Taking a break

I've decided to take a break from blogging.

Yesterday, I thought I'd like to put our tv down in storage for a year and Cap and the kids have agreed, albeit with mixed feelings.

As far as blogging, I think it's been a good way to ground me the past year as we made a big move and settled into a new home, neighborhood, community. It helped me feel connected to family and friends, many of whom I do not have regular phone or in person contact with. Sometimes, it simply made me feel connected, even if it was to etherspace.

But, as we approach our first anniversary of leaving and arriving, I've been feeling more aware and reflective of my personal well-being. I don't know if it's that I had some blinders on to help me through the year or if it's a natural progression of having more time to think about myself, but I ain't liking some of what I see and feel.

I cycle in and out of feeling tired (often), a touch depressed (sometimes), and asexual (almost always). This is nothing new and has been consistent for years. More recently though, I've been realizing that my imagination feels very...small and dried up.

One of my homeschooling kid friends that I've met this last year took a survey a few months ago of the moms that had gathered for Fiber Arts at her house: "what are your dreams?" As each mom ticked off her answers, a feeling of dread and sadness washed over me. I had no idea. I had no answer for this fresh-faced, wonderfully alive and inquisitive girl of nine or so.

This has stayed with me. And I thank her.

As we are in a break of sorts from the "school year" routine, as we begin our second year here (with no move planned in the near future!), as the kids grow older (and particularly as First enters his next phase of childhood), as I stand perched at what I hope is the second half of my life, it is time to take stock of what I want for myself and to go about attaining that.

So, a break from tv, a break from blogging. More time clearing the pathways to help myself feel and be more connected to my true self. For me to reclaim that self, my relationship, my dreams.

Thanks to those of you kept up with me/us by reading this blog. I do want to construct some sort of family website to share photos and updates of our goings on. I'll let you know when that happens.

Love and peace.

Our quilt

Sandy (my sister) made this quilt for us. She used our chuppah, which was orchestrated by Diane and put together cooperatively by a clutch of us on a wood floor in our apartment on Bellis Circle.

Our chuppah (as it stood during the commitment ceremony) had lots of mementos dangling around the edges of it, sent to us by friends and family around the world who were unable to join us for the event. The ones made of cloth were incorporated into the quilt, the ones of paper are saved in a box.

For over ten years, this quilt was treasured privately in various containers, shuttled around with every move. It has known the insides of many closets. I recently decided to actually use it. (I'd always thought of it as my first "heirloom" piece and felt a fierce protectiveness over it.)

Now it can begin the process of living life with us...and one day join the global pantheon of tattered, beloved, beautiful quilts, which are my favorite kind.

A busy month for the tooth fairy

First lost another tooth. Second one this week, third one this month. He was completely surprised when a routine wiggle yielded a tooth in the hand. The other top front one is loose, the last of the four.

20 questions

Today the kids and I played 20 questions while eating lunch. I don't know if losing his teeth has anything to do with it, but all of a sudden, First is taking FOREVER to finish a meal. There is a kind of oh-he-used-to-do-this quality to the experience...

Anyway, we played a few rounds and then Kinder stumped us. He was clearly psyched and it was a nice ending to the meal. (Actually, First was still going, but I ushered Kinder into the bathroom to wash up, attempting to signal to First the possibility of wrapping it up.)

As Kinder washed his hands, he glanced up at me and said with a shy smile, something like, "isn't it cool that the youngest person won?" Such a simple and profound statement of who he is and what it feels like to be him.

(Cap and I are both first borns and we sometimes think about how we will never be able to completely and truly relate to Kinder in terms of birth order experience.)

In between

The stormy showers of last night were not it. The cold front is coming, but not until tonight, I guess. So, though it won't crest over 90 as it has the last few days, it will get up to almost 90 and be humid today. Again.

Cap has had the car this week driving himself to WO High for the beginning of his summer gig.

The cicadas started their death song in the yard this morning. As if I had never heard it before and as if I was brought back to summers in Japan all at once.

