..."it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to, blog if I want to, blooog if I want to, you would blog too, if it happened to you!" (Well, maybe you wouldn't, but I need an outlet right now. Big time.)
Not only am I wake 2 hours later despite Aleve, I bolted awake. In a primal sleep state, I notice only that I am sweating, hot, and that I need to get up. As I tried to lift myself off the bed, taking baby steps, because I'm exhausted? because the Aleve is masking the worst of it? I make some wrong moves and pain rips through the muscles that band over my left shoulder and into the top of my ribs on the left side. I try to suppress my vocalizations as much as possible so as not to awake Cap.
This is what's been happening. Since last night. I have to get out of bed to quell that need, then I have to wait for my body to calm down from the pain infusion, then I have to wait for my mind to feel sufficiently sleepy enough so that I am mostly assured that when I get back in bed, (face down, the only position I can lie in right now), I will fall asleep soon enough not to be driven crazy that I am lying face down, again.
I love my freedom and it is challenging to find humility and dignity during this time. Instead of honoring the pain I am getting mad at it. Railing against that which is out of my control and what, in fact, is a good thing in the making.... The senseless act of the sleep deprived...
I can see more clearly now that my sense of autonomy, which brings me so much joy, hinges upon the daily choices I am privileged to make about what I do, how I make my body move, how I feel...
I miss the unconscious physicality I have with my children (reigned in big time the last 48 hours). I miss the rhythm of time unfettered. I miss the calm and groundedness of living pain-free.
