine a few months ago. Our home phone has no such excuse. Sometimes it rings REALLY loudly and sometimes it fails to ring at all. As if possessed.)

Cap came home around 7:30 and the kids tumbled into bed with him to hear a Rhino story (a homegrown yarn :-)

When he stumbled out, so tired, I made an executive decision and he ordered a veggie fried rice and sweet and sour chicken (his take-out comfort food).

I was worn out from attempting to keep my pms at bay for the last few hours of the day while alone with the kids. First was very needy and grumpy (his fever spiked overnight and has persisted today which explains that) and when the two of us are needy and grumpy we tend to implode and combust about each other over and over. I know, I'm the mom and I should be able to control myself, but sometimes I mess up.

So, I idly surfed through the DVR to see what we had recorded and came upon Smokin' Aces. Smokin' Aces is a flashy, hyper movie with a cast of thousands. Ben Affleck! Ray Liotta! Andy Garcia! Ari from Entourage! Alicia Keyes! Ryan Reynolds! Peter Berg! Jason Bateman!

I figured I'd watch it long enough to decide it stunk and then I'd delete it. And the Chinese food would be delivered about then and we could choose something together to hunker down with.

We ended up watching the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, it stunk. But, after awhile, I have to admit, I wanted to see how it was going to end. The best part of the movie for me was seeing Jason Bateman in his scene. He was great and got to play a part that showcased his art. And Ryan Reynolds was solid.

I then cleansed my palate with a new episode of House. Not sure why Fox held onto what was clearly the "Christmas" episode till the end of January, but I didn't care. It was a new episode of House!

Cap even watched much of this while he was at his laptop. A true sign of his fatigue.

Bel canto

Finished it in a burst and fit of emotion. What a great book.

Figures

Being sick detached me completely from the figures. As I started feeling better, I started feeling a vague yet distinct sense of dread. Was it possible that we could have hemorrhaged money while I was in my achy daze?

So this afternoon, I took a look. And then I did some end-of-the-month accounting.

Between January 1 and January 28 we spent:

$1000 on groceries (supermarket, drug store, etc.); $140 on household (post office, stationery supplies, etc.); $80 on gas for the car; and $400 on health (before insurance reimbursement).

This was a pleasure to see because it comes in $100 less than what we had budgeted.

But, there's more.

We also spent:

$245 for Kinder's spring semester drumming class fee; $175 for early-bird registration for the NEU conference which will be in May; $60 for a family membership to a local museum which will get us into the much more expensive local science museum free of charge for the next year; and we had a $790 car tune-up and repair bill for which we borrowed $700 from my parents.

I guess only time will tell if the conference and museum membership were "worth" it.

In the meantime, I feel like I am going to have to dig a bit deeper, to temper the aspect of myself which feels so much is true and important in the moment, to wait and see how these numbers roll and flow...until I can see for real, whether we're making it. (And continuing the conversation in my head about what that we are spending our money on that we can live without. Because, no Holly, I really can't imagine sending these guys to school.)

Question: what do I do with January 29, 30, and 31? (They get folded into January, I guess...) I wish each month had four weeks...exactly.

Suggestions

Danielle dropped off my b-day gift yesterday afternoon. It was quite a treat. She remembered my delight with this bag a couple of weeks ago in Target. I love it. It was stuffed with thoughtful and funky kitchen supplies.

And a gift card to the book store. What a friend.

I have some ideas of books I want to read. Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. The Lonesome Dove series by Larry McMurtry.

Since tightening up the finances, I've become more aware of a) how many books I actually own that I haven't read yet; and b) the pleasures and riches of the local used book shop.

So, I'm going to save this gift card for a moment that's not here yet. When inspiration (or, let's face it, depression) strikes and plucking a new book off the shelves of this wonderful book store is going to be the perfect answer.

And then I thought I'd see if anyone who reads this blog has any book recommendations. What have you read lately that has rocked your world?

Lonesome jim and bel canto

Lonesome Jim is a movie directed by Steve Buscemi starring Casey Affleck, Kevin Corrigan, Mary Kay Place, Seymour Cassel and Liv Tyler. A veritable indie-fest. It was quiet and quirky...one of those independent movies I appreciate without being deeply moved.

Bel Canto, on the other hand, is a whopper of a book. I'm not done with it, yet, but if you haven't read it, go find a copy and start reading. It's based on the Japanese embassy crisis that occurred in Peru in the 90s and is completely riveting. There's a lot I love about the novel. One being its message of the power of art in human experience.

Past

The kids are finally fever-free this morning. Yay!

The tulips are from Cap. In honor of my birthday. Lovely choice, I think.


I felt like cooking this morning. Kinder felt like drawing yesterday. First is telling me stories again. Life is righting itself.

I had some chocolate for the first time in awhile last night. Cap gave this bar to me. We recently watched some of Moonstruck on tv and it had us in stitches. It's Cosmo's moon! (The chocolate was good, if a touch too sweet.)


First and I both love this chair. During our sick-time we both wanted the chair. He got it and I dreamed of getting another someday.

Oy vey

We're all sick now. Yesterday morning was the rare occasion that saw us all too sick to function much. Thank goodness Cap was well enough after pain medication and some extended sleep to take over in the late morning.

I felt like I was hit by a truck and by early evening was fantasizing about a pill that would knock me out for 24 hours just so I could be free of the relentless all-over ache. Crazy, considering I slept much of the day.

I started craving matzo ball soup early in the day. At the end of the day I got chicken soup with dumplings. This morning my fever is down to low grade and the ache is gone. I believe in a good chicken soup.

Fever 2

There was some perkiness this morning, but it has been spent.

Feeling the love

Birthday presents are starting to arrive on my doorstep :-)

Gone baby gone

Something not everyone knows about me: I read crime-mystery-thrillers for fun. Law and Order SVU in print. It's certainly not all I read and it isn't even what I can be commonly found reading. But, there's something I like about the genre...the pulpiness, the yarniness, the attempts by flawed, but ultimately good guys and gals unable to do anything but work their asses off to help and serve. There's a fierce righteousness contained in these pages that draws me right in.

Lately, I've plowed through a few of these novels. Echo Park by Michael Connelly, Innocent in Death by Nora Roberts, and yesterday, I finished Gone Baby Gone by Dennis Lehane.

Gone Baby Gone sucked. In that it made me feel really bad. It's well written, and had the pulpiness and yarniness I wanted, but I can't remember the last time I felt so hopeless and full of doubt and unresolved after reading a last page and closing a book.

Maybe it's that I overconsumed, like watching one too many episodes of an SVU marathon. But, the author really posed some tough, visceral questions in this book.

I almost don't want to see the movie now. There's a degree of self-protection one can cultivate while reading a book that is near impossible while watching a movie (for me).