Also this morning, Kinder is writing Monkeys in Moonlight and First is writing Captured on Christmas. These are their Magic Treehouse stories. I am their scribe, the words are theirs. The illustrations are combinations of their own and photocopies from the books.

Janet and her family will be coming by tomorrow for a visit. I am eager to spend time with them and for the kids to get to play with each other.

Cap surprised me with a bunch of roses yesterday.

I made what will probably prove to be the last batch of scape pesto for the season. There were no new scape in our veggies this week.

Blueberries are apprently the unofficial state fruit. They are now in season. I bought two boxes at the farmer's market and they were indeed tasty.

I spent some time on the Waldorf at Home discussion forum yesterday. That felt good. Like I was doing some of what I've set out to do this summer.

Had an orange passionfruit natural soda at Danielle's yesterday. It was delicious.

Talked to Jamie for an hour last night. Some interesting stuff about introverts.

First fell asleep quickly last night. It has been a long time coming. Losing his tooth was key, I think.

Cap says he wants to stay till he finishes his tenure run. He's becoming more connected to the adult literacy/education community locally and state-wide. I'm glad for him and am okay with four more years here.

Been craving ice cream the past few nights, I think it's the weather. But, I've been pretty successfully staying away from dairy (except for those "chocolate bricks" Cap brought back from Japan). I've been making do with soy ice cream with my favorite add-in, peanut butter.

Cutting down on processed soy products. Having rice dream with my cereal and tea. Feeling kind of foolish that now, when the kids are finally acclimated to drinking soy milk as a source of calcium, I'm thinking of switching them over to rice. I was a sucker for Silk's skillful niche carving of the cow milk alternative market.

Janet just called. Their flight was cancelled and now they're not flying in till late Friday night. Bummer.

Mary and co. are headed to Ireland Sunday. I'll miss them.

Tempers are shortening here. Maybe I should put the AC on. Kinder's been punching again lately and First has been less patient.

First keeps coming round to the bowl of tamari almonds by the computer to snack.

I'm going to go download the song used at the beginning of Rescue Me. Love it.

Over the hump

We had First's "family" party on Sunday and his first "big" tooth fell out yesterday (we both had a moment of "oh no" wondering if it had gone down his gullet with some Koala Crisps --- it didn't). There is palpable relief in the air as these milestones now begin receding in the rear view mirror.


This picture is such a reflection of our DNA. Both sides of our family embrace the joyful preparation and sharing of copious amounts of food at celebrations. I do feel a distinct sense of accomplishment that this particular spread, in honor of our GFCF kid, is completely gluten and casein-free.

Summer solstice

We celebrated the longest day of the year at a local pond with friends. Our picnic supper was interrupted by a spot of rain (we ate standing, remaining completely dry, under some trees), but we saw a lot of wildlife (deer, rabbits, butterflies, ducks and ducklings) and had a nice hike around the pond with its varied ecosystems (sheer rock face, lily pads, grassy meadow, stone bridge).


I adore watching my kids be in their element in nature. And when Lukas crowed out, "let's do this again next year!," I got all warm and fuzzy. I am relishing this reality of staying put... A year ago we were in such transition.

The birds and the bees

The kids and I were conversing yesterday when Kinder asked me, completely in context and without guile, "how can your body know to stop making babies then?" I had just stated that I didn't want to be pregnant again, that I was content with my two.

Gulp.

Letting my next few sentences trail off into vapor didn't quite work, they were pretty curious. So I blundered my way through an explanation involving eggs ands seeds and absence of opportunity...and we moved on.

I discovered a couple of weeks ago that Silke is doing sex ed with her kids, culling from a UU curriculum she picked up. Danielle mentioned a book today in comic book (!) format. It is important to me that the kids are informed and comfortable about their own bodies and sexuality, and sex in general. I guess it's time for me to begin putting my money where my mouth is.

Garden pics

Lavender, the incredibly bountiful mint, echinacea, and bee balm (in the back left corner, which I had to pinch almost all of the leaves off of because of mold).






Basil, nearly decimated coriander (cilantro), and chives. I replanted the coriander hoping to rejuvenate it. If this doesn't work, I'm going to replace it with a new plant. The chives were divine in a smoked salmon sandwich at lunch today, tucked in with lettuce from the farm. Mmmm.




The mighty tomatoes, a gift from Danielle. I am stunned at how heartily these are growing.

















Kinder's sunflowers. So far, so good. I can't wait to see these bloom.
















The amazing beans. I'll be staking these soon. One of the sprouts/buds was gone this morning, the stem now sheared off at the top. I imagine a creature went for it.












For a gardening novice, self-identified "black" thumb, and fan of the natural world, I am humbled, awed, and made really happy by the goings on in our little corner of Earth.

First day of summer

A gorgeous, perfect day to celebrate the first day of summer. It dawned on me today that one of the unique and satisfying weather features of the northeast is the absolute clarity and refreshment that comes after a period of mugginess. There is an energy in this that I appreciate.

While the kids played, I worked on the solstice bracelets I'm giving to them and our friends with whom we will be celebrating tonight. We will be driving out to a pond to have a picnic dinner and frolic until the sun sets.

Listening to joyful sign

The song, not the cd. This was by far my favorite song that Girlyman sang at the concert we went to in December.

Finally got "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn yesterday. This is a book that I've been interested in reading for over a year, but hem here haw there and now it's in my hands. I read the introduction last night. Cap was tucking the kids in with a tanuki story and I had a full evening ahead of me. I started tearing up as I read, mostly PMS, but in part feeling like I was being beckoned by a supportive and understanding hand.

So, I put it down deciding to wait for a more clear headed time and watched Amores Perros instead (finding time for a 2 hour plus movie is tough these days) and followed it with a Rescue Me chaser.

Reading while walking

I watched in delight, recognition and awe as First read "High Tide In Hawaii" (Magic Treehouse #28) as he walked from the bookstore to the car. This included crossing two streets. Talk about being in the zone. Much of my delight has to do with the fact that First often isn't in the zone (as opposed to his brother who pretty much lives there).

We did go to the library this morning (where they found four or five MT titles they were interested in), but then I bartered a new book each for getting adjusted, the chiropractor's office being about a hundred feet from the bookstore.

Many blissful moments here. My adjustment was fantastic, I got to snooze for a bit this afternoon under a wonderful breeze, our Farmer John cache was exciting (bok choy! peas! baby daikon! and drumroll please...more garlic scapes!), and my man is home.

Cap's back

Big out breath :-)

I went to bed at 10:00 which hadn't occurred the whole time he was gone and Kinder slept till past 7:30 which is virtually unheard of. Cap surprised First and I by getting out of bed before Kinder and the three of us hung out and talked in the livingroom (First and I spooning on the couch under a throw, Cap tucked into the beanbag chair) about planets and stars and about all the trains Cap rode while he was in Japan.

Laundry, unpacking, chiropractor, Target, bank, CSA, thank you cards, haircuts, and staying cool are on the agenda today.

Heartbeat

Kinder has been listening to my heartbeat lately, his warm and sturdy five and a half year old body nestling right up to mine as he places his head against my chest.

Now, I know I can be a bit of a mouth breather at times, but I burst out laughing when today, as he listened for my heartbeat, he exclaimed, "stop breathing, I can't hear your heart!"

Pondering potatoes

At dinner tonight, First was munching away on what will hereafter be known as "potatoes Danielle" (red potatoes washed and sliced, briefly boiled, then sauteed in olive oil with fresh herbs of your choice---in this case Farmer John's oregano).

He came upon a little pre-sprout bud and wondered what it was. I wasn't sure what it was technically and first translated from what I know it as in Japanese "me" and said it was "an eye". Clearly an unexpected and unpalatable response. Then I realized that it was probably not "me" meaning "eye", but "me" meaning "sprout" and offered that up.

I asked aloud whether it might be considered a seed, but then First reminded me that pieces of potato can be planted to produce potato plants, so potatoes are seeds themselves.

Then he said, "then where did the first potato come from?"

Pause.

Pause.

"Mutation?," he offered, and we cocked our heads to ponder and finished dinner.

Song of the humpback whale

The other night, First was having trouble falling asleep and we ended up watching about 15 minutes of Planet Earth on tv. He heard the song of the humpback whale for the first time ever.

A few mintues ago, he asked me to hand him the humpback whale so that he could play with it in the bath. "What does it sound like again?," he asked.

I did my best impression and he picked up the tone as my song trailed off.

I love this kind of moment, a piece falling into place, a spiral looping around...

Melinda doolittle

I bought a Whitney Houston song, "I Believe In You And Me", off of iTunes the other day (a rare occurrence but it was fun to do some shopping this way, I can see this becoming more of a habit).

I watched American Idol for the first time this season. One week, the judges and producers of the show chose songs for the contestants to sing. Apparently, the idea was to throw Melinda Doolittle a curve ball by assigning her a Whitney tune. Houston is supposedly so technically brilliant, vocally, that most folks on Idol maintain a secure distance from her songs.

Melinda sang this song and MOVED me. The Whitney version, which I bought to put on my 2007 comp isn't the same. I'll have to keep my eye on the Idol website to see if I can buy Melinda's version.

Other tunes bought that day:

Phantom Limb by The Shins
Joyful Sign by Girlyman
The Picture by Son Volt
Champagne Supernova by Matt Pond PA

And then two days later:

You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You by Dean Martin
Box Of Rain by Grateful Dead
Rhode Island Is Famous For You by Erin McKeown
Shine On by Rani Arbo and Daisy Mayhem

Magic treehouse the next day

Kinder has been working on his first Magic Treehouse book for the last hour or so. It's called, "Genies before Driving". He's made the cover and written a table of contents. He is cutting his pieces of paper down to the size of the books themselves. He wants to dictate the story to me now.

Monopoly jr.

Jay and Amy gave First Monopoly Jr. for his birthday. He's digging it.

We played this morning after coming in from gardening and play. Kinder joined us for the first time. First was the banker for the first time. This is the first board game that we've played with that I have specific memories playing as a kid myself. (We didn't have a ton of board games growing up and a lot of the board games we have are cooperative, non-competitive ones.)

I was never that into Monopoly. Life, now that was my game.

Garlic scape

We joined our local CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) and I am excited.

Nestled amongst the first week's veggies were something I had never seen before: (garlic) scapes. Danielle was over and we pondered them briefly before moving on to oohing and ahhing the sprigs of oregano, the radishes and the three varieties of lettuce (she took home the red leaf).

Here's a link to someone's blog that has pictures of scapes. We are digital camera-less until Monday when Cap returns from Japan.

http://yesyellocello.blogspot.com/2004/06/june-scapes.html

I did some googling last night and discovered a recipe for garlic scape pesto. I made some this afternoon minus the Parmesan cheese. It looks fantastic, and would taste it too, had I not dumped too much salt in there. Ach, well, what are you going to do. I'm still going to eat it...sparingly.

Last night I made a salad with the romaine lettuce from the farm, an avocado, and a lemony dressing. I tossed on some raw, chopped scape and it was wonderful. I got the recipe off the Mothering website the other day.

I love the feelings of connectivity and satisfaction I get knowing this food is so fresh. It was grown and tended to by a local farmer, dug out of the ground and put on the back of his truck, delivered to my neighborhood the very same day (give or take a day?), and ends up in my belly as early as that night. I love it.

I also love being nudged into being better about using the ingredients I have to prepare our meals. Purple Dragon (a national co-op that has a number of local "pods"---we belonged to one from fall to spring and will most likely rejoin once our local harvesting season is over) did this too, but only to a certain extent. I still found myself tossing produce that had been sitting in the fridge too long (they do drop-offs once every two weeks instead of every week).

I am completely inspired by our access to this local, organic, seasonal produce.